Following on from my previous report on the destruction of a Gnome vice ring in Cranbrook Kent, we have received a series of shocking photographs of scantily clad, teenage girls shamelessly cavorting with gnomes in broad daylight
The photographs—all of which are too disturbing to publish in this country—were delivered to my office in a pizza carton by an extremely short, bearded man wearing a red hat with a thick, foreign accent.
Frankly, we at Gnome Alert are not surprised by this development in the ongoing Gnome crises. Despite my repeated pleas for vigilance and resolute action, our European neighbours have steadfastly refused to recognise the evils of international Gnomery. Some have even voiced their support for the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Papa Smirf Floyd'—who was arrested by police on Friday. What will surprise and shock every right-thinking Briton are these disturbing pictures of so-called 'gnome love.' Make no bones about it, if this continental vice is allowed to gain a foothold in this country, no teenage girl will be safe.
Foremost among the decadent reactionaries promoting this filthy practice are the Italian members of MALAG—the Movimento Autonomo per la Liberazione delle Anime da Giardino— a radical alliance of self-confessed 'gnome lovers' based in Italy. We have little doubt that the we cannot publish emanate from this or similar organisations in Europe.
MALAG—which loosely translates into English as the 'Independent movement for the Liberation of the Spirits of the Garden,' is a shadowy organisation, thought to have links to Italian Freemasonry and the sinister 'Gnomenati'—a secret society steeped in vice. It is misguided supporters of Gnomery like these who are actively encouraging the budding flowers of English womanhood to embrace 'the spirits of the garden.'
Our worst suspicions were confirmed on MALAG's Italian website, where we found several images of Snow White engaged in a variety of intimate acts with dozens of grinning gnomes. This dangerous organisation openly boasts of their love for the gnomes who saddled this innocent young waif with seven of their bastard offspring. What's more, they brazenly advise young girls to: 'run naked through the woods and fields to experience the delights of gnome love at first hand.' As these shocking images show, the girls who succumb to this vice soon become addicted to the fairy-tale 'magic' of 'gnome love'.
Once hooked, they quickly lose their natural inhibitions and will perform the vilest of acts with as many as five gnomes at a time. I asked an expert on aberrant teenage sexual behaviour, Professor Hans Grimm, from the University of Leipzig, what drives these teenagers to such depths of depravity.
The black eyes of the short, rotund academic widened as he leaned forward excitedly.
"It's ze call of ze primordial sexual instinct which is most active during ze years of early puberty in young girls."
"Not boys?" I asked
Professor Grimm stroked his snowy beard. "Nein. Ze male lacks ze imagination to roll naked in a pile of rotting leaves in ze middle of a fairy-tale vood vile fantasising about being taken roughly by a troupe of midgets in big, pointy, red hats. Ze characteristic red hat of ze common garden gnome—gnomus domesticus—is, of course, ze classic phallic symbol of fertility und quite irresistible to a romantic young woman in oestrus."
"How pointy?"
"Very...und long und stiff und shiny."
"Golly! And the fairies?"
"Vivid sexual hallucinations caused by the ingestion of amanita muscaria—ze so-called 'magic mushroom."
"Not Bacardi breezers and spliff, then?"
"Nein."
"Um...gosh, professor. You make it sound almost exciting..."
"Vell it is, if you're a fourteen-year-old girl viz no legitimate outlet for ze powerful urges surging through ze body at this difficult time of sexual frustration."
"So we were wrong to insist that all our gnomes wear big, pointy red hats—I mean, it's just inviting trouble, from what you say?"
The professor snorted derisively and fixed me with his penetrating gaze.
"You vill find that you have made a number of grave errors of judgement in his handling of zis Gnome crises. As have zose gnomes who discarded zair hats inzat silly protest . Without them zey have as much chance of scoring viz a hot young cutie as a balding, middle-aged political extremist on ze make."
"Astonishing, professor," I commented. "Thank you so much for talking to us."
"Ze pleasure voz all mine, young lady," oozed the smooth-talking academic as he kissed my hand gallantly. "Vud you like to take a short stroll in ze woods viz me later? Ze bluebells are quite enchanting at zis time of year."
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Run for cover!
