"Listening to Prime minister Gordon Browns speech this evening as he announced his commitment to seeing the job done I cant help but think Dead Man Walking!
However Forget apologies, forget resignations, forget 'massive failures of public duty', forget 'Labour meltdown'" is the defiant message from No 10. After what has turned out to be rather a long week in politics for the embattled Government. Speaking on behalf of an assortment of red-faced senior Government figures, veteran PR trouble shooter Mary Georghiou today told an assembled pack of avid news hounds, " Ben Bradshaw, an openly gay MP got the message right after all Labour's having its Best Year Ever - and that's official".
The NHS has already amply justified Mr Bradshaws claim by boasting the "most impressive yet" numbers of NHS staff threatened with redundancy, planning strike action, or emigrating in disgust (or all three) - wildly exceeding Government targets. 2009 has also seen "absolutely unprecedented" numbers of hospitals closed down and their sites flogged off to property developers. "Identikit unaffordable rabbit-hutches and wall-to-wall ASADA superstores what more could anyone want from a health service?" Ms Georghiou was thought to have said this week amid a chorus of boos.
As its crowning glory, the NHS has also achieved a "near perfect score" in terms of taxpayers wondering whatever could possibly have happened to all the money from that National Insurance hike three years ago.
The Home Office is also enjoying its Best Year Ever, following swift implementation of its Glorification of Error legislation. This week saw the proud announcement that the number of foreign murderers and rapists released by mistake has "soared to an all-time high" - news nicely timed to maximise public confidence in the competence and integrity of the Home Office at a time when it is also boasting the "greatest ever imaginable" ratio of resources devoted to useless draconian measures versus those spent on ordinary everyday policing.
In fact, the Home Office has even recently recorded its "most specious ever" list of reasons put forward for the introduction of ID cards and the "most devious ever" ways and means of forcing the legislation through regardless. And as a spin-off, the number of Seriously Ostentatious crime-fighting agencies crawling out of the woodwork (complete with imbecilic logos and absurd media fanfares) is looking "pretty healthy" these days too.
On the subject of headless swine, 2009 has also been the Best Year Ever for swine flu, that latest in the Whitehall spin machine's formidable arsenal of weapons of mass distraction. Downing Street insiders are said to be taking bets on the number of dead pigs, boars, pinky and perkies, dodos (and perhaps even ministers' mistresses) which will conveniently appear around the time the results of both the Euro & National Council elections are formally announced.
In short, 2009 is widely predicted to be the Best Year Ever for anything whatsoever which might go a little bit wrong or cause that teeniest smidgen of embarrassment for the country's great leadership (or already has and hasn't been found out about yet). And, as it happens, so is 2010. After all, "Things can only get better".
I said things, can only get better, can only get better, then I found you, you, you!
