May Day

Riots and demonstrations have taken place across the country today in protest at the poor turnout for yesterday's May Day protests.

The May Day protests have traditionally seen thousands of people march on London to throw bricks at McDonalds and fight with police. However, this year the turnout was only 70% of last year's and just 700 people were involved in street battles with police.

"It was very disappointing," recalled mental hospital worker Steven Ramurbottom. "So that's why we launched these protests today. We've got to teach these people a lesson."

Instead of marching on London and breaking the windows of multinational corporations, protestors turned on the homes of "people who weren't there but should have been". Council flats in Hull and Liverpool were among the targets, as was a small farm in Dorset. Police said that several people were injured and at least 150 arrests were made.

Greg T Haddock QC, a "thoroughly anti-capitalist" lawyer with houses in Kensington and Mayfair and a yacht in the Bahamas, told protestors threatening him with baseball bats that he supported their aims. "I understand and sympathise with your cause," he cried at protestors while cowering under his BMW. "But violence won't help anybody, least of all me. Would you mind getting off my begonias please if it's not much trouble?"