We are Closed! Its Official!

Our great country was closed indefinitely today as it was inundated with drift upon drift of pure white death, or "snow" as it is sometimes known.

Practically all branches of Government have been affected by the freezing conditions: the Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, has contracted a cold; the Transport Secretary, Geoff Buff-Hoon is heavily congested; and the Communities Secretary, Hazel Blears, was buried up to her neck in a 3ft drift of snow. Eyewitnesses report that Ms Blears was dug out by passers-by, only to be buried again when they realised who she was.

However there was an exception to the Government's paralysis Lord Mandelson, who is unaffected by Earth weather. A spokesman for Mandy said that the Business Secretary's body temperature had remained a constant five degrees below zero throughout the day, as normal.

In a communication early this morning from his concrete bunker under 10 Downing Street, which has recently been painted in pastel shades in an attempt to combat his rampant anxieties, a shivering Gordon Brown urged people not to move an inch for fear of hastening their inevitable freezing demise.

"Friends my people and countrymen the unprecedented snow crisis we are facing is the result of problems caused by global weather systems, which have their roots in Russia," he said. "I urge everyone to stay exactly where they are and only make a journey if it is absolutely essential and that doesn't include going on strike outside any oil refineries."

"I believe that I’m setting the right example by not moving from this seat. I haven't been to toilet for 30 hours," he added, as his face went a peculiar shade of green. "It's simply too dangerous."
Latest news
Ghurkha soldiers who have recently returned from Iraq have been deployed around London to stop anyone trying to use the capital's transport infrastructure, which has been deemed unfit for human use, closed down and sold off to a farmer in Hungary. A spokesman for Mayor Boris Johnson, who is currently searching for his bicycle in the snow outside his house, said that anyone trying to use public transport in London would be shot or given a fixed penalty notice.
Late latest news
It appears the soldiers have been withdrawn from their positions around the city after it was confirmed that their guns do not work in the cold. The Ministry of Defence denied that their guns did not work in any circumstances, despite being presented with evidence that they did not work in hot weather conditions such as those found in Iraq either. A spokesman said that the weapons had been thoroughly tested in realistic battle conditions in an air-conditioned room in Kent and were without fault.

The soldier’s posts have been taken up by heavily armed civic wardens, thought to be the only branch of the State with the exceptions of Lord Mandelson and Hull City Council's ice cream parlour capable of operating in cold weather.

As it stands at the moment it is not known when Britain is likely to re-open, but a Government spokesman was able to tell our reporter that so far the only casualties of the cold weather were three people in Lewisham, who were tasered to death by civic wardens after trying to get on a bus!