The Dead Synapses Society

He sat back on the sofa
and
watched as his son’s tore
at the colorful paper
that snuggly surrounded their gifts,

wanting to savor this magical moment in time.

A slow smile spread across his face
as his eyes filled with tears,
for he knew
one day
these moments
would be replaced
with memories.

Happy New Year People! x

James and Tomas O’Brien would never clean their room.
It had been a month of Sundays and looked just like a tomb.
Bits of food and dirty socks, and grime around the walls.

Playthings from a year ago and broken footy balls.
Rats a-scratching through the piles of rubbish all round.
And Tomas and James snoring… the only living sound.

Rattus Rat lived just beneath the dirty, greasy sheet.
A half an inch from Tomas and James sleeping smelly feet.

Now rodents never really mind just what they nibble at,
And Rattus was very, very hungry little rat.

All he’d had to eat today was half a rotten pear,
A mouldy chip, an apple core, some chewing gum…. with hair.

The sleeping toe looked warm and fresh although a little smelly,
And gee! Rattus was hungry … there was rumbling in his belly.

So Rattus took a little nibble …oh! That tasted good!
It had been so long since Rattus’s food had tasted as it should.
Tomas and James still lay in repose.

While Rattus took another bite of Tomas’s toes.
First the big toe disappeared, and then the second toe,
And then the third, and then the fourth … only one to go.

But Tomas never even noticed through his doze.
That Rattus Rat was getting fat on Tomas and James toes.

When Tomas and James awoke they noticed that a foot had sort of … gone.
Instead of two bits on their legs, now there was just one.

They searched around the cluttered mess, but no feet could be found.
And Rattus Rat quietly sat … not making a sound.

“Mum!” Cried Tomas and James. “Hey Mum! My foot has disappeared!
It must be around somewhere! It’s really rather weird.

It was here when I went to bed, but it’s nowhere to be seen.
And now instead of standing up … we sort of … well LEAN!”

They searched the room from top to toe …
Oh dear! That was a pun!
But Tomas and James thought it was dreadful … not one iota fun.

They checked in every corner and swept up all the dust.
“We’ve got to find our foot!” they wailed. “We really, really must!”

“We’ll clean and polish, dust and shine, and tidy up our gear.”
“It can’t be very far away, it must be very near!”
But Tomas and James could never find their feet, polish as they would.
They even used a microscope … but that was just no good.

So the moral of this story of sadness and of gloom,
Is … make sure that it’s tidy before you set foot in your room.

The deepness of winter, cold and bright,
with unclad trees and blanket of white
it seems like spring is just a word
that we've not seen, but merely heard.

Those shivering trees so bare and stark
tremble and clatter in the dark;
and during the day they stretch and pray
for spring to hurry on its way.

Them clouds all seem to fly and flee
instead of drifting lazily
as they do with a springtime breeze,
which merely loves to play and tease.

The air is sharp and proud and brittle,
and chills you to your very middle;
it whips and pulls on windy days,
and chills the bones in other ways.

Even the sun is different somehow -
it's cold and distant, and wary now.

It peeks to see the world below,
decides it's not the time to show.

And so we bundle, wrap and cover,
thinking spring is just another
month or two away, thank Christ I’d say,
and onto new green grass we'll trod.

Yes, spring remains a magic word,
like that first red-breast robin bird;
like that first false-spring day so warm
that brings new hope to things forlorn.

My heart and bones and being yearn
to wave goodbye to winter stern;
and happily, joyfully, lovingly greet
Mistress Spring on winged' feet!

These Glass patio doors - my window to the world.

I feel the sunshine, and see the rain hurled.
A squirrel with a red tail chatters at me,
nibbles a corn cob, skitters up a tree.

A mouse so small quickly scurries on by,
right under my nose, so tiny and shy.

He fills up his cheeks just like a balloon,
is gone in a flash, but he'll be back soon.

The Robin and Goldfinch devour the seed,
Starlings and Blackbirds enjoying the feed.

And once in a while a hawk on the roam
will soar and swoop down close to our home.

At night the feisty Badgers gather 'round,
eat all our birdseed, pull feeders down;
but the biggest and best of them all are the deer,
I always can hear and smell when they're near.

My hair stands on end and I bark and I jump;
chased a fawn once, the doe stayed on my rump.

When the children come to spend some time,
I take care of them, for they are all mine.

I always go with my humans by car
to watch over them, wherever they are.

It's my job to take care of my family.
for you see, they're all the world to me.

It was the day after Christmas and no one was up,
I dreamed of some sleep and a hot coffee cup;
when what to my bleary-red eyes should appear
but a little old elf snaffling a beer!

"And what do you want?" I offered to him.
"Just a cold beer and pretzels," he said with a grin.
"And what do I get in return, little guy?"
"Whatever you wish!" said this elf from the sky.

So I pondered and pondered, and thought and thought...
Should I ask for a palace? Cold cash....or hot rocks?

Oh gosh, did my mind fill with visions of joy
and riches and jewels, and fun grown-up toys!

So I turned to begin on a list of my wishes.
and Lo! he was gone with some flashes and swishes!

But I heard him exclaim as he disappeared......
I fooled you! I fooled you! See you next year!

Hic* Hic* My Head Hurts!

For Christmas I bought my Auntie
A brand new wooden leg
I didn’t have it specially made
No I just got it off the peg
You may say it’s not a nice gift
Or even that it’s a killer
It wasn’t her main present though
It was just a stocking filler.

When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus

It was the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both in bed, and my wife was on heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mrs in her teddy, and I in the nude, had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and me Mrs went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

Merry Christmas one and all! Ho Ho

IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I HAD FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A BRITISH SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE
WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY COMRADES.

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE;

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT,

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT. X

For MARTIN: MY SON SERVING IN AFGHANISTAN.

Look at me!"Well?" he demanded as he emerged in the new outfit.
The management consultants all wondered who would comment,
that he'd forgotten again the image he was supposed to present.

But they all saw his terseness as a very bad portent.

"Never mind," he did not wait for a response, "I want it in scarlet."

"But Satan..." said a consultant. It went silent at a canter

All eyes turned. There was no chatter, no banter.

He corrected with a sickly grin "I meant to say, of course, Santa."

Amazingly Satan, Oh I mean Santa grinned back "And don't you forget it?"

"Of course not." He didn't know whether to nod or to shake.

"But you are known for the colour." he added trying not to quake

"and we really don't want people to guess that you're a fake."

"As if." He was still grinning as if he was a half-wit.

And the rest all agreed that with his grasp of the role

he could wear any colour, even claim to live at the North Pole

and those gullible mortals would still swallow it whole.

"You'll have a devil of a time tracking down this piece of kit."

That was an imp now familiar with its new role as an elf.

"I have in fact asked Santa for one of these myself

but they just can't keep the stocks on the shelf."

"What's that? No we find that the kids often omit

what they really want till they've seen Old, um, St. Nick."

The elf watched the parents for the first signs of panic

then added "but I'm sure we could find you one if you sign quick."

It flourished a contract. "If you'll just initial this fifteen page chit."

"It's really just a formality." it explained with a wink
and pushed it into their hands before they had time to think.

"Here borrow my pen. Don't worry about the red ink."
Santa muttered "Well aren't you a little shining wit."

as the last of the children wandered away
having cracked the mince pie joke about what he must weigh

that he'd heard repeated throughout the day.

"So," he said to the elf, "How big is the profit?"

He waited while the elf struggled with its filo-fax
.
"Six hundred and sixty five souls, plus a grand profit after tax,"

said the elf and, as Santa grinned, knew it could relax.

"And," said Santa, "Here comes our chance to elicit
that one final soul that would give me a nice present."

Nodding towards the entrance and an accompanied infant
"Let the child in. You go to work on the parent."

"Now how old are you and what gifts have you come to solicit?"
The child thought. "Later this month I'll be ten."

This seemed to be it as it lapsed into silence again.
Then "Can you grant world peace and goodwill to all men."

The elf was hard at work, "We do easy terms and credit.”
but was getting nowhere the parent was adamant

the child didn't want a computer, a climbing frame, a tent.
The elf was struggling to understand the intent.

"Well little one, I think that's a little outside my remit.
But how about a game based on the latest Disney crop,
or a climbing frame. Just make sure you don't drop."

"No thanks. I just want the wars and the fighting to stop."

"It's so easy. Just sign here and here. It's not even in triplicate."

"You're not listening now are you? I'm not going to succumb.
We've already bought what he asked for, me and his mum.

I really don't know why he was so insistent to come."
"Now you're just being awkward, selfish, and inconsiderate.

The elves would be out of a job if there was no-one to buy."
The child just stared at him and then started to cry.

The parent rushed in and grabbed him. Glared on his way by.
"What is the world coming to? I find this charity quite inappropriate."

The imp happily removing his costume rushed to agree
"Well quite, I'd want material possessions if it was me.

But you just can't trust humans they're all mental you see.

And Santa remarked "I just don't know what's happened to the old Christmas spirit?"

He laid her on the table,
So white and clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then he felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide and he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

...And then he stuffed the turkey.

Please allow me to introduce myself I’m Santa's most Senior Elf.
I have a proposal to allow us both to secure fantastic wealth.

My former employer is now deceased due to a little incident.

His reindeer ate fermenting fruit causing a fatal flying accident.

He was to distribute presents to all the little girls and boys.

Now the warehouses stand quiet but still full of all the toys.

The lawyers say I must stay and manage the business and the grounds.
.
However my proposal is to sell all the toys for ONE HUNDRED MILLION UK POUNDS!

I think you must agree that this is quite an impressive amount.

But, not being human, the banks all say, I cannot have an account.

How do I sell the toys then? I reckon I need a human to assent.
to allow me access to their account for a return of ten per cent.

Do please keep this quiet, but let me know if you will be so chivalrous

to help me to help both of us have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

You Will Have To Think About This

* A famous writer once sent an unusual Christmas card to his friends. All it had printed on it was 25 letters
of the alphabet.

When some of the recipients admitted that they had failed to understand his message, he pointed to the letters on the card and said, 'Look! No L!'

“Merry Christmas” is what I choose to say
But other greetings are used for the day

By one and all during the festive season
And foreign languages are the reason

There's "Frolyke Kerstfeest" or "Joyoo Noel"
"Felleeth Navidad" even "Glaydlig Yool"

"Kalla Kristoogenna", "Boo-on Natarlee"
"Boas Festas" or "Sheng Dan Kwhy Lee"

You could say "Frerlicker Vine-akten"
Or maybe "Roshdesrom Kristovim" then

So you can say it in very many ways
But please never say "Happy Holidays"

It Wuz da nite befo Crimmus
An' all ower de hood;
Ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
Dat ol' Sanna Claws
Be bringin' ar check.

All o' de fambly
Wuz layin in de beds,
Whilst Simpsons and Thunderbird
Dance tru' dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo
Right nex to my Mam;
When I herd sech a fuss,
I thunk, "It mus be da Law!"

I looked out thru da bars
What covered my do',
'Spectin da baliff
Wif a warrent fo' sho.

And what did I see,
I said, "Lawd, look at dat!"
They was a huge watta' melon,
Pulled by giant warf rats!

Now ober all de years
Sanna Claws, he be white;
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a po'lees car,
My homeboy he came;
He wupped on dem warf rats,
An' called dem by name!

"On Leroy, on 'Lonzo,
And on Willie Lee,
On Sapphire, on Chenequa,"
Dey wuz a site to see!

As he landed dat watta'mellon
Out der in da skreet,
I knowed it was fo' sho'
Da damdest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley,
He picked da' lock on my door';
An' I sez to mysef,
"Shit! He done dis before'!"

He had dis big bag,
Full of presents I 'spect;
Wid Nike Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents,
Jus' started steelin' my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!

Wit my stuff in da bag,
Out da winda he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him,
But he stoled my 'nife too!

He jumped on dat wadda'mellon,
An' wipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon',
Dat son of a bitch!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git,
'Cuz diz here Sanna Claws
Jus' ain't werf a shit!

Look I've been getting ready for Christmas
I'm revving up for the great day
my credit card's cracked and my freezer is packed
'cause I started my shopping in May

The bin men have gotten quite friendly
they're after a present I fear
they won't feel so chuffed when I tell them - get stuffed
'cause they don't speak the rest of the year

The family is coming for dinner
last year it was quite a good laugh
we ate fairly late - dished the veg on the plate
found the turkey was still in the bath

The Kids are all pink with excitement
'cause Santa will come so they say
their lists are extensive - extremely expensive
and they'll break it all by Boxing day

But it's worth all that fuss Christmas morning
when their little eyes are all aglow
when we're all feeling merry full of goodwill and sherry
and suffering from wind Ho Ho Ho

But please don't forget why we do it
why each year we must go to this fuss
for that guy up above who brought peace and brought love
and who probably owns Toys R Us.!

A knight was expected to be gentle and faithful to his lady, fearless in battle and tournament, courteous and merciful to a defeated enemy and honourable in everything.

Lancelot, Ivanhoe, Robin Hood, and Joan of Arc, the very names ring with chivalry. The question then is "What is Chivalry?" The word comes from chevalerie which derives from cheval, French for horse. And the horse is what set the knight apart. Remember Richard III's cry in Shakespeare, "My kingdom for a horse."

The Europeans bred the draft-type horse up in size and strength to carry the ever increasing weight of an armour-bearing knight. Stirrups, which had been brought from the east in about the eighth century, stabilised this armoured, lance-bearing warrior astride his gigantic steed.

Before stirrups, you clung on as best you could. The shock attack of medieval knights was a weapon of great impact, indeed a military revolution on horseback.

The words "tournament" and "joust" are often used interchangeably. Strictly speaking "joust" describes single combat between two horsemen. "Tournament" refers to mounted combat between parties of knights, but also is used to refer to the whole proceeding.

The first written tournament guidelines are usually credited to a Frenchman named Geoffroi de Purelli in 1066. Unfortunately, he was killed at the very tournament for which he made the rules.

War, as a regular occupation for a gentleman, had many disadvantages. Although it was necessary, from time to time, to go to war in the service of one's liege lord, this included the disagreeable prospect of death or dysentery, sleeping on the cold, stony ground or baking in one's chain mail under a blazing sun.

There was excitement and renown to be won in war, but just as much renown could be won, at far less inconvenience, in the tournament of peace.

Tournaments were, at first, simply battles arranged on some pretext at a suitable rendezvous between parties of knights.

From these bloody conflicts there developed the tournament conducted according to a complex code of rules. In a tournament a knight could enjoy all the excitement, danger and glory of war, with none of the dirt, flies, disease or discomfort. After the fight he could soak his bruised, bloody limbs in a warm bath, eat a good dinner and retire, appropriately accompanied, to a soft bed.

In war he might win fame and fortune; in tournaments he could win these and much more. Fundamental to the tournament was the idea of chivalrous and romantic conduct. A knight selected a lady; beautiful and preferably married to a husband of slightly higher rank.

In her honour he would fight. If he fought successfully, he expected to receive his reward. It was considered downright disgraceful - absolute treachery - for a lady to refuse her favours to a knight who had fought in her honour.

Obviously, there was a direct conflict between the Christian ideal of monogamy and what can only be described as polite aristocratic adultery, which quickly brought the wrath of the Church upon all who participated.

The French excelled in this department, whereas in England, a tournament was regarded more as serious training for war. English contests became so savage that the Church of England eventually forbade the Christian burial of those killed in tournaments.

"Those who fall in tourneys will go to hell", scolded one monk. Tournaments were generally viewed with disapproval by the Church because they distracted the knights from the crusades, and by the state because of the unwarranted loss of life. Popes preached against them and Kings regarded them with unease, nervous about the potential threat a large gathering of military forces could impose on their politically unstable regions.

Both were quite powerless to stop them. The knights' enthusiasm was already too great and the powers-to-be were forced to extend a grudging tolerance to the new sport.

The Statute of Arms for Tournaments, established in 1292, helped curtail the bloodshed at tournaments. Under this edict all Knights were automatically considered gentlemen, rather like the Congressional edict in the United States that makes all armed forces commissioned personnel "officers and gentlemen".

They were required to abide by the ideas of chivalry and fair play, thus reducing the abhorrence of the church considerably.

At the end of the thirteenth century, when tournaments ceased to be miniature battles with no holds barred, they became organized spectacles, subject to accepted conventions and often fought with blunted weapons.

To kill a man in a tournament was considered wrong - or, at the very least, unfortunate. For killing a horse there was no excuse. The knight's object became one of knocking off their horses as many opponents as possible, and in the process, breaking as many lances as possible; obviously the more lances a knight broke, the greater must have been the force of his charge and the higher his level of horsemanship.

There were three kinds of tournaments prior to the 17th Century:

MELEE' or TOURNEY PROPER - popular in the twelfth and thirteenth century. This form was the most brutal and costly in lives. All participants, upon hearing the charge, promptly crashed onto the tournament field and proceeded to unhorse all others by any method at hand until a winner was determined.

INDIVIDUAL JOUST - an encounter with lances between two knights. The rules were simple. If a combatant struck either rider or horse he was disqualified. A clean hit to the centre or "boss" of the shield shattering the lance, or unseating the opponent scored points. A low partition wall separating contestants was introduced in about 1420 strictly as a measure to reduce injury to horses.

PRACTICE TOURNAMENT - Involved very little ceremony and few rules. Practice targets were provided by either a quintain or rings. The quintain was a wooden target mounted on a horizontal pole at which the knight aimed his lance. If the target was struck accurately, it would swing harmlessly aside; if struck off centre, the weighted arm swung around with enough velocity to unseat the knight.

The other form of jousting in the practice tournament was "riding at the rings", the surviving form of jousting with which we are most concerned. A ring was suspended on a cord, which was to be carried off on the tip of the knight's lance.

Both the quintain and the ring joust were exercises that developed accuracy skills. These skills became increasingly important as individual jousts gained popularity.

The huge melee' tournament which had dominated the twelfth and most of the thirteenth centuries began to lose popularity as the small-scale joust emerged towards the end of the thirteenth century.

Jousting came to be a sport where the correct physical co-ordination of horse and rider resulted in a safe but spectacular splintering of lances. The manipulation of a powerful horse and a heavy lance, complicated by the restricted movement and vision imposed by armour, was a skill acquired only with patient practice at such devices as the quintain and the ring.

Furthermore, it is probable that riding at the rings was perceived also as a display of chivalric romance. Winning knights were awarded customary "golden rings" along with kisses, in a formal and elaborate prize-giving ceremony by the ladies of the court, who had rapidly, became central to the whole ideal of knighthood during the fourteenth century.

The ring tournament has survived the longest. Accounts of famous festivals during the sixteenth and seventeenth century, including King's Day in honour of James I during the 1600s in England, list at least nine festival occasions where "running at the rings" was featured.

Knowledge of these affairs was carried to the colonies by English cavaliers and officers in the mid-seventeenth century.

Black Death and Leprosy

The two most curious epidemics during the Middle Ages were Black Death and leprosy. Due to the specific environmental circumstances of medieval Europe and the religion of medieval people, these two epidemics had great social repercussions.

Black Death

In early 1347, a fearful epidemic of bubonic plague broke out in Constantinople. From then on, this great plague would reach Europe and kill approximately from one-fourth to nine-tenths of the human population in the affected areas.

What is the Black Death, also known as the Black Plague, Bubonic Plague, or just the Plague? From a modern medical point of view, it is a pneumonic type of an infection, highly contagious, which could be transmitted via inhalation, ingestion, or even slight abrasion of skin.

Usually, lung lesions occur, hearth and kidneys turn into fatty goo, and death may occur from hearth failure. The walls of blood vessels are attacked frequently causing haemorrhages and acute blood poisoning. It is fatal in almost all cases.

Why such name, Black Death? "The traditional belief is that it was so called because the putrefying flesh of the victims blackened in the final hours before death supervened. The trouble about this otherwise plausible theory is that no such phenomenon occurred. It is true that, in cases of septicemic plague, small black or purple blotches formed on the bodies of the sick and this symptom must have made a vivid impression on beholders".

The position of a medieval doctor faced with Black Death was that of certainty that the air surrounding the infected area is at fault. Because the Plague would attack a particular region, kill off everyone within it, and then move on to an adjacent region, the circulating and moving air was blamed for the deaths.

The idea of the infection of the atmosphere dates back to Galen; what is shocking is the fact that no medieval doctor formed a logical explanation for Black Death, which would interfere with the poisoned atmosphere theory. Details of the symptoms were gathered by many in literary forms, yet surprisingly, nobody bothered to put together all the information and logically analyse the occurrences at hand.

Eventually, not being able to deny the evidence of their own eyes, people started to make a connection between an infected person and the increasing number of the infected around that person. Given the disgusting nature of the disease itself and its apparent infectiousness, the infected individuals instead of received pity were ostracised.
During the later months of Black Death in Europe, it was common to see unburied corpses piled on top of each other in dug up holes.

In addition to actual contact with an infected person, rats and fleas played a role in spreading the disease. The rats were basically used as transport for the fleas who would not mind living partially on humans, partially on rats. This way, enough bacteria from one person could be easily transported to another by the means of a flea. The rats provided for easier spread of the disease on a larger geographical scale.

No cure has been found for the Plague in the Middle Ages, although on occasion, the more glory-seeking doctors would visit hospitals or the sick in other areas and speak up their thoughts on this illness, mostly in order to have their voice heard and obtain fame within the medical world.

Leprosy

Leprosy is an infectious disease caused by Mycobacterium leprae, a first cousin of tuberculosis bacteria.

Unlike tuberculosis, leprosy bacteria cannot be grown outside living animal cells, and even within them they multiply very slowly; they can remain dormant, alive but inactive, for a long time. Leprosy bacteria probably spread from person to person as readily as tuberculosis, but disease less often follows, both because the bacteria are less virulent and because most people have a high degree of natural resistance to the disease.

Why then, such panic about it during the Middle Ages? First of all, as scary as leprosy sounds, we cannot be sure that what is described, as leprosy was in fact this particular disease in the Middle Ages. It seems that this name was given oftentimes to many other disfiguring diseases.

This is a great example of the underlying principles of medieval European world; more often than not, in cases of disfigurement it was not the actual educated doctors who would diagnose a patient. But rather it would be the priests or even the common people who would become the arbiters of the disease. The cure for leprosy was not known and the treatment prescribed was usually isolation.

Lepers were usually banned to leper hospitals or leper communities. "Throughout medieval Europe admission fees, gifts, tolls, and taxes helped to support leper hospitals, although their wealth depended mainly upon endowments".

In many cases, leper hospitals housed as well the poor and other sick, who were not fearful enough of leprosy but hungry enough to risk infection.

In many cases, leprosy would mean separation from family, from husband or wife. Some European countries would allow the spouse to join the leper or divorce may be a solution. This was a difficult decision, for under law, a leper held no rights, and under Church doctrines, a leper was considered dead. A spouse of a leper had to decide whether to abandon his or her chosen life partner or join them in non-existence.

Additionally, if a wife and husband decided to leave together, they might have a hard time finding a leper colony that would accept both males and females, as such colonies were usually gender biased.

A leper in a leper colony would more often than not suffer from depression due to sudden abandon of known circle of family and friends, and the new unfamiliar surroundings. In addition, a leper, as opposed to any other sick person in the Middle Ages, could not expect visits, for leprosy was thought to be extremely contagious.

With time, leper colonies and hospitals suffered a decline. In the early 16th century, the leper population was practically non-existent.

This is mostly due to Black Death, which has killed a great portion of the population, including the already sick (and possibly more prone to the disease) lepers.

"Damn medieval plumbing!"

Toilet facilities in the Middle Ages may not have been as primitive as previously thought.

Hole truth

This Loo "was state of the art. The pit was covered to stop smells filtering upwards. On the street of course the filth was everywhere but in the homes of nobles, cleanliness was paramount,"

Lesser mortals of course had less sophisticated apparatus - also based on the principle of sending faeces into free-fall, but this time into the open air.

Some were no more than holes built into the wall, others were primitive outhouses perched with wooden supports onto an upper story.

Accidents in these contraptions were common.

Hair loss mixture

As for wiping material, John the Fearless had the advantage of a supply cotton and linen rags. Ordinary people used a plant known as common mullein, whose leaves - though hardly absorbent - were pleasantly soft.

An example grows in the tower's garden for visitors to test.

"Hygiene in the Middle Ages" has plenty of other interesting information about how our ancestors kept themselves clean.

Soap came in two kinds - black and white, coral and cuttlebones were used for teeth, shampoo was made from fern-ash, vine stalks and egg-white - and after the Crusades the novel idea of all-body depilation took on.

Medieval source books quote a recipe of quick-lime, bean-flour, urine and sulphurate of arsenic as a useful hair-remover. Modern-day doctors say don't recommend it.

"In the Middle Ages using water on the body was seen as a source of cleanliness and purity - literally as well as religiously,"

"It was only much later that a different mentality arrived which feared exposure to air and water, and believed the body's goodness had to be heavily protected from outside elements,"

Perhaps this explains the generally recognised decline in French hygiene standards in subsequent centuries.

In the court of the Sun King in Versailles for example courtiers were reduced to squatting in corners because of the lack of facilities.

In the early 20th century Parisian women were renowned for their foul odour, which they covered up with copious amounts of perfume.

This was largely an architectural problem, with old buildings being divided up into scores of apartments to accommodate the burgeoning masses.

Phew!

Christmas is a wonderful time of year to enjoy the company of family and friends, who are often living in many different locations around the globe. The Spirit of Christmas is celebrated with the best of wine and food, and often follows traditions of the past.

Increasingly, the fare is changing and is becoming more representative of the climate and the cuisine that is available at that time of year.

The Knights of the Round Table certainly knew how to entertain!

Christmas - a reflection of the Grandeur of Medieval England

Feasting and revelry, tournaments and jousting-this was the pattern of the medieval Christmas, and unlike Christmas today it was by no means limited to a mere two or three days of celebration, to be followed a week later by a sometimes half-hearted welcome to the New Year. In those far-off times hospitality was rough but magnificent and the festivities would last for a fortnight or more, when the barons and knights kept open house.

But it was on Christmas Day that the grand feast, given by the feudal chieftain to his friends and retainers would take place with all the pomp and ceremony he could muster. Most important of the dishes served up on this great occasion would be the boar's head. With this the banquet commenced, and heralded by a fanfare of trumpets, and to the strains of the minstrels, the chief serving man carried it into the banqueting hall on a plate of gold or silver, for no meaner metal was acceptable. Behind him came a stately procession of nobles, knights and ladies, and as they followed him to the table he sang:

Caput apri defero,
Reddens laudes Domino.
The hoar's head in hand bring I
With garlands gay and rosemary;
I pray you all sing merrily,
Qec estis in convivio.

The boar's head would be magnificently garnished with herbs and bay leaves, with either a large apple speared on the end of each tusk or else an orange placed between them. Mustard was considered an indispensable accompaniment and, indeed, when many centuries later the parliaments of the Commonwealth tried to put an end to Christmas feasting, and with it the traditional boar's head, it was from the mustard sellers that the loudest complaints came.

Of course, Parliament did not succeed in banishing the Christmas festivities forever, and though with the Restoration most of the age-old customs came back, the boar's head never regained its supreme place at the Christmas table.

Second only in importance to the boar's head at the medieval Christmas feast was the peacock, and infinite care and patience was needed for its preparation before, in all its glory, it was carried to the table. First the skin was stripped off very carefully in order to leave the plumage undamaged; then the bird was stuffed with spices and sweet herbs, basted with yoke of egg, and roasted.

When cooked and partially cooled it was sewn up again in its feathers, the beak gilded, and it was then ready for the table. Sometimes the plumage, too, was covered with gold leaf and a piece of cotton, saturated with spirits, placed in its beak and set alight.

By Cock & Pie

The privilege of bringing in the peacock was given to the lady-guests most distinguished by birth or beauty. To the sound of music, one of them would carry it into the dining hall-the others following in due order-and place it before the master of the house or his most honoured guest. This was the sign for the tournament to begin, and the victor in the lists was then expected to show his skill in carving the peacock.

On some occasions the bird would be served in a pie, its plumed head appearing above the crust at one end, and its magnificent fanned tail at the other. It was over this splendid dish that the knights-errant were supposed to swear, in the best traditions of chivalry, that they would undertake whatever perilous enterprise came their way-and from this old custom comes the oath of Shakespeare's day, "By cock and pie!"

Boar's head and peacock were but two of the many dishes that graced the medieval Christmas table. There would be geese and capons as well, pheasants drenched in ambergris, carps' tongues and-almost a national dish-furmante. Sometimes it is referred to as frumenty, or furmety, but whatever its name, it was made to the same traditional recipe. The basic ingredient was wheat, pounded till it could be separated from the husks, and then simmered for several hours. When cool, "clean fresh broth" was added, then milk or sweet milk of almonds, and the yokes of eggs; it was heated again, and was then ready to be served with the venison or fresh mutton.

Venison was rarely served without it, but furmante sweetened with sugar, and presumably the "clean fresh broth" being omitted, was a favourite dish of itself.

In later times there were to come those things which are today an essential part of the Christmas fare-the mince pies and Christmas pudding, which were first known as mutton pies (or Christmas pies), and plum porridge. As early as 1596 mutton pies were an established favourite; later on neats tongues were substituted for the mutton, but otherwise the remaining ingredients were much the same as those used today. Plum porridge, or plum pottage, was served with the first course of the Christmas dinner.

It was made by boiling beef or mutton with broth, thickened with brown bread; when half boiled, raisins, currants, prunes, cloves, mace and ginger were added, and when it had all been thoroughly boiled it was sent to the table as an accompaniment to the best meats.

Plum pudding, however, seems to have been much more up-to-date, and a recipe published in 1675 is almost identical with the modern one both as regards the ingredients and the cooking, which is by boiling the pudding in a basin. By Addison's time, plum porridge and plum pudding were of equal importance, and he went so far as to write that of neither does any man "of the most rigid virtue give offence by an excess ... because they are the first parts of the dinner."

But the Englishman's feasting was not limited to the Christmas season-in fact, he had the reputation of "living well" all the year round.

A much travelled writer of the early seventeenth century, who was familiar with most countries of Europe, wrote with great enthusiasm of the immense variety of food in England and (in contrast to our reputation today!) of the much higher standard of cooking compared with other countries on the Continent.

Remember that Life is a gift we're given each and every day.

Dream about tomorrow, but live for today.

To live a little, you've got to love a whole lot.

Love turns the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Life's a journey always worth taking.

Take time to smell the roses, tulips, daffodils, lilacs, and sunflowers.

Count blessings like children count stars.

The secret of a happy life isn't buried in a treasure chest... it lies within your heart.

It's the little moments that make life big.

Don't wait. Make memories today.

Celebrate your life!

The secret to a safer and less stressful Christmas is to plan how you will travel if there is a chance that you might be drinking, e.g. nominate a driver who will not be drinking, arrange a taxi, find out about public transport or organise an overnight stay.

Alcohol enters the blood system relatively quickly (in about 20 minutes), but takes much longer to be broken down and expelled from the body – meaning the effects last much longer than you may realise.

It takes at least 1 hour for every unit of alcohol drunk to be broken down and removed from your body – 5 units (about 2 pints of beer) will take 5 hours, so be aware that the morning after you could still be ‘over the limit’.

Did you know that there is no way to sober up other than time. The myths of black coffee, fresh air and cold showers are just that, myths. Black coffee will make you feel awake and drunk. Fresh air makes you cold and drunk. Cold showers make you cold, wet and drunk …… but you’re still drunk.

For further information have a look at the at the drink aware web site at

www.drinkaware.co.uk/how-many-units.html

Please enjoy a safe and healthy holiday period and plan the times when you will and won’t be driving.

May I take this opportunity to wish you and your families a safe Christmas and New Year.

The Knights Rumble, Rumble on the road,
footsteps fall, their story's told.
Some will not find their end,

Some will falter Now, and Then,
Again, Again, Again.

They will not see their end.

Rumble, Rumble on the road,
footsteps falling, horses trod,
on cobblestones of old,
I heard their story told.

I saw their horses through the trees,
Heard their panting through the leaves.

Rumble, rumble through the grass,
through the woods and hills they pass,

Cottages of those,
whose hearts and unmarching stepping toes,
will never have to go,

Will never have to know,
The Rumble, Rumble on the road,
or the places they have trod.

Rumble, Rumble on the road,
I've reached its cobblestones of old,
To see her story forever told,
her 'Majesty', unfold.

And Now, I look up to see,
these strangers Passing me,
in broken lines that spoke,
of shattered hearts and fleeting hopes.
Courage, Bravery,
the Warriors passing me.

Rumble, Rumble on the road,
the mystical unfolds,
of Chivalry it told.

And their story's very, very old.

"And we do it all for you,
the Glory of the Story,
Freedom,
FREEDOM from TYRANNY,

And those things which covet and condemn,
the hearts and lives of men.

We few and yet, so, many,
Knights of Old, we will always, Rise Again!"

Their water colors fade . . .

Rumble, Rumble on the road
footsteps falling, places trod.
And their story's very, very old,
Muted Now, what Once was Bold.

And then I saw his horse stumble,
saw him tumble,
to the ground.

That awful, humbling sound.
I rushed and took his hand,
And tried to understand,
How this could come to be,
When this he said to me.

"I sing my song no more,
Spilt my life's blood,
but would spill more.
As I escape to castles high,
to that somewhere in the sky,

Where brave men have gone to rest,
Courage beating in their breast.
For chivalry never dies,
it just marches on and flies,
in the wake of fallen men,
Who will one day Rise Again!

Yes, one day Rise again!

My battles are all done,
my victory has been won."

But asked I,

"Is your victory sweet?"
There was no reply.
He had died and gone to sleep.

And Now, the watercolors fade,
muted silent,
Death's been Paid.

Rumble, Rumble on the Road,
the Knights of Now,
the Knights of Old,

Their Story, it's been told,
As her 'Majesty', unfolds.
Quests of honor, are of gold.
And their Crusaders,
So, I've been told,
will Rise and Rise Again,
Again, Again, Again,

In the hearts and minds of men,
When her 'Majesty' unfolds,
IN Those Majestic Skies of Old.

By Linda A.Copp ©

Joan was born at Domrémy, France circa 6 January 1412. Citing a mandate from God to drive the English out of France, she was eventually given an escort to bring her before Charles of Ponthieu (later known as King Charles VII).

After gaining the approval of the Church scholars at Poitiers in March of 1429, she was granted titular command of an army which quickly lifted the siege of Orléans on 8 May 1429, captured Jargeau, Meung-sur-Loire, and Beaugency in mid-June, and defeated an English army at Patay on June 18.

After accepting the surrender of the city of Troyes and other towns, the army escorted Charles to the city of Rheims for his coronation on July 17. An unsuccessful attack was made on Paris on September 8, followed by the successful capture of St-Pierre-le-Moutier on November 4.

As a reward for her service, Charles VII granted her noble status along with her family on 29 December 1429.

She returned to the field the following year, despite predicting her own defeat. Captured at Compiègne on 23 May 1430 and transferred to the English, she was placed on trial in Rouen by a selected group of pro-English clergy, many of whom nevertheless had to be coerced into voting for a guilty verdict.

Convicted and executed on 30 May 1431, she was subsequently declared innocent by an Inquisitorial court on 7 July 1456 after a lengthy re-trial process which was initiated shortly after the English were finally driven from Rouen, thereby allowing access to the documents and witnesses associated with her trial.

The presiding Inquisitor, Jean Bréhal, ruled that the original trial had been tainted by fraud, illegal procedures, and intimidation of both the defendant and many of the clergy who had taken part in the trial, and she was therefore described as a martyr by the Inquisitor.

After the usual lengthy delay associated with the sluggish process of canonization, she was beatified on April 11, 1909 and canonized as a saint on 16 May 1920.

Volunteers are needed to help save red squirrels from falling victim to a fatal outbreak of squirrel pox.

The call comes after 11 red squirrels died from the disease at the National Trust reserve in Formby, Merseyside.

The disease is carried by grey squirrels, who are not affected by it, but experts fear the reds could be wiped out if it is not contained.

Lancashire Wildlife Trust is appealing for people to help spot any of the creatures which show signs of sickness.

Volunteers can help by contacting the trust and taking part in an organised search for sick red squirrels.

If removed, they can be prevented from spreading the infection. Otherwise, the pox could spread through the whole colony.

Fiona Whitfield from the trust said: "We are in a desperate situation. Anyone who can spare the time to take part in a regular sweep of the National Trust site should call me straight away.

"If we don't win this battle, we could be saying goodbye to our red squirrels forever."

Members of the public are strongly advised not to handle sick squirrels without the necessary training and protective equipment.

If you can get in contact with Fiona..."Remember Always Take Precautions"

I have discovered Ten things that a Woman would like in her Man!

What Women want in a Man List …(at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

----------------------------------
1. Breathing x

Can I just point out that I am in my Prime! "I Think!"

It costs £35,000 to trap & kill each 'infected' badger, about £7 million a year!
Stop DEFRA wasting lives and taxpayers money, get involved NOW!

Look its Cattle to cattle transmission that is the main cause of bovine TB, yet badgers carry on being killed and scapegoated. The UK government carries on with this political whitewash scam to placate the farming lobby - wasting millions of pounds and causing the deaths of thousands of cattle and badgers.

While there isn't enough of cattle TB testing and no proper cattle movement controls, bovine TB will carry on increasing until someone listens. Even the government believe that the main source of bovine TB is cattle to cattle, yet the killing goes on!

The Government hides behind their policy of a long-term protracted lie, which misinforms the public.

When cattle were cooped up for longer periods (than 'normal') like during the FMD outbreak, low levels of the disease were amplified in herds. Now cattle have being sold and moved - without any TB testing, spreading the disease to new places.

An example of that scapegoating is that farmers and farming unions have been blaming badgers for the decline in skylarks for years. But in a briefing paper to the Government TB Forum in May 2002, Dr Chris Cheeseman from DEFRA's Ecological Research Unit, confirmed that cattle are responsible for 60% of nest destruction’s.

In contrast, badgers and foxes are responsible for just 15% of destructions. Most significantly, Dr Cheeseman confirmed that intensive grazing regimes increase the likelihood of nest destruction.

Dr Cheeseman also rebuked farming unions for claiming that badger numbers are “exploding”. He also confirmed that no evidence has been found to link an increase in the badger population to the increase in bovine TB in cattle.

Cattle should be more frequently tested for bovine TB. Cattle should be tested before being moved or sold and cattle movements from TB areas into 'clean' areas of Britain should be restricted.

DEFRA appears to be making little or no effort to record the illegal killing of badgers - in trial areas or elsewhere. This is despite evidence - from the police and others that farmers are killing badgers in TB areas. In addition, Professor Bourne has expressed his concern to badger groups that the illegal killing is "sinister".

Ecological Impact - The effect of killing badgers over a 2000 km² plus area has not been studied. In fact the government/DEFRA refused to do an independent environmental impact study into the cull and pressed on regardless.

What will be the effect of the local extinction of badgers? Especially in Devon where a Reactive area and two Proactive areas are adjacent to each other: North Devon - Proactive, East Cornwall - Reactive - Mid Devon - Proactive.

THE WAY FORWARD - Cattle TB control? In textbooks, bovine TB is simply a slow but progressive bronchopneumonia, hence:

A - If unchecked, TB spreads slowly but inexorably at three levels:

Individual - The initial lung lesion/s grow and spawn secondary lesions in the lungs, then kidneys, uterus, udder, etc. The older the animal the more advanced the TB is in size/number of lesions, test positivity, infectiousness: few bacilli shed intermittently, then with multiple gross lesions up to 38 million/day.

Population - 1. Within herds, 2. Local clusters of herds, 3. Distant herd via missed carrier, producing 'new' hotspot cluster... clusters grow and merge eventually.

Respiratory - spread via aerosolised sputum, just like human colds, flu, TB and other cattle 'pneumonia’s' (Viral RSV, Bacterial Pasteurella, etc and mycoplasmal).

B - The two checks are determined by the long incubation of the disease:

Annual testing - On 'average' it takes about 2 months to become a reactor (8-65 days) then about a year to reach the more infectious visible lesion stage.

Movement ban - Apart from false positives, this latency is party why the test is only 80% accurate (68% on retests) so a movement ban is the only guaranteed way of preventing spread to TB-free areas. Less useful is sourcing from 'allegedly' TB-free areas, pre-movement tests, or post-movement tests which can never be better than catch-up. Restocking without movement ban/testing has already taken TB to areas TB-free for up to 50 years: Powys, Dumfries, Ayr, Cumbria, Northumberland, Durham, and Yorks. Leics. And Sussex.

C - Widely overlooked is why annual testing is the gold standard world-wide and under EC directives, but has three critical impacts on TB control:

Minimising spread - Reactors are removed at the early lesion stage before they can pass on TB to any extent, both within the herd and in sold on cattle. Both factors apply to contiguous or bought-in cattle in local or distant herds, (if these are on longer test intervals, TB will simply build up within the herd). Some breakdowns are now 60% of the herd affected.

Respiratory spread - The microscopic NVL lesion(s) are almost 100% in the lungs or lymph nodes associated with the respiratory tract, these early lesions show spread by inhalation.

Demographic - After some years of annual testing older TB cattle are removed, so the ongoing problem is confined to younger cattle.

The whole national cattle herd has to be tested just to find out where TB has got to?

The 'official' backlog of tests is causing problems and until there have been several years of annual testing in hotspots are needed to even begin to bring the spread under control. It is absurd that it is taking some 53-320 days to remove reactors!

It’s even more absurd that this government is ignoring all the evidence and is now planning mass murder of these precious creatures!

CHAWETTY'S (15TH CENTURY MEAT PIE)

Recipe: Serving Size: 8

1 1/2 lb Pork or veal, cubed
1 1/2 c Water Pastry for 8″ double pie –crust
6 tb Chopped dates
6 tb Currants
2 ts Salt
5 Saffron threads
3/4 ts Ground ginger
3/4 ts Black pepper
1/2 ts Ground mace
1/4 ts Ground cloves
3/4 c Red wine
1 tb Wine vinegar
10 Egg yokes.

In saucepan, simmer meat in water 20 minutes. Drain. Line 8″ square baking dish with pastry. In bowl, combine meat, dates and currants. Place meat mixture into pastry-lined dish. In bowl, combine salt, saffron, ginger, pepper, mace, cloves, wine, vinegar and 9 egg yolks, reserving 1 yolk, and pour over.

Cover with top crust, crimp well, make triangular cuts in centre and fold tips back. Beat reserved yolk (save whites for another use) and brush on crust. Bake at 375'F. Until crust is browned and meat is heated through, 25-30 minutes. Makes 6-8 servings.

Let me tell you now this is a dream! Medieval cooking at its very best!

To really understand this issue, we must look at the history of the eradication of TB in cattle.

It all started after World War II and we reached the point of eradication across the country in the 1970s.

But, back then, badger numbers were nowhere near as high as they are today.

It's interesting to see that when the Badger Protection Act arrived in 1973 - to guard against badger baiting and rightly so - you find there is a gradual increase in TB incidences.

There is a provision in the act for farmers to apply for licences if they do have a problem - the trouble is they would automatically be rejected because the government is running cull trials in England.

As soon as the Labour Government has its landslide victory, one of the first things they did was stop badger removal operations.

In that intervening period, we have seen a rise in TB in cattle.

What I am afraid of is that farmers will come under so much pressure that they will carry out illegal culls. The pressure is mounting all the time.

My own opinion is that Badgers are being made scapegoats.

Over the last 25 years, the government has gassed or shot more than 30,000 badgers in trying to stop bovine TB spreading.

Even Defra scientists are saying that cattle-to-cattle transmission is probably more significant.

The government have been warned already that there will be new outbreaks in cattle in areas of the country because cattle are not being tested before they are moved from TB hotspots.

Defra has already confirmed that this is happening, with confirmed cases in Cumbria and Scotland tracked back to Cornwall.

Farmers are restocking after the foot-and-mouth crisis from TB hotspots, mainly in the West Country.

TB is being introduced into cattle in new areas, such as Denbighshire.

It is inevitable that there will be more outbreaks in areas such as this which have not been infected before.

Foot-and-mouth showed how quickly disease can spread through animals, the same applies to TB.

In the past year, cattle have been kept in barns because of foot-and-mouth, breathing over each other and spreading the disease.

The reality is that bovine TB is spread from cow to cow, on the farm and in the marketplace.

The causes of disease are not black-and-white. Poor standards of animal health and welfare spread sickness like lightning.

The government has been killing badgers since the mid 1970s and that has not stopped TB.

So while farmers are calling for badgers to be killed, we don't know whether it is effective at all.

In many parts of Wales, the ministry has killed badgers, and none of them have been infected with TB.

Bovine TB in cattle has spread to south Wales and the Midlands.

Often, it jumps miles to unaffected areas. Badgers do not travel these great distances. Cattle do.

The badger slaughter policy has failed.

The badger killing experiment is inhumane. Even badgers with cubs have been shot.

Badger groups have rescued cold, wet and starving cubs found above ground in the killing zones.

The government's persistent focus on badgers is impractical, unpopular, inhumane and disastrous for wildlife.

People want to see the problem dealt with through improved cattle testing and diagnosis and a cattle vaccine for TB.

Unfortunately the Government are now leaning towards a mass cull of our Badger population, and it goes against all rational thinking and scientific advice.

Historians will argue how much England was changed by the events of 1066, and whether things were changing anyway.
Without a doubt, by 1087, William made sure he was in control of his new kingdom.

William swiftly dealt with any resistance he met.

Government was sustained and improved.

The English language developed and progressed.

England has never been successfully invaded again!

The Battle of Hastings was astonishing. To quote Jim Bradbury, "... it changed a crown, it changed a nation, and it deserves its reputation as one of the few occasions and dates which everyone remembers." [The Battle of Hastings (Sutton, 1998) p.242]

Yet the Norman Conquest is more than just a date,
it is a awe-inspiring and a central event in world history.

Curd Cheese Pastries Serves 6:

225g (8oz) wholemeal or whole wheat shortcrust pastry 225g
(8 oz) curd cheese 25g
(1oz) very finely chopped stem or crystallised ginger or plump raisins
15g (1/2 oz) toasted and chopped pine nuts
Sugar to taste lemon juice to taste

Roll the pastry out very thin and cut it into small rectangles approximately 15x8 cm (6x3 inches.

You should have at least 24.

Bake them in a moderately hot oven (190C, 375F, Gas Mark 5) for ten minutes or till they are crisp and brown.

Remove them and cool on a rack. Meanwhile mix the curd cheese with the ginger or raisins, the pine nuts and the sugar and lemon to taste.

Set aside.

When you are ready to serve, sandwich together two pieces of pastry with the cheese mixture. They can be used as a dessert or as a snack.

Luvly Jubly!

Old Henry II (1154-89) was the son of Queen Maud and Geoffrey of Anjou. He took as his emblem the "sprig of broom" of the House of Anjou, which in the French of the day became "plant a genet", or Plantagenet.Henry was a good administrator, but he had a terrible temper, which would get him into trouble.

He raised unlicensed castles that had sprung up during the anarchy of the cival war, and reclaimed many of the rights and powers of the crown that had laxed.

Becket, Henry's carousing chum and chief administrator was a cleric by the name of Thomas a Becket. When the See of Canterbury fell empty in 1162 Henry convinced a very reluctant Becket to become the new Archbishop.

Henry, of course, assumed that his friend would be sympathetic to the royal cause in the escalating battle between church and state. He wasn't. Thomas underwent a change of character as Archbishop. He was ostentatiously severe and strict in his observance of church law.

He wore a penitential hair shirt under his vestments, and had his underlings flog him frequently. More importantly, he opposed Henry over the question of the supremacy of ecclesiastical courts.

Criminous Clerks - At that time anyone in orders could only be tried in church courts. In practice, the number of clerics was huge, including several levels of lay priests and clerks. Henry, anxious to assert the power of royal justice, claimed that the "criminous clerks" should be tried in royal courts. To his surprise, Becket refused to agree.

Becket's Death - The Archbishop fled to France after defying Henry.
They eventually were reconciled with the aid of the pope, and Becket returned. He immediately infuriated Henry by excommunicating those bishops who had prudently supported the king during Becket's exile.

Henry flew into one of his famous rages. Four knights, perhaps seeking to curry favour with the king, rode from Westminster to Canterbury and killed Becket in front of the main altar of the Cathedral when he refused to relent.

Henry's Penance, Henry, full of remorse, did penance imposed by the pope. He walked to Canterbury Cathedral in sack cloth and ashes and allowed himself to be flogged by the monks there. He also gave way for the moment on the question of court authority.

Consequences of Becket's Death - Becket's martyrdom did Canterbury Cathedral no harm at all. In a very short time miraculous cures began to be reported at his tomb. The old Cathedral burned down in 1174, and it was the growing popularity of Becket's shrine as a place of pilgrimage that paid for the rebuilding.

Much of the magnificent Cathedral that we see today was built on the proceeds of gifts and the sale of "official souvenirs" at the shrine during the next few hundred years. Canterbury became one of the most visited pilgrimage sites in western Christendom.

Legal Reforms - Henry introduced several major reforms. Prior to 1166 trial by ordeal was a common way of determining guilt or innocence in criminal cases. Under this system, an accused person might have to pick up a red hot bar of iron, or pluck a stone out of a boiling cauldron.

If their hand had begun to heal after three days they were considered to have God on their side, affirming their innocence. One has to wonder how many "not guilty" verdicts were rendered by this system! Henry replaced this rather painful system with a jury of 12 men. He also introduced the first personal property tax. At the same time he forced Wales to at least nominally acknowledge the sovereignty of the English crown.

The Devil's Brood, Henry was not so lucky in his family life. He was married to the forceful Eleanor of Aquitaine, and in their squabbling she turned his sons Richard, John, and Geoffrey against him.
The "Devil's Brood" intrigued, fought,and rebelled against their father. In the end, the crown went to Richard while John "Lackland" received nothing.

Geoffrey received even less; He died before his father.

We all know that Vlad the Impaler was immortalized with Bram Stoker's book Dracula. But, is there any truth to it? Was Vlad the Impaler really a blood-thirsty vampire that sucked people's blood during the night? We will differentiate myth from reality in this article.

Born in Transylvania during the winter of 1431, Vlad Tepes (also known as Vlad the Impaler or Dracula) was the second son to his father Vlad Dracul and his mother Princess Cneajna of Moldavia. Vlad Dracul, before Vlad Tepes was even born, belonged to the Order of the Dragon and eventually he became known as Dracul - meaning "Devil" in Romanian.

What he did to be called such a name, I leave to your imagination.

Tepes in Romanian means "impaler". Vlad Tepes, when prince of Wallachia, gained a reputation for being a very cruel leader. Throughout his life, he killed anywhere from 20,000 to 300,000 people. He showed no mercy and almost invariantly tortured his victims before killing them. Therefore, he was both feared and loved throughout modern day Romania.

When he was imprisoned, he enjoyed to torture insects. With sticks, he'd impale them slowly just like he did years later with real people. With difficulty, he became prince of Wallachia and, with the hate his father had against the rising Ottoman Empire, he conducted many campaigns to conquer their land. One time when he defeated an Ottoman army and took more than 20,000 prisoners, he ordered all of them impaled.

Vlad's favorite form of torture, impalement, consisted of forcing a victim to sit on a sharp and thick stake.

The rank of the victim determined how high the stake was erected with servants being a few feet above the ground just tall enough so when their feet reached the soil, they'd already be dead. According to some historians, when Vlad left the 20,000 enemy soldiers to rot, another army came looking for him.

They cried when they saw the "forest of rotting men" and promptly returned home. Vlad especially enjoyed to have a feast while he watched his victims be tortured.

In one story, when Vlad asked a noble member whom he was having the feast with if he liked the smell of the rotting men and the man said no, Vlad ordered him impaled higher than anyone else so the "smell wouldn't reach him".

Vlad was known for enforcing honesty throughout the his land. He showed no mercy at all. When someone was caught stealing or, even worse, lying, Vlad ordered him impaled. Another target of Vlad was women.

He especially enjoyed cutting their sexual organs sometimes for adultery and other times for no reason at all.

Even though hated by many, Vlad managed to rule for many years. He eventually died in battle or betrayed by one of his own - nobody knows for sure.

What happened to his body is full of myth; nobody knows for certain where he was buried and some insist that he wasn't buried at all and that he still lives to this day. Of course, I leave that for you to decide.

Facts About Vlad Tepes

Dracul means "Devil" in Romanian. Dracula means "son of Dracul" and therefore "son of the Devil".

According to some members of Dracula's castle (now non-existent, see below), Dracula was said to make a meal out of the blood and flesh that he collected from his impaled victims.

Dracula's castle is often said to be Bran Castle. Now we know for certain that even though Dracula stayed there a couple of times, his real castle, now in ruins, is located at Poenari only attracting a few devote fans of Dracula. It was built in a very strategical position surrounded by numerous trees which makes it very difficult to reach.

Vlad's first wife committed suicide, his brother was buried alive and his father was assassinated. Vlad was surrounded with tragedy which probably propelled his desire for blood.

It is a documented fact that Vlad's head was cut and taken to Constantinople to ensure the Turkish population that the reign of Vlad was truly over.

Stories of Dracula

Hall on Fire

One good day when Vlad was a prince, he noticed how many beggars, cripples and people with mental disabilities lived upon his land. He then offered all of them a feast in the great hall of Tirgoviste. Many old people attended too. As the story goes, when the feast was at its climax, Vlad made an appearance.

He asked whether they wanted to live comfortably for the rest of their lives without having to work anymore - as they clearly couldn't. When all of them cheered, Vlad smiled and left the room. He ordered it burnt. Nobody survived.

The Golden Cup

Vlad was so confident about his Kingdom's honesty that he placed a golden cup in the centre of a public plaza. Thousands used the plaza daily and the cup remained there throughout Vlad's reign. The punishment for a thief was impalement.

The Kids

One time, a group of kids was caught stealing apples. They were reported to Vlad himself who, obsessed with honesty, ordered them buried alive with holes for air and some water so they could "eat each other and live longer". He ordered that the last survivor be set free and given some gold.

Not a nice Bloke!

Fulk FitzWarin, is believed to have been Robin Hood, a Norman noble who became an outlaw.
His most famous enemy was John of England, but so was most of the local authority as he stole from the rich for a living.
His accomplishments were passed from generation to generation, in some stories he's an archer who fought in the crusades and when he returned home his lands were taken by the Sheriff of Nottingham. In another account, he was a Norman rebel who defied the English king and was a blood-thirsty killer of royal blood.

More recently, he has been associated with "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". It is not clear when this story was first created, but there is no proof that the actual person, Fulk FitzWarin, ever did so.

In fact, even though the similarities between Robin Hood and Fulk FitzWarin are remarkable, there is no real proof that proves their identity.

You know I can’t say that I believe in horoscopes, but I do occasionally find them fascinating.My most favourite animal is a Tiger.

I’m not really sure if I’m spellbound by it because I was born in the Year of Tiger and somehow feel connected to it, or is it simply because with its gorgeous fur, intricate stripes and mesmerising eyes, the tiger is an absolute King of Jungles and the entire animal world. Either way I feel very lucky and proud to be part of the Tiger’s kingdom.

Another interesting description of me in a horoscope is the one about my past life. It says that in another life I was a Bedouin. Perhaps that is why I enjoy travel and adventure, it probably explains also why I have moved house approximately every 3-4 years!

Go on Tigger!

At the Battle of Hastings, William had killed King Harold and most of the English leaders. However, there were still many who wanted to carry on fighting William.

King William had invaded England and won the crown, but it did not mean he was in control of England. William was forced to crush many rebellions.

William reacted very harshly to any resistance. This was shown in 1069-70 with the Harrying of the North. William destroyed large areas of land, turning it into wasteland. Many thousands of people died.

William faced much less resistance after the early 1070s. The harshness of the Harrying of the North was a clear warning for all!

After the Battle of Hastings in 1066, William 'the Conqueror' led his army to Romney.
Some of his troops had landed there by mistake and had been killed.The Normans burned the town and killed most of the people. News of this terrible revenge spread. When William moved on to Dover and began to do the same, Dover wasted now time and surrendered.

The people of Kent accepted William as King. The Church retained the extensive properties acquired before the conquest and the laws of gavelkind, peculiar to our county, were retained.

The lands of the lords who had opposed William at Hastings were confiscated. Strategic areas were given to William's loyal supporters. The Normans were now in control.

1) Who was the King of England at the beginning of 1066?
a.Harold Godwinson
b.Edward the Confessor
c.William the Conqueror

2) Why was there a problem when the King died?
a.It was unclear who would be King next
b.Nobody wanted to be King
c.The weather was terrible

3) Why was the year 1064 important to Duke William?
a.He was born that year
b.It was the year he became Duke of Normandy
c.Harold is supposed to have promised to support Duke William

4) Why might we doubt Harold Godwinson's claim?
a.He was lying
b.He didn't have an independent witnesses
c.He had no claim to the throne

5) In 1066, who invaded England first?
a.Harold Hardrada
b.Harold Godwinson
c.Duke William of Normandy

6) When was the Battle of Stamford Bridge?
a.Sunday 24th September 1066
b.Monday 25th September 1066
c.Tuesday 26th September 1066

7) The Vikings arrived in about 300 ships, how many did they leave in?
a. 65
b. 24
c. 40

8) How far did King Harold and his men march?
a.200 miles in 10 days
b.225 miles in 5 days
c.250 miles in 9 days

9) When was the Battle of Hastings?
a.8am to 4.30pm 14th October 1066
b.12noon to 4.15pm 14th October 1066
c. 9.30am to 5.30pm 14th October 1066

10) What was the main Saxon tactic at the Battle?
a.Defend using the shield wall
b.Attack the Normans viciously
c. Chase the Norman soldiers down the hill

11) How did Duke William win the Battle of Hastings?
a.Tricking the Saxons into breaking up their shield wall
b.Shouting louder than the Saxons
c.Attacking again and again, until the Saxons had enough

12) How was King Harold killed?
a.An arrow in the eye
b.He fell backwards off his horse
c.He was hurt by an arrow in the eye, and then killed by sword.

Give it your best shot!

Officially sanctioned brothels (or 'stews') exist in places such as Sandwich in Kent, Southwark across the Thames from the City of London and the aptly named Cock Lane at Smithfield in London.

In Southwark, prostitutes are referred to as 'Winchester geese' because the brothels are situated in the London see of the bishop of Winchester, who collects rents from them. The rules state that the stewholders must be men, that the women must stay with a client all night in order to avoid 'night-walking', and that they must not lodge at the brothel. Illegal stews also exist, often run by women.

In 1384, the Common Council of London states that any prostitute found guilty of living outside the designated area of Cock Lane will be taken from prison in a striped hood, carrying a white wand, and accompanied by minstrels to a pillory at Aldgate, where her offence will be publicly proclaimed. Then she will be escorted back through the city to Cock Lane.

Men found guilty of procuring a prostitute are given an unfortunate haircut, have their beards shaved off and are made to stand in a pillory until the mayor says they can go home.

I am pleased to say that I have never frequented such places, well not yet anyway!

'Fenkel in Soppes' or Braised Fennel with Ginger
Serves 6

The original version of this recipe comes from the "Forme of Cury," a
collection of 196 "receipts" copied by Richard II's scribes at his
cooks' directions.

750g (1 1/2 lb) trimmed, fresh fennel root; cleaned and cut in matchsticks
225g (8 oz) onions, thickly sliced
1 heaped teaspoon of ground ginger
1 level teapsoon of powdered saffron
1/2 teaspoon of salt
2 tablespoon olive oil
150mL (5 fl oz, 2/3 cup) each dry white wine and water
6 thick slices of coarse wholewheat or wholemeal bread (optional)

Put the fennel in a wide, lidded pan with the onions. Sprinkle over the
spices and salt, then the oil and finally pour over the liquids. Bring
to the boil, cover and simmer for 20-30 minutes or till the fennel is
cooked without being mushy.

Stir once or twice during the cooking to
make sure the spices get well distributed. Serve it alone with a roast
meat or griddled fish or place one slice of bread on each warmed
plate,
cover it with the fennel and pour over the juices.