The entire UK population and a small town in Kent were today shocked at news from a close friend of Ann Widdecombe. According to Lord Douglas Haig, a group of "killer gnomes" carried out a tactical raid on Ms Widdecombe's home sometime between 1:00 AM and her feeding time.
Speaking to ex-children's TV heart throb Mr Benn, Lord Haig said: "The gnomes attacked for no damned reason at all; they were not provoked by me, Ms Widdecombe or Jaqui Spliff". After Mr Benn reminded his lordship that he was not involved in this attack, although Jaqui Spliff could well have been, he let out a belch and ran off.
Sources in the New Scotland Yard say that the gnomes originally came from South Wales and had been angered by Ms Widdecombe's refusal to holiday there. Police who are actually investigating the attack have so far drawn a blank, but have taken Ms Widdecombe into protective police custody "for her own and everyone else's safety".
