Network Rail
100’s of Thousands of train passengers across Great Britain were inconvenienced today when trains operated as normal. It seems that a small number of engineering works finished on time, forcing commuters to use cramped rail services rather than cramped replacement bus services.

Coventry commuter Colin Jacks said, "I didn't mind being delayed two hours every day and having to use a smelly old bus, It made a change from the smelly old train. Plus I got to see some different places. Broke things up a bit, like."

Meanwhile passengers in Kent were forced onto overcrowded trains, some of which ran less than 15 minutes late! Similar situations occurred in Yorkshire, albeit with much older and slower trains.

A spokesperson for Network Rail apologised for the state of Britain's railways. "It's unacceptable, we accept that. The critical issue is the longstanding tradition of crapness, cockups and incompetence. It does take time to reverse all that, but at the moment we're not sure which direction we're going in, and we may not be moving at all much like a lot of the trains on our network."

However rail operators have promised to compensate passengers affected by the normal service of Britain's railways, such as if their journey has been delayed or cancelled, by vastly increasing fares.