My God, the government today announced a package of new measures designed to make the country more environmentally friendly. Ministers were keen to show off their green roots, which they had done especially last night.
However, the measures, which include targets for cutting car use and pollution, were denounced by experts as being "completely useless" and "pointless as usual". Douglas Up.urbottom, a campaigner for Greenpeace, the RSPCA and Alcoholics Anonymous, said in a statement, "The government has no idea how to cut greenhouse gas emissions or how to reduce fossil fuel consumption. The nearest any of them have come to a wind farm is John Prescott and that was fuelled by eating binges and throwing up!"
Despite this criticism, officials are keen to get the ball rolling. None of the measures, though, are likely to appeal to motorists, who will face yet more restrictions. One of the first to be implemented will be the banning of the building of new petrol stations, followed by restrictions on the activities of breakdown services, and then mandatory bus lanes on all roads with more than one lane - even ones with no buses. Motorists' organisations the RAC and the AA declined to comment, on the grounds of utter shock and disbelief.
A rather dizzy Kevin T Mullet MP, speaking after riding his day-hire bicycle into the back of a bus near Westminster, told us, "We are determined to make this country more anti-motorist to piss off the American tourists even more." He added, after being prodded in the back by an aide, "Err more environmentally friendly, I mean. We're not anti-motorist. Really!"
When asked what he was going to do to cut greenhouse gas emissions, Mr Mullet ran away from our reporter spluttering, complaining that he needed to get away from the traffic fumes.
