Hot Sex
Efforts by married couple Stuart and Ann Thomas to revitalise their marriage have been thwarted by the pair's incontrovertible ugliness, as revealed by the very hot sex that they had hoped would inject a boost of energy into their fledgling sex life.

Instead of a newfound zeal for each other and increased romance, Stuart explained that the malaise of an a-sexual marriage has been replaced by repulsion at the thought of frequent intercourse, a sentiment that his wife concedes is mutual.

"Yep, married life has been pretty boring lately, but that's better than horrifying, which is what it became when I caught a glimpse of my wife's weird and misshapen body when the moonlight hit her just right," said a disgusted Stuart. "She was amenable to my suggestion that we try something 'new', and it wasn't all that bad, until we tried doggy-style and I saw how bad her back-acne was."

Stuart compared the situation to trying to masturbate in a nursing home bathroom, and that he had to fake an orgasm for the first time in his life.

"It was a humiliating experience for everyone involved, and I hope that it is not soon revisited," lamented the frustrated Stuart.

Stuart's wife Ann echoed his sentiments, stating that endeavours to increase the passion in the room only aroused contempt between the two.

"Don't ask me how it is that I came to be staring at his butt for half of the sex, but I did and now I think I'm scarred for life," said the distraught spouse. "I wish I could call it a 'noble effort', but the damage is irreparable, and now every time I look at his face, I'm going to be thinking of the look he made while trying to concentrate on bringing himself to climax."

Despite trying heretofore un-attempted positions, mostly derived from Stuart’s pocket-sized Kama Sutra (won at the neighbourhood community centre '08 Christmas party), each proved to be more luckless than the previous.

"I never knew that the back of someone's knee could smell so bad," lamented the male Thomas, declining to expound upon the statement.

Both Thomas’s agreed independently that sex, if they ever have it again, is best done in a robotic, eyes-closed fashion, which they describe as "the secret to their success " before their disastrous attempts to introduce a little pleasure into their married life.

Stuart claims that, despite netting zero results thus far, that he and his wife are far from done trying ways to spice up their lives. Should vain attempts at passionate sex remain fruitless, Stuart is considering other fructifying remedies.

"If the sex keeps fading out, I could always start drinking heavily," suggested the desperate husband. "Sometimes when I come home at night after my locals darts league and I've had a few, something happens that makes me think that maybe she's not all that bad, and that a good shag would actually make me sleep better that night. Maybe drinking is the best thing for us."

Other options that Stuart is considering to help save his marriage include buying a fast car, going to counselling at the Catholic Church he and his wife attend, or having illicit relations with a mistress. "Saving my marriage might turn out to be a lot of fun," expressed an optimistic Stuart.