Swine Flu Symptoms
Professor Tomas Aubrey was talking exclusively to DSS about the spread of Swine Flu here in the UK.

"For example," said Professor Aubrey, "a child contracts swine flu in Aberdeen, and passes it on to another child by attacking and biting the other child. Soon, that child begins to vomit blood from the eyes, and the eye-blood vomit can also pass on the virus. Suddenly, all of Scotland is dead. That's pretty much the science of it."


Aubrey says that everyone inside the W.H.O agrees that once swine flu has decided to pursue humanity, "nothing can stop its hunger from devouring all human flesh on Earth."

When pressed, Aubrey clarified that the virus does not actually eat human flesh, "but it might as well."

A woman I bumped into in the street said, "My husband and I make over £250,000 a year, and even our son has the swine flu," said one tearful mother from Edinburgh,"It just goes to show you that it can happen to anyone."

Her son is expected to make a full recovery, but will live the rest of his life with a complete immunity to future swine flu outbreaks.

Nonetheless, it appears that most of the country and almost certainly you is headed for a bleak future. Aubrey detailed what UK residents may expect in the near future.

"First we'll lose the cities," he said. "Glasgow, London, Birmingham. Then the flu will hit the schools, killing off our children. Once the urban areas have been ravaged by the walking dead, and looted by Chavs, the suburbs will be hit. Eventually, all human life will be snuffed out, and the virus will jump to the next most delicious meat.
Probably Whales."

Many Brits expressed outrage that it turned out to be swine flu, not the popular, yet ineffective avian flu from distant past, which will bring about the apocalypse.

"We were told for years, 'Not enough flu vaccines for bird flu!' or 'More People in China died from bird flu,’” said Brighton resident Mick Swaffer. "And now it's 'swine flu' this and 'pig what ever’? These scientists should get real jobs."