Torrential Rain
The UK has been pummelled by day after day of torrential rain, causing flooding and property damage. But forecasters and emergency officials caution that the worst is not yet over, and that we should all be on the lookout for pseudo-poets and angry teenagers with blogs, encouraged by the bad weather to express their pedantic feelings in "Oh so terrible, damaging ways".

"The River Severn is going to crest tomorrow, but what's of paramount concern to us right now is the fact that many people still have Internet access, and could be subjected to stupid, crappy poetry or a blog entry that attempts to draw a tenuous, overwrought link between the rain and feelings," said emergency services co-ordinator Stephen Faust. "We are recommending the complete evacuation of people from their homes to avoid this catastrophe."

In fact, peoples of the entire world could be affected by the flooding simply by reading the self-involved shit of flood victims or wish-to-be victims.

"Globalisation and technology have turned a matter that would have been limited to one region of one country just 20 years ago into a world-wide crisis," Faust said grimly. "This is potentially more damaging than the swine flu by a factor of 150 million."

Officials are even in the process of dumping excess water into rivers like the Severn and the Thames in an effort to get the flooding up to homes and businesses as fast as possible, thereby discouraging Internet activity from those in flood zones.

"It's a real mess out here, but it's still not nearly bad enough to get the online crew teenagers out of this community," shouted emergency worker Graham Gorpe outside the small village of Kintbury, thrusting bucket after bucket of water into the river Kennet. "If we don't force these kids out by noon tomorrow, we're going to have a serious problem on our hands."

Already, a few deaths have been attributed to the storms; one Liverpool man was killed after trying to pry his son away from the computer, where the young man was caught helpless in front of the blog of a former friend-turned-poetry murderer. Sadly, both were killed.

"Rains, flowing through the streets / the streets of my soul / I see the drops of water / And they are filled with skulls," read the first few lines of the offending poem. For safety purposes, the Merseyside police are recommending that the entire poem not be reprinted.

Several people have also been hospitalised with severe hives and temporary blindness, two common reactions to pretentious, hyperbolic blog entries, according to Dr. Andrew Finnley at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Bristol.

"A patient came in earlier with a particularly severe reaction. She told me she had seen a blog that began, 'I am reminded of the tragic, catastrophic, tragedy that occurred in Humberside, and I can now know exactly what my sisters and brothers in Hull went through,'" said Finnley with a shudder. "Frankly, I'm surprised the patient wasn't paralysed."

Another victim, currently in intensive care, accidentally read a blog that attempted to draw parallels between the storm and the Labour party.
For the hundreds of thousands of others, who have been less severely injured by second-hand exposure to such blog entries and poems, medical professionals recommend a long period of rest, away from sources of possible idiocy.

"If you're not feeling well due to the effects of reading the thoughts of someone who has been given entirely too much self-esteem relative to their skills, you should take a few days off of work, off of the roads, and away from the Internet," said Dr. Finnley. "Read a good book, or, failing that, stare at your floor tiles or carpeting for a while."