The Dead Synapses Society

Billy the worm is the longest worm
That anyone has ever seen
His front end is long, his back end is long
And he’s very long in between.

When being introduced for the very first time
People often make the mistake
Of assuming he isn’t a worm at all
But a slower than average snake.

He doesn’t fit in like other worms do
And can never go out on a date
Co’s his front end will always arrive too early
While his back end is always too late.

One day while wriggling around in the garden
He thought that he had found a friend
Until a passing beetle told him that
He was chatting up his own rear end.

Totally embarrassed, he wanted to hide
In his own little world of despair
But when you’re a worm of enormous proportions
Everyone knows you are there.

So now he’s decided on an operation,
The plans have all been made,
And everyday he lies in the flowerbed
Waiting for the man with the spade!

Bristolian man, John Collins, tells of his shocking ordeal at the hands of aliens who transported him to another planet where he was subjected to merciless interrogation.

"Before we ask you about the alien experience, we would like to establish who you are and where you're from; what do you do, Mr Collins?"

"I am a quality controller in a leading biscuit factory. It is my job to, er, um test biscuits for Taste-Stibility and I, er, do this by biting into them, tasting them for texture and flavour, and if the biscuit is satisfactory, I allow another four million to go by. I haven't tested this one by the way."

"I think our readers will take that one on trust," we replied. "So, Mr Collins, where do you do this biscuit testing; where do you live exactly?"

"Er, the Bristol area; the environs of Bristol. It's very quiet; it nestles in a little valley where we live. We're surrounded by um, countryside and we, um have a small garage."
"I'm sure our readers will find that fascinating."

"Yes, it's a very fascinating area, Bristol, because it's where, the Romans first put down their um their roman baths were first put down in Bristol, you know," continued the Biscuit taster.
"Did they really? Well, fascinating as the history of the Bristol area may be, I think our readers would like to hear about your astonishing experience of being abducted by aliens. Where were you when this happened?"

"I was out, er with my wife Wendy who also lives in the Bristol area," replied Mr Collins," helping himself to another chocolate hob nob.
"Remarkable."

"Just above the garage we have a little flatlet, and we were out of an evening I was out metal detecting."
"Is that a hobby?"
"Yes, I like to, er, I've got this, well, actually I found this metal detector years ago. I was very lucky because I borrowed a friend's metal detector and I was out detecting and suddenly I had a strong feeling that there was something metallic under the ground, and sure enough I dug away, and lo and behold there was this metal detector; all nice and as brand new."

"Metal detectors are made of metal aren't they?" we asked.

"They are made of metal and one of the problems with a bad metal detector is that if it's really poorly made it will start detecting itself."
"You don't say?"

"I do. A friend of mine had a detector which detected itself and started just curling up and trying to eat the handle."
"But this is a good one?" we asked.
"This is a good one, and we were out in the car, and, er, I got out of the car and started detecting"
" And?"
"And suddenly I saw this strange, glowing object hovering about one and half feet above the ground."
"It wasn't your cars headlamps, or anything like that, was it?"
"No, no, it was an unearthly object non-metallic otherwise the detector would have, er, detected it, and, er, I felt strangely calm, but at the same time, horribly terrified. I didn't know what to do. It just stayed there, glowing eerily. It was just hovering there and I felt something beckoning at me; a mental beckoning more than a physical beckoning and I suddenly saw a creature get out of the orb and begin slowly to suck me into it's orbit mentally."

"Mentally suck you?" we asked.

"Mentally suck me into the orbit and I fell into a trance and the next thing I knew I was elsewhere."
"What did these creatures look like?"

"Well, they're rather like, um otter-like in shape and sort of..blobby. The one on the right is the one who took me."
"You could tell them apart, could you?" we asked, "we don't think our readers will be able to."
"Er, em, mentally speaking, yes."
"So how long did you spend on this planet?"
"I was there for approximately four years, or it seemed to be about four years, but in fact it was only three minutes of our time."

"We see.. Which planet were you on; was it Mars or Venus, or "
" Ikea. They were people who arrived millions of years ago in cardboard boxes and were forced to assemble themselves."
"We see," we replied. "That probably accounts for the strange shapes you've drawn."
"Well yes, they had no instructions, you see," explained Mr Collins.
"Why were they interested in you in particular, or us at all?"
"I think they shared my love of metal but it was mainly because they have a museum up there devoted to rock and roll.."

"Our rock and roll?" we asked.

"Our rock and roll," repeated Mr Collins flatly. "The only rock and roll they've ever heard was Manfred Mann but they were unsure about the lyrics of one of his hits which was 'there I was a-walking down the street going doo wa diddy diddy dum diddy—', and that bit of the lyric was missing; so they only got up to 'doo wa diddy diddy dum didd' and they wanted to know what came afterwards."

"And were you able to tell them?" we asked.

"No, I didn't know that lyric at all. So they were most dissatisfied with me. They are dissatisfied with everything, really, up there."

"So how did you communicate with them? Could they speak English?"
"No, they, er, they think they can speak and they communicate through thought waves; through vibrations, timeless aeon vibrations."

"And you could pick this up, could you?"

"I could tell that they didn't like what they'd got," replied Mr Collins sheepishly.
"What's the atmosphere like on the planet?" we asked.
"Well, it's, er, very thin; a very thin atmosphere. If I hadn't had some air in my jumper and my socks with me I would probably have been stifled because it's just what I imagine being in Mexico City is like."

"So what do they do for air or for food; do they eat?" we asked.
"They, er..no. They've been on a diet for two million years because they, er, don't eat. They have no stomachs or mouths; they just have, er well I showed you the drawing they just have, er, the shape of an otter and two slit eyes. It's a good thing they don't eat because there's really no where for them to put the food."

"Has this experience changed you in any way?"
"Yes..it's.. An experience like that in fact that experience made me realise just how insignificant they were."
"Thank you, Mr Collins. I'm sure our readers can empathise with that."

"Can I tell you about my small garage now?"

"Perhaps later."

Ch 4, the United Kingdom’s premier porn station until the creation of Channel 5, has apologised for a stunt described by the White House as 'not funny'. A film made by the channel depicting the shooting of trigger-happy twit George.W.Bush had prompted mass rejoicing in hundreds of cities around the world.

"Hurrah, Hurrah he's dead and no animals were harmed in the process!" some chanted.

"Our city is safe from the American Idiot!" shouted residents of Kabul, Baghdad and New Orleans whilst dancing deliriously in the streets.

However the joy was short-lived after it was revealed that the film was not really real at all. It had in fact been commissioned by practical joker Ian Wright, who was to use the film on his show to wind-up Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in what surely would have been an hilarious episode. Unfortunately the film was leaked and people took it to be gospel.

"It's fake, I'm afraid," said a TV boss at the station. "We thought the fact that there was a shooting without Dick Cheney being anywhere near the incident would have set alarm bells ringing. Sadly, some people have got carried away with it. Ian is devastated - he was really looking forward to playing a trick on the leader of Iran."

Now YouTube is being inundated with home made films of other world leaders 'being killed'. Recent uploads include grainy footage of what appears to be Gordon Brown having the crap beaten out of him on a night bus by a teenage gang of happy slappers whilst in Birmingham.

A new law submitted recently by Labour MP Richard D Head, UK women wearing 'low slung pants', 'crop tops', or other 'intimate clothing' that exposes bare skin will face fines of up to £20,000, jail sentences of up to 10 years and possible compulsory military service as Interrogators in Iraq.

Richard Head has the support of most of the Black Country and North Yorkshire and the backing of the charismatic puritanical clergyman, the unfortunately named Reverend Jesse Pants. The radical Labour MP told me that he filed the bill because he was tired of catching glimpses of belly buttons and small, furry animals over the lowered belt lines and raised hemlines of teenage girls on the streets of Brixton.
The bill would punish any woman caught wearing a short skirt with a fine of as much as £20,000 or as many as six months interviewing candidates for UK Idol. The fifty-seven-year-old MP took time out from his busy charity work for the Northamptonshire Young Lesbians Rehab Unit to talk to me.

"I'm sick and tired of seeing bare flesh on our young women," said the staunch supporter of the puritanical policies of the Reverend Pants, who advocates women should wear the burqa or the 'Muslim body bag' as one outraged opponent described it.

“The community's disgusted," fulminated the MP when I interviewed him at his home above a popular lap-dancing club in downtown Southport, Lancashire. "If parents can't do their job, if parents can't regulate what their children wear, then there should be a law against it."

When we asked him why the law only targeted women he rounded on me with a tirade of hysterical abuse against loose women who flaunt their sexuality in public.
"Unlike men?" I asked.
"Men don't shake their booty’s in public!" stormed the seething MP.
"What about construction workers who expose their buttocks"
"That's different!" he interrupted. "They have to wear low slung pants on account of the extra weight they're carrying."
"Extra weight?"
"Tools and er, um stuff.."

The move was greeted with howls of protest by UK mothers and their cheerleading daughters some of whom went so far as to bare their midriffs at a protest meeting in Blackpool. "That jackass has dropped this country back into the dark ages," shrieked Jessica Lopez (no relation), whose sixteen-year-old daughter, Janet (34-23-35), has been suspended by her hair extensions for six weeks for wearing an umbilical ring to school. "They are making our daughters feel like they're sluts when they are really nice girls just like Britney Spears."

"Boys are going to be horn-toads, anyway, whether girls are wearing a crop top or not," said another, anonymous mum.

Leading feminist and founder of Big Beautiful Babes against Brown (BBB&, Gabby Van Dyke, was steaming over the new proposals. "This is a cheap political trick to distract the attention of the British people away from the state of our economy and our girls and boys being killed or injured by those filthy damned Arabs in Eyewrack."

I think she could have a point.