OPEN LETTER:
To:
Dennis Smith, Head Master
Elton John, Sports Director
The Our Lady and Covenant School of Kent
Dear Mr Smith and Mr John,
I am very disappointed, indeed shocked with your decision to apologise for your girls basketball victory last week. Just what happened to all that Christian school spirit you showed as you cheered your team to a 150-0 victory over the team from the school for children with learning disabilities? You didn't question your team coaches decisions then. You didn't ask him to pull the starters when it was a mere 58-0 or 88-0 game. No, you cheered right until the end and thanked the Lord for giving you such a clear victory.
No it wasn't until the media-slamistofascists condemned you and the defeatocrats started sending you emails that you changed your tune. Then, all of a sudden, you were apologetic about your victory.
Gordon Brown wouldn't have apologised. Even Maggie Thatcher wouldn't have apologised. And Lord knows, your own MP, The Prince of Darkness Mr Howard, wouldn't have apologised. They'd have framed it as a great victory over the forces of dyslexia and painted the opposing school as a grave and vital threat to everything we hold dear. Just like they and their predecessors did when we defeated the seemingly unstoppable superpowers of Aden-South Yemen and Iraq.
And they'd have found a way to associate my school with the most evil and vile threat of all, condoms. Just like the Apostle Paul did in his epistle about the Trojans.
So now you've learned your lesson. Victory doesn't come from simply crushing a weak opponent on the field of battle. You need to build them up first with a good PR campaign. You need to turn them into the worst thing since Satan. Only then, will your win become a victory.
Heterosexually yours,
Tel.
