In an effort to "put all speculation to rest", Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced he will leave office "no later than" 5th February 2048. In an exclusive interview with my good self, Brown said, "I want to finish what I've started, and to be quite honest that could take decades." Brown deflected questions about his potential successor, stating that "I won't discuss that issue until the moment of my departure, when I fully intend to endorse whoever is around at the time!
Brown repeatedly dodged questions from me concerning the worldwide recession and the burgeoning cash for peerages scandal that threatens his legacy. "I have Mandy Mandelson
Looking into the national security implications of this investigation," Brown said. "And according to a draft of the report that I haven't even seen, much less heavily revised, pursuit of the peerages investigation could spell the end of freedom, democracy, Big Brother, and all sorts of other things the public hold dear." Brown indicated that he "would, of course, suspend judgement" until the final report is issued, "which I will have no chance whatsoever to influence."
On the vexing problem of Afghanistan and the Iraq war, Brown was surprisingly upbeat. "Because of the efforts of the coalition of the willing, the Iraqi people now enjoy free elections and a wide variety of cutting-edge vehicular bombs and roadside explosives," Brown said. "This is the most significant feat of British arms since we liberated all those sheep in the Falklands."
Conservative Leader Mr David Cameron was unavailable for comment on Brown's announcement at press time, although a spokesman claimed the Leaders face "turned an astonishing variety of hues" when he learned of it. "It appears that the only realistic chance Cameron now has of becoming Prime Minister is by committing one or more rather violent felonies," said David Ramsbottom, professor of perpetual government at the University of Bootle, Merseyside.
