Nil Satis Nisi Optimum

The BBC, British Board of Classification has banned the complete works of William Shakespeare, following a manic family killing spree by a teenager who had witnessed several of the Bard's plays.

Schoolboy Douglas Agincourt, 16, was said to be "obsessed" with the works of the playwright, which include scenes of sex, mutilation and murder, including patricide, stabbings and poisoning.

Agincourt, said by friends to be a loner, reportedly killed fourteen people only hours after watching King Lear, followed by an abridged version of Hamlet. Agincourt plotted to kill his stepfather, stabbed a man through a curtain, tied an uncle to a chair and gouged his eyes out, before poisoning a vat of wine that was served at a family party. Nearly everyone, including Agincourt, died.

One of the few surviving members of the family, Horatio, 24, told The Happening Place, "He would spend hours watching and reading these incredibly violent plays. We tried to encourage him to do the things normal kids do, like play Grand Theft Auto2 or even Manhunt 2, but he was more interested in this violent filth. I'm glad they've seen common sense and are banning the lot before anyone else gets hurt."

A government spokesman said that Shakespeare would be replaced on the school syllabus by Harry Potter and, for younger children, the films of Quentin Tarantino.

Dear Management,

You will soon be receiving a writ as my client has filed for unemployment benefits as well as disability compensation. Disloyalty and disregard for ones' employer are not legal grounds for dismissal.
Unemployment benefits are therefore warranted, as Mr. P. Nis is incapable of extended periods of unemployment. The disability compensation is due to the skin condition and irritating discharge he contracted while in your employ, which will severely restrict his opportunities for future employment.

We are not surprised at your increasing dependence on robotics. We have it on good authority that you often outsourced Mr P Nis' duties to third world countries and non-union contractors, undoubtedly giving you unsatisfactory results, just as you will certainly experience with your mechanical substitutes, which are all made in China.

Mr P Nis recalls that during a brief labour strike your facility was quickly overrun with scabs. Rest assured that my client would never list you as a reference, and will adamantly deny ever having been in your employ. Working in the vicinity of that unkempt, odoriferous storage area you call your back door would not look good on Mr P. Nis' employment record!

Yours sincerely,
Mike Hunt

Sherlock was seated in his usual place by the fire enveloped by a cloud of malodorous smoke, turning the pages of The London Recorder in a desultory fashion.

"So, Watson", said he suddenly, "you do not propose to purchase a first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure' after all?"
I gave a start of astonishment. Accustomed as I was to Holmes' curious faculties this sudden intrusion into my most intimate thoughts was both inexplicable and embarrassing.

"How the devil do you know that?" I asked.
He wheeled round to face me, a gleam of mischievous amusement in his deep-set eyes. "Now, Watson, confess you are utterly amazed," said he.
"I am gob-smacked, Holmes!"
"I ought to make you sign a paper to that effect."
"Why?"
"Because in two minutes you will say it is all so absurdly simple that even a tame rabbit could construe it."
"I am sure I will say nothing of the kind."

"You see, my dear Watson," he began with the air of a wizard addressing a class of particularly dim-witted chavs, "It is really not very difficult to construct a series of inferences each dependent upon another, yet each entire in itself, if after doing so, one simply knocks out all the central inferences, and presents the audience with the conclusion to produce the startling effect I have just demonstrated.

Now, it was really not difficult, by an inspection of the mushroom stains upon the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, to feel sure that you did NOT propose to purchase a first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure."
"I see no connection."
"Very likely not; but I can show it. Here are the missing links of this very simple chain: 1. You have mushroom stains upon your left thumb and forefinger. 2. You only get these when you have been mushrooming. 3. You never go mushrooming except with Rupert Rogerbottom. 4. Rupert is a notorious old pornographer. 5. You told me three weeks ago that Rupert had bought a sack load of new porn and that it included a mint first edition of 'Spanking for Pleasure' which he had offered to you on condition that you made a firm offer for it within three weeks. 6. Your purse is locked in my bureau drawer and you have not asked for the key. 7. You do not propose to buy this piece of titillating trash."

"Well, spank my bottom! How absurdly simple!" I cried.

"Quite so!" said Holmes, not a little nettled. "Every problem becomes very simple when it is explained to you."

Run for your lives! and hide! In an attempt to quash any potential satanic uprising Mr Brown Prime Minister unelectable, has ordered that all babies born on the 6th June 2006 to be taken into custody for questioning.

"There is a clear and present danger to the security of this country, just as there was with Saddam," said the PM, "and as such we must take pre-emptive action by bringing these potentially evil infants in for interrogation."

The firsts arrest occurred shortly after 6.06 am this morning, when little Tommy Stevens was arrested at the Whittington Nursery under Anti-Anti-Christ Legislation and taken to Paddington Green police station in west London.

"I can confirm that earlier today a 23 month old Islington child was apprehended by a team of around 250 officers, most of them heavily armed and spoiling for a fight, at a north London nursery school," said a Met spokesman. "After a brief scuffle with the mother who we may or may not have shot during the incident, the infant was taken away to a secure location to be questioned and have its nappy changed."

The ex Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell was expected to condemn the hospital raids but unfortunately his staff couldn't wake him up.

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that as of this morning, your client's employment with our company has been terminated on the grounds of disloyalty, gross negligence, burglary, and utter disregard for his employer, worsened by the aspersions he has cast upon the good character of Ms Clit Toris and the disrespectful tone of your entire correspondence.

We usually take this opportunity to wish those who were once a valuable part of the company a profitable and happy future, but since Mr P Nis never was and we don’t, we would like to tender our very sincere condolences to his future employers.

Your useless client will be replaced by the employee you so inelegantly referred to as a 'robotic substitute' although he prefers the term ‘battery operated attendant.’ It is our firm belief that he will get the job done for the time being at least until we find a new employee, preferably one who is better equipped to satisfy the company's needs than your client.

Yours sincerely,

The Management
From M.Balls
Senior Partner, Scrotum, Hunt and Scrotum.

Well, after at least fifteen billion years in the job, God is finally stepping down, it was announced today.

Speaking from a tower above the Pearly Gates, St Peter told a stunned universe that God now felt he was too old to be the Supreme Being, and would be making way for a younger man.

Departing from his prepared statement, the 2030-year-old Apostle dwelt on some of the pressures that lay behind God's decision. "Life as the Almighty hasn't been a bundle of laughs," said the former fisherman. "Juggling the need to monitor everyone's behaviour on a twenty-four hour basis with his responsibilities as a single parent has meant that God has had very little sleep over the last few aeons. Now He feels it's time for a change."

St Peter went on to praise God's record as King of Heaven, while dismissing recent criticisms that His much-vaunted Omniscience was showing signs of breaking down.

"There are things we might wish He'd done differently," he conceded. "He could have wiped out Madonna before she got a recording contract. He could have made the Americans French, so they'd dress acceptably well and shrug their shoulders in quite an attractive way. But it's easy to be wise after the event. The fact is that since the Big Bang the universe has enjoyed a period of unrivalled expansion, due in no small measure to God's unique capacity for blue-skies thinking and vertical crisis management. Look at His track record. He had the heating working by the Fourth Day, and the lights came on soon after. Compare that with to day’s government or even Virgin Trains."

God is staying on as caretaker until a successor is chosen, and the process of finding the new man is expected to begin in earnest tomorrow. Jesus is hotly tipped to succeed, though Heaven-watchers caution against seeing his election as a done deal. Whispers of nepotism are already being heard in the celestial antechambers, and his closeness to George Bush and Tony Blair is likely to count against him with the rank and file. Doubts on that score have persuaded some pundits to tip the Holy Ghost, who, along with God and Jesus, is one of the core group of three known as the Holy Trinity. He wasn't available for comment, on account of being invisible, but was believed to be hovering somewhere near the reporters' enclosure.

Blessed Michael the Archangel - known as "Two Harps" - will not be standing. He sees himself as part of the old guard, and believes the old "God's rottweiler" tag is one he'll never shake off. These days the overweight bruiser is philosophical about his image, as he revealed when he strolled out of Paradise this afternoon to tell reporters to stop hounding him. "Frankly, it's been an annoyment and an imposition to me and my wife, and would be even if I hadn't told you about it before, so I don't know why you're asking me the question... Can we do that again?"

Earlier, when St Peter was quizzed about God's own plans for the future, he stressed that God intends to have an active retirement. "He'd like to manage Shrewsbury Town when the job falls vacant at the end of the season," said the Keeper of the Keys. "He knows quite a lot about football, having watched every FA Cup Final since the first in 1871. The Shrews are well known as the crappest team in the English League, and the fans are often heard saying, 'God help us in the play-offs'. And God listens, you know. He feels that with the right sponsorship deal and nicer shorts they could start the long haul towards the Premiership."

This news was not well received by the acceptably dressed Arsene Wenger. "If Goad is allowed to manage a food-ball tim, it could be ze end of ze Beaudiful Game," he declared, shrugging in quite an attractive way. "'Owever, even wan of 'eez miracles could not 'elp Shrewzbury."

The new God will be elected by a Convocation of Angels sometime next week. A column of white smoke will be the signal that they're thinking about it while sucking on a very large spliff.

Dear Management,

We find your demands ludicrous. You keep complaining about longevity and yet refuse to offer my client overtime or even alternate work hours. Don't complain about how long Mr P Nis works when you won't provide the proper rate for the job. Your request for candlelight violates your own safe working practices, as open flames are a health hazard, especially around the narrow and dirty rear entrance to your facility.

Since management provides no urinal and sitting down on the job is forbidden by your own regulations we insist the toilet lid remain up. In the spirit of compromise, you should begin to appreciate wet, yellow toilet seats.

We seriously doubt the existence of the person you call 'Ms Clit Toris'. Our client has repeatedly assured us that despite the most diligent and exhaustive search he has not been able to lay his hands on her. Unless she is the hooded dwarf his co-workers claim to have encountered when polishing up your door knocker. Frankly, if you expect Mr P Nis to work with this person, you should have chosen someone who doesn't spend all their time crouched in the basement, trembling like a frightened midget.
We find your reference to robotic substitute workers asinine. Hiring mechanised workers violates my client's contract, even if they are able to work longer hours at greater depths without tiring.

Your assertion that Mr P Nis caused an epidemic within your facility is ludicrous. Whatever infections arose are the sole responsibility of management. Mr Nis did not, as alleged, draw unemployment benefit during the time your facility was closed. He moonlighted at a fudge packing plant until your crisis was over. Thank you for that tip by the way.
Since we have provided full rebuttals to all your previous arguments, I will not repeat them. Of course management must pay for all protective equipment because management requires it. It should be noted that during Mr P Nis' moonlighting to several firms, as well as several that were not so firm, you have insisted on protective equipment, despite the fact that he was in no position to make any deliveries to either of your entrances at these times.

Your insistence that my client should work your normal business hours is patently absurd given that your facility is closed for several days every month. When Mr P Nis has attempted to make deliveries during these periods he has been summarily rebuffed. On the one occasion he did manage to make a forcible entry, he emerged covered from head to bag in a disgusting substance it took him several days to wash off. If you are not open for business 24/7, Mr P Nis has no other choice but to moonlight in order to provide for his loving wife and family.
We therefore still demand the rise, and not of toilet seats. We're already covered the toilet seat issue and don't intend to revisit it.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Hunt

Why is it we choose from just 3 plausible candidates for our Prime Minister and fifty for Miss United Kingdom?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Can you cry under water?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Does the Alphabet song (A,b,c,d...) and Twinkle Twinkle little star have the same tune? and ....Lastly,

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Oh and remember that If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Dear Sirs,

We were most disappointed to learn that your client, Mr P Nis, rather than humbly accepting our offer, has threatened to take legal action if his demands are not met.
Your letter claims that Mr Nis could work an entire eight hour shift if requested to so, but that such a request has never been made. Management disagrees on both counts. What your client defines as work is actually only a very small part of his job. As his job description clearly states, Mr. P Nis’ job is to make deposits, both his and the company’s, in a timely and satisfactory manner. Doing so requires such deposits to be fully packaged and prepared for delivery, a process* that may take several hours and involves meticulous attention to detail. Rarely does Mr Nis fail to deposit his own load but it’s the company’s load that is frequently overlooked.

*Note. This step in the process absolutely cannot be skipped and is commonly overlooked, particularly by workers with large packages. You client would do well to take a tip from some of his co-workers whose packages are smaller than average. Sometimes working by candlelight assists in these matters, as well as making thoughtful gestures around the shop, such as lowering the toilet seat or offering to prune the shrubbery around the main entrance. Acts such as these can help create a more pleasant working environment and improve communication, resulting in greater productivity and customer satisfaction.

Any freelance work that your client may or may not undertake is in strict conflict with his contract with our company. The admission of any sort of moonlighting would result in Mr P Nis' immediate dismissal on the grounds of disloyalty. Please instruct your client that if he wishes to change companies, he is more than free to do so, but only after he has worked out his two week period of notice. Your client's commendable eagerness to bend over backwards for management suggests that he might find a better outlet for his skills in a fudge packing company.

You might also advise Mr P Nis that thinking is not a prerequisite for his job. In fact, if he was paid to think he would be part of the management team. Instead, your client has gone out of his way to completely ignore the one person who is in a position to gauge his real performance-Ms Clit Toris. Ms Toris is a vital part of this organisation whose avoidance by your client has seriously compromised the company's productivity. Mr Nis may claim that he can never find Ms Toris, but rest assured, she is well aware of him and his neglect of her feelings has not gone unnoticed.

If Mr Nis were paid to think, he would know that his experience and advanced age only diminish his value as a worker. A younger, more upstanding employee with less experience, who is able to handle Ms Clit Toris could do double the work in half the time. Mr Nis needs to be reminded that he is not irreplaceable. In fact, management have had to employ a substitute to complete several jobs he was unable to finish in less time, at a much lower cost—the mere price of two AA batteries. For what this ‘fill in’ lacks in personality, he more than makes up for in reliability. Nor does he require medical assistance to rise to the challenges presented to him, never goes on holiday and leaves no mess behind him-or in front.

Your client’s allegations of substandard working conditions are completely unfounded. The foul discharges you speak of only occurred when Mr P Nis mistakenly tried to deposit his load in the back door instead of the front. To add insult to injury, he then proceeded to the front door anyway, thereby contaminating the environment with a contagious infection which shut down the entire facility for several weeks, during which time your client selfishly collected unemployment benefit whilst the company’s stock plummeted.

Consequently, management are not willing to meet any of your demands at this time. Our position in regard to your client's complaints is as follows:

1) Management is required by contract to only cover half the cost of protective equipment. Any further costs fall on the head of the employee.2) The company is not open all hours. We close our doors at regular business hours and not a minute later. (Rare exceptions are when your client offers chocolate or flowers).
3) We will clean up the mess your client complains of when he starts putting the lid down on the company toilet.
4) A raise at this juncture would be, like your client; premature and ineffective.

Yours sincerely,

The Management
From Mike Hunt.
Senior Partner, Scrotum, Hunt and Scrotum.

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow travelling through,' said the farmer. 'Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

Dear Management,

As the legal representative for Mr. P. Nis I am appalled at your unacceptable response. Mr. P Nis has an exemplary record of discharging the duties assigned to him. Far from being the idle clock watcher you infer, he is extraordinarily flexible in delivering his loads on time and often before they are even requested.

He has, in fact, never been asked to work an entire eight hours, but would gladly do so if the task was worthy of such effort. Unfortunately, my client reports this is unlikely under the present management. Mr P Nis is not alone in working in short, intense bursts and then hanging around the workplace. Hanging around is not the same as falling asleep on the job. On those very rare occasions when he has been asked to repeat a job at short notice, P Nis has never failed to rise to the challenge.

The charge that he is using performance-enhancing drugs at work will be addressed in a more direct manner later, but I can assure you that the medication he is under, usually Vitamin V, has in fact been prescribed by his physician to clear up the unfortunate rash on his head.
Your failure to recognise the value of visiting other locations whilst at work is most regrettable and clearly demonstrates you have no understanding of the part research plays in the discharge of Mr P Nis' duties. While Mr P Nis may occasionally stray onto the premises of your competition, he does so only to learn how others perform their tasks in order to improve his own skills.

Mr P Nis vividly recalls the recent back door incident, but maintains that he only attempted to make a rear delivery because a large load was blocking your front door at the time. He has asked me to inform you that your rear entrance was not only excessively narrow, but will require copious lubrication to permit the passage of the very wide loads he is accustomed to handle. Fortunately for you, the overall cleanliness and aesthetics of your back door are not conducive to frequent deliveries of such size.

Not always following orders is known as initiative, which is quite important in this occupational field. My impression of Mr P Nis is that he often takes control of the entire unit, acting in ways well beyond the imagination of management. Granted, he sometimes exercises this control against management's wishes, but it is the very unpredictability you rail against that is Mr P Nis' greatest asset.

My client is experienced enough to know when a job is finished. He also knows when management is being unreasonable. He knows this from previous employment and from his occasional visits to other, similar facilities. I contend that he is acting responsibly by withdrawing his labour if the job is taking too long as the tools he employs can easily wear out if they are exposed to the hazardous conditions of the shop floor for too long.

Please do not complain about the mess. It is in my client's job description to deposit materials in the receptacles designated by management. After deposition, the material becomes the responsibility of the receiving unit. It is hardly his fault if all the available receptacles are full, leaving him no alternative but to dump his load wherever he can find room.

Your accusation that my client is not complying with health and safety regulations by wearing protective clothing simply doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Mr P Nis was forced to remove his plastic safety boots because management has consistently failed to address his complaints about the difficulty in remaining in his work place due to the slippery condition of the floor.

Your derisory offer of a few pats on the head in lieu of granting Mr P Nis a rise is as insulting as it is regrettable. Given his outstanding performance record one would think copious kisses would be in order. Instead, we are seriously considering legal action. Working conditions in your facility have become appalling, even unsanitary, and the aesthetics are not conducive to successfully discharging my client's onerous duties. He reports that recently there are foul discharges from both doors, and that he has developed an irritating discharge himself. What's more, the unfortunate rash on his head has also inexplicably worsened.

Our demands, therefore, are as follows:

1) Management to pay for my client's performance enhancing medication.
2) Management to provide full employment opportunities at all times.
3) Management to clean its facilities, improve the aesthetics and cut back the shrubbery that is impeding my client's entry into your premises, particularly in the vicinity of the back door.
4) Management to grant the rise as requested.

Yours sincerely,

*The Happening Place... Latest update http://thehappeningplace.blog.co.uk/

Dear Mr P Nis,

After careful assessment of your request and consideration of the rather limp arguments you have used to justify your case, management regrets to inform you that your request for a rise has been rejected. We feel that although some of your arguments are valid, extenuating circumstances hinder management from giving you any more rises than you routinely receive, for the following reasons:

You rarely, if ever work a complete eight hour shift, and when you do you’re either under the influence of drugs or demanding to work during non business hours—such as the middle of the night after you wake up to go to the bathroom. You fall asleep after the briefest of work periods and have been observed nodding off on numerous occasions before the end of your shift, thereby forcing management to complete the task in hand. Furthermore, you do not always follow orders.

You refuse to remain in your designated work area and are often seen loitering around dark, dank places of ill repute. Just two nights ago you were seen attempting to gain unlawful entry to the company’s back door in the hopes of doing God only knows what, despite the fact that you have been told time and time again that the rear entrance is only used for putting out the trash. Underhand attempts such as these to drop your load in restricted areas are futile and waste valuable company time you should be spending elsewhere.

You do not take the initiative. You need to be constantly pressured and stimulated in order to begin work. When you do eventually finish a job—on those rare occasions you do not bugger off early before management is completely satisfied—you have the unpleasant habit of leaving your workplace rather messy, forcing us to either suffer an unclean environment or clean it up ourselves. Once you leave for the day, we don’t see you again until the next morning, usually before the office has even opened. This commendable ambition is appreciated and many in the company consider you a real go getter when the mood takes you, but unfortunately your spunk is often misdirected or fails to attain its goal at all.

You don’t always observe safe working practices, such as wearing protective clothing, as required by company regulations. Ignoring such rules leaves management wide open to a range of hazardous conditions, including many that could result in unpleasant discharges of toxic waste into the environment or even halt production altogether.

Your unpredictable temperament, coupled with your regrettable reliance on performance enhancing drugs means that your output is hopelessly unreliable at best and completely fails to meet management targets at worst. If that were not enough, many in management have long suspected you of terroristical activities, as you are constantly seen entering the premises carrying two suspicious looking bags.

However, management is prepared to overlook these shortcomings and demonstrate our appreciation of your employment. In short, Mr P Nis, we are willing to supply you with a few additional strokes of encouragement in lieu of a rise. We firmly believe that such positive reinforcement will lead to better and long lasting performance with no need for further encouragement.

Yours sincerely,

The Management
From Mike Hunt.
Senior Partner, Scrotum, Hunt and Scrotum.

Dear Management,
I, Mr P Nis, hereby request a rise in salary for the following reasons: I do exhausting, hands-on physical labour. I work at great depths and plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or holidays off. I work in a damp, ill-lit environment with poor ventilation at very high temperatures. My work constantly exposes me to possible contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,

P. Nis esq.,

Cycles Control Sexual Attraction

A study conducted by London University Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man varies according to where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Sign in here!

http://thehappeningplace.blog.co.uk/

A mannequin, who has not been identified until her relatives can be notified, was discovered half undressed, face down, on the floor of the Hardware department, on the sixth floor. The enterprise of her attacker was not lost on Mr Mason, who told The Happening Place Team "As the elevators were switched off for maintenance over the weekend, the rapist must have dragged her up twelve flights of stairs from the Lingerie department on the Ground Floor. Frankly, I'm surprised he had the energy to mount her, much less modify her."

"Modify her?" we asked.

"Er...he'd drilled a large hole between her legs with an electric drill."
'Cassandra,' as she is known to her many admirers in the store, is the fifth victim in the rapist’s four-week sex spree. The only evidence left at the scene were a heavily soiled pair of grey boxers and a used condom. When we expressed surprise at the use of a contraceptive on an inanimate dummy the store manager's jaw dropped with a strangled gasp. "Where have you been? London isn't Los Angeles you know. We take safe sex seriously here. You do wear rubber gloves and a facemask when you're submitting to the monthly conjugals? British men expect it you know."

The attacks began three months ago after local retailers noticed a customer blatantly groping semi-naked mannequins at several fashionable shops in London's Oxford Street. On each occasion the man escaped before he could be apprehended. Although there is no doubt that dropping your trousers and rubbing your willy against plastic women, is sexually inappropriate, it remains unclear whether or not it can be classified as rape.

Two of the rapist’s previous victims have described their attacker as a man in his middle 30s with a receding hairline and an extremely small penis. Unfortunately, since their description applies to almost every thirty-something man in England, the perpetrator has not yet been caught. However, the DNA collected at the scene of his most recent victim is being tested and may lead to the identification of a man in his middle thirties with a receding hairline and an extremely small penis.

The hunt for the elusive rapist threatens to strip the crotchless panties from the debate on rape raging in pubs up and down the country and expose the festering yeast infection of Britain's sexual hypocrisy.

Some consider the Mannequin Rapist an innocent victim of modern sexual marketing which has swept demure, fully clothed store dummies out of shop windows and replaced them with anorexic, thirteen-year-old nymphets flaunting postage stamp sized thongs and see-thru bras. Others insist that he’s mentally ill and could be reintegrated into decent society—or possibly even Parliament—after a short, sharp shock to his genitalia.

And still others suggest that the only therapy that could cure him is a rabid feminist armed with a pair of blunt scissors. Unsurprisingly, the middle-aged bloke we interviewed plying a glassy-eyed teenage girl with Bacardi Breezers in the Cockwell Inn, was unsympathetic to our suggestion that the Rapist should have his bollocks lopped off.

“Those plastic lolitas are gagging for it," the 52-year-old misogynist opined with a suggestive leer at his scantily-clad companion. ‘I've seen the way they dress, flaunting themselves in public with their provocative poses and skimpy outfits.

Fuck me, some of those mini skirts don't even cover their arses and the dummies in shop windows are even worse!" He talked fast, his voice slurred with drink, or possibly the prospect of getting into his companion's tracksuit bottoms. "It’s disgusting how these filthy sluts show their pert nipples through the thin, clinging fabric of them skimpy tops they’re whoring,” he added as he massaged the rising bulge in his trousers. “One little tart wasn’t even wearing any knickers!”

His attitude is symptomatic of the confusion which surrounds contemporary female sexuality which has blurred the line between plastic dummies and women who strive to lokk like them. But no matter how much plastic women are made of, can skimpy clothing, or the lack of it, ever justify rape? Women may answer in the negative, but the correlation between the number of mannequin rapes and how few clothes they were wearing when they were attacked, suggests that the bloke in the High Street considers anything in a short skirt who can't or won't say no, fair game.

According to police records, a mannequin is 600 times more likely to be assaulted if she models lingerie than if she is working for a DIY store. We spoke to one female mannequin modelling fire-resistant overalls while holding an electric drill in one hand and a hammer in the other. The closest she’s ever come to being raped, she told us, was when a butch dyke slipped a hand into her back pocket and gave her buttocks a squeeze.
“I nearly dropped the hammer,” she giggled.

One anonymous mannequin wearing only a see-thru matching Prada bra and panty set posing provocatively behind a window in Knightsbridge, told us that not a day goes by when she isn’t accosted in some deliberate or accidental way. “Usually they pretend to trip and catch themselves against my buttocks, some slide a cold finger very slowly across the seam of my thong. Once, a smelly Italian faked a fainting spell just to reach out and take hold of my breasts for support. But we’re ladies, so we don’t react or pull away. If it were up to us, we’d slap them, but that would be bad for business. So we just grin and bare it—quite literally.”

Grinning and baring it, however professional, only adds to the soaring problem of Mannequin abuse. If a mannequin refuses even to step away from an offending shopper, the chances are that she’ll keep her lips sealed as well. A straw poll of fifty random shoppers conducted in London's Oxford Street during our researcher's three hour lunch break, found that nearly 92% of men and 69% of women don’t consider an assault rape unless the victim clearly says no to her aggressor.

Since most mannequins lack a larynx or functioning lips, it is no wonder many of them just grin and bare it. One mannequin, who can speak, but elected to talk through an interpreter as she only has a smattering of Ukrainian, told us she'd been repeatedly abused, adding tearfully: "If I could open my mouth properly, it would only invite some disgusting pervert to shove his throbbing manhood into it."

The Happening Place team was shocked to discover just how little sympathy store dummies get from women. As one clinically obese cocktail waitress with red hair and spots snapped at us: “Why should I care? They have the best job in the world. All they do is stand there, the most expensive and beautiful clothes clinging to their perfectly proportioned bodies, flaunting their pearly teeth, deep tans and pert boobies. They get ogled at all bloody day long for doing nothing. I work my arse off for twelve hours a day only to have some wanker ask me if I eat the leftovers to stay so slim."

“Would you ever consider sexually assaulting a store dummy?” we asked her.

“Fuck off! If I sat on their faces I’d crush their pretty little heads.”

Two other ladies, carrying a few extra pounds along with their shopping, were equally scathing in their condemnation of the morality of plastic women. “I’m not jealous or anything,” said Tamara Tompkins-Snogworthy (38), “But have you noticed how tiny their waists and bottoms are?” Her sixteen-year-old daughter, whose naked, bulging belly testified to her fondness for pizza and chips, agreed, adding, “The rapist is a sad sicko—no doubt about that. But can you really blame him for not being able to control himself around some of those mannequins? It’s a good thing that Ann Summers had a sale on thongs today because I needed a new pair once I got out of there.”
“How about male mannequins?” we asked.

“Oh, they’re so dishy,” they chortled in unison, suggesting that the double standards in our society that label sexually aggressive women as sluts and their male counterparts, as studs, have not been lost on the mannequin community.

“So why aren’t randy women running around raping male mannequins?” we asked.

“Because it would interfere with shopping,” snapped the mother.
In an endeavour to probe the complexities of a mannequin rapist’s mind, we interviewed Jack Barby, 41, currently serving three years in Pentonville prison after raping an astonishing thirty-four mannequins during the record-breaking Christmas Shopping season of 1992.

The first thing he told us from behind his very own window was: “I didn’t think of myself as a rapist. I preferred to call myself a mannequinizer. I loved everything about them: their cold, deeply tanned, slightly oily skin, their smooth, hairless bodies, their aloof unavailability and synthetic smiles that cried out to be wiped off their simpering faces."

When we asked Barby to tell us about his first time, his face lit up like a Christmas tree. “It was an ordinary day. I was shopping for lingerie for my wife, who later divorced me, probably because she never got the lingerie. I couldn’t decide on red camiknickers or a black teddy. Nearby a store dummy was wearing the camiknickers, so I asked a sales assistant to hold up the black teddy, to compare the items. Before you could say 'buy one and get two free', the shop girl dropped her knickers, we ducked down behind House wares and I took her roughly from behind while she was munching on the mannequin's Lady lips. From then on, I got a massive stiffy whenever I passed a store dummy.”

“How were you finally caught?” we asked him.

“There are only so many mannequins you can grope before the security guards start to notice. But I was having such a good time; I never saw them coming, which is more than I can say for the dummy whose eyes were wider then her legs by the time I came all over her Dolce & Gabbana thong.

When the guards slapped the cuffs on me, my first thought was that Madeleine she was my favourite wanted to play rough. Well, I got my wish all right when I was sent here. Only it wasn’t with a store dummy but a hairy arsed arsonist from Peckam called 'Bob' who shared the cell with me. I never saw him coming until I felt a hot, burning sensation between my cheeks. It was then I realised how Madeleine must have felt when I raped her.”

Barby, now a born again Christian, realises that he suffered a severe lapse when he succumbed to the slippery temptations of hard plastic. But he’s tackled his problem and is moving on with his life. He works as a plastic injection mould operator during the week and busies himself cataloguing his collection of designer thongs most weekends. Over the years he's had ample time to reflect on the selfishness of his past behaviour.

“Just because she dresses in a sexy, satin crop top and arse-grazing pelmet doesn’t mean she's gagging to be taken from behind to the tune of 'Santa's coming to town' belting out over the store intercom. Just because she didn’t say no or push my hand away when I reached into her sheer silk panties, doesn’t mean she wanted sex. It just means she was made of plastic and couldn’t talk or move her limbs."

"You've just described the average British woman after ten Bacardi Breezers and a night on the town with her giggling mates," we commented.
"Have I?" asked Barby. "Bloody hell! You mean I could have raped real women and got away Scott free?"

"Thousands of other blokes have."

"Does the Mannequin Rapist know that?"

"Apparently not or the stupid fucker wouldn't still be terrorizing London's mannequins."

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