The Dead Synapses Society

A Liverpool man who claims he was once "inside the Queen" has been speaking exclusively to The Dead Synapses Society.

Harry Whatt, of Walton Road, Liverpool explained that he has been a blood donor since 1982 and that his blood is “Blue AB” and he has given over 1500 pints of blood. "It's almost certain that some of my blood has coursed around the royal veins like a fox being chased by a corgi" he said this morning.

Mr Whatt, 39, continued "I'm sure her Majesty will be feeling very lively now with my tomato sauce in her spaghetti.

I lead a very active life, walking to the Blood Donor Clinic, walking back from the Blood Donor Clinic".

"I'm sure the Queen will soon feel the effects of my claret. Daresay she'll at this very moment be craving a curry a beer" and possibly a trip to Goodison Park, he added.

In what has turned out to be quite a shocking story, Siamese twin sisters Alecia and Gabrio Chinzano are to split up over an apparent illicit affair.

Alecia Chinzano had been seeing boyfriend, Tom for about 5 weeks, when one day she looked over her shoulder and saw him 'getting off' with her twin sister Gabrio.

"There they were going at in hammer and tongue. Well, not so much hammer, really.

But right behind my back. I was gutted" said Alecia in a recent interview in NUTs Magazine.

The man involved, Tomas O’Brien said: "It was an honest mistake. I mean, they are twins. There's not much different between them. Except that Gabrio usually has a hammer in her hand."

Life is said to continue in its usual fashion.

Approximately 200 people spotted a flying pig over Scarborough yesterday. The event occurred at around 13:30hrs and said pig continued to soar about for approximately thirty minutes, much to the amazement of the crowd that gathered in awe.

Credit, or blame as some may say, has been given to Charles A. Vacanti, MD, a renowned anesthesiologist and a pioneer in the field of tissue engineering research, Chairman of the Department of Anesthesiology, Periopoerative and Pain Medicine.

Professor Charles Vacanti became famous when he successfully implanted an engineered human ear on the back of a mouse in 1995.

When asked about the event Professor Vacanti said "Although it is true that we are now concentrating our efforts on implanting engineered wings on a pig, none of our tests so far have been successful.

A specimen did escape yesterday, but I assure you that the event witnessed by people was nothing more than a ball that somebody had thrown very hard, and was filled with helium, and was painted to look like a pig, and had robotic parts installed to give it realistic pig-style movements, and had a tape recorder inside it which was emitting the oink noises, and mechanisms to make it poop on people's heads, and something inside it that gave off the pig smell."

The spotting is now being followed by multiple reports of flying apes, aardvarks, and armadillos. Dr. Vacanti is laughing off these further sights as nothing to do with his research, and is quoted as saying "Elephants with wings? And pigs might fly!"

Embarrassed- fifteen-year-old, Katie Price, was spotted making a call from a public phone booth yesterday evening.

"Look my mobile just freaked out on me, honest it did!" she pleaded to passers-by as they gave her knowing looks. "I had no choice," she said when DSS went round to her house to investigate. "I just had to get in touch with Rebecca!"

But when the shame faced teenager finally managed to speak to her best friend on the public telephone, bad things happened. "She couldn't understand a word I was saying, she's so used to txt messages that normal phone speak was way beyond her."

Worse still, the two have fallen out over the unfortunate incident.

"Rebecca feels too embarrassed to be Katie's friend," said Rebecca's new best friend, Jennifer Nipple. "In fact, she's not texting to her anymore."

Prophecies made by Nostradamus, uncovered for the first time since the 16th century, state that Uri Gellar is actually set to rise to prominence in the world of astrophysics, and become one of the most under-estimated minds in modern history.

According to the discovered prophecies by Nostradamus "The loon who bends the spoon, Will teach us all about the Moon and associated universe". The normally loose interpretations associated with the soothsayer's prophecies are not even required in these previously unseen writings. Gellar, whose hobbies include inflating his own ego, is delighted to finally be getting the recognition he deserves.

Pope Benedict XVI released the writings after over five hundred years of the Vatican concealing them. Catholic bigwigs hid them away in the 1500s because they feared that people would start a "God is Pants" campaign as a result. However, when the Pope (a big fan of Gellar's antics) saw the documents in the back of the naughty cupboard in his office, he decided to release them to the general public.

Descendants of the French monk are set to make a fortune from royalties now these predictions are uncovered. It is set to propel Nostradamus from the unprofitable geeky teenager market, to the big bucks of the mass-marketised, media-manipulated middle-classes.

Once upon a time and not that long ago, the UK just had to worry about its raging drug problem. Now, there is a new social plague hitting our streets, and it is people who deal and take illness purely for recreational purposes.

What seems to have initiated this social catastrophe is said to be when school Head Teachers started to encourage school attendance by allowing free drug use.

Having the Head say "it's cool to deal in school" ended the fun aspect of drugs for kids, and so they looked for a new, more socially unacceptable way to waste their young lives.

The conditions for recreational illness to catch on were now in place. Already big in south-east Asia, youngsters there got addicted as young as 12, by injecting themselves with poultry flu. The dealers soon found that it was possible to take advantage of the untapped UK market. Batches of the Flu and Hypothermia arrived here from Thailand it is believed by smugglers, hiding diseases from customs in their comedy-oversized designer sunglasses.

Illness use among the young population of the UK is growing rapidly. It is estimated that "clubbers" aged 18-25 are most at risk, especially from evil dealers in Swine Flu and AIDS.

But unfortunately once addicted to AIDS, there is no chance of survival. Police have tried to arrest the dealers, or the "HIV Positives" as they are known on the street, but have found it difficult to identify them.

MPs have been quick to criticise a growing "Illness Culture" that attracts young people. The success of the film "Paramedic Spotting" worries them the most. The film presents a journey through the eyes of people confused between the reality of their tumours, and the illusion of their cancer-induced hallucinations. A later film, "Human Public Transport", was pretty much the same idea, but involved "townie" characters, who revelled in the trendy illness Whooping Cough and Rickets’.

Some people believe that the best way to cure the illness problem is by adopting a "zero-tolerance" attitude. This will involve lessons in schools on the evils of illness (the sneezing, the rashes, the coughing and death, etc), as well as arresting everyone caught with an illness. Those caught with H1N1 will be whisked away into long term quarantine, whilst those with AIDS will be given tough life sentences. Supporters say that due to the short life span of these degenerates, they won't overcrowd prisons for too long.

On the other hand, some people think that some "soft" illnesses should be decriminalised, so that police can focus their resources on the "hard" illnesses of Cancer, AIDS and Hepatitis B. They also state that some soft illnesses are no more dangerous than legal illnesses such as hypochondria and gangrene.

This libertarian approach will be very controversial law, though, and will probably never ever ever ever happen.

The Masked Raider of Swansea, known locally as “The Masked Raider of Swansea” and nationally as “The Masked Raider of Swansea” yesterday spoke out against people who tease ants by laying a trail of lemon curd from their nest to a flaming pit of tar.

"It's just awful," said the Masked Raider. "It should be stopped."

I was convinced and if you are too, please write to -

Stop Ants Falling Into Flaming Pits Of Tar By NOT Laying False Trails Of Lemon Curd
Formica House
P.O.Box 212
London
SW3 898

A study conducted here in the UK by professional scientists who wish to remain anonymous due to the controversial nature of their findings, discovered that many features of the American flag were Satanical in nature.

The Stars and Stripes all American flag, which has been gazed lovingly upon by many a patriotic American, is in fact a very complex pattern incorporating more Satanic symbols than the T-shirts worn by six hundred and sixty-six crazed Ozzy Osbourne fans prancing gleefully into the deepest annuls of hell.

Let us begin with the stars found in the upper left hand corner of the flag. These are not innocent four-pointed stars such as the one seen above Jesus in the manger, or holy six-pointed stars of David. No. They are five-pointed stars of the sort used only by Lucifer and his evil cohorts.

They are white upon a blue background truly chaste-seeming to the average observer. But if one looks more closely, one may realize that the complimentary colour of blue is orange, and the opposite of white is black. Black and Orange the colours of the most Satanic Celebration ever conceived: Halloween!

Not one, not two, but fifty of these monstrosities are to be found on the American flag.

Let us next consider the stripes which cover the rest of the cloth the Americans unknowingly allow to represent their country.

There are thirteen of them. Thirteen! The number so unlucky that many successful hotel chains number floors one through to twelve, then spontaneously skip to fourteen.

But the number goes beyond such a petty amount of bad luck as the number thirteen. If one were to multiply it by the number of stars (fifty), then add the number of white stripes (six), add to that the three branches of the American Government, then the number of red stripes (seven), one would end up with an even more interesting number.

13x50+6+3+7= 666

Suddenly this bit of cloth's cult-like following doesn't seem so angelic, now does it?

Whitehall – London: In a press conference today arranged at the UK Ministry of Defence, Brigadier General Sir Spencer Cameron confirmed growing speculation that Prince Harry (third in line to the British and Commonwealth throne) is to become Regimental Commander of 22 SAS Regt.

He added: - "The prince has already had extensive training in the art of tactical combat despite his young demeanour and oddly ginger hair (which initially was thought of as a tactical disadvantage especially in covert night time operations)."

He continued "Harry has proven himself in action already against the Taliban in Afghanistan, outside a few night clubs in London’s West End with the press. After all staring down the lens of a camera is not that different to a barrel of a gun". "He even disarmed a photographer".

Harry has a real military pedigree", he continued "After all his father was a Major ” errrr I mean his grandfather, father and his uncle have all seen service errrrrrr in the armed forces."

Comment came later from SAS veteran and best selling author Andy McNab.

He is quoted as saying:-

"I really don't think that this is such a great idea - like" "for a start he will have nay respect like from tha' lads."

NORTH POLE (Bloomberg Report)-Prohibitive production problems and local labour loopholes have forced Old Nic’s little helpers to seek alternative budgetary strategies or else cease global toy distribution operations altogether.

"If it's not one thing, it's something else," a harried Santa exclaimed in a hasty walking interview through the frigid fun factory. And that's no overstatement. Kris Kringle has been ambushed from all sides; a plight outsiders say could have been avoided with a little common business sense.

Situated literally in the middle of nowhere, Santa's workshop presents a unique challenge to delivery services. Until recently, get-it-there giants have garnered free advertisement from annual contracts to transport raw materials transformed into trillions of toys by the minuscule minions of the Man of Mirth. But the latest negotiations have put the kiddie caterer into a virtual strangle hold. "Toys don't grow on trees, you know," Mrs. Claus sighed in frustration.

Making things worse, the elves themselves have thrown the entire enterprise into a state of turmoil. Factions on both sides of the polar production plant are at odds, putting the December delivery date in jeopardy. The Northernmost Occupational Elfin League (NOEL) strongly opposes efforts of the Yokel Union of Labouring Elves (YULE) to organize the occupational oversight of the wee wilderness workers.

Though they've worked blissfully for decades without outside interference, the aging arctic aggregate have become concerned about Santa's ability to provide for their elderly care.

Millions of additional Christmas lists have also put a substantial strain on selecting and sending toys to the world's children. Though they don't involve themselves in the religious activities surrounding Christmas, those who espouse Ramadan, Chanukah, and Kwanza have come out' to appreciate the commercial appeal of Christmas.

So, now it's not just the Christians Santa must satisfy, but the other kids in the neighbourhood as well. This has added considerably to both the volume on the sleigh and the number of miles the reindeer must traverse, not to mention the extra chimneys Santa must climb down and back up again.

Contracts are in the works with manufacturers in Mainland China, Sri Lanka, Korea, Indonesia and Mexico to offset Santa's workshop woes.
Once finalized, toys will be fabricated at selected geographic sites, allowing Santa to make numerous pick-ups at the strategically located distribution points and deliver from the regional centres, thereby eliminating exorbitant centralized North Pole pre-delivery costs and lessening the total weight load of the sleigh at any given time.

So, yes, kiddies, Santa is on track for a record-setting toy trek this year, so don't despair. But parents beware!

If all else fails, Santa has one last trick up his red velvet sleeve: he may soon begin demanding prepayment for what is hoped will end up under the Christmas tree.