Prime Minister Gordon Brown is praising a revolutionary new drug designed to treat 298 different diseases and conditions.
"This medication will consolidate a whole host of other treatments. It gets out all the clutter. It cuts the fat. This is what's good for the United Kingdom," said Brown at a press conference held at pharmaceutical giant Glaxo SmithKline Beecham’s research centre in Cambridge, this afternoon. "The elderly will save money, families will save money, you all will save money."
The mega-pharmaceutical corporation has created a mega-solution with its bold new drug, Cureallotofitmate (suptahealmeum sulphate). The 500 milligram pill reportedly inspired improvement in a range of cancers and degenerative diseases during clinical trials.
The patients studied suffered from over 500 different maladies; improvements were observed in 298 areas of human illness. The most significant categories were: Lymphoma, Leukaemia, Lung cancer, Prostate cancer, Breast cancer, Diabetes, ME, Flu, Paralysis, Alzheimer's disease, AIDS (HIV), Schizophrenia, Autism, ADHD, Heart disease, Osteoporosis, Multiple sclerosis, Muscular dystrophy, Meningitis, Hypoglycaemia, Lupus, Anaemia, and Haemophilia.
"This breakthrough may lead to the end of human suffering as we know it," boasted company CEO Adam Pillhawker. "There just isn’t anything better out there."
The drug's side effects however can include any of the following: Nausea, Insomnia, Cold sweats, Serious rashes, Anal seepage, Depression, Weight gain, Runny nose, Bloody nose, Chills, Sepsis, Diarrhoea, Headaches, Stroke, Heart attack, Tremors, and Mild to Moderate Death.
Other major pharmaceutical companies are also scrambling to create universal solutions. Bayer is stepping up efforts to develop a similar treatment streamlined to treat 72 different forms of cancer, but scientists have been struggling with the formula. The drug is unpredictable when used alongside chemotherapy. Pfizer officials said today that they will also hire a new team of scientists soon to look at developing more combined care alternatives.
"I believe this product has the chance to heal the masses and do the work of God across our great country," said Brown, before discussing the shortfall in the NHS budget. Brown's new idea is to eliminate the budget shortfall immediately, by awarding huge tax cuts for the rich and famous.
"Hey, we're going to lose them some time anyway," Mr Brown added.
ianrthorpe
Will it cure or prevent death though? That's what they keep promising if only we will give up everything that makes life worth living, eat our 5 portions a day and take all the medicine we are told to.