Conservative Leader David Cameron today announced new regulations designed to bring the party together after the huge damage caused by the MPs expense claims fiasco. All party members will be required to shave their heads or "go bald the natural way like Shadow Foreign Secretary and Senior Member of the Shadow Cabinet the Rt Hon Mr William Hague."
MPs will also have to wear armbands sporting the party logo, and Europhile ministers, including the Shadow Secretary of State for Business,Enterprise and Regulatory Reform Mr Ken Clarke, will be forced to sew yellow stars (representing the European flag) onto their suits.
The rules don't stop there, though. According to Mr Cameron insiders, MPs who speak out against him or display dissent will be sent to "concentrating camps", where they can "concentrate on the issues they should be talking about to the public, like the Economy, NHS, Crime, Immigration, War on Terror, Asylum Seekers and the Euro".
Mr Cameron also plans to attract younger people to the Conservative party by setting up a new organisation, called The Cameron Youth. During a press conference at a bridge club in Stockport, spokesman and Chairman of the Conservative Party Eric Pickles dribbled intensively, and also managed to tell bored journalists and a few confused pensioners that the plans would "undoubtedly be a fantastic success, as we can see from the crowds of excited young people here today".
Other measures designed to encourage the youth vote include mandatory attendance of Margaret Thatcher at all party gatherings, annual "activity weekends" in Scarborough consisting of a draughts tournament and a "discotheque", and free "I'm a Tory and I'm proud of it" pin badges and party hats for all members under the age of 35.
parliamentoffowls
Would be funny if it wasn't so true. At the time of the last election we in Conservative Future (I've since grown up and left the party) called ourselves the Howard Youth. It was obviously our own joke, but it shows what the Tory mindset is still. Have nothing against Howard himself, just the little minions that now can't wait to get to the trough themselves.