The Dead Synapses Society

Many readers of DSS may not realise it, but the founder of this blog i.e., me (i.e., the person writing this)-- is a certified doctor in Psychology! Yes Certified, That's right, I founded this fine blog after a failed bid to become the richest head-doctor in the South-East. Now, I bring my real brain-medicine-thing to you.
Read on below to see the results of me helping distressed readers.

Dear Dr. John,

I'm in a real state of confusion here! I believe I'm attracted to a woman who is too young for me, but I can't help it! I'm a young 53-year-old bloke going on 21, but every time I see this 17 year-old woman waiting at the bus stop, I feel like a teenager again? Could it be love? - Tickled In Tenterden.

Dear Tickled,

It sounds like this woman wants to, to use an expression we commonly say in Psychology circles, have a great deal of sex with you! Showing up at the same bus stop as you every day is a common sign of romance. Plus, it's pretty unlikely that she would need to take the same bus as you every single day. She's not fooling anyone, and the next time you see her, grab her face and shove your tongue in it as if it were a delicious jam doughnut. You'll both be relieved that you don't have to pretend anymore!

Hi Dr. John,

Hope you can help me out here. I have been having these spells where I feel the need to set things on fire. Sometimes I resist them, but sometimes I have what I like to call a special "accident". So far this week, I have had an accident with my bed-sheet, my car upholstery, and a woman who was walking past me when I left my house. I'm a happy and healthy person, and I don't have any real stress (aside from the aforementioned woman trying to get out of my closet and treat her wounds), so what could be wrong? - Burning In Peterborough.

Dear Burning,

Yes, I believe I can help you. You see, setting things on fire is your way of expressing yourself, like some people draw, or some people stab other people. But society makes you feel guilty for doing this, and turns your creativity into a "problem". Well, if I had let society make me think I had a "problem", my father would still be here today, trying to make me make my bed when I'm just going to fucking sleep in it again in ANOTHER NINE HOURS. My God!
Anyway, please continue to burn things, and you'll eventually be rewarded for using your natural gifts. Also, make sure to soundproof the door of the closet where your special creativity partner is being kept.

Hello Doctor John,

I have a very severe problem here that I need help with. I keep having dreams where a man who looks a lot like my father comes into my room and hurts me at night. I feel like this dream drives me to date men who abuse me physically and verbally, and I constantly am drawn to situations that I know will harm me. I think that there must be some psychological reason for all of this, but I can't seem to figure it out. Can you help me? - Ms. Broken In London

Dear Ms. Broken,

It's people like you who make it hard to run a serious advice column. If you want to have your little stupid dreams analysed and talk about your smutty sex fetishes, go to a tarot card reader, or some television psychologist, like Derek Acorah.

Dear Mr. Dr. John,

I'm having trouble sticking to my diet! What can I do? - Overweight Lardass In Birmingham

Dear Lardass,

Well, I'm not really that kind of doctor. The good news is, I'll give you free advice anyway!

You should plan on not eating for several days at one time. You may have heard of these famous "carb-cutting" diets, and they do have the right idea, but there is one area where they fail: they still allow you to consume some food, and food is directly responsible for adding weight to your body. What these fat cat doctors don't want you to know is that you can actually go for several days without eating any food and only drinking some water every now and then, and still be perfectly alive! When you do have to eat, remember to keep your Vomiting Stick handy, which is what we doctors call the thing that you stick in your throat to make you throw your food up after you eat it. Don't let the name fool you it doesn't always have to be a stick. Consider your finger, the handle of a long spoon, or the hand of a loved one as other devices.

In what UK scientists are describing as a landmark medical breakthrough, doctors have announced the discovery of Gordon Brown's cerebrum. The epoch-making event occurred during a routine colonoscopy. "We found a tiny mass embedded in the wall of the prime ministers lower intestine," said Dr James Asquith at a packed news conference at Hammersmith Hospital, London. "Tests of the tissue indicated that the mass was indeed a brain." At approximately one millimetre in diameter, the object is believed to be the smallest hominid brain known to science.

Brown's aides immediately reacted to the astounding news. "This simply confirms that the prime minister is indeed an intelligent life form, something that only Conservatives, Terrorists and their Liberal enablers have ever doubted," said Brown’s private press secretary Anthony Biddleswade. Browns associates privately expressed relief that the prime minister does in fact possess an organ capable of cognition. "We had almost lost hope," said a Downing Street official who insisted on anonymity.

The discovery has reignited the fierce debate in the United Kingdom over the validity of Darwin's theory of evolution. "It appears that the complete isolation of Downing Street has allowed Brown to become an entirely new species, much as the isolation of the Galapagos Islands produced species unique to that ecosystem," said Sir John Cornish, Professor of Reactionary Biology at Cambridge University.

International reaction has been mixed. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, who considers his own cerebrum to be "Phat", said that he never doubted that Brown "deep down" was a "thinker". "I knew that Gordon had the intestinal fortitude to be a supreme leader.

Others were much less charitable. "I've always thought Brown had shit for brains," said Hassan Nasrallah, leader of the Lebanese Hezbollah movement. "This discovery would seem to put the issue to rest."

Last night I was getting into bed with my woman and once I had tactfully reminded her that it was the third Tuesday in a month with an 'U' in it, the plucky little woman lost no time is assuming the 'position' familiar to millions of British partners who endure the unpleasantness of conjugal relations seven times a year (eight, in a leap year). Naturally the lights were off and the curtains drawn. We're not Americans, after all.

Hey, the passion started to heat up until she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying: "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

I attempted to revive her flagging ardour by reminding her what I had seen her doing in the bathroom with our daughter's electric toothbrush only last week, she peremptorily slapped my hand away and snapped: "That's different. A toothbrush doesn't fall asleep afterwards or mess up my hair."

Realising that nothing was going to happen I went to sleep.

This morning I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out for a nice lunch down by the Medway and then went to shop at House of Fraser in Maidstone. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her that we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "let's get a pair for each outfit, my angel." We then went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was several sandwiches short of a full lunchbox. I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a massager in the Personal Care department when she doesn't even have arthritis.

I think that I amazed her when I said, "That's fine dear. Why not buy one of those vibrating rocking horses too?"

I swear she was so excited that she was almost coming in the designer thong I'd bought her. Flushed with pre-orgasmic joy and just a teeny bit moist, she finally gushed: "I think that's all darling, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

"I don't feel like it," I repeated sweetly. "I just want you to HOLD the stuff for a while. You're not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." When her expression had darkened sufficiently to warn me that she was about to kill me, I added smoothly: "Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either as I heard an electric toothbrush whirring in the bathroom!

"Who killed MJ?"
"I," said the Doctor,
"From my needle he got that last Demerol shot.
"I killed MJ.”

"Who saw him die?"
"I," said TMZ,
"Well, it either was me or the guys from ET.
I saw him die."

"Who spread the word?"
"We," said the Herd.
"We Tweeted it along
although we spelled his name wrong.
We spread the word."

"Who'll make the rounds?"
"I," said Corey Feldman.
"It’s a sad day for me, but I’m pretty much free.
I'll make the rounds."

"Who'll dig his grave?"
"We," said the Papers,
"It’s rough and unsteady, but we’re down here already.
We’ll dig his grave."

"Who'll gather the eulogies?"
"We," said the Larry King Bookers.
"In this chaotic scene we got Cher and Celine.
We’ll gather the eulogies.”

"Who'll shed the tears?"
"I," said Madonna.
“It might seem insincere
But I’ll cry for a year.
(Point that camera here.)
I’ll shed the tears.”

“Who’ll settle the estate?”
“We,” said the Lawyers.
“There’s not much to seize, but we’ll still bill our fees.
We’ll settle the estate.”

"Who'll sing the song?"
"We," said the Siblings.
"While we’re clearly much grieved, we are also relieved.
We’ll sing the song.”

"Who'll toll the bell?"
"I," said the Blogger
"Though I’m kind of irate that it carries such weight
There’s no way to pass up this much traffic linkbait.
I’ll toll the bell.”

And the folks on the web kept their posts right on top,
When they heard the bell toll for the poor King of Pop.

Fertility expert Dr Ian Dance told DSS today that there was no longer any justification for withholding the benefits of the latest advances in in- vitro fertilisation (IVF) from millions of British women; women who are desperate for the chance of bearing children that will have the stunning good looks, scintillating personality and enviable intelligence of 'A-list' celebrities like Jordan and David Beckham.

In-vitro Fertilisation is the process used to conceive a child outside of the body. A woman's eggs and a man's sperm are placed together in a plastic dish for fertilisation. Once fertilised, the resulting embryos are placed back in the woman's uterus in the hope that a successful pregnancy will follow or, more commonly, that a pregnancy will not follow, so that wildly optimistic mums will continue to hand over loads of cash to blokes in white coats who like fingering women's naughty bits.

Until now, The UK Human Embryology Association has restricted the availability of IVF to screening embryos for serious genetic defects such as red hair, short, fat legs and greasy skin. But popular TV shows like “Jordan and Pete,” “Big Brother” and 'I'm a rich and famous good-looking bitch; get me out of here! have fuelled the demand for children that have a better than even chance of becoming a C-List celebrity or possibly getting a walk-on part in Coronation Street or East Enders.

The clamour from clinically obese, intellectually challenged women on supplementary benefit, who are fed up with having babies who will grow up to work as call-centre operators and marry a plumber from Brentwood called 'Chas' is putting increasing pressure on the UKHEA to make IVF freely available from 1st September 2009.

Dr Ian Dance was enthusiastic about the benefits of a relaxation of the rules when we interviewed him at his clinic in London's fashionable Kensington. "Parents are rightfully demanding IVF and genetic screening to create babies who will grow up to be rich, good-looking and famous. We now have the technology to completely eliminate undesirable genetic traits such as small breasts, underarm hair and male pattern baldness. Do we really want to consign our children to lives of obscurity, low pay and expensive cosmetic surgery when they could grow up to be Posh and Beck’s or even Wayne Rooney?"

The UKHEA is expected to bow to public pressure and the representations of leading specialists like Dr Dance to bring UK policy in line with the United States, where parents have long been able to choose from a wide selection of “baby styles” at Wal-Mart stores. As Dr Dance was quick to point out, the free availability of IVF in America has all but eradicated the genetic weaknesses which plague the UK and produced such outstanding individuals as The Olsen Twins, Eminem and Britney Spears. "If it's OK for America it's got to be good for us," commented a short, fat woman with red hair and greasy skin.

Joe Jackson the father of pop singer and once accused child molester Michael Jackson has reported that his son has possibly left the Terrestrial surface for good and may never return. Mr. Jackson told reporters that, "He is launching a new record label and that he has many great artists signed up, Oh, and you bastards drove my boy out this living world with your false accusations. You made fun of his nose and all of his Surgery. You made fun of his love for little boys. You made fun of the way he dressed and talked and acted. I hope you are all proud of yourselves!"

Speculation was heavy among the mourning community where Jackson would decide to settle on the spiritual plains. While the consensus was that he would most enjoy haunting an NCH Children’s home, other ideas were however proposed.

"I see Michael moving through the universe and using his musical talents to help train the angels and work with the world famous Vienna Boys Choir," said sister Janet.

James Earl Jones did not feel that Jackson would go back to his roots. "Are you kidding," he said. "Michael would not go back to an African spiritual home! He has spent his whole life trying to change from a black man into a white woman; what would an African spiritual plain have to offer him?"

French actor Maurice Chevalier said via a medium that he could not see Jackson coming to his heaven. In my heaven, we thank heaven for little girls, and that just does not seem much like Michael."

In its continuing efforts in the war against terrorism, the government has ordered around 300 soldiers from the SAS into Afghanistan. It has been widely reported in the media that the soldiers are from the Special Air Service, and after hours of extensive research involving lots of books and a Camel Washer called Mohammed, DSS has uncovered the truth...

DSS can reveal that the men are actually from the Special Hair Service and were sent in following the liberation of the eastern province of Khost, by UK Defence Secretary Des Browne.

US intelligence, which until recently was thought to have been permanently lost somewhere in Alaska, reported the presence of "bearded terrorists" near the capital Kabul, Kandahar Province.

Our squadron of military barbers in the SHS were immediately deployed to "sort out a very hairy situation". It has been emphasised, however, that the troops were not put at any unnecessary risk, and were even issued with "plastic safety scissors", just to be on the safe side.

"OUR SCISSORS YOUR HAIR"

Senior Medical Professor Thomas Svensen of The London Clinic said that, “this is one of the most unbelievable findings in medical history” the Professor concluded with, “we always thought the only danger of being fat was killing yourself for being a fat slob.”

While the findings may be a surprise for some, there are quite a few people who have known this for a very long time. Sharon Kimble of Brentwood, Essex, a participant in the study told us, “I knew something wasn’t right. They made me drink condensed Pig testicle lard for 10 months. Once I hit 753 pounds, I sorta knew I wasn’t healthy. I could hear my heart pumping and I broke out in a sweat just trying to reach my lard shake.”

We hit the streets of Glasgow, Scotland, The Least Athletic City in the UK according to a major magazine, and spoke with various obesity experts (people that we saw were overweight) and found that this news was in fact shocking. “You mean to tell me that every time I eat too much food I gain weight? You’re tellin me that eating 18 meals a day for a total of 12,000 calories can make me sick? I ken that now! You just may have saved ma life”, said one obesity expert.

After we broke the news to yet another expert, that expert reportedly threw his quadruple deep fried Mars Bar pancake snack with extra chocolate in the trash, bought exercise shorts along with a heart rate monitor and was seen being struck by a car while jogging with a crazed look on his face.

These astounding findings could change the way we all look at fast food. Nutrition expert, Sammy Jones said, “I think this is exactly what this country needs. Maybe now that people know being fat isn’t healthy, they just might change their ways.”

Michael Jackson died of so called undetermined causes on Thursday in the US. He was 50. Jackson's eccentric personal life, as well as his unexpected death, raise all sorts of questions. Here is my, Michael Jackson FAQ.

Would MJ’s MoonWalk have been easier to do on the Moon?

Well the facts are that the lunar gravitational environment, which exerts roughly put at one-sixth of the earth's pull may seem favourable to soft shoeing, however humans are actually extremely clumsy on the moon. The habitual movements we make while walking on Earth are far too forceful for lunar walking, which is why, even after extensive training, astronauts hop rather than walk. If Michael Jackson attempted his trademark move on the moon, he would fly into the air rather than sliding backward.

Also those space suits make dancing difficult: They don't move with the wearer like a pair of poorly tailored black pants since they are pressurised with oxygen to approximate earthly conditions. While specialised joints improve the pliability of the space suit, flexing your legs on the moon is a bit like trying to bend an inflated football on earth.

However, if Michael Jackson had £1 for every time someone did the moonwalk, he wouldn't have had his financial troubles.

Could he have licensed his dance moves?

This is a difficult one, probably only the more complicated sequences. Since 1976, federal law in the USA has allowed for the copyrighting of "pantomimes and choreographic works" but not of isolated dance steps. So while Michael Jackson could surely have safeguarded the rights to the "Thriller" video choreography, he likely could not have licensed the moonwalk. (Besides, the moonwalk was probably not an original work.) Jackson does hold a patent on the specialised shoes he used in the leaning sequence of the "Smooth Criminal" video.

Michael Jackson's 1983 hit "Wanna Be Startin' Something' " contains the repeated phrase "Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa." What does that mean?

Actually most of it means nothing, but the end references an African musical genre. "Makossa" originated on the streets of Cameroon in the 1960s and features a guitar accompanied by a stick-and-bottle percussion section. In 1971, saxophonist Manu Dibango released the song "Soul Makossa" a modernised fusion of the style with jazz and soul as a B-side to an anthem for the Cameroonian national soccer team. After an American label re-released the song, it became an international hit. Jackson then lifted the chant from Dibango's tune for use in "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'." (Dibango sued Jackson for copyright infringement in 1983 and eventually reached a settlement with him for an undisclosed amount.)

Who will take custody of Jackson's children?

My initial response, is someone nearly normal I hope!

It's way too early to know for sure what is going to happen.
Jackson family attorney claims that all three children will go to Michael's mother, Katherine. But the three face different legal circumstances. Debbie Rowe, the mother of the two older children, attempted to relinquish parental rights in 2001 but had the order reversed two years later. While this would likely play against her in a court battle, judges are generally reluctant to deny the custody claim of the sole surviving parent.

Jackson's youngest; Prince Michael II (also known as "Blanket") was born to a surrogate mother. If the legal side of the surrogate procedure was handled properly, the surrogate cannot now obtain custody. She would be, legally speaking, a stranger to the child. If, however, her parental rights were never properly extinguished, her claim to custody would ride on a variety of factors, including whether she was Blanket's egg donor. If a custody battle ensues, Jackson's family will likely stress the importance of keeping the three children together.

Breaking News, is that Diana Ross, of the 60s African-American trio known as Diana Ross and The Supremes has begged Macaulay Culkin for custody of Michael Jackson's beloved chimpanzee Bubbles.

Earlier reports stated that Michael Jackson had left everything to his devoted little friend Macaulay Culkin.

Miss Ross who said that she and Michael were so close that he could have been her biological son said that Michael had a lot of pets.

Miss Ross said that another time his pet rat Ben, whom his hit song was named after, tried to kiss her on the mouth while she was eating a cheeseburger.

But even though, most of Michael's 28 pets did give her the creeps, she was always very fond of his pet chimpanzee Bubbles. Ross said that Bubbles got his name from the Lawrence Welk Show, which Michael loved watching.

The good news is that Michael Jackson's attorney Uranus Childs has informed Miss Ross, that Macaulay Culkin has agreed to turn over custody of MJ's pet chimpanzee to her.

Recently deceased POP icon Michael Jackson expressed disappointment over the reception granted to him by the host of angels responsible for interning new souls into the land of eternal bliss, as newcomer Farrah Fawcett’s arrival turned Heaven into a free-for-all.

Even St. Peter, seeking an autograph from the 70’s superstar, could not be bothered to welcome the King of Pop to Elysian Fields in a timely fashion, much to the former entertainer's consternation.

"It's like, doesn't my courageous battle with plastic surgery and physical pain count for anything?" asked Jackson.

Farrah’s perfected heavenly body roundly bests Michael Jackson's bizarre eternal appearance that he has chosen for himself, which observers say is a cross between a giant diaper-wearing, rattle-holding child and a zombie.

"No, it's fine," Jacko said, shrugging his shoulders furiously. "Yeah, all I did was eventually succumb to the pain that I heroically fought. How did Farrah die eh?” In response Farrah said, “How did Michael die, did his nose finally gain sentience and murder him?"

Yet away from the spiritual plains, here back on earth Farrah will always be remembered for her iconic hairstyle, being an empowering figure to all women, and looking super-bangable.

News of Fawcett's passing doesn't look to be able to compete with the death of Jackson, the man responsible for hits like '"Thriller", "Pretty Young Thing", and the eerily prescient "Cardiac Arrest Is My Worst Enemy".