Problem Page

Tel’s Personal Problem Page:

*Some problems readers have sent to me are of an intimate nature. If you are of a shy, nervous disposition, please leave while your pants are still clean.

*NOTE FOR THE VERY DIM. Although every question on these VERY PERSONAL PROBLEMS pages is a genuine plea for help from some desperately sad person, my perhaps witty, literate answers are entirely satirical and NOT to be taken seriously!

1.
'Sara' (15), from Leeds, in the UK, asks:
Well i was so close 2 going out wiv this boy but he said he said mayb coz i got my m8s 2 ask him but he said no 2 them but he came up 2 me and he said if i asked him he wud say yeh this was over the phone so i went 2 him the next day 2 find i was 2 l8 2 ask him this happened sumer 2007 i still like him is there any point in waiting 4 him 2 finish with his other gf i really like him.

Answer:
No point at all, Sara. Let me try to translate the incomprehensible gibberish that passes for communication among you and your 'm8s' into passable English:

'I failed miserably to date this boy, because, like the dim-witted, gutless chav I am I got my friends to ask him out on my behalf and he refused. Later, he telephoned me to say that if I got up the bottle to ask him out myself he might consider my request. So I approached him the next day but he said I was too late. This happened nearly 12 months ago when I was 14. In the interim he has found a girlfriend and I have become even dimmer. Is there any point in waiting for him to ask me out on the off chance that he might dump his girlfriend for me?'

*No, none. Frankly, your only chance of scoring is to put on your prettiest belly-button ring, squeeze into a risible pelmet that barely covers your arse and hang around the bike sheds. If you're lucky the boy may just ask you out. If you're really lucky, a gang of your fellow chavs may rip your thong off you, spread your thighs as wide as the vacuum between your ears, and shag some sense into you before it's too late.

'Mojo' (14), from London, asks:
No matter how good things are going I just can't be happy. It feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Every day is the same old day; get up, go to school, go home, do homework, then sleep and then again for the next three years of my childhood. I have nothing to look forward to. Please help!

Answer:
Look on the bright side; you could be a 14-year-old Chav living on a sink estate who crawls out of the foetid pit she's sharing with the fathers of her three kids, feeds her latest 'littlun', collects her giro, goes home, downs a bottle of vodka, gets shagged by the landlord in lieu of rent and falls into unconsciousness. At least you have your homework to look forward to. On the other hand, you could put aside your self-pitying whining, turn your back on your self-obsessed existence, and bugger off to darkest Africa to help people with real problems. Such as where to find the next meal and how to escape the marauding gangs who want to rape your two-year-old child. Your choice, Mojo.

'Lisa' (45), from Calgary, in Canada, asks:
This guy I like, acts like he likes me one day, then doesn't the next. He will be distant to me around his girlfriend and nice to me when she is not around. Then he will act distant to me and she is not even there! It seems like it depends on what mood he is in. I am so sick of this guessing game. He knows I care about him and he shows he is interested in me. His body language, etc. I just don't know what the heck he is trying to tell me or whether he really is interested in me OR NOT!! I am so confused. Him and his girlfriend have an open relationship where each one can do whatever they please.

Answer:
Are you sure you're 45, Lisa? Frankly, I've known 14-year-old chavs with more sense than you appear to possess. Have you tried unzipping his pants, whipping out his willy and wrapping your lips around it? No, silly question. That would require imagination and initiative; qualities you clearly don't possess.

'Stu', from Preston, in the UK, asks:
Until recently I had an ordinary sex life. I now find I like to wank myself with my wife's dirty pee stained white knickers on my head. Is this normal?

Answer:
It is if she's in them. If not, you may find that playing with your wife rather than yourself will improve your dismal sex life.

'Charlotte' (15), from Limerick, in Ireland, asks:
OK, I'm lesbian and about a month ago my pussy started seriously irritating me, itching, and being quite sore, and now its caught onto my gf. I want to tell some one but I'm too scared. I just wanna know if u cud take a guess at wat might be going on? (please dont be nasty).

Answer:
The only nasty thing here is your girlfriend's dirty mouth, Charlotte. You might try swopping her germ-infested fingers for a squeaky clean willy. Sperm is sterile you know, unlike your girlfriend's filthy tongue.

'Billy' from Reading, in the UK, asks:
My girl friend won't let me lick her jazzy jeff. I like licking the furry muff but my little bit on the side won't let me taste her doner kebab. I've been with her for three years and never had a close encounter with her fanny. Please help, I'm worried in case there's something she doesn't want me to see.

Answer:
That would be the enormous load the bloke she's been seeing behind your back regularly dumps in her love tunnel, Jimmy. Unless you enjoy swallowing other men's cum I suggest you stick to grooming your girlfriend's pitch with your tongue.

Lucy' (27), from Birmingham, in the UK, asks:
I just don't know where I stand with my best friend. When we have a drink she's really lovey dubby and keeps kissing me and saying I love u and don't ever hurt me. There's something about her I can't put my finger on please wat can I do?

Answer:
Do you mean 'can't put your finger on' or 'won't put your finger on,' Lucy? Look, she's a lezza, you dozy slapper. Either let her into your knickers or tell her you don't play for the home team.

'Sandra.' from Leicester, in the UK, asks:
I've known this bus driver for about 5 years and my husband knows him but what my husband doesn't know is that I am having an affair with this man. We had sex only once but it was really good. I love my husband very much I have been with him for 10 years and married for 4 years. I need your help what should I do about this driver?

Answer:
Perhaps the best solution would be to divorce your hubby and marry the bus driver and have an affair with your ex on the side. No, hang on, that would be the same as the situation you're in now. Oh, bugger it, just carry on as you are; the 52% of married women who cheat on their husbands can't all be wrong, can they?

'Zoe' (23), from Brooklyn, NY, in the USA, asks:
My problem is that I can't have an orgasm from intercourse. This is probably way more common than people think? So I figured it was because the boys I fucked in the past were probably all just a bunch of selfish pricks, right? But I've been with three new people since and still nothing (besides getting some good hand jobs). Should I just wait until some compatible fuck-mate comes along, or is it actually possible to not be physically able to have an orgasm from intercourse?? Is it just the Clit??! Oh and I've been with many a varied dick size too. Big and medium.

Answer:
Let's not beat about the bush, darling. You're a slut. After that many partners your pussy is obviously as loose as your morals. Short of having a nip and tuck or using the back door, I'm afraid you're just going to have to buy larger vegetables.