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I raise the question do pussies really need to be bathed?

Not always, in fact, most pussies only need to be bathed if they start to exude a foul smelling or harmful substance, or have a skin condition. I have never bathed my favourite pussy. Surely you can do a fine job of keeping your pussy clean with your tongue and fingers, and frequent bathing can actually dry it's skin and hair and cause more problems than it solves. But if you must do it, here's the proper way:

Pussy Bathing:

First, brush or comb your pussy thoroughly. Never wet a matted coat. Few modern short-haired pussies will have mats, but if any sticky substance such as hardened cream or chocolate is in the fur, carefully clip or comb it out before wetting. Wetting will only make such problems worse.

Use a gentle, natural shampoo for your pussy. Avoid lanolin, deodorants, pesticides, or citrus fruits. All these things are irritating or toxic to pussies, or coat their fur. I personally like some of the new products containing oatmeal, which taste really nice and leaves the skin of my favourite pussy feeling really soft and clean.

Have a pile of towels, and somewhere to sit while your partner or close friend holds your pussy. Use an empty shampoo bottle, and mix the shampoo with warm water, so when you apply it to your pussy it's warm, not cold. Cold liquids will make pussy flinch. Don't forget to lay a folded towel under your pussy's bottom to soak up any spills. This makes any pussy feel really secure.

I like to have the water running before I begin washing my favourite pussy. I let the towel get nice and warm and wet before sitting her down on it. Hold pussy firmly with your fingers grasping the fur if necessary. Then use a hand-held sprayer to gently wet her all over before finishing her off with a brisk rub down.

Warning: If you find this over-excites your pussy you are washing her too often.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how She would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician returns her blank check.

'There's no charge,' says the blonde mortician.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widow says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads!'

All British women suffering from sexual problems, a general lack of desire, or who are simply tired of their husband's inability to find their 'G' spot, can now obtain free dildos from their Doctor.

One of Britain's most eminent consultants, Dr Gel Doe former professor of sexual dysfunction at The Sutcliffe Hospital, in Tunbridge Wells has gone one step further and is referring his patients to a London sex shop for a helping hand in exploring their bodies or possibly an entire fist. "Almost three quarters of all British women suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction, and vibrators are an enormous aid for women who want to get to the bottom of their problems," the charming consultant told me today.

"Don't you think that's their partner's job?" I asked.
"It's their partner's failure to do the job that's half the problem," retorted Dr Doe sharply.
"What's the other half?"
"There isn't one."
"Come again?"
"British men are just too damn small. Most of my patients are lucky if they come at all."

A bit harsh I thought!

Although three out of four British women now own a vibrator or shop regularly for courgettes and cucumbers the use of dildos in British medical circles remains controversial.

"Vibrators are a completely new concept for us," said Dr Marj Duracell, a spokeswoman for St Saphire Clinic in Staines. "We're trying to educate English women about the therapeutic uses of these devices, but it's proving an uphill struggle. Their association with sex shops and porn stars like Jordan is a tough nut to crack. They prefer the current medical implements used for dilating vaginas, and are frightened of uncomfortable things that look like a cross between a mobile phone and a toilet brush."

Her staff nurse, Sister Mary Curettage, nodded sympathetically, and added: "We've been showing women tiny, squidgy, pink things that do the same job and have introduced them to all the different sizes and shapes these things come in, but so far they've just not taken them up."

Although vibrators started life as a medical tool back in 1883, Dr Duracell says that the majority of her patients had never seen a vibrator until they visited Holland. "I find their lack of knowledge utterly astonishing," she said sadly. 'British women are living in the dark ages."

Since the British Goverment introduced the new scheme last month, US visitor numbers to London have soared by over 3,000 percent.

"It's something I never dreamed of purchasing before and I've been in England for 17 years," said Maria Lewinsky, a 32-year-old customer service manager working in a London supermarket. "Now they're freely available from my Doctor, I've got three and have another one on back order."
"Back order?" I asked.

"Yeah," replied the slim brunette shyly, "it's a twelve-inch, hard plastic deluxe vibrator with a jello-lubricated butt plug. My Doctor's having it flown in specially from Walmart, in California!"

Well there yer go!

A bloke not remotely connected with the Palace, but who once made the mistake of sleeping with Camilla Parker-Bowles, told The Happening Place Team, that Prince Harry will begin studies for his Bar Mitzvah next week with Rabbi Gauddo Mammon of the Poundo Flesch Yeshiva in Maidstone, Kent.

Public opinion on the Prince's decision was mixed. "It really shows the sincerity of his apology, to convert like that," gushed Lady Tamara Snogworthy, a candidate for the 'D-List' Celebrity gameshow, 'I'm a Posh Tart — get me out of here.'

"I wonder if he'll look as sexy in pig-tails and one of those funny black hats?" Her concerns were echoed by the entire hockey team at St Lesbia's Catholic High School for Girls, in Tonbridge, several of whom had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after hearing the news.

As expected, loud protests were heard in other quarters. The British Pork Council has condemned the move, pointing out that a member of the Royal family and third in line to the Throne should set a better example in promoting, rather than eschewing, meat products made in Britain. "I mean," a short, fat bloke in a striped apron told us, "if he stops eating bangers with his mash, what kind of message does that send out to our kids?"

Rumour was rife that in order to fulfil Rabbinical law, Prince Harry might have to have the foreskin lopped off his spam javelin. Royal Physician and leading gynaecologist, Sir Helmut Smith Candy, was circumspect when The Happening Place tackled him on this delicate issue. "I could not possibly speculate about individual members of the Royal family," he intoned, "or indeed, their hangers on."

In the meantime, Prince Harry has cancelled his attendance at the opening of Mel Brookes' musical extravaganza — Yet Again The Producers — at the Royal Albert Hall, and will instead participate in singing the South Park version of the Dreidel Song at the Joseph Mengele Home for displaced Jews.

“God Save The Queen!”

That is what I always thought!

In a stunning legislative move by Mr Browns Government via , the High Court of the United Kingdom, banned the sale, advertising, or exhibition of any three-dimensional device used primarily for the stimulation of human genitalia!

The landmark decision makes sex toy possession an offence punishable by up to five years in prison and/or a £1,000 fine. Once the controversial law passed, United Kingdom’s Premier, Gordon-The Unelected, authorised dozens of simultaneous sting operations to rid the country of the phallic threat to British lifea threat second only to terrorism in these dangerous and uncertain times.

At Good Vibrations, an adult store on the East Side of Croyden, several undercover policemen witnessed the sale of not one, not two, but eighteen individual vibrators in less than an hour earlier this week. “Things were really buzzing at the store,” commented storeowner Gale McFarland from behind bars in Belmarsh prison for women. “None of us realised the hot men in trench coats were cops. We thought they were London metrosexuals in the market for some new butt plugs. When they asked to frisk us, we just assumed they were ordinary perverts,” added the 53-year-old grandmother of four. McFarland and her employees are eligible for parole in 2010.

As stunned United Kingdom women picked themselves up off the pelvic floor, 19-year-old Rita Millingham could be heard screaming at police raiding the Pleasure Plaza in the unfortunately named town of Ramsbottom. “You can have my Rabbit Pearl when you rip it from my cold, dead thighs!” She was later arrested and held without bail. Fred Phillips, who was shopping for a new inflatable doll to replace the old one he patched up with duct tape after an unexpected encounter with a hot muffler, witnessed Milligan clenching a 12 inch silicone willy between her thighs, 'as fiercely as a drowning woman would hold a bouy.'

The United Kingdom law may be rubbing women up the wrong way but it’s not the first of its kind in the world.

Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas in the US have similar laws on the books, banning the sale and/or advertisement of sex toys for women. South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia are all considering joining them. But the new laws do allow a little wiggle room, according to Texas based attorney Jack Offalot.

“Devices are only illegal to own or sell if their primary use is the stimulation of female genitalia. In other words, if your vibrator performs other functions, it’s completely legal or own or sell under all state statutes,” he explained to The Happening Place Team,
“Let me get this straight,” I asked him over coffee at Starbucks. “It’s legal to own, sell and masturbate with ordinary household items, as long as they’re sold for other functions?”
“Correct. Many household tools, for example”
I was never much on DIY, so I cut him off. “How about vegetables? Cucumbers, pickles?”
“As long as you eat them afterwards.”
“Candles?”
“Tapered candles work the best.”

My mind was whirling with ideas. “A turkey baster?”

“It's the only way my wife gets a good stuffing on Thanksgiving,” he quipped. “Yet another thing to be thankful for. And of course, the electric toothbrush, a staple for any modern woman with a healthy libido.”

Despite the fact that the United Kingdom residents average the fewest number of teeth in the union, toothbrush sales have always been impressive over the years, which has perplexed many European marketing executives.

Some clever entrepreneurs have taken advantage of the loose wording of the law in the US by designing undercover vibrators, dildos disguised as normal household items.

One such designer, Smith and Wesson, has released the designs for their Colt 69, which will hit the store shelves later this year. Part handgun, part vibrator, the Colt 69 has a retail price of you guessed it £49.96, which includes a complimentary round of bullets and batteries.

“The inspiration for the Colt 69 was a woman named Sharon Wood, whose Louisiana residency restrained her from buying a Jessica Rabbit, Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket, or even a Wal-Mart brand neck massager,” a spokes person for Smith and Wesson told The Happening Plae. “One night, after her husband of 39 years belched his way to sleep after another premature ejaculation, she took matters into her own hands. Grabbing the nearest item as she lay in bed, which just happened to be her old man’s Colt 45 under the pillow, she masturbated herself into such a frenzy that she literally shot her load. Unfortunately she didn‘t survive to see the unveiling of our product, but I like to think that when this baby hits the stores she'll be smiling down at us from Heaven.”

All of which is bad news for the makers of the Swiss Sex Army Knife. The British-designed multi-function sex toy which we reviewed earlier this year, has not sold well in a America a fate that is unlikely to befall the Colt 69. In a nation where the gun is an enduring symbol of male pride, the Colt 69 is sure to be a winner because it’s a vibrator that men won’t be embarrassed to buy for their wives and girlfriends. Also, it has the endorsement of the NRA, one of the USA’s most powerful lobbies on Capitol Hill. They’re already lobbying Congress to allow the bypass of the customary seven-day waiting period for the weapon/sex toy. “I think it’s very clear to consumers,” added the spokes person, “That when vibrators are outlawed, only outlaws will have vibrators.”

The fate of sex toys in the our beloved United Kingdom was still largely up in the air as we went to press, but one thing is clear; the Colt 69 seems tailor made for a nation of chronic wankers who love their guns but are terrified of a 9 inch vibrating, plastic willy.