Nil Satis Nisi Optimum

We get to hear a lot about the three 'R's these days: Reading, (W)Riting and (A)Rithmetic, but very little about the three 'I's without which these skills are about as much use as a broken pencil. The three 'I's: Instinct, Intellect and Intuition, taken together make up what we call 'Intelligence'. Much more interesting than the three 'R's and we might even learn something that will help us to write better stories!

The first thing I'd like to chat about is Intellect. What is it? Where do we keep it? Where does it come from? Where does it go to in the end? Do we have any intellect at all? 'We do!' you'll probably answer, 'but she obviously doesn't, or she wouldn't ask such silly questions!'

OK, so let's consider the first question: What is it?

Personally I haven't the faintest idea what it looks like. It might be triangular, square, oblong, or even round — like a hollow circle! From time to time I've noticed that some people do possess some intellect sometimes, but this happens so rarely that I wonder whether intellect exists permanently or only manifests spontaneously under special circumstances of dire need?

I believe there are now even special tests that will tell you how much intelligence you possess (if any). I don't know about you, but I remain sceptical that an ability to fit different coloured blocks into different sized holes proves anything worthwhile. Whatever these tests prove it is not intelligence!

According to one dictionary I consulted, intelligence is defined as 'a readiness of comprehension; as in the intelligence of a dog'. Among its definitions the OED lists 'quickness of understanding, sagacity (of a person or animal)'. Hmm. Do dogs think? Some people get very shirty when it is said that animals think, forgetting that they themselves are only one step above monkeys. These are the people who will tell you that animals don't and cannot think, but merely respond instinctively to stimuli. Well, I don't know about you, but I have met plenty of higher animals at parties who respond pretty instinctively when they are asked: "What's your poison?"

I think the difference between Instinct, Intellect and Intuition is one of degree, not of kind. If thinking and acting upon thoughts means intelligence, then animals certainly have it. We all know stories of dogs running through the smoke of a burning home to warn their master. And we've all seen a cat stalk a mouse, planning its attack with the same meticulous thought as a general gives to his campaign strategy.

But does thinking alone make intelligence, or do we need speech, or at any rate, language too? It is said nobody can think without putting their thoughts into words. Silently talking to oneself; always a bad sign! Others say that we think in pictures, not words. I'm not so sure about this; it may be true, but only partially so. Naturally, thought and language are closely connected, as psychologists tell us, but isn't that also true of thoughts and actions without words? Or even action without many words, like the conversations many Americans have:
Jennifer: "Yeah?"
Brianna: "Yeah?" (thumps Jennifer).

Now was this an example of intelligence at work or merely instinct?

I often wonder how much difference there is between an animal hunting for food and an American waitresses seeking fame in Hollywood. Is a gold digger really that much more intelligent than a dumb animal? And who derives more intelligent pleasure, the dog gnawing his bone, or the waitress from her fame assuming she acquires any? We seem to be getting deeper into a maze of questions as we go on. Let's try again!

For the biologist an amoeba is just as admirable as a whale. If the whale is called the higher animal of the two we only mean that he's a more complex creature. For this reason we could assert that our waitress' intelligence is of a higher order than the dog I mentioned. So what we're talking about is a difference in degree, not in kind. One of my University professors defined intelligence as a 'capacity for learning', but I should say that the student who is able to learn a given lesson better, or more quickly than his fellows, does so on account of their better memory, not their superior intelligence.

We all know that the great neural centre in us is the brain. But we also know that the size of the brain does not make its possessor more intelligent than someone with a smaller brain. Nor do the number of convolutions in the cerebrum matter. Some scientists say that intelligence is the ability of an organism to adjust itself adequately to new situations, but doesn't this rather come under the heading of 'adaptability'?

It's also been said that our endocrine glands are responsible for everything we do or cannot do. Other scientists maintain that genes play a similar role in determining what degree of intelligence we possess, if any! For these reasons I don't think it's likely that science alone will ever succeed in defining intelligence, much less where it comes from!

It seems to me that the amount of intelligence a person has comes from a source which science has yet to discover. It is plainly not transmitted through the parents as a glance at our friends and relatives will quickly show! Can people become more intelligent as they grow older? Well, yes, I think they can, provided they learn from their experiences and are able to retain the memory of what they've learned.

If that's true, then might not intellect be a natural development of instinct and intuition a higher form of intellect? We all know that the greatest minds have made many of their discoveries intuitively; that is to say, without conscious thought. They may have worked out the details of their discoveries intellectually, but the original idea came to them in a sudden flash of inspiration. We all know what happened to Sir Isaac Newton when the apple fell on his head!

This may finally give us a clue as to what intelligence really is and where it comes from. Might it not be made up out of the accumulated experiences of our previous incarnations and preserved by means of our souls?

Although it is seldom possible for a child to give full expression to its thoughts, except in the case of those rare prodigies who enter life with special gifts and a body capable of demonstrating these talents in an exceptional manner from a very early age. I believe that each one of us has complete memory, complete intelligence and complete conscience from birth exactly as when we ended our previous incarnation.

Only we have to wait many years, adjusting ourselves to new conditions and new times before we can use these inherited qualities. According to the stage we reached during our previous evolution, as a younger or older soul, so we will have more or less intelligence; the sum total of all our previous experiences, to which we are free to add according to our willingness and capabilities.

So, have we answered our four questions, namely: What is intelligence? (accumulated experience through our previous incarnations); Where do we keep it? (It is retained in the soul's memories of its previous lives); Where does it come from? (It comes from the facts we learned in connection with the experiences we had in previous lives); Where does it go to in the end? (It is added to the memories already contained in the soul which become more complete with each new incarnation).

I leave you to use your intuition to think that over and hope you won't allow your intellect to insult your intelligence by instinctively rejecting all this as arrant nonsense!

Fertility clinics across the UK have warned that they may soon be forced to stop their sperm donation services if British men continue to have unrestricted access to online pornography.

The Westminster Assisted Neonatal Clinic (WANC), used to have between 1,750 and 1,900 registered sperm donors, but now only two members make irregular (and increasingly small) deposits. Staff at the clinic have blamed the free availability of American pornography on the Internet for the shortfall in donations, complaining that, as one anonymous nurse put it to The Happening Place Team: "British men just aren't coming as often as they used to."

This grim picture is being repeated all over the country as one fertility clinic after another closes its doors and packs away its test tubes. "Supplies have practically dried up," Dr Peregrine Cockburn—the director of Sperm Watch, the government's fertility advisory council—sobbed into a petri dish when we interviewed him at his clinic atop a Gay lap-dancing club in London's Wardour Street. "Only this morning we had to turn away two tearful lesbians because we didn't have sufficient stocks. Had it not been for the generosity of one of my quick-thinking staff who took matters into his own hands by making a personal donation during his lunch break, we would have had to turn away even more infertile women."

"Wasn't that a little unorthodox?" we asked.

"Under normal circumstances I wouldn't countenance a male filing clerk inseminating three desperate women doggie-fashion in the waiting room, but it got the job done," commented Dr Cockburn wryly.
Under the strict guidelines laid down by the NHS, British donors are only allowed to father ten children. Staff at WANC, which provides help for childless couples throughout southern England, are concerned that once the two remaining donors reach their ten-pregnancy limit, there will be no one to replace them. "I won't beat about the bush," Dr Cockburn told us, wringing his hands. "If we can't find anyone to fill their shoes, pretty soon we'll be reduced to advising young lesbians to have sex with men. Once we do that who knows where it may lead? Why, the very fabric of our decent, caring society could break down irretrievably. It simply doesn't bear thinking about."
"So, what's the alternative?" we asked him.

"We've suggested to the government that we start importing sperm from America."
"And what was their response?"
"Oh, they're banking on it as the solution to our sperm shortage, particularly as it won't cost them a penny."
"Why's that?"

"President Bush has assured the Prime Minister that American semen is a fair trade for the British spunk our brave lads have shown in their support of the US liberation of Iraq. In fact, I believe some wags in the Labour Party are unofficially calling it the 'Sperm for Spunk' programme."

Most Health Service managers have hailed the news as 'a real shot in the arm for the ailing British fertility programme'—or possibly a small prick between the thighs. Junior Health Minister, Lesley Dyke (32), took time out from inserting pictures of Mr Brown kissing smiling babies into election leaflets, to explain why. "It was clear to us that unless we got to grips with this sticky problem British women wouldn't have a leg to stand on and once that happened our entire fertility programme would simply fall over."

When we expressed surprise that the government had chosen to import sperm from America, the minister's pretty eyebrows shot up in stunned disbelief.

"Where have you been?" she gushed. "Sex is now practically illegal in most States—except between staunchly Republican, heterosexual couples over thirty who are members of a fundamentalist Christian sect. America is practically drowning in unwanted joy juice. I'm told there are practically millions of healthy young men over there who haven't a chance in hell of getting any and regularly dump gallons of the stuff onto their computer keyboards or into the dirty knickers of British schoolgirls."
"Dirty knickers?" we asked.
"Er, I'm told some British women, um er, sell their used panties on the Internet," replied the Minister, blushing furiously as she hastily crossed her slim legs.

Some gynaecologists have expressed grave concerns that importing American sperm may introduce undesirable genetic traits into the British gene pool, such as an addiction to Big Macs, reality TV shows, designer coffee and the inability to talk in complete sentences. Others fear that the tidal wave of religious fundamentalism and chastity surging across America could completely sweep away the traditional British values of teenage pregnancy, vandalism, binge drinking, mindless violence and unprotected anal sex.

One sceptical Health professional, whose possession of a framed photograph of Tony Blair being buggered senseless by George W Bush with a giant pretzel, bore eloquent testimony to his rabid anti-American sentiments, thundered: "If we're not jolly careful we could spawn a whole generation of teenage girls who have unprotected sex in bus shelters with droves of men in the mistaken belief that they can't get pregnant if they drink two cans of Red Bull beforehand and eat a microwaveable pizza afterwards."

His bigoted attitude has been echoed by thousands of worried British women, many of whom have resorted to placing advertisements in local newspapers and telephone boxes in their desperation to find a sperm donor. Stacey Gussett (47), was typical of the dozens of would-be mums we spoke to. "Look, I don't want my daughter piercing her belly button, wearing a baseball cap and talking in a squeaky, high-pitched voice, OK?"
Another woman, who has been waiting for a sperm donor for twenty-three years, asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals by her American neighbours. "I don't think the government have thought this through properly," said Karen Catchpole, of 47 Cockwell Gardens, Ealing. "I mean it's all very well bringing in sperm from America, but what British woman is going to risk it when there's a 50-50 chance the baby will grow up into a horrid, common slut like Angelina Jolie or Tara Reid?"
"Why only 50-50?" we asked.

"Well—Britney Spears is American, isn't she and look how she's turned out."

As we went to press the first consignments of American sperm were being delivered to a secret address in central London not a million miles away from 10 Downing Street, from where they will be shipped or possibly swim to fertility clinics across the country. We understand that Mr Browns wife is taking a keen, personal interest in the 'Sperm for Spunk' programme—possibly, as one disgruntled dyke put it to us: "because she is married to a runt who is no stranger to possibly taking a load of American jism up his bottom from a clueless, Texan arsehole just like his predesessor".

International music expert Craig Davids yesterday uncovered a sinister side to the lyrics used by Tony Blair in his 1997 election campaign. According to aides working at both Number 10 and the White House, Mr Brown and Mr Bush have performed the song "Things can only get better" by D:ream as a duet in front of their wives.

Mr Davids, speaking exclusively to The Happening Place Team, said, "Once in the possession of the knowledge of the true context of these lyrics, I can see what they really mean. It's really quite worrying." After sucking on his pipe, Mr Davids continued: "The lines that make the most sense to me are 'And I can't see the world's formed trees/You set them alight, burning the bridges as you go/I'm too weak to fight you' - they really sum up Mr Brown's attitude to Bush and his environmental policies."

The Happening Place Team has reproduced D:Ream's lyrics below for your viewing pleasure. They would have included the actual music, but they're even more likely to sue me for that.

D:Ream - Things can only get better
You can walk my path
You can wear my shoes
Let her talk like me
And be an angel too

But maybe
You ain't never gonna feel this way
You ain't never gonna know me
But I know you...
Teach you now that

Things can only get better
Can only get, can only get
They get on from here
You know, I know that
Things can only get better

I sometimes lose myself in me
I lose track of time
And I can't see the world's formed trees
You set them alight, burning the bridges as you go
I'm too weak to fight you
I got my personal health to deal with
And you say

Walk my path
Wear my shoes
Talk like me
I'll be an angel and

(CHORUS
Things can only get better
Can only get better
Now I've found you
(That means me)
(Will you teach me now)
Things can only get better
Can only get better
Now I've found you

And you and you...
You... show me prejudice and greed
You show me how
I must learn to deal with this disease
I look at things now
In a different light than I did before
I found the cause
And I think that you could be my cure
And you say

Walk your path
Wear your shoes
Talk like that
I'll be an angel too

(chorus)

Things can only get, can only get
Things can only get, can only get
Things can only get, can only get
Things can only get, can only get

(chorus)

There was disturbing news for opinion pollsters today as the results of a new survey were published.

The research, conducted by market research agency MORI-OR-LESSI, found that only 23% of people questioned would participate in surveys. This is a huge reduction from last year's result of 43%.

Meanwhile, in a similar poll conducted online, researchers found that a surprising 89% of respondents would willingly vote online. Of the remaining 11%, 6% said they would never participate in an online poll, and 5% were undecided.

The news comes at a particularly irrelevant time when MPs are still deciding on holiday destinations and the party conference season has yet to begin. According to expert analyst Doug Ramurbottom, this means that the research will have no real effect on the world and is only being reported because nothing more interesting has happened. "In fact," he told us, "the researchers were probably just wasting their time."

My God, the government today announced a package of new measures designed to make the country more environmentally friendly. Ministers were keen to show off their green roots, which they had done especially last night.

However, the measures, which include targets for cutting car use and pollution, were denounced by experts as being "completely useless" and "pointless as usual". Douglas Up.urbottom, a campaigner for Greenpeace, the RSPCA and Alcoholics Anonymous, said in a statement, "The government has no idea how to cut greenhouse gas emissions or how to reduce fossil fuel consumption. The nearest any of them have come to a wind farm is John Prescott and that was fuelled by eating binges and throwing up!"

Despite this criticism, officials are keen to get the ball rolling. None of the measures, though, are likely to appeal to motorists, who will face yet more restrictions. One of the first to be implemented will be the banning of the building of new petrol stations, followed by restrictions on the activities of breakdown services, and then mandatory bus lanes on all roads with more than one lane - even ones with no buses. Motorists' organisations the RAC and the AA declined to comment, on the grounds of utter shock and disbelief.

A rather dizzy Kevin T Mullet MP, speaking after riding his day-hire bicycle into the back of a bus near Westminster, told us, "We are determined to make this country more anti-motorist to piss off the American tourists even more." He added, after being prodded in the back by an aide, "Err more environmentally friendly, I mean. We're not anti-motorist. Really!"

When asked what he was going to do to cut greenhouse gas emissions, Mr Mullet ran away from our reporter spluttering, complaining that he needed to get away from the traffic fumes.

Critically acclaimed news satire Blog “The Happening Place” today "categorically denied" rumours that it is to merge with NASA. "It has been widely reported in the tabloid press that NASA have requested a merger with our Blog," said spokesman Kevin T Mullet at a press conference in the Democratic Republic of Congo today. "But, because of our support and admiration for Ann Widdecombe and the BBAWC NASA felt unable to formalise any links between us."

"However," Mr Mullet continued hurriedly after being threatened with a spear, "I can confirm that negotiations have taken place between us and the Democratic Republic of Congo. No further information is available at this time."

Mr Mullet's revelation prompted widespread speculation that the famed news satire Blog will soon begin diplomatic relations with Congo for the first time. As one resident put it, "either that or buy a load of bananas." Congo is seen as a key part of The Happening Place’s strategy to become a world player and, eventually, "make some money".

Marketing analyst Kirk Douglas Ramsbottom Snr, of Internet marketing specialists Ramsbottom and Otheroles, told us that the strategy makes sense. "Having had a quick glance at their Blog, it seems to me that they are predominantly occupied with British news satire. It is obvious, then, that they should try to appeal to an audience in Congo." Negotiations are expected to conclude later this week.

No10 Downing Street aides have today privately confirmed to The Happening Place Team that Mr Brown Prime Minister un-elected intends to hold a referendum on the most pressing issue facing modern Britain.

Douglas Ramurbottom, speaking on strict condition of anonymity, told our reporter: "It's been all over the Daily Mail now again, so we can't possibly ignore it any more. With a matter of such importance, we've decided that the British public must be consulted, and so Mr Brown has decided to go to the polls and announce a referendum on whether David Beckham really had been doing some European integration on the sly."

Leaders of the main political parties have reacted warmly to the hints that a referendum may take place. A spokesman for the Liberal Democrat Party, who was unable to speak directly to our reporters due to a mysterious bout of anaemia and twin puncture wounds to the neck, said that the Liberal Democrats "welcomed" the proposal, adding that they "would request an extra penny in the pound on Max Clifford's income, to pay for a better education for Sun journalists, enabling them to cope with words of more than two syllables".

David Cameron, speaking from the new Conservative HQ in his Westminster Penthouse, said, "Obviously we have been calling for his referendum since we suspected there might be some votes in it, and at last the Prime Minister has given in to our demands. The Conservative Party is opposed to anything cooked up by those Frenchies, as the garlic gives me awful trouble. I must go and have a good lie down now though, as I think there was rather too much Brandy in my last pudding".

The media has reacted to the news with its customary restraint and unbiased reporting. The Daily Mail led with "Tell that trollop where to get off our Beck’s: how foreign affairs can drive your house price down", the Sun reads "Sleazy Senorita wants her box ticked", and the Beano has run with the story "European constitution may be ready in June (if Gnasher would just let go of Belusconi's leg)".

Last night David Beckham's solicitor issued a statement on behalf of the star, reading simply "**** off".

The Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) made its first arrest this morning, after identifying Ex Prime Minister Tony Blair as the 'Mr Big' responsible for running an alleged 'cash for honours' racket.

SOCA, dubbed Britain's FBI, brings together more than 4,000 police and customs and immigration experts with a remit to target organised crime such as money laundering, ID fraud and corruption.

Home Secretary Tony McNulty said: "This is £400 million well spent. SOCA offers us the chance of an initiative to ignore the 'Mr Smalls' and all of the graffiti, thugs, yobs, vandals, anti-social behaviour, burglaries, druggies, drunks etc. that affect people's everyday lives. Our surveys show that people are fed up with hearing of all these little stories on the news and would much prefer big stories involving real baddies!"

SOCA, one of whose responsibilities will be to harass individuals who try to demonstrate outside Parliament, has already interviewed a number of people suspected of receiving 'honours for cash', including: Sir Hugo Drax, Lord Francisco Scaramanga, Lord Goldfinger, Lord Sir Lady Marchioness Bush, and Ernst Stavro Blofeld MBE. A number of British companies are also thought to be under investigation, including SMERSH Political Lobbying Ltd and SPECTRE Double Glazing.

DC Dibble Mullet of SOCA said: "We've had our eye on 'Mr B' ever since SOCA was formed on Saturday, and decided to make our move this morning. We have so far collected 55 bags of cash, two bags of 'gongs' and a number of registered envelopes bearing names and addresses from all around the UK. Underneath 10 Downing Street we also found a huge underground cave with: a submarine, a Space Shuttle, a 50 Giga-Watt laser, and several AA maps of Iran."

On hearing news of Mr Blair's arrest, Conservative leader David Cameron said: "Crikey, is there a back door out of here?"

Would you believe it? The Canadian government has given the go-ahead for a mass seal cull, despite the protestations of environmentalists, animal rights groups and Paris Hilton. Sealers armed with clubs and shotguns will confront the animals on their own turf. Casualty figures are expected to be high, especially amongst the seals.

Guidelines stipulate that most seals should be shot rather than clubbed to death, but experts say that the animals are unlikely to favour either method of extermination. According to Professor Douglas von Ramsbottom, a seal expert from landlocked Austria, many would rather not be killed at all.

John Efford, the Canadian natural resources minister, argued that this was ludicrous, saying that the seals were almost definitely in favour of a cull. He explained that since the animals did not have the intelligence to start wars in order to control the population, they needed outside help from a superior species. If people did not go in and stabilise the numbers, the seals would eventually run out of room in the small country of Canada.

Many US celebrities have taken to wearing T-shirts proclaiming their opposition to the cull. Society girl and intellectual Paris Hilton has even threatened to stay out of the limelight if the cull goes ahead. She told The HappeningPlace Team: "I'd give every seal a gun if it was possible. I'd like to see the animals defend themselves. But it just wouldn't work. I don't think a seal would be happy to shoot a human, unless it was defending its kittens that is!"

*Why not keep up to date with all the latest hip news? Join the “HappeningPlace” Community!

The government in Iran yesterday announced that it has "apprehended and incarcerated" Dumbledore, the Hogwarts School headmaster, because "his sexuality is contrary to shari'a law", according to a government press release. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken the position that "there are no homosexuals in Iran", a country of some 70 million people.

Efforts by humanitarian groups to contact Dumbledore have thus far proven unsuccessful. He is rumoured to be imprisoned in Tehran's notorious Evin prison, a gruesome instrument of repression that Iran's Islamist leaders inherited enthusiastically from the hated and deposed Shah. "Hey, the Americans torture, why can't we?" said an official with the prison in a press conference before he was hustled away by big, dangerous looking men with guns.

Dumbledore's sexuality has been the subject of speculation for many years. "He never mentioned a girlfriend," noted a childhood acquaintance who declined to be identified. "And those capes and hats he always wore," the friend added. "It was all a little too Liberace for me, don't you know." The friend added "Dumbledore was always playing Celine Dion CDs whenever I visited. Of course, I didn't think anything of it at the time."

International reaction to Iran's move has been mixed. "I'm encouraged that Iran's policies regarding Dumbledore's disgusting and deviant conduct seem to parallel our own," said Condoleezza Rice, the United States Secretary of State, at a press conference. "But we're still going to bomb the hell out of those bastards, of course," she added hastily.

A spokesman for Gordon Brown, when reached for comment by the Happening Place Team, stated that the prime minister "was avidly consulting the very latest polling data and would shortly have a cogent and exceedingly popular response that enhances his electability". The spokesman added "by the way, the prime minister most certainly would have won that election he never called; he simply didn't want to burden the treasury". Several commentators dubbed the latter observation "at best a non sequitur".

James Whale, in his quixotic bid to become the mayor of London, stated that "as far as Dumbledore is concerned" he opposed the position of the European Union on the issue, "whatever that position might be". Happening Place Team confirmed that the EU had taken no position on the Dumbledore controversy as of press time.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez condemned Iran's action, "but only because that asshole Bush seems to support it," Chavez noted in his weekly radio broadcast. "I condone swish behaviour only to the extent that it pisses off that bloody git," he added.

Gay activists reacted with unremitting hostility to the Iranian action. "Dumbledore was a Nancy made good, and the power structure simply can't handle that," noted Sir Elton John. "I hope Dick Cheney bombs Iran back to the Stone Age, if they're not already there," the renowned musician added.

Repeated calls by the Happening Place Team to Harry Potter went unanswered. However, a source close to the accomplished wizard stated that Potter was "highly concerned about recent developments in South Asia". The source indicated that unless Potter could reach an "expeditious resolution to the unfortunate misunderstanding concerning Dumbledore" with Iranian president Ahmadinejad, Potter would go "all Voldemort on his ass".

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This morning according to a radio report, a senior school in Kent was faced with a bit of a problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the Head Teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the Caretaker. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the Caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the Caretaker to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror! :p