Condoms banned

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Spliff, today banned the sale, possession and use of condoms after designating them as weapons of messy destruction. The move follows an attack on Prime Minister Gordon Brown yesterday in which he was hit by condoms filled with custard thrown by protesters in the Commons gallery. Mr Brown was shaken but not hurt.

A Downing Street official told me that the PM had been examined by a team of doctors and that their opinion was that he would be back to normal in a few days. They denied a rumour that he would require psychiatric treatment to overcome a sudden fear of latex.

Effective immediately, the sale, possession and use of condoms anywhere in the UK, except for parts of Glasgow and the whole of Braintree, is illegal, and anyone caught in possession of one will be subjected to an on-the-spot fine of £500 for a first offence and £5000 for a second offence. Subsequent offences will incur a prison sentence of not less than six months.

Mrs Spliff, speaking from outside the stationery cupboard in which she now spends most of the day, told reporters that while these measures may seem harsh, they are necessary for public security. No one had realised until now, she said, that condoms could be used as a weapon, but she had moved quickly to address this newly-recognised problem. "I want the public to know that we will take any action necessary to protect them from condom attacks," she said. "In this case it was just harmless protesters, but next time it could be terrorists chucking condoms filled with sarin, radioactive waste, or who knows what."

Craig Ramurbottom, spokesman for the Amalgamated Union of Makers of Condoms and Other Novelty Items, told me that the government's move was disastrous for the industry and would lead to massive job losses. He pointed out that a condom is every bit a part of a traditional British night out as twelve pints of lager and a vindaloo. "My members are going to stand up and be counted,"

he said. "I can guarantee they will have a stiff resolve."