Breaking News, shocking new research out today has revealed that around half of Britons are of below average intelligence.
The research was carried out by a team of academics and pole dancers, based at Oxford and Soho respectively. Professor Trevor Mc Duff, a self-appointed world authority in his field (a particularly muddy one on a farm in Kent) couldn’t explain why he was wearing a frilly pink tutu, although he did comment on his team’s findings. Unfortunately, our reporter was distracted by the pole dancers, so we don’t really know what he said.
Meanwhile, the Conservatives have been quick to condemn the government, Blue Peter and Black cab drivers across the country for the disappointing findings; the government has defended itself, Blue Peter and Jordan, instead choosing to place the blame with the Conservatives; and the Liberal Democrats have made the only sensible response, namely pointing out the rather obvious nature of the findings and the pointlessness of this article, but nobody really listened to them. 
