BNP Youth
The Right Wing British National Party has today just launched its election manifesto for the coming elections, promising the abolition of all ethnic minorities and an end to "the rise of Chami Chakrabarti". "For too long so-called ethnic minorities – and let's be plain about this, by that I mean Fn Jews, Gypsies and those Fn blacks and the Fn bloody Asians, have been taking all of the best jobs, leaving honest British people and by that I mean white people, including Scottish white people in squalid conditions," said the BNP's fuhrer, Nick Griffin. "Just look at the top layer of government, or business or the police there's hardly a white face among them is there?"

Herr Fuhrer Griffin denied that he was playing the race card. "We're not in the business of stereotypes, we're just speaking the truth: the Jews are everywhere, they're practically running the place with their huge wads of cash," he said. "It's time somebody put a stop to it."

The party declined to comment on how it planned to bring about the abolition of ethnic minorities, but in its press briefing it said that it had found a solution and it would be the final one needed.

When it was put to him that the BNP was essentially a single-issue party, Herr Griffin was quick with his denial. "That's not true at all," he replied. "We don't just hate Jews, Gypsies, we hate Blacks and Asians and Eastern bloody Europeans as well."

The fuhrer was then challenged that his policies were all concerned with race, something which he also denied. " Look we're against white people who don't look white too!

Whilst edging towards the exit, our fearless reporter suggested that this strategy might split the racist bigot vote come election day. "No, I don't think so," responded Herr Griffin, as two immaculately dressed burly gentlemen began making their way towards our reporter. "Nigel Farage is a ****, everybody knows that."

Starting to run, our reporter conceded that this was probably true, but put it to Herr Griffin that his party was nothing but a bunch of racist thugs and nobody with half a brain would fall for their bigoted propaganda. "We're not thugs," Herr Griffin said, as a further five gentlemen of equally large proportions sprang up from their seats, wielding a variety of weapons. "And if you print that we'll –"

DSS would like to apologise for missing the end of the BNP's press conference as its reporter had an urgent appointment in the back of a speeding getaway car.