@ 2008-06-30 – 09:15:07
@ 2008-06-26 – 12:30:09
Tel’s Personal Problem Page:
*Some problems readers have sent to me are of an intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean.
*NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad person, my perhaps witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously!
'Sara' (15), from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
Well i was so close 2 going out wiv this boy but he said he said mayb coz i got my m8s 2 ask him but he said no 2 them but he came up 2 me and he said if i asked him he wud say yeh this was over the phone so i went 2 him the next day 2 find i was 2 l8 2 ask him this happened sumer 2007 i still like him is there any point in waiting 4 him 2 finish with his other gf i really like him.
No point at all, Sara. Let me try to translate the incomprehensible gibberish that passes for communication among you and your 'm8s' into passable English:
'I failed miserably to date this boy, because, like the dim-witted, gutless chav I am I got my friends to ask him out on my behalf and he refused. Later, he telephoned me to say that if I got up the bottle to ask him out myself he might consider my request. So I approached him the next day but he said I was too late. This happened nearly 12 months ago when I was 14. In the interim he has found a girlfriend and I have become even dimmer. Is there any point in waiting for him to ask me out on the off chance that he might dump his girlfriend for me?'
*No, none. Frankly, your only chance of scoring is to put on your prettiest belly-button ring, squeeze into a risible pelmet that barely covers your arse and hang around the bike sheds. If you're lucky the boy may just ask you out. If you're really lucky, a gang of your fellow chavs may rip your thong off you, spread your thighs as wide as the vacuum between your ears, and shag some sense into you before it's too late.
'Mojo' (14), from London, asks:
No matter how good things are going I just can't be happy. It feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Every day is the same old day; get up, go to school, go home, do homework, then sleep and then again for the next three years of my childhood. I have nothing to look forward to. Please help!
Look on the bright side; you could be a 14-year-old Chav living on a sink estate who crawls out of the foetid pit she's sharing with the fathers of her three kids, feeds her latest 'littlun', collects her giro, goes home, downs a bottle of vodka, gets shagged by the landlord in lieu of rent and falls into unconsciousness. At least you have your homework to look forward to. On the other hand, you could put aside your self-pitying whining, turn your back on your self-obsessed existence, and bugger off to darkest Africa to help people with real problems. Such as where to find the next meal and how to escape the marauding gangs who want to rape your two-year-old child. Your choice, Mojo.
'Lisa' (45), from Calgary, in Canada, asks:
This guy I like, acts like he likes me one day, then doesn't the next. He will be distant to me around his girlfriend and nice to me when she is not around. Then he will act distant to me and she is not even there! It seems like it depends on what mood he is in. I am so sick of this guessing game. He knows I care about him and he shows he is interested in me. His body language, etc. I just don't know what the heck he is trying to tell me or whether he really is interested in me OR NOT!! I am so confused. Him and his girlfriend have an open relationship where each one can do whatever they please.
Are you sure you're 45, Lisa? Frankly, I've known 14-year-old chavs with more sense than you appear to possess. Have you tried unzipping his pants, whipping out his willy and wrapping your lips around it? No, silly question. That would require imagination and initiative; qualities you clearly don't possess.
'Stu', from Preston, in the UK, asks:
Until recently I had an ordinary sex life. I now find I like to wank myself with my wife's dirty pee stained white knickers on my head. Is this normal?
It is if she's in them. If not, you may find that playing with your wife rather than yourself will improve your dismal sex life.
'Charlotte' (15), from Limerick, in Ireland, asks:
OK, I'm lesbian and about a month ago my pussy started seriously irritating me, itching, and being quite sore, and now its caught onto my gf. I want to tell some one but I'm too scared. I just wanna know if u cud take a guess at wat might be going on? (please dont be nasty).
The only nasty thing here is your girlfriend's dirty mouth, Charlotte. You might try swopping her germ-infested fingers for a squeaky clean willy. Sperm is sterile you know, unlike your girlfriend's filthy tongue.
'Billy' from Reading, in the UK, asks:
My girl friend won't let me lick her jazzy jeff. I like licking the furry muff but my little bit on the side won't let me taste her doner kebab. I've been with her for three years and never had a close encounter with her fanny. Please help, I'm worried in case there's something she doesn't want me to see.
That would be the enormous load the bloke she's been seeing behind your back regularly dumps in her love tunnel, Jimmy. Unless you enjoy swallowing other men's cum I suggest you stick to grooming your girlfriend's pitch with your tongue.
Lucy' (27), from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
I just don't know where I stand with my best friend. When we have a drink she's really lovey dubby and keeps kissing me and saying I love u and don't ever hurt me. There's something about her I can't put my finger on please wat can I do?
Do you mean 'can't put your finger on' or 'won't put your finger on,' Lucy? Look, she's a lezza, you dozy slapper. Either let her into your knickers or tell her you don't play for the home team.
'Sandra.' from Leicester, in the UK, asks:
I've known this bus driver for about 5 years and my husband knows him but what my husband doesn't know is that I am having an affair with this man. We had sex only once but it was really good. I love my husband very much I have been with him for 10 years and married for 4 years. I need your help what should I do about this driver?
Perhaps the best solution would be to divorce your hubby and marry the bus driver and have an affair with your ex on the side. No, hang on, that would be the same as the situation you're in now. Oh, bugger it, just carry on as you are; the 52% of married women who cheat on their husbands can't all be wrong, can they?
'Zoe' (23), from Brooklyn, NY, in the USA, asks:
My problem is that I can't have an orgasm from intercourse. This is probably way more common than people think? So I figured it was because the boys I fucked in the past were probably all just a bunch of selfish pricks, right? But I've been with three new people since and still nothing (besides getting some good hand jobs). Should I just wait until some compatible fuck-mate comes along, or is it actually possible to not be physically able to have an orgasm from intercourse?? Is it just the Clit??! Oh and I've been with many a varied dick size too. Big and medium.
Let's not beat about the bush, darling. You're a slut. After that many partners your pussy is obviously as loose as your morals. Short of having a nip and tuck or using the back door, I'm afraid you're just going to have to buy larger vegetables.
@ 2008-06-24 – 10:00:54
An Australian guy istravelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into
a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the
evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants
to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia .
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - whatstreet?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give toyou'
HE WHO DRINKSAUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
@ 2008-06-11 – 11:58:26
I have 2 dogs & I was out this morning buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco's and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no! I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds, before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned?
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
Answers on a Postcard!
@ 2008-06-09 – 09:24:18
The right to wear religious symbols in school has been asserted by a fifth form pupil and practicing Jedi Knight at the High Court.
Kevin Baldcock, from Cannock, arrived flanked by senior officials of the UK Jedi Council to challenge his expulsion from Hedge End High School for refusing to remove his lightsabre during a geography lesson. The court heard that Kevin was sent home indefinitely after being found with the laser-based weapon under his cloak.
The counsel for Hedge End School argued that the decision did not breach Kevin's human rights. "This is not a headscarf or even a chastity ring, this is a lethal weapon more suitable for battling an army of Sith Lords on a moon of Endor," he said.
Judge Douglas Ramurbottom QC heard that the carrying of a lightsabre was an integral part of the Jedi religion, mainly used for symbolic purposes but also as a means of fighting the dark side.
At one point Kevin, 15, approached the bench and handed Judge Ramurbottom a handwritten note. Stepping back, he gazed hypnotically into the judge's eyes and was heard to instruct "This is the decision you are looking for". Judge Ramurbottom appeared momentarily bewildered before seeming to snap out of it and held the boy in contempt.
The result of the case will have serious implications for the Jedi community in the UK. Jediism has joined a long list of so-called "new age" beliefs systems that include Scientology, Ninjistu and Protestantism. Believers say it is in no way merely an excuse to piss around on the Census form.
Kevin's mother, Mrs Baldcock, appeared unsupportive outside the court. "We've been trying to get him out of this wicked religion for the past two years," she said. "He's become indoctrinated and regularly performs 'Jedi mind tricks' on his little sister. Poor thing doesn't know whether she's coming or going."
A decision is expected next week.
Posts archive for: June, 2008