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It turns out that British women suffering from sexual problems, a general lack of desire, or who are simply tired of their husband's inability to find their 'G' spot, can now obtain free dildos from their Doctor. One of Britain's most eminent consultants, Dr Gel Doe former professor of sexual dysfunction at Frank Hopkins Hospital, in Sunderland has gone one step further and is referring his patients to a London sex shop for a helping hand in exploring their bodies or possibly an entire fist.

"Almost three quarters of all British women suffer from some sexual dysfunction, and vibrators are an enormous aid for women who want to get to the bottom of their problems," the charming consultant told The Happening Place Team today.

"Don't you think that's their partner's job?" we asked.

"It's their partner's failure to do the job that's half the problem," retorted Dr Doe sharply.
"What's the other half?"
"There isn't one."
"Come again?"

"British men are just too damn small. Most of my patients are lucky if they come at all."
Although three out of four British women now own a vibrator or shop regularly for courgettes and cucumbers — the use of dildos in British medical circles remains controversial.

"Vibrators are a completely new concept for us," said Dr Marjory Stopes, a spokeswoman for St Sapho's Clinic in Staines. "We're trying to educate English women about the therapeutic uses of these devices, but it's proving an uphill struggle. Their association with sex shops and porn stars like Jordan is a tough nut to crack. They prefer the current medical implements used for dilating vaginas, and are frightened of uncomfortable things that look like a cross between a mobile phone and a toilet brush."

Her staff nurse, Sister Mary Curettage, nodded sympathetically, and added: "We've been showing women tiny, squidgy, pink things that do the same job and have introduced them to all the different sizes and shapes these things come in, but so far they've just not taken them up."

Although vibrators started life as a medical tool back in 1883, Dr Stopes says that the majority of her patients had never seen a vibrator until they visited Holland. "I find their lack of knowledge utterly astonishing," she said sadly. 'British women are living in the dark ages."

Since the British Government introduced the new scheme last month, US visitor numbers to London have soared by over 3,000 percent.

"It's something I never dreamed of purchasing before and I've been in England for 17 years," said Jessica Lewinsky, a 32-year-old customer service manager working in a London supermarket. "Now they're freely available from my Doctor, I've got three and have another one on back order."

"Back order?" we asked.

"Yeah," replied the slim brunette shyly, "it's a twelve-inch, hard plastic deluxe vibrator with a jello-lubricated butt plug. My Doctor's having it flown in specially from Walmart, in California!"

*Ahh Ive been replaced!

Interview With Sid the Vibrator.
The Happening Place Team.: "Good evening, Mr. Vibrator. Thank you for agreeing to this interview."
Mr. Vibrator: "Please, don't be so formal. I've seen you naked. Call me Sid."
The Happening Place Team.: "Okay Sid. We're sure our readers are keen to know where you're coming from. Where were you born?"

Sid: "I was made in China by a rubber corporation with a thousand other vibrators. We must've looked quite funny; an assembly line of little soldiers wearing helmets, ready to fight the war against horniness. From there we were shipped to England. Damn lucky for us; they cut the heads off vibrators in Saudi Arabia, you know. America's not a lot better; it's no fun spending your life up the bottom of a 300-pound trucker from Texas. And no one ever wants to go to Russia because it's hard to stay hot in such a cold climate. Once in England we were divided up and shipped to different places. Most of us went to sex shops, some to schools and the unlucky buggers went to Catholic priests.”

The Happening Place Team.: "Fascinating, Sid. Do you like your job?"
Sid: "Love it. Who wouldn't? Sure, some days are harder than others. We vibrators can have headaches too, you know. But for the most part I wouldn't trade my job for any other."

The Happening Place Team.: "What's the most difficult part of the job?"
Sid: "Shopping for shoes, I'd say."
The Happening Place Team.: "Some have called you heartless womanisers who travel from woman to woman with no real commitment. How do you respond to those accusations?"
Sid: "Do womanisers generally make women happy? Because we always make women happy, and keeping women happy is an uphill job, let me tell you. Sometimes, it's a real bummer, but what the hell, somebody has to do the dirty jobs, right?"

The Happening Place Team.: "Er, right, Sid. Is there anything you don't like about being a vibrator?"
Sid: "We've all heard the horror stories, about how unsuspecting vibrators are lured into bed some nights never to be heard of or felt from again. And the baby stories — please, don't leave us lying around if your baby is teething. That happened to my Uncle Arthur. One day Sharon left him lying on the coffee table. The next thing you know the baby was using him as a dummy, sucking him off like he was a lactating breast or something. Art was so mortified he committed suicide in the toilet. I mean what a humiliation for a bloke called Art Penis!"

The Happening Place Team.: "Is there anything you're really afraid of?"
Sid: "Being an agnostic — with Buddhist leanings, I've always feared the church handling me. I had a cousin that happened to. One minute he was minding his own business hanging next to a tube of KY Jelly at a posh sex shop in the King's Road, and the next he was taking turns walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death with two very curious and liberated nuns. It wasn't all bad, though. He got Sundays off."

The Happening Place Team.: "Any final words to our readers?"
Sid: "Don't neglect us. If you leave us in the bottom of the wardrobe to gather dust, don't complain about your pussy itching when you finally require our services. Here's another thing most women don't realise. If our batteries run down, we're not completely useless. Just talk dirty to us. Hell, we love that!"

The Happening Place Team.: "Thank you for your time, Sid, you nasty little cum guzzler."

Sid: "You're welcome. Now turn that bloody tape recorder off, drop your knickers and turn me on!"

Dedicated to "SideJump"

*Membership, Join "The Happening Place Team"

A shopping centre in Liverpool has banned the wearing of clothes as part of a crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

The New Strand shopping centre said it had received dozens of complaints about youths wearing clothes. "Many of the complaints came from our more elderly visitors, who felt very intimidated by the sight of these youths," said Charles Ramurbottom, the centre's manager. "We didn't take this decision lightly, but we're sure that our new code of conduct will make customers feel more comfortable."

Mr Ramurbottom was encouraged by a local expert in "sartorial criminology", Professor George T Codpiece from the University of Bootle. "Our researchers spent almost a year watching over 500 hours of crimes being committed on CCTV," he told The Happening Place Team. "There was a common theme among all of them: they were all committed by people wearing clothes. A ban is the only solution."

One week on from the introduction of the ban, and anti-social behaviour in the shopping centre has reduced dramatically. "Whereas before we would see several incidents a day, ranging from graffiti to petty arson, under the ban we've only had one incident of inappropriate behaviour, but we'd rather not talk about that one," said Mr Ramurbottom's head of security, wearing nothing but a belt around his waist for his radio.

When asked what effect the ban had had on trade Mr Ramsbottom refused to say, adding that it was entirely normal for the place to be empty around lunchtime.

Late news
The Strand's only remaining eating establishment, Mr Muffin's Coffee and Donut Emporium, has had to close following a series of unfortunate accidents.

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Spliff, today banned the sale, possession and use of condoms after designating them as weapons of messy destruction. The move follows an attack on Prime Minister Gordon Brown yesterday in which he was hit by condoms filled with custard thrown by protesters in the Commons gallery. Mr Brown was shaken but not hurt.

A Downing Street official told me that the PM had been examined by a team of doctors and that their opinion was that he would be back to normal in a few days. They denied a rumour that he would require psychiatric treatment to overcome a sudden fear of latex.

Effective immediately, the sale, possession and use of condoms anywhere in the UK, except for parts of Glasgow and the whole of Braintree, is illegal, and anyone caught in possession of one will be subjected to an on-the-spot fine of £500 for a first offence and £5000 for a second offence. Subsequent offences will incur a prison sentence of not less than six months.

Mrs Spliff, speaking from outside the stationery cupboard in which she now spends most of the day, told reporters that while these measures may seem harsh, they are necessary for public security. No one had realised until now, she said, that condoms could be used as a weapon, but she had moved quickly to address this newly-recognised problem. "I want the public to know that we will take any action necessary to protect them from condom attacks," she said. "In this case it was just harmless protesters, but next time it could be terrorists chucking condoms filled with sarin, radioactive waste, or who knows what."

Craig Ramurbottom, spokesman for the Amalgamated Union of Makers of Condoms and Other Novelty Items, told me that the government's move was disastrous for the industry and would lead to massive job losses. He pointed out that a condom is every bit a part of a traditional British night out as twelve pints of lager and a vindaloo. "My members are going to stand up and be counted,"

he said. "I can guarantee they will have a stiff resolve."