At a news conference that took place late this afternoon, President Obama announced that the USA and the CIA had operated secret web-pages on the social networking site facebook.com in an effort to fight terror suspects.
President Obama stressed that the U.S. does not torture terror suspects, except for when it does. He did say, however, that the methods used on Facebook to attempt to gain information from them are "alternative".
"Much of what we do on Facebook is not 'by the book'," he admitted, "but the Internet is an invaluable tool for fighting terror, and we cannot ignore it."
Analysts speculate that a variety of psychological attacks designed to break down a terror suspect's mental barriers were likely used.
"For example, the CIA made a Facebook page that was purportedly the personal page of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh, even though it wasn’t really," explained one CIA agent under condition of anonymity. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (Arabic: خالد شيخ محمد; also transliterated as Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, and additionally known by at least fifty aliases)
"Then, when the Sheikh logged on, he found that people think he said things that he totally didn't, and then everyone thinks he's a real jerk. At that point, frustrated, he agrees to tell our government valuable terror secrets in exchange for letting his online friends know that he was just trippin'." And it worked a treat, as Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was captured in Rawalpindi, Pakistan on March 1, 2003 once the CIA tracked his IP address.
"Hey, we even got Khalid Sheik plastered and drew like eight cocks on his face," snickered another anonymous CIA agent. "Then we wrote on him, 'I love the cock,' so people would fully get the message that he's totally gay. Then we put the pictures up on Facebook, and there you go. Instant confession of like six major attacks that were going to happen."
Other possible tactics cited include posting messages on terrorist suspects' actual profiles alluding to their ugliness, as well as posting pictures of underage terrorist suspects on Facebook, then showing the College Dean and getting them in huge trouble. Some suspects were even called "totally gay", according to some sources.
