The Dead Synapses Society

Joe Jackson the father of pop singer and once accused child molester Michael Jackson has reported that his son has possibly left the Terrestrial surface for good and may never return. Mr. Jackson told reporters that, "He is launching a new record label and that he has many great artists signed up, Oh, and you bastards drove my boy out this living world with your false accusations. You made fun of his nose and all of his Surgery. You made fun of his love for little boys. You made fun of the way he dressed and talked and acted. I hope you are all proud of yourselves!"

Speculation was heavy among the mourning community where Jackson would decide to settle on the spiritual plains. While the consensus was that he would most enjoy haunting an NCH Children’s home, other ideas were however proposed.

"I see Michael moving through the universe and using his musical talents to help train the angels and work with the world famous Vienna Boys Choir," said sister Janet.

James Earl Jones did not feel that Jackson would go back to his roots. "Are you kidding," he said. "Michael would not go back to an African spiritual home! He has spent his whole life trying to change from a black man into a white woman; what would an African spiritual plain have to offer him?"

French actor Maurice Chevalier said via a medium that he could not see Jackson coming to his heaven. In my heaven, we thank heaven for little girls, and that just does not seem much like Michael."

In its continuing efforts in the war against terrorism, the government has ordered around 300 soldiers from the SAS into Afghanistan. It has been widely reported in the media that the soldiers are from the Special Air Service, and after hours of extensive research involving lots of books and a Camel Washer called Mohammed, DSS has uncovered the truth...

DSS can reveal that the men are actually from the Special Hair Service and were sent in following the liberation of the eastern province of Khost, by UK Defence Secretary Des Browne.

US intelligence, which until recently was thought to have been permanently lost somewhere in Alaska, reported the presence of "bearded terrorists" near the capital Kabul, Kandahar Province.

Our squadron of military barbers in the SHS were immediately deployed to "sort out a very hairy situation". It has been emphasised, however, that the troops were not put at any unnecessary risk, and were even issued with "plastic safety scissors", just to be on the safe side.

"OUR SCISSORS YOUR HAIR"

Senior Medical Professor Thomas Svensen of The London Clinic said that, “this is one of the most unbelievable findings in medical history” the Professor concluded with, “we always thought the only danger of being fat was killing yourself for being a fat slob.”

While the findings may be a surprise for some, there are quite a few people who have known this for a very long time. Sharon Kimble of Brentwood, Essex, a participant in the study told us, “I knew something wasn’t right. They made me drink condensed Pig testicle lard for 10 months. Once I hit 753 pounds, I sorta knew I wasn’t healthy. I could hear my heart pumping and I broke out in a sweat just trying to reach my lard shake.”

We hit the streets of Glasgow, Scotland, The Least Athletic City in the UK according to a major magazine, and spoke with various obesity experts (people that we saw were overweight) and found that this news was in fact shocking. “You mean to tell me that every time I eat too much food I gain weight? You’re tellin me that eating 18 meals a day for a total of 12,000 calories can make me sick? I ken that now! You just may have saved ma life”, said one obesity expert.

After we broke the news to yet another expert, that expert reportedly threw his quadruple deep fried Mars Bar pancake snack with extra chocolate in the trash, bought exercise shorts along with a heart rate monitor and was seen being struck by a car while jogging with a crazed look on his face.

These astounding findings could change the way we all look at fast food. Nutrition expert, Sammy Jones said, “I think this is exactly what this country needs. Maybe now that people know being fat isn’t healthy, they just might change their ways.”

Michael Jackson died of so called undetermined causes on Thursday in the US. He was 50. Jackson's eccentric personal life, as well as his unexpected death, raise all sorts of questions. Here is my, Michael Jackson FAQ.

Would MJ’s MoonWalk have been easier to do on the Moon?

Well the facts are that the lunar gravitational environment, which exerts roughly put at one-sixth of the earth's pull may seem favourable to soft shoeing, however humans are actually extremely clumsy on the moon. The habitual movements we make while walking on Earth are far too forceful for lunar walking, which is why, even after extensive training, astronauts hop rather than walk. If Michael Jackson attempted his trademark move on the moon, he would fly into the air rather than sliding backward.

Also those space suits make dancing difficult: They don't move with the wearer like a pair of poorly tailored black pants since they are pressurised with oxygen to approximate earthly conditions. While specialised joints improve the pliability of the space suit, flexing your legs on the moon is a bit like trying to bend an inflated football on earth.

However, if Michael Jackson had £1 for every time someone did the moonwalk, he wouldn't have had his financial troubles.

Could he have licensed his dance moves?

This is a difficult one, probably only the more complicated sequences. Since 1976, federal law in the USA has allowed for the copyrighting of "pantomimes and choreographic works" but not of isolated dance steps. So while Michael Jackson could surely have safeguarded the rights to the "Thriller" video choreography, he likely could not have licensed the moonwalk. (Besides, the moonwalk was probably not an original work.) Jackson does hold a patent on the specialised shoes he used in the leaning sequence of the "Smooth Criminal" video.

Michael Jackson's 1983 hit "Wanna Be Startin' Something' " contains the repeated phrase "Ma-ma-se, ma-ma-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa." What does that mean?

Actually most of it means nothing, but the end references an African musical genre. "Makossa" originated on the streets of Cameroon in the 1960s and features a guitar accompanied by a stick-and-bottle percussion section. In 1971, saxophonist Manu Dibango released the song "Soul Makossa" a modernised fusion of the style with jazz and soul as a B-side to an anthem for the Cameroonian national soccer team. After an American label re-released the song, it became an international hit. Jackson then lifted the chant from Dibango's tune for use in "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'." (Dibango sued Jackson for copyright infringement in 1983 and eventually reached a settlement with him for an undisclosed amount.)

Who will take custody of Jackson's children?

My initial response, is someone nearly normal I hope!

It's way too early to know for sure what is going to happen.
Jackson family attorney claims that all three children will go to Michael's mother, Katherine. But the three face different legal circumstances. Debbie Rowe, the mother of the two older children, attempted to relinquish parental rights in 2001 but had the order reversed two years later. While this would likely play against her in a court battle, judges are generally reluctant to deny the custody claim of the sole surviving parent.

Jackson's youngest; Prince Michael II (also known as "Blanket") was born to a surrogate mother. If the legal side of the surrogate procedure was handled properly, the surrogate cannot now obtain custody. She would be, legally speaking, a stranger to the child. If, however, her parental rights were never properly extinguished, her claim to custody would ride on a variety of factors, including whether she was Blanket's egg donor. If a custody battle ensues, Jackson's family will likely stress the importance of keeping the three children together.

Breaking News, is that Diana Ross, of the 60s African-American trio known as Diana Ross and The Supremes has begged Macaulay Culkin for custody of Michael Jackson's beloved chimpanzee Bubbles.

Earlier reports stated that Michael Jackson had left everything to his devoted little friend Macaulay Culkin.

Miss Ross who said that she and Michael were so close that he could have been her biological son said that Michael had a lot of pets.

Miss Ross said that another time his pet rat Ben, whom his hit song was named after, tried to kiss her on the mouth while she was eating a cheeseburger.

But even though, most of Michael's 28 pets did give her the creeps, she was always very fond of his pet chimpanzee Bubbles. Ross said that Bubbles got his name from the Lawrence Welk Show, which Michael loved watching.

The good news is that Michael Jackson's attorney Uranus Childs has informed Miss Ross, that Macaulay Culkin has agreed to turn over custody of MJ's pet chimpanzee to her.

Recently deceased POP icon Michael Jackson expressed disappointment over the reception granted to him by the host of angels responsible for interning new souls into the land of eternal bliss, as newcomer Farrah Fawcett’s arrival turned Heaven into a free-for-all.

Even St. Peter, seeking an autograph from the 70’s superstar, could not be bothered to welcome the King of Pop to Elysian Fields in a timely fashion, much to the former entertainer's consternation.

"It's like, doesn't my courageous battle with plastic surgery and physical pain count for anything?" asked Jackson.

Farrah’s perfected heavenly body roundly bests Michael Jackson's bizarre eternal appearance that he has chosen for himself, which observers say is a cross between a giant diaper-wearing, rattle-holding child and a zombie.

"No, it's fine," Jacko said, shrugging his shoulders furiously. "Yeah, all I did was eventually succumb to the pain that I heroically fought. How did Farrah die eh?” In response Farrah said, “How did Michael die, did his nose finally gain sentience and murder him?"

Yet away from the spiritual plains, here back on earth Farrah will always be remembered for her iconic hairstyle, being an empowering figure to all women, and looking super-bangable.

News of Fawcett's passing doesn't look to be able to compete with the death of Jackson, the man responsible for hits like '"Thriller", "Pretty Young Thing", and the eerily prescient "Cardiac Arrest Is My Worst Enemy".

Essex based “Bunny Farm Ltd” announced today new Bunny Farm franchising opportunities for the UK. Entrepreneurs are being invited to review franchising contracts and become part of the new Bunny Farm Corporation family, which is the largest legal “sex for money” operation in the United Kingdom.

The Essex Bunny Farm Corporation, best known for its fine selection of porn stars and playmate quality ladies was founded on the belief that everyone has a right to get laid. Popular with both business and leisure visitors, the new Bunny Farm Corporation hopes to eventually place franchises strategically throughout the United Kingdom.

This new and amazing business opportunity is not going forward without it’s fair share of resistance from local residents. Many people feel that the franchise will bring a new wave of STD’s to both the local residents as well as area livestock. “Dem bad dicks comin up her and spreadin dem dare disorders and the like, makes me as nervous as a ewe on heat on a welsh mountain.” said Jasper Jenkins from Southport, Merseyside. His fears are shared by many, including local church groups and Boy Scout troops.

“These fears are completely unfounded” stated Lionel Member, Marketing Director, Bunny Farm Corp “In the entire history of the Bunny Farm Corporation, our employees have never given an STD to any form of livestock.” continued Lionel. Lionel then corrected himself by saying, “Ok, there was the one time that a horse got gonnaherpeclap; but that was because he refused to wear a condom after multiple warnings.”

Lionel also says that this will bring many new jobs for area woman and cause a huge boost to the local economy. “We are offering UK woman the opportunity to better themselves, help others, and support their community. There are also plans in place for area franchises to sponsor local sports clubs and junior sports teams. “This is just one more way we plan to fully integrate ourselves into the community and offer additional community services.”

While the legalities of this business opportunity are still being drawn out, local council leaders nation-wide have stated that there will be no attempt to interfere with the development so long as they are provided with “season passes” to the “new team” that is “starting a franchise” in “there area”. It should also be noted that council leaders were seen winking wildly and nudging each other while giggling like school children as they made that statement.

One of the UK’s most senior judges has been cleared by one of Britain's most senior judges of exposing himself twice to a woman whilst shopping in a Marks & Spencer’s food store, located in Ludgate Hill, London.

Sir William Pompemby, 56, of Thames Ditton, Surrey, was accused of flashing at the same woman whilst shopping in other stores in the area on 16th and 24th March 2009.

But the Court of Appeals judge told magistrates the allegations were a case of mistaken identity, as photographs of the judge "could have been any 56 year old judge by the name of Sir William Pompemby".

City of Westminster magistrates said the evidence to identify Sir William was insufficient, as the victim photographing him twice on separate occasions, following him from the store to his place of work, and seeing his cock in a packed food outlet, were all inadmissible in the court said Senior District Judge Justin Walderslade, who will now not have to find a new golf partner.

Judge Walderslade blamed in store security for "failing to investigate and identify someone who wasn't a judge".

"Had they done so, we would never have been in this unfortunate position," he said.

Sir William was cleared by his fellow judge after being identified in a video identity parade after demonstrating that it was impossible to extract one's penis through the front of a pair of underpants with a slot designed to extract one's penis.

Judge Walderslade conceded that the female victim had told "nothing but the truth" in court, but insisted that "we can't go around locking up judges for minor sexual offences. The courts would grind to a halt, making a mockery of the British justice system".

Maidstone Borough Council Licensing Department have withdrawn the operating license for a High Street Sex Shop in the town, following numerous complaints from customers.

"I bought my wife a vibrator from there," Mr Henry Stannard told us. "It was just not right.
When she used it she would start thrashing around, sighing, groaning, tearing the pillowcases, and foaming at the mouth. All I used to get was a bored sigh and the odd grunt. It's just not right."

Most people were quick to condemn the store and its products, but we did manage to find one staunch supporter.

Mr Andrew Smith from Coxheath told us:

"I bought the wife a vibrator from Naughty Sue's Sex Shop but frankly, it just didn't cut the mustard with her. She'd toss it aside and beg for old chunky. I don't think the shop does any harm and I don't think it deserved to have its license revoked. It's all just a crock of shit as far as I'm concerned."

Iran "Supreme Leader" Ali Khamenei fired a direct salvo against the UK last Friday, Saying that the British Government was "The most evil of them all."

Perhaps he had just finished reading the full expose by the Telegraph on MP’s expenses?

But no, the real significance of Ali Khamenei’s comments and strange accusation against Britain has generally been missed.

A major sign of Iran's underdevelopment is the culture of rumour and paranoia that attributes all ills to the manipulation of various demons and Satan’s. And, of course, the long and rich history of British imperial intervention in Persia does provide some support for the notion. But you have no idea how deep is the primitive belief that it is the Anglo-Saxons, more even than the Jews who are perceived as the puppet masters of everything that happens in Iran.

Throughout the 70’s and early 80s the “Brit Plot” theory of Iranian history really took hold, to the point were they even made a fabulously popular Iranian TV series on the subject.

One of the leading clerics of the so-called Guardian Council, Ahmad Jannati, announced in a nation-wide broadcast that the bombings in London on July 7, 2005, was the “creation” of the British government itself.

This claim made back in 2005 sounds mild when compared with the ravings and gibberings that are now issued from the Khamenei pulpit. Here is a man who hasn't even heard that his favourite conspiracy theory is a long-standing joke among his own people. And these ravings and gibberings have real-world consequences of which at least three should be highlighted:

1. There is nothing at all that any Western country can do to avoid the charge of intervening in Iran's foreign affairs. The deep belief that everything especially anything in English is already and by definition an intervention is part of the very identity and ideology of the theocracy.

2. It is a mistake to assume that the ayatollahs, cynical and corrupt as they may be, are acting rationally. They are frequently in the grip of archaic beliefs and fears that would make a stupefied medieval European peasant seem mentally sturdy and resourceful by comparison.

3. The tendency of outside media to check the temperature of the clerics, rather than consult the writers and poets of the country, shows our own cultural backwardness in regrettably sharp relief. Anyone who had been reading Pezeshkzad and Nafisi, or talking to their students and readers in Tabriz and Esfahan and Mashad, would have been able to avoid the awful embarrassment by which everything that has occurred on the streets of Iran during recent days has come as one surprise after another to most of our uncultured "experts."

That last observation also applies to the US administration. Want to take a non-interventionist position? All right, then, take a non-interventionist position. This would mean not referring to Khamenei in fawning tones as the supreme leader and not calling Iran itself by the tyrannical title of "the Islamic republic." But be aware that nothing will stop the theocrats from slandering you for interfering anyway. Also try to bear in mind that one day you will have to face the young Iranian democrats who risked their all in the battle and explain to them just what you were doing when they were being beaten and gassed.

Hint: Don't make your sole reference to Iranian dictatorship an allusion to a British-organised coup in 1953; the mullahs think that it proves their main point, and this generation has more immediate enemies to confront.

References:
Azar Nafisi - Reading Lolita in Tehran

A female suicide bomber detonated a vest filled with explosives at a university in Baghdad yesterday, killing more than 40 people. This got me to considering, that if male martyrs can expect to find 72 virgin maidens in paradise when they die, what rewards can female suicide bombers expect? There Husbands?

The Quran itself describes little about the specifics of the afterlife, but it does note that believers will find huris, or maidens "of modest gaze, whom neither man nor jinni will have touched before them." (Every believer can end up in heaven; martyrs are really lucky though, as they just get there faster.)

Respected commentator Al-Tirmidhi said in a hadith that every man will have six dozen huris in heaven, but very few commentators enumerated the rewards for women. Ninth-century scholar Al-Tabarani did argue that women will be reunited with their husbands in the next world, and those who had multiple husbands can pick the best one to be their eternal spouse.(Other commentators added that a woman who never married can marry any man she wants in paradise.)

From the 9th through the 12th centuries, Muslim scholars described paradise as a place of sensual delights for men. They debated whether men remained married to their wives in heaven, whether they could have sex with the virgins, and whether the heavenly virgins had anuses. (Some said there was no need for elimination in the afterlife.)

There was even disagreement on the number of virgins assigned to each man. While Al-Tirmidhi said it was 72, Mulla Ali Qari, an 11th-century imam, counted 70 virgins and two human wives. Imam Al-Bayhaqi was more generous, granting men 500 wives, 4,000 virgins, and 8,000 previously married women. The meaning of the word hur is also open to interpretation, since it reads as "white raisins" when translated as a Syriac rather than Arabic word.

Women may not get these particular perks, but religious commentaries argue that paradise will make them beautiful, happy, and without jealousy. The fact that they fasted and worshipped Allah during their earthly lives will also make them superior to the virgins, who only exist in heaven. Some modern clerics argue that in heaven, husbands never grow bored of their wives, even with so many huris around. That may explain why some would-be female suicide bombers have spoken of becoming "chief of the 72 virgins, the fairest of the fair."

Is it just me or am I missing something here? Hello would be Muslim suicide bombers everywhere, its time to open up your minds to the plain fact that this stuff is absolute panse. I mean believing in such idiotic, idiosyncratic, archaic nonsense just belittles ones intellect doesn’t it?

It’s like believing in the coming of Christ and all believers are going to rise up from their slumber and join him in perpetual joy in heaven!

Oh, please, I need a beer!

At the British Grand Prix today and following his poor performance, producing another dismal result in this weekend’s race, Lewis Hamilton has announced he may take legal action against the McLaren F1 Team for his total loss of Charisma.

Speaking through a strange voice changer helmet for dramatic effect, Lewis explained his Dad had brought a laptop computer and a commercially available racing game entitled "I’m Lewis and I’m not a Talentless Twat".

Seeming to become emotional (although who could tell because of the helmet) his father took up the narrative. "I took the programme and put it in the computer and I couldn't believe what was on the screen."

Everything pointed to McLaren being totally at fault for Lewis's poor performance - he had absolutely nothing to do with it at all. If the car spun off, it was their fault, if Lewis was passed at the start, it was their fault. It was quite amazing continued the animated Mr Hamilton, with Lewis bobbing about at his side - its all their fault - we want
Recognition for Lewis’s efforts and if this run of losses continues. Compensation!

At this point from behind a pillar - placed there for exactly that reason - Max Clifford appeared. "We intend to cause the biggest upset the world of Formula One Motor Racing has ever seen" he said - "I have personally contacted both Bernie (the bolt) Eccleston and Max (Nazi Whipper) Mosley - and we are holding a joint press conference tomorrow afternoon".

No one is sacred - the sleaze, the corruption, the tawdry sex lives - it all there in my book "Max - Does – Grand Prix".

Anyway, back to formula One - Lewis has a good strong case (after all he keeps his toys in it). No stone will be left unturned everyone needs a sporting chance and we think Lewis has been denied this ever since they told him (secretly) that he would be racing without an engine (collective gasps arose from the assembled press pack.). It's true, wailed the strange helmeted fading champion, they told me I would now just have to run very, very very fast.

*Another poor performance is expected in the next race, and the next etc etc etc.

Sir John was speaking at Mansion House this afternoon:

Best Quote:

"Susan Boyle has done wonders for the fight against terrorism, now that all Muslims now know what a virgin actually looks like, they aren't so sure about suicide bombing!"

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is praising a revolutionary new drug designed to treat 298 different diseases and conditions.

"This medication will consolidate a whole host of other treatments. It gets out all the clutter. It cuts the fat. This is what's good for the United Kingdom," said Brown at a press conference held at pharmaceutical giant Glaxo SmithKline Beecham’s research centre in Cambridge, this afternoon. "The elderly will save money, families will save money, you all will save money."

The mega-pharmaceutical corporation has created a mega-solution with its bold new drug, Cureallotofitmate (suptahealmeum sulphate). The 500 milligram pill reportedly inspired improvement in a range of cancers and degenerative diseases during clinical trials.

The patients studied suffered from over 500 different maladies; improvements were observed in 298 areas of human illness. The most significant categories were: Lymphoma, Leukaemia, Lung cancer, Prostate cancer, Breast cancer, Diabetes, ME, Flu, Paralysis, Alzheimer's disease, AIDS (HIV), Schizophrenia, Autism, ADHD, Heart disease, Osteoporosis, Multiple sclerosis, Muscular dystrophy, Meningitis, Hypoglycaemia, Lupus, Anaemia, and Haemophilia.

"This breakthrough may lead to the end of human suffering as we know it," boasted company CEO Adam Pillhawker. "There just isn’t anything better out there."

The drug's side effects however can include any of the following: Nausea, Insomnia, Cold sweats, Serious rashes, Anal seepage, Depression, Weight gain, Runny nose, Bloody nose, Chills, Sepsis, Diarrhoea, Headaches, Stroke, Heart attack, Tremors, and Mild to Moderate Death.

Other major pharmaceutical companies are also scrambling to create universal solutions. Bayer is stepping up efforts to develop a similar treatment streamlined to treat 72 different forms of cancer, but scientists have been struggling with the formula. The drug is unpredictable when used alongside chemotherapy. Pfizer officials said today that they will also hire a new team of scientists soon to look at developing more combined care alternatives.

"I believe this product has the chance to heal the masses and do the work of God across our great country," said Brown, before discussing the shortfall in the NHS budget. Brown's new idea is to eliminate the budget shortfall immediately, by awarding huge tax cuts for the rich and famous.

"Hey, we're going to lose them some time anyway," Mr Brown added.

Efforts by married couple Stuart and Ann Thomas to revitalise their marriage have been thwarted by the pair's incontrovertible ugliness, as revealed by the very hot sex that they had hoped would inject a boost of energy into their fledgling sex life.

Instead of a newfound zeal for each other and increased romance, Stuart explained that the malaise of an a-sexual marriage has been replaced by repulsion at the thought of frequent intercourse, a sentiment that his wife concedes is mutual.

"Yep, married life has been pretty boring lately, but that's better than horrifying, which is what it became when I caught a glimpse of my wife's weird and misshapen body when the moonlight hit her just right," said a disgusted Stuart. "She was amenable to my suggestion that we try something 'new', and it wasn't all that bad, until we tried doggy-style and I saw how bad her back-acne was."

Stuart compared the situation to trying to masturbate in a nursing home bathroom, and that he had to fake an orgasm for the first time in his life.

"It was a humiliating experience for everyone involved, and I hope that it is not soon revisited," lamented the frustrated Stuart.

Stuart's wife Ann echoed his sentiments, stating that endeavours to increase the passion in the room only aroused contempt between the two.

"Don't ask me how it is that I came to be staring at his butt for half of the sex, but I did and now I think I'm scarred for life," said the distraught spouse. "I wish I could call it a 'noble effort', but the damage is irreparable, and now every time I look at his face, I'm going to be thinking of the look he made while trying to concentrate on bringing himself to climax."

Despite trying heretofore un-attempted positions, mostly derived from Stuart’s pocket-sized Kama Sutra (won at the neighbourhood community centre '08 Christmas party), each proved to be more luckless than the previous.

"I never knew that the back of someone's knee could smell so bad," lamented the male Thomas, declining to expound upon the statement.

Both Thomas’s agreed independently that sex, if they ever have it again, is best done in a robotic, eyes-closed fashion, which they describe as "the secret to their success " before their disastrous attempts to introduce a little pleasure into their married life.

Stuart claims that, despite netting zero results thus far, that he and his wife are far from done trying ways to spice up their lives. Should vain attempts at passionate sex remain fruitless, Stuart is considering other fructifying remedies.

"If the sex keeps fading out, I could always start drinking heavily," suggested the desperate husband. "Sometimes when I come home at night after my locals darts league and I've had a few, something happens that makes me think that maybe she's not all that bad, and that a good shag would actually make me sleep better that night. Maybe drinking is the best thing for us."

Other options that Stuart is considering to help save his marriage include buying a fast car, going to counselling at the Catholic Church he and his wife attend, or having illicit relations with a mistress. "Saving my marriage might turn out to be a lot of fun," expressed an optimistic Stuart.

The government yesterday denied that Iran was "next on the list" of countries the Coalition intends to invade after it has finished in Iraq. "We have absolutely no intention of invading Iran, just like we had no intention of invading Iraq," explained the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, in the Commons. "However, the Iranian government must look carefully at both the re-election of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and its nuclear programme, if it wants to avoid an invasion that we have no intention of carrying out."

The Foreign Secretary, David Miliband MP, also moved to quash fears of an imminent invasion. "There is no list and Iran is not next on it," he told journalists at a press conference. "North Korea is, Iran comes after that."

Hilary Benn MP, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, has meanwhile told friends that he will resign from the government if Britain invades Iran, North Korea, Syria or any other country. Military analysts say that an invasion could take place within weeks, but with some aircraft carriers and troops already heading home Iran may, unlike Mr Benn, be safe, for now.

The Iranian government was said to be pleased that the country did not face military attack in the near future but tripled its orders for enriched uranium, sand bags and anti-aircraft guns "just in case".

An attempt to sign the former Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, to front press briefings in the event of conflict has, however, run into difficulties. As Mr Saeed al-Sahraf is contracted to Abu Dhabi Television for 10 episodes of "Al-Sahhaf's War, Saddam and My Part in his Downfall."

The UK has recently been informed that Eastern Europeans are sneaking into the UK, picking tomatoes, working in factories, our pubs and hotels, founding plumbing companies, and generally making us look a tad lazy. Apparently this behaviour has been going on for some time; it’s really surprising that no one noticed before now. (There are two Bosnian Ph.D. students in the Hospital where I work, I’m surprised they have time to take the jobs of hard-working British Apple-pickers, since no matter what hour I go to the hospital they’re at A&E waiting for the next delivery.

From an economic point of view, this means that Eastern Europeans who would have been possibly assembling parts for Japanese companies in Warsaw are now assembling them in places like Swindon. More of their products will be stamped "Made In GB," lowering their perceived reliability, maybe!

Those Awful Immigrants! Or Is It Us?

We instinctively fear and hate "the outsider"… even though Brits now come from every place on Earth, and few people apart from Nick Griffin suggest that any ethnic group be forcibly returned (except for those lazy, Brit afro Caribbean’s). Also, in modern times our fear of those outside the tribe is a little misplaced. No roving nomad can actually come and take your tribe’s favourite patch without paying for it… with the exception of any large developer who pays your city council to use eminent domain and turn your patch into a commercial development. But those large developers are rarely illegal immigrants.

From the very political structured beginning of the UK, British politicians have made emotional political capital out of the fear of foreign devils. In recent history, the 1700s, it was those irresponsible French and Spanish who would threaten our "essentially English" culture (presumably from their excessive lavish fashion, multiple relationships and thrift). After the Irish had become our second-largest ethnicity, worry turned to the aforementioned lazy, Caribbean’s. The Irish in turn having become so popular that more people claim to be Irish than really are, other groups replaced them as the menace o’ the day. The social services hugging Asians, the un-Christian Jews, the too-Catholic Italians, even latterly the obscure Croatians; all this teeming refuse and more deluged our shores. In 1910, 26.7 percent of UK residents were foreign born, much higher than today’s 18 percent or so.

Thankfully, not all the European Jews were kept from escaping to the UK before WWII. Though many thousands kept out by immigration restrictions went to unnecessary deaths in the Holocaust, at least most of the nuclear physicists managed to escape involuntary employment under Hitler. Jingoists should think really hard about an alternate WWII where Germany had not only the best jet aircraft, the most advanced cruise and ballistic missiles, but nuclear bombs as well.

When the best and brightest people can flee to the most peaceful and freest nations, the whole world is safer isn’t it?

DSS Exclusive:

BNP Euro MP Mr Nick Griffin, once a regular Church goer and devout Christian, has sensationally admitted to DSS that he has turned his back on Christianity and now worships the dark prince on a daily basis.

Mr Griffin, whose great-grandfather was Griffin Von Griffon , says the frustration of sitting watching Primeministers question time, week in, week out at his party office in New Eltham,London, was a crucial factor in his conversion to the darkside: "I never get a chance. I thought to myself, 'What kind of God would let this happen?’ Have I not prayed and cast out devils in the name of Jesus Christ? Yes, yes I have but our God is unjust and cruel. Letting white Europeans starve and Jews pursue Nazi militants is one thing, but leaving a talent like me to rot in the political wilderness is just not on; so I decided worshipping Beelzebub was the way to go".

Mr Griffin has taken to sticking pins into Gordon Brown and David Cameron voodoo dolls as well as wearing a goat mask, drinking bats' blood and sacrificing innocent virgins while chanting, "Commodo planto meus secui populus in Iunctus Regnum quod totus Muslims evanui" - Which is latin for "Please make my party popular in the United Kingdom and all Muslims disappear." He says he's having a lot of fun in the process: "These black masses are a good laugh. It sure beats listening to a priest blabber on about Adam and Eve and Noah and his fucking Arc!"

White House spokeswoman Stephanie Anderson today announced the imminence of "major changes" in the upper echelons of the British government "in order to give a better deal to the British people."

Gordon Brown is widely tipped to be removed from the post of Prime Minister for bringing relations between Britons and the mother country to new lows over the US mainland's decision to invade North Korea. Although a popular choice with the US State Department, Brown has failed to appease the more hawkish elements in the US administration with his "soft stance" on evil.

Speculation over his replacement is rife, but many close to the Defence Department have suggested that it may be time for Britain to be governed by someone more recognisably American. A recent report issued by a think-tank linked to Vice-President Joe Biden argues that recent history shows that a tougher stance is needed for the colony. According to the report, the installation of "strong-willed" Mrs Thatcher in 1979 allowed the UK to feel it had a greater degree of autonomy but crucially maintained Washington policy, an effect maintained under her puppet successor. However, Brown, appointed during the later Bush years, has been seen as more ambiguous in direction.

Key adviser Dick Earl has been a strong advocate of a tough stance. It is hinted that retired US General Wesley Kanne Clark Sr KBE, may go on to govern the UK if he proves himself in North Korea, and that changes in the structure may be in the pipeline. Leaked documents circulating at the highest levels of government have mentioned the title "Viceroy" alongside efforts to appeal to the UK's monarchical past.

Leading experts who cracked Germany's WW2 Enigma codes at Britain's wartime intelligence centre at Bletchley Park. Are attempting a major new challenge, perhaps greater even than Enigma itself - to decipher an alleged policy document released earlier this year by the now Euro MP, Mr Nick Griffin.

Who is the current leader of the British National Party. The document has defied all attempts to date at deciphering its meaning. It consists of the words "We will" repeated several times, in each instance being followed by what appears to be a policy statement.

The director of Bletchley Park near Reigate, Surrey, establishment told our reporter that the Griffin document looks as if it is a language-based puzzle. He said these were prevalent during the mid-seven-teenth century, the time when the policy is thought to have first been drafted. "It was how people protected information they wanted kept secret. It looks as if it's probably going to need language expertise - maybe Greek and maybe forgotten languages - as well as mathematics and puzzles," he said.

The "We will" list ends with the four letters UYGB. Asked about the significance of this, DSS’s Sir John of the Department of Cryptology and Political Studies at the University of Southport, and a member of the wartime Bletchley team, said that he believed it was a reference to an opponent of some kind. "The GB possibly refers to not our country, but Gordon Brown" he said, "but the UY has got us stumped. Some members of the team think the Y could stand for 'your' or possibly 'yours', but we can't be sure, and as yet we have been unable to crack the significance of the U."

Sir John noted that the list also contained some entries that began "We believe". He said that this kind of reversal was once a common ploy to throw anyone who might be close to deciphering the message off the track by causing confusion.

Mr. Griffin refused comment when approached by our reporter, except to scoff at a suggestion that the code-breakers had accepted an offer of help from Professor Nigel Swift cryptanalyst.

“Look lets be honest Brown didn't even understand his own policies, in fact he never made them did he? The Scottish tw*t such as they were," he said, "so why would he understand mine?"

The solution is obvious. First, we pay Carillion Plc one trillion pounds (plus expenses) to construct a 100X-scale Wall around the entire United Kingdom. Second, we will create another huge government bureaucracy to defend the country’s borders. We could call it the Ministry of Defence Department no, the Homeland Security Services Department.

Third, we force every human north, south, east and west of the Saxon Curtain to have a chip implanted that will display their retinal pattern, and detailed sexual preferences when scanned. The chip will be wirelessly updated by new "collar" mobile phones, which are locked on the neck when the child is tattooed with its non-UK resident number. All legal immigrants into the UK will have their collars deactivated for the specified period of their stay in the UK. However, when the GPS on the mobile detects that an illegal individual is at latitude co-ordinates on the "wrong" side of the Saxon Curtain, it will detonate a shaped cutting charge that will implode the individual’s head in a safe yet spectacular vertical collapse, a la Fred Dibnah.

Thus, we will finally achieve total immigration control and the goal of "a place for every individual, and every individual in their place." Forever! This will free up UK government resources for more important projects, such as helping our U.S brothers and sisters in suppressing Middle East oil production, nation building in the Third World, and bringing about democracy to Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and North Korea.

“UKAP” The United Kingdom Apathy Party are celebrating this morning after over half of the country voted for them with their feet in last Thursday's County Council and Euro elections. 66% giving them one of their biggest shares of the vote yet. Record numbers of people didn't vote in Scotland and Wales and the turnout in England was also very low, bolstered only by postal voting.

"This is a huge victory for the UKAP," said its leader, Nigel Farquar, when we rang him up because he failed to arrive for an interview. "It goes to show that people are turned off by mainstream politics and increasingly are turning to parties who care as much about politics as they do like us."

Membership of the party, however, remains at zero. "It's not because people don't believe in our cause," explained Mr Farquar, who has not bothered to register as a member himself. "It's because they're apathetic. They don't care enough about apathy to do anything about it."

However, despite the support the party has, it put up no candidates in last week's elections. "We thought about it," Mr Farquar continued, "but then we thought no, it might be raining, and we knew that the best of Britain’s Got Talent would be on. Nobody could be arsed really."

Official celebrations, consisting of each of the party's members "watching TV and eating pizza like they normally do on a Thursday night", continued until they gave up and went to bed.

A candle light vigil was held in Cranbrook, Kent last night as hundreds came to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the massacre of pro-democracy Chinese protesters. According to witnesses, the whole thing was very nice, but without tanks almost running people over as they stand in front of them, it was actually quite lack lustre compared to the original Tiananmen Square event.

“Hey, when I first saw the video of that guy standing in front of the tanks, I was really inspired.” Cranbrook School Student Sam Windsor said. “But this recent event was kind of dull. I’d rather see some action that makes me feel like I need to do something. This just makes me feel like I am watching Elton John singing about Marilyn.”

Police claim that not enough showed up, to really bring out the armoured vehicles, and maybe for the 25th anniversary we will see a big enough turn out for some real tank action.

“We can’t always promise tanks, especially when the people are just lighting candles and not doing any heavy duty protesting?” one Kent Officer said.

Will the next celebration include tanks? Only time will tell.

"Listening to Prime minister Gordon Browns speech this evening as he announced his commitment to seeing the job done I can’t help but think “Dead Man Walking!”

However “Forget apologies, forget resignations, forget 'massive failures of public duty', forget 'Labour meltdown'" is the defiant message from No 10. After what has turned out to be rather a long week in politics for the embattled Government. Speaking on behalf of an assortment of red-faced senior Government figures, veteran PR trouble shooter Mary Georghiou today told an assembled pack of avid news hounds, " Ben Bradshaw, an openly gay MP got the message right after all – Labour's having its Best Year Ever - and that's official".

The NHS has already amply justified Mr Bradshaws claim by boasting the "most impressive yet" numbers of NHS staff threatened with redundancy, planning strike action, or emigrating in disgust (or all three) - wildly exceeding Government targets. 2009 has also seen "absolutely unprecedented" numbers of hospitals closed down and their sites flogged off to property developers. "Identikit unaffordable rabbit-hutches and wall-to-wall ASADA superstores – what more could anyone want from a health service?" Ms Georghiou was thought to have said this week amid a chorus of boos.

As its crowning glory, the NHS has also achieved a "near perfect score" in terms of taxpayers wondering whatever could possibly have happened to all the money from that National Insurance hike three years ago.

The Home Office is also enjoying its Best Year Ever, following swift implementation of its Glorification of Error legislation. This week saw the proud announcement that the number of foreign murderers and rapists released by mistake has "soared to an all-time high" - news nicely timed to maximise public confidence in the competence and integrity of the Home Office at a time when it is also boasting the "greatest ever imaginable" ratio of resources devoted to useless draconian measures versus those spent on ordinary everyday policing.

In fact, the Home Office has even recently recorded its "most specious ever" list of reasons put forward for the introduction of ID cards and the "most devious ever" ways and means of forcing the legislation through regardless. And as a spin-off, the number of Seriously Ostentatious crime-fighting agencies crawling out of the woodwork (complete with imbecilic logos and absurd media fanfares) is looking "pretty healthy" these days too.

On the subject of headless swine, 2009 has also been the Best Year Ever for swine flu, that latest in the Whitehall spin machine's formidable arsenal of weapons of mass distraction. Downing Street insiders are said to be taking bets on the number of dead pigs, boars, pinky and perkies, dodos (and perhaps even ministers' mistresses) which will conveniently appear around the time the results of both the Euro & National Council elections are formally announced.

In short, 2009 is widely predicted to be the Best Year Ever for anything whatsoever which might go a little bit wrong or cause that teeniest smidgen of embarrassment for the country's great leadership (or already has and hasn't been found out about yet). And, as it happens, so is 2010. After all, "Things can only get better".

“I said things, can only get better, can only get better, then I found you, you, you!”

The M.O.D announced new plans for a rapid reaction force this afternoon. If the plans go ahead, civil servants, local government officials, special advisors and selected ministers will be on 24-hour standby to respond to any sort of attack on the government.

Defence Secretary John Hutton explained why the force is necessary. "We all know about the tragic events of July 2005 and the September 11th tragedy," he said sorrowfully at a packed press conference.

"In future, as soon as despicable rogues like Simon Cowell manipulate individuals who are intellectually challenged, if not dim, highly-trained members of our defence force will leap into action and spin their little hearts out. With enough practice, the public will never even find out about these things!"

A speech against the proposals by the Shadow Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox.

Was tonight abandoned following the leaked announcement of "Three and a Half Billion" new doctors for the NHS, a Cure for all known Diseases and all MPs who have abused expenses will be publicly hanged!

Suicide bombers have added their voice to the outcry for affordable security protection. As health, cars and life insurance premiums reach record-high levels in the UK and Europe, suicide bombers are feeling the pinch.

Citing racial, religious and career discrimination, the Coalition For Better But Shorter Lives, a group established to represent young UK Muslims that enter the suicide bomber industry, has called for an end to the practice.

"Is 'suicide bomber' a risky career choice? Yes, but no more dangerous than being an Afghanistani, Israeli, Iraqi or civilian or infidel," stated Sheikh Mohammed Humanah, head of the CFBBSL, "and those groups' rates have been stagnant for years. We demand that insurance providers end their aggressive campaign of discrimination, or they will incinerate in the flames of righteous fury from the very young lions they pretend to cover."

Citing unsafe working conditions and a high likelihood of martyrdom, insurance giant Prudential defends the conspicuously high rates it charges for those whose occupation is certain death.

"We simply cannot charge normal rates for men and women on the top of the 'occupational hazard scale'," said Susan Hughes, spokesperson for Prudential. "We take as many workplace factors into account when computing our factor of job-place safety, and unfortunately ‘suicide bomber' tops the list, above even such dangerous occupations as undercover journalist, logger, miner, test pilot and WHO drummer. It's just good business."

Other groups that feel that they have been wrongly overcharged include Taliban leaders, al-Qaeda operatives and jihadists.

"Granted, our reward waits for us in heaven, but this is still bullshit," said Alan Wallace Bindh, the Scottish Taliban member who is being tried under charges of conspiracy and other serious offences after defecting from the UK and siding with terrorists. "Everyone is entitled to live with the comfort of knowing that when they die, be it in a glorious pillar of fire or like wretched infidel dogs, that their transitory wealth will be passed on to next of kin, best friends or local Al-Qaeda chapter."

Some have contested that the high cost of maintaining life insurance has driven many young, impoverished Muslim men and women to ending their lives in a coagulation of flames and violence much sooner than if they could have kept a little to put away for a nest egg.

"I would love to raise a family, live a pious life and see world peace become a reality," said Muhammad Mohamed, an unemployed Bradford resident, speaking to our North West correspondent. "Unfortunately, I just can't afford the cursed premiums that my career carries, so my only choice is to do my part in the destruction of British infidels, and I just happen to have dynamite strapped to my belt, and we're standing here in a crowded shopping centre in Manchester, so if you'll excuse me…"

Representative of a growing number of zealous but cash-strapped martyrs, Mohamed's decision to quicken the pace of his career is becoming just as necessary to succeed in the role of suicide bomber as a master's degree for an engineer, medical qualification for a nurse or shady finances for UK MPs. As the number of entry-level bombers grows in this competitive market, so do the associated costs. This will only make matters worse, say industry insiders.

"It's hard to talk someone into making a career change when at the top of the corporate ladder is eternal paradise and something like 16 virgin odalisques waiting for you," said John Stevens, advocate for an "Affordable Living", "but these people are poor enough as it is and can't afford to feed their families or pay the high cost of living.

Bleeding them dry with exorbitant insurance rates is only going to encourage them to detonate the charge. Maybe their zeal for Allah also plays a part in this, but I don't know anything about that."

DSS where led to believe that Susan’s 1st Album would be entitled "Susan Boyle – All The “Rumours” Are True."
And to be honest we prefer “"Rumours amidst the rancour – bed sheets and broken dreams!" by eggbod.

However DSS can now give you a DSS world exclusive:

Susan Boyle’s first album is going to be entitled: “Lords of Acid Pussy”

Simon Cowell explained that the title is all about “Extra Sensual Sexual Persuasion”, Susan decided to use both her intense religious faith and her dynamic sexuality to help persuade people to buy her fantastic first premier album.

Simon Cowell, who is Susan Boyle's manager, has just disclosed to Sky News that he Britain’s got talent runner up is in fact not in the Priory Clinic. But is in a safe house in Gloucestershire were she has just agreed to headline with Fleetwood Mac on her upcoming UK tour.

Simon Cowell added that Mick Fleetwood had made the approach because he sees Susan as an ideal candidate to compliment Stevie Nicks and Christine Mcvie.

Fleetwood Mac is such a unique band. With 3 different lead singers sharing the spotlight, so Susan will be a truly fantastic addition, she will add so many flavours and textures to their music.

He stated that he has spoken to Gary Barlow, Elton John, and Paul Simon and that each has agreed to write one or two songs for Susan's upcoming first album tentatively titled, "Susan Boyle – All The “Rumours” Are True."

Simon Cowell has stated that he has chosen two of the songs that Miss Boyle will be recording for her album and the songs are both old Fleetwood Mac songs “Gold Dust Woman” and “You Make Loving Fun.”

On the day when the Liberal Democrats demanded that Chancellor Alistair Darling should go over his use of taxpayer-funded Parliamentary allowances.

There were further calls for Alistair Darling to resign today after an alleged newspaper published photographs of the Chancellor sleeping. The first of the pictures, splashed across five pages of the Daily Express, shows Mr Darling sleeping soundly and alone in a King Size bed at approximately 3am yesterday morning in what is his second home. Later pictures show him sitting up in bed and pointing at the camera, scowling, and a dramatic lurch towards the photographer and a cracked lens.

Mr Darling was unavailable for comment following the publication of the pictures.

Conservative Shadow Chancellor George Osborne condemned Mr Darling’s actions. "I have known Alistair Darling for some time, but for him to be sleeping at a time when Gordon Brown is planning his next holiday to France, is frankly disgraceful," he said. "His political career is quite obviously over."

Lib Dem nonentity Lembit Opik was similarly appalled. "Scary things often happen in the middle of the night," he told a busker in Westminster Tube Station. "Alistair Darling should be awake and on the job at all times like me, Ahem not like that, obviously."

Not to be outdone, the Daily Mail today cleared one of its pages of Lady Diana conspiracy stories in order to publish a large photograph of Mr Darling's wife, Margaret, leaving a supermarket. It was accompanied by the shocking revelation that she eats food and from time to time uses toilet paper to wipe her bottom.