The Dead Synapses Society

London – Westminster: A bill passed Parliament today, outlawing the possession of "extreme pornography" is set to become law next week. However the law, which encompasses 'violent sexual act’s could make everyone a criminal.

As defined by the new Criminal Justice Bill the following will become illegal:

a) An act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life.

b) An act which results in or appears to result in serious injury to a person's anus, breasts or genitals.

The new law will therefore make all movies that include any sort of violence illegal as, as the law defines, any act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life will be an illegal image.

Filming of several British movies has been halted - including the new James Bond movie and the new Harry Potter movie.

Some say the law will finally kill off the British movie industry as producers, scared they will fall foul of the law, look elsewhere to make their movies.

Also banned are any scenes from movies or TV shows that show someone being 'kicked in the balls' - this means filming of ITV cop drama New Tricks was immediately halted as a future episode was to show a fight between a gang of criminals - this scene will be re-shot and the fight will now consist of verbal name calling.

The new carry-on movie has also been cancelled as it included a scene of man smacking a woman's 'bottom'.

All shows showing any scenes of caning are also banned.

All episodes of Benny Hill have been confiscated and are to be burnt.

Former Mayor of London Mr Ken Livingston, who claims he has never seen porn (yeah right), is behind the new law.

"This is just the first step" said Livingston "we are developing new technology that means anyone even thinking about violent sex, kinky sex, bondage, or any other sex, between two consenting adults - that isn't politically correct, will be arrested and locked up!"

Prince Philip is said to be very upset!

United Kingdom – Oxford – A Scientific report released today by UK Scientists contains startling new information in reference to orange juice and the common cold.

Experiments conducted by Oxford University Influenza and Common Cold Division, of the Centre for Disease Control, reveals that people who drink orange juice and then kiss someone during the first three days after the person they are kissing caught a cold will catch a cold themselves.

The scientists are warning people not to drink orange juice if they are going to kiss someone with a cold unless the orange juice is laced with vodka to kill the cold germs.

Another team of scientists strongly disagrees with the results of these experiments and have warned people to use Gin instead of Vodka in their juice.

Time was being called on the reality TV programme 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here' after former Eastenders star Lucy Benjamin was brutally clubbed to death and eaten.

The drama unfolded after Benjamin, who had failed to win any stars in her bush tucker trial, was asleep in her hammock.

Stars, including eighties pin-up girl Samantha Fox and popular celebrity chef Gino D'Acampo were seen creeping towards the actor and launching into a vicious and sustained attack.

Horrified viewers watched as Sabrina Washington skinned and dismembered the former soap star. Sabrina, whose hits include 'Take It to the Top' and the top 10 album “Lickin On Both Sides” was also seen rifling through the dead actors rucksack and stealing her boots.

Concerns have been raised in the past that the hit channel four show has been turning some celebrities 'feral'.

Top celebrity psychologist Professor Rammond Van Donk claimed last night, "This is not uncommon.

Celebrities often lose their individuality and revert to pack behaviour when they are stressed or in a large group. This can often lead to violence which, of course, was all too evident in the 2004 series of Celebrity Big Brother when George Galloway was hunted down and roasted over a spit."

Channel Four apologised for the graphic scenes which appeared before the 9 pm watershed but claimed that Benjamin had been happy to be eaten. "Lucy's a real pro," confided one channel four insider, "and besides, if she'd shouted 'I'm a Celebrity' we'd have got her out of there."

DSS interviewed presenters Ant and Dec at their luxury hotel in Brisbane last night but we couldn't make out a word they said.

Scotland-Inverness — A Coastal freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra heading for Inverness struck a submerged rock outcrop and sank in Loch Ness today. As a result, the once-frigid loch no longer dangles down towards Fort Augustus and Fort William, but now spans majestically across towards Ullapool.

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved, the loch slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Gairloch. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Loch Monar.
Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Loch Ness was "like an entirely new Loch, teaming with life."

"For so many years that Loch just, you know, sat there, with periodic made up stories about sighting the mythical monster" said Zoe Mac Donald "To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

Leader of the Scottish Parliament First Minister Jack McConnell, declared a state of emergency, while in Dunoon Alan Reid, Liberal Democrat MP for Argyll & Bute, said "Is Loch Ness a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"

Following last week's barmy decision by a District Judge in Wales that a man who masturbated with a Tricycle in a hotel room was guilty of sexual breach of the peace, another District Judge in Wales has found an Englishman guilty of the same offence for having sex with his wife in the privacy of his own hotel room.

Mr. Anthony Allen, 50, was celebrating his silver wedding anniversary with his wife, Yvonne, by driving up to Wales and spending a weekend by the Great Orme, Llandudno. However, Mr. Smith said that their stay at the Groes Inn Hotel was a nightmare.

"There wasn't anything on the menu that we fancied only a dish called “cawl and lobsgows” and the local residents played their harps, Pibgorn and Crwth into the night.

On the second day, we decided to have a lie-in, and got friendly. Despite a Do Not Disturb sign, the cleaners burst the door down, saw us in the act of love-making and made a citizen's arrest. They took no action against the woman next door whose sex toy kept us awake at night."

One of the cleaners justified the intrusion by saying that the Allen’s were still in their room at 6.30am rather than climbing a mountain or going fishing, like all their other residents.

Sexual breach of the peace is a peculiarly Welsh crime which means that if anyone catches you doing something sexual, you are guilty of a crime. Mr. Allen was given 2 years probation and put on the sex offenders' register for life, which means he loses his job as a Head Teacher.

"To add insult to injury", he lamented, "they confiscated my wife under the Proceeds of Crime Act."

Kent: When four women from Bromley sat down to document their experiences of first-time pregnancy and childbirth, their instinct was to be as blunt on paper as they were with each other.

However the diary record of their pregnancy experiences went missing 12 months ago, when Lindsay Adams had her laptop stolen from her car.

So imagine their shock when their names and all the details of their pregnancy experiences appeared published online.

Hilary Dickens, nurse and farmer's wife, now regrets comparing her nipples to chapel pegs, and commenting how sex smells and how her husband has stopped munching on her!

The practical "girl on top" details of her sex life make Andrea Simmons, a 32-year-old police officer, cringe the most. Although she also regrets asking the question -"Has anyone told you that you will resemble a baboon "down there" after giving birth?"

And as for Sarah Hope, the multilingual international jetsetter of the group, she can't even bring herself to talk about the mucus testing.

Unlike Dickens.

"Oh God, wasn't yours the mucus testing?" she says, joggling in her seat. "You're so embarrassed, aren't you? Because you were at the church toddler morning and you said to another mum, 'Would you like me to get you a piece of cake?' and she said, 'No thanks. I know what you do with your pants.'"

Dickens howls with laughter. Lindsay Adams, 38, (a scientist) grins. Hope mouths, "Vaginal Mucus."

London: 31-year-old former glamour model, television personality and businesswoman Katie Price revealed in an unusually candid portion of her new book "Rogue Woman" that she frequently masturbates.

"When my current man is out of town doing what ever he has to do", Price wrote “During those times I have found ample opportunity to explore the pleasures of my own body".

Ms Price stated that she sometimes feels conflicted between her insatiable desire to achieve orgasm and her Christian beliefs. "I think God will forgive me for this one guilty pleasure", she wrote.

Ms. Price claimed that she sometimes fantasizes about men of power such as Rupert Murdoch, Tony Blair, President Obama and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Some sources believe that Ms Price aKa Jordan came "out of the closet" with her masturbation habits simply to titillate and arouse men who find her attractive.

"I just think we should be honest with People", she said later. "Masturbation is normal and healthy. I will try to encourage my kids to masturbate instead of having sex but you know how kids are!"

London: Professor Christopher Sheasby O.B.E, Principal Director of Public Health for the United Kingdom has placed women between the ages of 25 to 49 years of age on the Departments endangered species list (ESL).

The DPH used the same logic that environmentalists used to get the Polar Bear placed on the ESL. While the population of women in this age category has increased to an all time high, the number of female births has dropped to approximately 50% as compared to male births.

As the baby boomers retire in the future there may be a dearth of fertile women, hence producing reduced numbers of female progeny.

The DPH has mandated that the identified group of women quit their jobs, become stay at home mums and begat more female children.

Gordon Brown’s Press Secretary commented that the prime minister is elated about creating all those new job openings!

United Kingdom: Bristol - Some male fish in parts of the River Seven are developing female characteristics, possibly because they're being exposed to birth control pills and hormone treatments that are seeping into U.K. waterways.

While the problem has been found in other parts of the country, the Southwest - especially the Seven River basin - had the highest rates of male fish with female characteristics, DEFRA researchers have found.

It was not clear why, but in Sharpness, a small community near Avonmouth, 10 of 11 Grayling examined were considered intersex, researchers found.

The findings come from the U.K. DEFRA Geological Survey in its first comprehensive examination of intersex fish in the United Kingdom. Sporadic discoveries of feminized fish have been reported for a few years.
Male fish with female characteristics can have more difficulty reproducing.

The geological survey looked at past data from nine river basins - covering about two-thirds of the country - and found that about 6 percent of the nearly 1,500 male fish had a bit of female in them. The study looked at 16 different species, with most not affected.

But the fish most feminized are two of the most sought-after freshwater sport fish - the Grayling and the Pike. Those two species were also the most examined, with nearly 500 Pike tallied.

"It's widespread," said DEFRA biologist Susan Ellen. She is the lead author of the study, published online this month in Freshwater Toxicology. She said 44 percent of the sites where Grayling were tested had at least one male with egg cells growing inside.

Past studies have linked the problem to endocrine-disrupting hormones, such as oestrogen from women's medicines. While the fish can still reproduce, studies have shown they don't reproduce as well, Ellen said.

Intersex fish are also seen as a general warning about what some experts see as a wider problem of endocrine disruptors in the environment. The egg cells growing in the male fish's gonads can only be seen with a microscope after the fish has been caught and dissected.

The study used data from 1999 to 2008, when the government stopped funding the research. The only river basin examined that didn't show any problems was Scotland’s Solway Tweed River Basin.

In parts of both the River Usk and River Taff in Wales, 70 percent of the Pike had female signs.

Ellen said Pike seem to be more prone to the problem, but researchers don't know why. She also found one Pike that was female with bits of male testes growing inside.

I'm a Celeb Get Me Out Of Here! contestant and all round useless bitch (who we'd never even heard of prior to this because we don't read the Daily Star, the Sport or waste our days viewing reality TV) complained that her boobs were cold during a jungle trial, forcing the 'B' list celeb to give in early doors.

Upon returning to camp she invited her fellow campers to cop a feel, in order to prove her somewhat ludicrous case.

They agreed that her Gummy Bear-Baps were indeed quite cold.

Commenting from a TV studio in London, Nicola McLean, the much respected ex-contestant and noted intellectual was quick to offer a nauseating vote of sympathy.

“It's hard when you have implants,' Nicola said. 'Because of the chemical composition of the silicone gel they're really hard to warm up. It's one of the inherent problems you get with them. This is the reason why most people with implants live in warm places, like the Med, or Florida, or California.

'I mean, you don't see many Inuit’s or Siberians with silicone baps.”

Faith Brown made a statement to the effect that she doesn't give a fuck either way because it was hardly something that would ever affect her.

We contacted David Van Day and he told us:

“Women with gummy bear breast implants are stupid!

Aren't they aware that those things can explode at high altitude? Like on planes and stuff?”