The Dead Synapses Society

Controversy has erupted in India as it has produced its own version of the 1963 Film “A Comedy of Terrors”. Which stared Vincent Price as Trumbull, Peter Lorre ... as Felix Gillie, Boris Karloff as Hinchley and Joyce Jameson as Amaryllis.

However the makers of the film are being threatened with legal action because they are marketing the film as Bollywood's Hari Putter’s – “A Comedy of Terrors” JK Rowling is said to furious. The film makers have defended the film, saying it has nothing in common with Harry Potter apart from the initial letters 'HP'. Since when has it been a crime to use the same initial letters? Warner Brothers are trying to sue the Mumbai-based producers Mirchi Movies, over the film title. The studio believes the name is too similar to that of the young wizard.

However, Munish Purii, of Mirchi Movies, told DSS:

Abhishek Bachan plays Mr. Trumbull, the junior partner (but actually the active partner) of a decaying firm of undertakers. Trumbull has no single redeemable characteristic - he's bossy to his father-in-law partner (Ajay Devgan plays Hinchley), he's bossy to his wife, he mistreats and bullies Saif Ali Khan playing, Felix Gillie (his employee), and he kills his subjects. Still some of his problems are sympathetic ones - his wife Amarylis played by Kareena Kapoor sings at the funerals (listen to her warble "He is but sleeping" at Rathbone's funeral service - Abhishek Bachan looks beatific as she sings, and when asked why he explains he hopes her vocal chords will snap). The number of good one liners in this film (spread among the leads) is nice. Ajay Devgan being unable to deliver a coherent funeral address, because he can't recall who is being buried. Does that sound like a Harry Potter Film to you?” Said, Munish Purii.

"It is ridiculous to think that - if that is the case then why don't HP Sauce or Hewlett Packard take legal action against Warner Brothers for copying theirs. They're such silly people!"
Hari Puttar 11 and The Comedy of Terrors, directed by Rajesh Bajaj and Lucky Kohli, is due to hit Indian movie screens on 24th August 2009.

Giving a rather candid interview on MTV this afternoon Ex Wham star and gay poster boy, George Michael admitted at last that his marijuana smoking is becoming a problem. "I smoke shed loads" he told MTV Presenter Sybil Buck.

"I must be getting through at least a half a day" he continued,"big fat reefers an all. The sort of chubby spliff you would expect to see hanging from a Rastafarians mouth. I don't have any of that solid crap either, this is proper skunky, funky, sticky green shit. Seriously, when my dealer opens his bag, it smells like a fruit and veg shop. I bloody love it and I think everyone should have some"

Mr Michael has been criticised in the past for bogarting at parties and it was alleged to be the real reason behind Whams break up all those years ago.

Former band mate and crasher of fast cars, Andrew Ridgley, was reported to have said. "If I ever wanted to get stoned, I had to make sure I had a good few chugs before passing the dutchy pon me left hand side to George, cos I knew as soon as he had it, that would be it for me. That's why I always skinned up, so I could spark em and I would load the fricking end with just grass as well so that greedy bogarting mofo wouldn't get the lions share.

Mr Michael was unavailable for comment at this time as he was walking his kittens across Clapham Common.

British Scientists have devised a cunning new way to prevent sunburn! No longer will progeny of the Caucasoid peoples have to slather on nasty goo that readily washes off after a quick dip, ruining that wonderful day at the beach. And no longer will anyone have to suffer the tanning salon, so very much in the news at the moment with their proven links to increased Melanoma cases.

No longer, indeed. At the Glaxo Smith Kline world-class laboratory located at Barnard Castle, County Durham. (So says their ad), they have developed a new “product,” destined to enter the market of stuff we don’t need, to free us from our tanning labours. It cannot be called a labour-saving device exactly, but that absolutely GREAT tan is just a ginger-headed mouse away!

Judith Golightly, spokesperson for GSK UK, explained the process for our benefit—we, the ignorant and vast unwashed and washed-out, working day and night (?!) to darken our naturally and genetically determined way-too-pale-to-be-sexy skins.

Non Bottled Blondes and Red-heads take note: “It’s simple, really,” says Golightly. “Our professional lab rats (term of art in the dank world of the unregulated underground laboratory) were randomly slathering plant material on each other one day, and one guy-always the cut up-dared one of his assistants chose not to wash the gunk off. Ah, boys will be boys, won’t they? Well, he developed a terrible rash and hives and had to be hospitalized and given IV fluids, antihistamines and antibiotics, and Well, anyway, he eventually recovered, but we had to fire him-cutbacks, you know.”

At this point Golightly brought out several ginger-headed mice, ostensibly to demonstrate some sort of “product,” but instead simply put one mouse in a tanning booth. She reassured me that these little genetically manipulated, blonde-bodied, red-headed creatures are necessary sacrifices to the world of science and Mother Commerce, as she turned it up to “Nice Tan!” We toured the rest of the lab in the meantime.

There were some lovely Chimeras. (See: Chimera Genetics) One was particularly engaging, it seemed to be a pig with two mouths stacked one on top of the other. Golightly explained that this little “enhancement” improved feeding, shortening “to market time” by half. “If we do this to a human, it can carry on conversations with itself!” When no laughter emanated from my singular mouth, despite the nudge-nudge-wink-wink, she hustled me back to the tanning mouse. Ding. It was done.

It was dead, and as red as a Father Christmas outfit.

But Golightly was ecstatic. “Voilà!” she declared. “Now you tell me. Wouldn’t YOU want to have a proverbial canary-in-the-coalmine? Or would you rather go bare, so to speak?”

Each mouse will cost £9.95 and is (what, you think you’ll keep it as a pet?) single-use only. When your mouse is beet red, it’s time to pack up your towel and head on home.

You’re safely done.

Professor Adrian Swartzcoff a scientist at the Bernadette Devlin Laboratories in Belfast. Has today announced the results of a five-year study which he contends shows the existence of a possible link between the detonation of explosive devices in heavily-populated areas and an increased risk of injury?

Visiting Professor Vladimir Putin acknowledged that no actual data was collected, attributing that flaw in the research to the utter and complete absence of funding for the study. He noted, however, that "the anecdotal evidence does seem to suggest the possibility of some sort of connection between the detonation of incendiary devices in heavily populated areas and an increased incidence of injury."

The announcement sent a shock wave through the scientific community, and has been discredited by the UK Government Research Service. Within hours of the announcement, GRS spokesperson Mr Casey Jones issued a statement explaining that positing such a connection would be like blaming the British Government for causing injuries and death in Iraq and Afghanistan simply by voting to hold a war there. The former professor could not be reached for comment.

Swine Flu, Blue Tongue, Avian Flu, Foot & Mouth ,Verbal Diarrhoea, Potato Blight, Aids, Alcoholism, you name it and Britain has got it! Why should people still want to come here?

Today, Oxford University scientists discovered a new disease which is predicted to reach epidemic proportions in less than six months, thus rendering "Our Green and Pleasant Land" paralysed. This disease is so deadly and contagious that even immigrants will catch it. The government has announced that it is to take immediate action.

This disease is called "PLUMBUMITIS", or Swinging The Lead; (Plumbum = Latin word meaning lead).

Professor Wilfred Titmus from the university's laboratory for contagious diseases has given a list of symptoms to look out for; he asks:

 Are you Obese
 Do you suffer from Stress
 Have you had Back Ache
 Do you suffer Migraines
 Do you Claim Incapacity Benefit

Mr Joseph Gerrard, from Croxteth, Liverpool told DSS News "This is really bad news for me this means I've gotta go and find a job which will send my stress level sky high. I'll have no time to spend at the pub anymore and I won't be able to have a good mixed grill at the local greasy spoon. What am I going to do? I'm only 24 and will have to sell my Play Station 3. Sharon and the kids will go ape!"

The bill for Incapacity Benefit is said to cost the government over £3 billion and much of this could be spent on better things; such as Clearing the National Debt, The NHS, Olympic stadiums, upgrading our nuclear deterrent, or even more importantantly purchasing decent equipment for the entire British Army,

It is estimated that as many as 94% of politicians fit the criteria for "PLUMBUMITIS", so the House of Commons may have to be dissolved. It is important that the MPs who present the symptoms should be culled and a rash of by-elections be held. Naturally the Foreign Office are going to claim 'Diplomatic Immunity'.

Gordon Brown is said to be one of the first to go.

London Mayor Boris Johnson has just announced a ban on sex in the capital for the duration of the swine flu pandemic, the capital has now been turned into a ghost city as millions flee to Essex Towns where they could still indulge in the horizontal sport.
The authorities' decision to forbid Londoners to have sex had come after the renowned Portland Down Institute announced that pregnant women were especially vulnerable to catching the H1N1 virus.

"There is unfortunately only one way of delaying pregnancy and this is to abstain from sex. We consequently had no choice but to ban sex," said a spokesperson for the London Assembly.

The announcement of the ban was issued at 4pm today special police units armed with batons smashed into homes to pull bewildered couples out of bed.

"We were not even love making!" said 92-year-old Stan Tenant from behind the wheelbarrow on which he was pushing Annie, his 18-year-old bride of two weeks, to get her safely to a place where he could continue to make love to her. He added that the exodus reminded him of 1941 when the Londoners fled from the advancing Nazi Threat.

Gordon Brown and his government have also fled the capital and will govern the UK from the spa-town of Malvern until the lifting of the ban. An unconfirmed report states that the premier tried desperately to have the ban postponed for another day - or rather another night. Envisaging an exodus from the capital if its people who could not have sex, he had begged London Mayor Boris to allow Londoners another night of love. However the unmarried mayor had refused.

Britain's National Childbirth Prevention Trust told DSS that it fully supported the sex ban. "There are enough brats in London already," said its spokesperson.

The NCPT had made it very clear that it would like the ban to be permanent.

Shocking News emanating out of Balham, South London a man calling himself the Anti-Christ has announced that he will have a duel with God.

Judas Chariot said today that he is sick of God and will once and for all show everyone that God is not that powerful. "I am the Anti-Christ and I will show everyone and I am also going to take over the world and rule with an iron fist." said Mr. Chariot.

The Lord God responded by saying "I'll show him, he thinks that I will let him beat me, everyone knows that I am the almighty and I think it's time that I proved it."

While this was going on Lucifer was laughing and drinking Chang Lager and he was laughing so much he couldn't comment on this story. Jesus was not available for comment as it was his day of worship.

Liverpool Football Club Captain Calm Down la' Calm Down la, Gerrard was yesterday found not guilty of affray. The England star was cleared of unjustly attacking a man in a bar and was later applauded by fans outside the city's Crown Court.

The midfielder admitted hitting Marcus McGee, 34, in a Southport bar. CCTV footage showed that Gerrard's friend, John Doran, actually struck the first blow.

Five of Gerrard's friends who accompanied him that night admitted affray.

They are Ian Smith, 19, of Hilary Avenue, John Doran, 29, of Woodlands Road, and Paul McGrattan, 31, of Linden Drive, all Huyton, and Accrington Stanley footballers Robert Grant, 19, of Enstone Avenue, Litherland, and Ian Dunbavin, 28, of Guildford Road, Southport. Another friend, John McGrattan, 34, of Rimmer Avenue, Huyton, admitted threatening behaviour.
Gerrard showed no emotion when the jury foreman delivered the not guilty verdict after 70 minutes of deliberation.

Bargain, Job done then?

However we are hearing reports from Manchester that Gerrard was re-arrested early this morning after a night of celebration at the private members club “The Ruby Lounge”.

He has appeared in court, on what the judge called “the worst case of Scouse gittery that it has been my misfortune to hear about”. CCTV footage shows Gerrard, drinking shandies and acting like some sort of self-important tough guy, then for no particular reason suddenly shouting 'Liverpewl are magic, Everton are tragic!’ and throwing the contents of his shandy glass over a young woman’s head.

The girl, from Chester, then headbutted Gerrard to cheers of 'Gi's a job! Go on!' from bystanders, and the Liverpool player burst into tears. But when it was pointed out to him that this had all been recorded on CCTV, he paid the bar manager to wipe the tape, then had himself recorded being very, very tough indeed, punching a man in a way that a 12-year old girl would laugh at. “See us Scousers', he said in his defence, 'we're not all big girls' blouses that even Manchurians laugh at.We've 'ard in the 'Pool.

On reviewing the evidence the Judge said, “Despite you pleading guilty, I have no option but to give you the heaviest sentence this court can give, which is a fate worse than death. You will have to spend the rest of your Scouse git life in the city of Liverpool, drinking shandies and acting like a big girl's blouse. Court dismissed!”

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) were called to the house commons this morning as security staff discovered over 500 Guinea Pigs running wild in the main chamber.

Latin Name: (Caviidae and the genus Cavia)

However, the Officers attending the commons soon discovered that these guinea pigs had mutated into a viscous snarling mouth frothing breed.

The size and strength of these particular creatures have caused additional mayhem in that they have gnawed virtually all the interior of the building as well as chewing half the speaker’s chair. In the animal’s frantic search for food they have gnawed the floorboards, cables and even nibbled at the lead in the window frames. Giant droppings abound and the stench of urine and rotting faeces brings a tear to the strongest mans eye. The security guards were surprised by the extent of the devastation and the appalling stench, so automatically the RSPCA were called immediately.

The clean up process will take several weeks and may not be completed in time for the opening of Parliament.
First the sneaky animals have to be individually captured, labelled, and inspected for rabies and other similar illnesses before being despatched to a holding centre in Godstone, Surrey. This is not the first time that animals/ vermin has infested the House of Commons. Similar infestations occurred previously in 1997, 2001 and 2005. Once the animals have been finally removed into isolation holding units the actual building cleaning and rebuilding can start.

RSPCA spokeswoman Nicola Ramsey said, "This time we have to prosecute the owners of these animals, a mistake can happen once, the second time we have a written warning but the third offence must be charged with the full force of the law." Currently, expert officers are trying to establish just why and how this disgusting awful mess had occurred.

However, the government office responsible for the House of Commons explained, "Legally, once the currently infected animals have been removed and the complete building cleaned and refurbished, it will be necessary to hold national elections again."

If any more evidence of Britain's moral decay were needed, it came at 15:27 yesterday afternoon.

In a delivery room at Raigmore Hospital, Inverness , Scotland, Dr. Lillian Joyce brought a healthy 8.3 lbs. baby boy into this world; but imagine her shock when she realized that the baby was totally nude.

"As a Doctor, I have seen plenty of unpleasant and weird sights," said Dr. Joyce, "but this was just too much. The depravity of it all, where will it end, I ask you, where will it end?"

One of the midwives attending the birth, Sophie Stokes, confirmed that the baby boy, whose name is Anthony, was indeed born without a single thread of clothing on his frail little body. "It was shocking," said Stokes, "you see, when babies are born, they're just wee little things and they need every ounce of protection we can offer. To bring one into the world without so much as a tiny frock, it just boggles the mind."
The child's parents Tony (who is a football player at Brighton & Hove Albion) and Diane Hughes seemed puzzled by the reaction of the hospital staff.

The Hughes's, for whom this is their first child, were under the impression that all babies were born naked. "I thought that was where the term birthday suit' came from," said Tony. Dr. Joyce soon disabused them of this notion.

"That might be the way things go in swinging towns like Brighton," said Joyce, "but up here, we still have a sense of modesty and morals. Nudity is not something to be proud of, and the body is not to be flaunted about in this crass way."

When asked how they might have avoided this embarrassing state of affairs, the Hughes's were referred to Miss Havelland, a legend in this part of Scotland. Miss Havelland is one of the few prenatal seamstresses left in Britain. Hers is an ancient art practiced by hyper-modest cultures around the world. Because of the rigors of Inverness's winters, and the traditional values held by people in the highlands, Miss Havelland has thrived.

"Business is good," said Havelland, "but not as good as it used to be. Lots of people are now travelling down to Glasgow, or even London, to have their babies these days. I can't say why but if you find out, let me know, as it is bad for my business."

Havelland was unwilling to explain how she is able to dress children in their mother's wombs, but rumours abound of witchcraft being employed.
Dr. Joyce doesn't much care how it is done, but begs families to spare their children the embarrassment of a naked birth. "They say you only get one chance to make a first impression," pointed out Joyce, "and for this little guy, the impression was not good."

Years of focussed research on the use of prayer to cure cancer have finally paid off, according to a new study released by scientists at John Moore’s University Liverpool.

"For years we had been hearing the reports from around the UK about people praying for a cure to cancer, or some other disease, and having their prayers be answered by God," said Doctor Solomon Daniels, leader of the research department. "What puzzled us was why God only seemed to answer certain prayers. After studying the Bible, we realized that God only answered prayers that were done the right way; our group of scientists wanted to find out what way that was."

So after receiving a £2,000,000 grant from the Government in 2005, the John Moore’s University scientists went to work.

While the actual research is very complicated, Dr. Daniels put it in layman's terms. "We infected lab mice with several diseases, and monitored them closely. We put the Bible, Koran, and other Holy Books into a computer program, which read the verses in a completely random order. Gradually, we started to see some improvement in certain mice, and we altered the program some more to monitor them. After years of painstaking 'guess-and-test' research, we finally uncovered a method of prayer which was 99.5% effective."

While the actual results are pending both GMC and HMA approval, the researchers claimed it was just a formality. "This prayer method works, and that's that. End of story. The official results should be released within the year," said computer technician Vivian Tosh.

Still, this didn't stop other researchers from dropping some hints on the actual prayer method. "Well, all I can say is that the right prayer combination was indeed in the Bible, which proves the claim that Christianity is the one true religion. Also, the 23rd Psalm isn't in it... so you might want to stop that one," commented Dr.Mathew Magdalene.

"This research proves what we have always suspected: The cure to the great diseases of the world is found through Christ, not through medicine," said Dr.Magdalene. "The cure for cancer has already been found; hopefully we will be able to find a different method of prayer that cures AIDS, and after that we can possibly stop earthquakes, tornadoes and hurricanes. God is all-good and all-powerful so he can do these things... we just have to figure out the right way to ask Him."

The LA County Coroner and Scientists at the specialist LA Crime Laboratory have an even greater mystery on their hands now? What was Michael Jackson? DNA studies recently completed show that Michael's DNA profile is more closely related to that of a Pacific sea sponge than a human being.

"We have repeated the test numerous times and each time we come up with the same test results." "It certainly explains his incredible mobility. He moved like he had no skeleton, just like a sponge. It may also explain his nose, or lack of one," scientists reported. Jackson's family denies any relation to marine life. "Someone has manipulated the tests. Michael was and his sister Latoya is as human as the rest of us. We are prepared to sue." Latoya was recently accused of being "A reptilian alien hybrid" in a supermarket tabloid article. Scientists insist they have no reason to lie. "It doesn't make any difference to us “If He Was Black or White” or what he was related to. They then added... "A curious thing happened after we analysed his blood though, we found high concentrations of epidioxy sterols and polyunsaturated acids represented 24.1% part volume!

Other Michael Jackson Related Articles

1.Jacko Was Murdered
2.Yoko Was Michaels Real Mother

The British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has been taken to The Portland Hospital amid fears that he may take his own life. His once close friend and fellow father, Tony Blair, has released secret documents that show details of a new Labour campaign, if Gordon Brown loses the upcoming election. The first objective on the new Labour manifesto will be to form the pressure group "Fathers for Election ".

It is said that Mr Brown was so worried about losing the election and being forced to take a back seat. As his wife Sarah leads the line with all her charity work and writing her daily column. He had made a suicide pact with Sarah. A close friend to the Browns confirmed that, Sarah had agreed with the pact and said, if he loses, he goes.

A squad of twenty Special Forces soldiers dressed as Barack Obama swooped in on Downing Street today. Mr Brown thought it was his best friend Barack coming for breakfast and opened the door willingly. He was then shackled in the Abu Ghraib style and whisked off to the newly revamped private room at the Portland. The Jacksons are also said to be worried about the Prime Minister. Mrs Jackson still remembers how the battle for parental rights over Michael’s love child, Bubbles, affected Gordon in the 80's. The tug of love over Bubbles is thought to have forced Mr. Brown into a vow of celibacy until his marriage to Sarah in August 2000. Missing out on the Neverland experience has always preyed on Mr. Browns mind. Staff from number 10 have kept secret the fact that the British leader is often seen in a Peter Pan outfit and sliding down the banisters at the Whitehall residence.

If the suicide pact comes to fruition, it is thought that the freeview TV Channel, Bid up TV, has signed Sarah Brown to a 50 year contract. A company executive is delighted that Mrs. Brown will be the presenter for their new daytime show "Here today gone tomorrow ". Sarah will be promoting her new range of Beauty Care Products, aimed at the busy woman about town, who doesn't give a jot about what she looks like.

The Browns were unavailable for comment today. Mr. Brown was said to be too busy having lashings of ginger beer with the lost boys. Sarah gave no real excuse to our reporter. "Piss Off” was taken as Mrs. Brown was busy.

Mega Rock Star David Coverdale announced today that he has had piles for most of his life. Opening up in a candid interview with MTV magazine David (58) said this was the reason for the way he stood on stage and for the hit single “Here I Go Again” and it wasn't his way of alluring the opposite sex.

It all dates back from his youth when he was made to sit on a stone wall outside the local pub where his parents drank every weekend. "They used to send out glasses of "Pineapple juice" to me" said David, "but it wasn't until I was older that I realised it was excessive chilli use and Vodka. This is why my voice has such a wide range and is like it is."

The ageing Rocker added, "I thought it was time to tell the world my secret before I became old and insane. And yes, this is not a slip of the tongue and believe me when I say, I can still slide it in!"

With that, David grabbed his ice pack and waddled into the hospitality tent.

Davids Stuff!

David With Deep Purple

Pre-1976 Albums with Deep Purple
 Burn (1974) US Platinum, UK 2x Platinum
 Stormbringer (1974) US Gold, UK Gold
 Come Taste the Band (1975) UK Silver

Post-1975 Albums with Deep Purple
 Made in Europe Live April 1975 (1976)
 Last Concert in Japan Live December 1975 (1977)
 Live in London Live May 1974 (1982)
 Singles A's & B's (1993)
 On the Wings of a Russian Foxbat: Live in California 1976 (1995)
 California Jamming Live April 1974 (1996)
 Mk III: The Final Concerts Live April 1975 (1996)
 Days May Come and Days May Go, The California Rehearsals, June 1975 (2000)
 1420 Beachwood Drive, The California Rehearsals, Part 2 (2000)
 This Time Around: Live in Tokyo Live December 1975 (2001)
 Listen, Learn, Read On (2002)
 Just Might Take Your Life Live April 1974 (2003)
 Perks and Tit Live April 1974 (2004)
 Live in Paris 1975 Live April 1975 (2004)
 Burn 30th Anniversary Edition (2004)
 Live in California 74 (DVD) (2005)
 Stormbringer 35th Anniversary Edition (2009)

Solo White Snake (1977)
 Northwinds (1978)
 "The Last Note Of Freedom" - featured on Days of Thunder soundtrack (1990)
 Into the Light (2000)

With Whitesnake
 Snakebite (1978)
 Trouble (1978)
 Lovehunter (1979)
 Live at Hammersmith (1980)
 Ready an' Willing (1980) UK Gold
 Live...In the Heart of the City (1980) UK Platinum
 Come an' Get It (1981) UK Gold
 Saints & Sinners (1982) UK Silver
 Slide It In (1984) US 2x Platinum, UK Platinum
 Whitesnake (1987) US 8x Platinum, UK Platinum
 Slip of the Tongue (1989) US 3x Platinum, UK Gold
 Whitesnake's Greatest Hits (1994) US Platinum, UK Gold
 Restless Heart (1997) - release credited to "David Coverdale & Whitesnake"
 Starkers in Tokyo (1998)
 Best of Whitesnake (2003)
 The Early Years (2004)
 Silver Anniversary Collection (2003)
 Live In the Still of the Night (2006)
 Live...In The Shadow Of The Blues (2006)
 Good To Be Bad (2008)
 30th Anniversary Collection (2008)
 Slide It In 25th Anniversary Collection (2009)
 Slip Of The Tongue 20th Anniversary Collection (2009)

President Obama has denied he is the father of the late singer’s two oldest children as far as he knows.

President Obama’s former personal assistant Debbie Rowe was married to Michael for three years and is the mother of Prince Michael, 12, and 11-year-old Paris refused to give a definite answer about the paternity of the kids when quizzed.

Obama, who was Michael’s confidant for 20 years, told US TV show ‘Good Morning America’: "I can't say anything about it, but to the best of my knowledge, I am not the father of these children.

“I can't answer it in any other way. I don't want to feed any of this insanity that's going around.

"I will tell you one thing, these are brilliant children and I want them in no way to be harmed. "These are great, wonderful, fabulous children who he loved deeply."

Mrs Obama with young Barack

Although Michael who died last month after a suspected cardiac arrest – always insisted he was the biological father of Prince and Paris and claimed they were conceived in the ‘natural’ way.

However, Debbie who was working for Obama during his time as Illinois State Senator when she met Michael, has previously alleged the children were created by artificial insemination, and the sperm used was not the “Thriller” singer’s.

It had been rumoured Obama who spent last Christmas with both his and Michael’s family had donated his sperm so Michael could fulfil his lifelong dream to become a parent.

Debbie gave up custody of Prince and Paris following their divorce in 1999 and Michael went on to have another child, Prince Michael II – also known as ‘Blanket’– via a surrogate mother, whose identity has never been revealed.

Although Michael did his best to keep the children out of the spotlight even making them wear veils on the rare occasions they ventured out in public all three of them appeared on stage at his star-studded memorial on Tuesday (07.07.09).

Paris made an impromptu speech near the end of the ceremony, describing her dad as “the best father you could imagine, he may have been the 44th, but he will always be No1 in my life!”

Ken Ehrlich, producer of the tribute, said: "It was not planned. A lot of the show was not scripted. Music was laid out, but most of the speakers really spoke from their heart – people who knew Michael well and I think that's what gave the show its heart."

MORE NEWS

Well, the UK hurricane season officially began when a Tornado hit Bristol this morning. However that wasn't the start of the matter, it all began about 5 days earlier when a hurricane ripped through the heart of Harrogate, destroying several canapés, and over fifty five top hats.

Now since time is a constant variable cross-bilaterally linked to space, and space is an independent irregular paranormal which fluctuates throughout void in constant kinetic reversal linkage, then it is therefore obvious that anything that ever happens can only be seen if you are fractionally, though not inconsiderably in, what some people might like to call the future, although it is really a cross-literal inversion of the past, which directly, although not laterally, or indeed literally, links back to the idea that the tornado in Harrogate happened five days earlier.

It is important to know that events past are directly and inextricably liked to events future and if something, for example a news story about a tornado in Bristol, were to exist in the future or indeed the past then any previous news stories cease to physically exist, or even to have existed in this universe. It is therefore doubtful that the tornado in Harrogate still ever happened, or at least sort of that.

Our world was shaken to the very core this evening as it was once and for all proven that the Apollo Moon Landings were faked. President Obama has ordered an immediate investigation and promised that all those found to be involved with this deception shall be brought to justice.

Top NASA officials were placed under arrest after early morning FBI raids, and the entire organization, once the pride of American space exploration, has been shut down. Amazement has been expressed from all quarters that this deception could have gone on for so long. "This issue is not going to go away," a senator was quoted as saying yesterday. "This must go all the way up to Capital Hill, and it's sure is one huge stinking heap of lies!"

Presidential aides, however, denied that the current administration had any knowledge of the hoax. "We are as horrified as everyone else," a spokesperson said. "President Obama is totally bemused about the whole affair," he added, "but he is determined to get to the bottom of it."

DSS takes a look in more detail at some of the serious questions that have been raised over the years with regard to the validity of the Apollo Moon Landings.

Was the technology of the late sixties sufficient to deliver men to the moon? At that time digital computers were in their infancy, huge noisy machines that filled rooms with their bulk. The Apollo module would have had less computing power then to-days pocket calculators. With little room for error in the millions of calculations needed for a manned moon mission the computers of the day seem questionably adequate.

Battery technology was also much bulkier and less efficient then what we now have. Today a laptop battery provides about 4 hours of use between charges, a mobile phone might last a couple of days if not used too much. The Apollo space craft would have required a weeks worth of continuous power to vital systems such as communications, navigation, heating and cooling from batteries that would be adding precious weight to the craft.

It was less then ten years after president Kennedy's monumental announcement in 1961 of his desire to put a man on the moon that this amazing mission was supposedly accomplished on July 20, 1969 by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin during the Apollo 11 mission. Five other Apollo missions also landed astronauts on the Moon, the last one in 1972. These six Apollo spaceflights are the only times humans have ever landed on another world.

It has been 37 years since we last went to the moon, why have we not returned? A NASA estimate in the 1980s projected that it would take up to 20 years to put a man on the moon again.

Although NASA say the Apollo astronauts did not bring artificial lighting to the moon, analysis of the numerous photos and video footage taken on the moon indicate multiple light sources. These anomalies can be seen in various shadows and highlights that are inconsistent with each other as well as the natural lighting that would be available on the moon.

For example, in this photo of Astronaut Ed "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. coming down the ladder on the Lunar Module Eagle. The picture was supposedly taken on July 20, 1969 by Neil Armstrong, who, moments before, had just become the first man to step on the Moon. If you observe the shadows on the ground it is clear that the Buzz and the Lunar Module itself should both be in shadow, however they are clearly illuminated. Is the proof in these details?

The Van Allen Radiation Belt

The Van Allen Radiation Belt is a torus of energetic charged particles (plasma) around Earth, held in place by Earth's magnetic field. Energetic electrons form two distinct radiation belts, while protons form a single belt. Within these belts are particles capable of penetrating about 1 g/cm2 [2] of shielding (e.g., 1 millimeter of lead, no where near what the light weight apollo capsules had). Humans, solar cells, integrated circuits, and sensors can be damaged by radiation and even modern space shuttle flights have not approached these areas. The apollo missions supposedly ventured through these highly radiated areas both traveling to the moon and returning without effect.

Where's the Blast Crater?

You would think that the blast from a 9,870 LB thrust rocket engine would cause a blast crater under an Apollo Lunar Module, not to mention a trench dug out the length of it's approach. Strangely there is no evidence of this on the photos and videos that show the LM neatly sitting on the moon's surface.

Comments:

Vladimir Putin, Former President of Russia . "Hey, those crazy Americans sure fooled us! They must have been using radio-transmitters and pigeons or something! All this time and everyone in the Soviet Space Authority thought the radio signals were coming from the moon. Duh! I think they must have been on the vodka!"

NASA spokestypeperson. "We cannot comment any further on this. You simply have no idea what a 37 years supply of donuts costs."

Neil Armstrong. "Aw crap, It's true. They made me do it! I just can't believe we got away with it for so long. We were making it up as we went along!"

A study recently conducted by the (UN) Committee on Global Warming has concluded that global warming (GW) affects men’s penis size.
This rather startling if not disturbing revelation was made during an impromptu press conference by Health Secretary Andy Burnham in London this lunch time. Pointing at a rather large graph, Mr Burnham said, “This graph illustrates the UN committee's findings. The curve has the same upward turning shape that correlates with the famous GW hockey stick curve. The ‘Y’ axis values are increasing penis size in inches and the X axis values are increasing temperature in degrees Fahrenheit.

The significance of this UN' study result is far reaching. It explains why birth rates in cold climates are always less than in hot climates, why the term "Latin Lovers" is relevant in hot climates and why expletives like "Dick Head" and "Big Prick" are also common in hot climates."

After seeing Italian Artist Danilo Ricciardi nude paintings, Mr Burnham has requested that the UN Committee on Global Warming conduct a female study of global warming and it's affects on female genitalia.

DSS have been reliably informed that Channel 4 are about to announce there most shocking reality TV programme to date. “Animal Big Brother”.

Featuring Animals That Are Absolutely Guaranteed To Not Get On!

Surely even the most jaded of reality TV fans would tune in to see what would happen when a giraffe, a gerbil, a moth, a Bengal tiger, an alligator and a magpie entered the famous Big Brother house to embark on a nine-week popularity contest. The show’s producers are confident that the combination of an alien environment and unfamiliar species would spark some truly horrifying encounters if not raunchy, inter-species bonking action involving lots of teeth, claws and sticky fur.

DSS have also learned that the show will be launched in October this year and that the RSPCA have agreed to have an Inspector stationed in the house on a permanent basis for the duration of the series.

Elsewhere, Channel 4 bosses are drawing up plans for programmes that will star the animal evictees of Animal Big Brother. The tiger and the moth are scheduled to co-host their own midday chat-show to compete with ITV’s Loose Women, and it has been generally agreed that the magpie will star in its own sitcom.

Two weeks ago we all heard the breaking news, Michael Jackson is dead, the King of Pop is dead!

However DSS can now, in what is a world exclusive, reveal that the real Michael Jackson actually died over 20 years ago. Its amazing that the Fake Michael Jackson that we have all just witnessed being memorialised had a striking resemblance on facial and bone structure, but as the LA Corroner compared the dead body found with that of Michael Jackson’s stored DNA, it was confirmed to DSS that the recent Michael Jackson, was indeed a fake.

Clic Here and You can read the whole story on How Investigators Discoverd the Corpse of Michael Jackson. This news obviously got us all very curious at DSS and so we conducted a thorough investigation on Michael Jackson. We discovered that both Jackson Experts and Music critics are of the opinion that Michael Jackson was dead before the release of "Man In The Mirror," which was the number 1 hit single during 1988.

This would mean that Michael Jackson died at the age of either 29 or 30 years old. As we looked at the records of Michael Jackson’s Maxilla and Mandible Facial History, a big difference could be observed on Michael Jacksons facial portraits 1988 and 1991. It is not just a slight difference, but a rather large one.

1988:

1991:

Luke Allard, the manager of MJJ Productions was not even surprised about the news that a Fake Michael Jackson had been in existence. During the recording of Heal the World, which was released in 1991, Luke Allard felt that there was something unexplainable about Michael Jackson. He felt something was terribly wrong.

Luke Allard from MJJ Productions stated that “Michael didn’t seem like himself anymore. He’d demand bizarre food and sit for hours in a hyperbaric chamber. His appearance began to become more and more peculiar.”

It is suspected that the Fake Michael Jackson, is actually the one who murdered The Real and Admirable Michael Jackson that we all knew. There is no official statement as yet, as it is still under special investigation by both the CIA and FBI.

Dr. John,
Is it normal to be attracted to animals, or people in animal costumes? That's pretty normal, right? - Furryious in Fulham.

Dear Furryious,
I'm afraid this is a grave condition that's far from normal. When you look at a cat, you should never think that its slender hips and sensual stride are somehow beckoning you near, offering you purity and innocence not found in the humans who so cruelly reject you. If you were a respected practising therapist and people found out that you felt this way, you could lose your registration!

Dear Dr. John,
This is a kind of an embarrassing and personal problem, but I know I can trust you...sometimes, when I think of certain attractive men, I get sexually aroused. The problem is, I'm a man myself! Practically everyone in my family and my village here in Kent thinks stuff like this is disgusting and illegal, but I feel like I can't help these feelings! I try to date girls, but I end up hurting both them and myself because it's not a real relationship. How can I cure myself of this problem??? - Merry in Mereworth

Dear Merry,
You are a very sick bastard. That's really the most technical doctor's term I can think of for you and your disgusting, perverted urges. Here's some advice for you: God hates you, and if you don't straighten yourself out, you're probably going to Hell soon, after you get AIDS and die. I'm very sorry, but that's just how this particular disease (which, by the way, is known as "homosexuality" or "faggotism") works.

By the way, I have notified your family and most of your close friends. They need to be aware of your problem.

Hey Dr. John,
Sometimes I get the notion that my girlfriend is cheating on me. She occasionally goes places without telling me where, and covers it up by saying that she was just getting a haircut or something like that. Yet I haven’t noticed her hair looking much different...except for maybe a little more sluttier! What's going on, and what would be the "mentally healthiest" way to act? - Angry in Accrington

Dear Angry,
I'm afraid it's very obvious that your girlfriend has become a gigantic whore, a fast and easy girl who tries to get laid by every man around. That's the bad news. The good news is, you have every right to be angry, and you are having a healthy reaction to a surprisingly common problem. The next step is laying down some ground rules in your relationship: don't let your girlfriend go anywhere without you going with or giving her explicit permission. Generally, it's a good idea not to let her speak until spoken to, as this reduces the possibility for bitchy-mouth. Finally, keep compliments to the minimum, because if she has more self-esteem she's bound to start slutting it up again.

Contrary to what many people think, recovering from such an incident is possible -- it just takes careful actions to rebuild the trust. If you follow what I've told you, you should feel comfortable again in no time.

Dr. John,
I don't want to sound too suspicious, but I'm getting nervous about my boyfriend being unfaithful to me. He's out until all hours of the night, and when he comes home sometimes he has lipstick and perfume all over him! I want to be a trusting girlfriend, but it's hard when all of this keeps going on. I even found a bra in our bed the other day that wasn't mine! Please, you have to tell me what to do. - Worried in Warrington

Worried,
It's people like you who give all normal women out there a bad name. Go ahead, nag your husband and me some more -- we like it.
Seriously, you need a reality check. Your husband isn't doing anything, and even if he does have another girlfriend or two, he's a man. His goal is to spread his seed. Are you going to get all bitchy because he's fulfilling his evolutionary purpose? God, you women and your periods, I swear. If only we had something so convenient to blame our bitchy behaviour on! Oh wait, we don't need to, because only you ladies are bitches.
How about this, lady: the next time your husband comes home at 4 am, you get some roast beef ready for him, and you be there next to him with the waste bin, just in case he has to vomit from his alcohol intake, and you answer the phone when his lady friends call and explain that he can't talk just now, but if they leave their name and number he'll call them back, and you be thankful a man decided to date you in spite of all your stupid nagging. Christ.

Doctor John,
I feel like I just can't lose enough weight. I'm down to eating practically nothing a day and a lot of my friends even say they're worried about me, but I still feel fat. Is there some kind of psychological condition that might be causing this? - Lilly in Oxford

Dear Lilly,
Yes, there is a condition, but it's not psychological: it’s called "Fat Ass Syndrome" and it's a very serious physical problem that affects many potentially-pretty girls like you every day. In a nutshell, you're feeling fat because you probably still are, no matter how much you've been dieting up to this point. I know your body is trying to stop you from becoming something most of us can actually stand to look at, but hang on: you can overcome it, and soon, you'll change into the beautiful, slim swan that I'm sure you are under all those layers of disgusting flab.

At a press conference this morning at Guards Parade Thistle Hotel London, Boris Johnson Mayor of London, revealed a surprise new event that will make its debut in the 2012 Olympics - a "gruelling, limit-stressing" event known as Acid Swimming.

Brian Jacks of the Olympic Committee explained that the event is designed to "further test the limits of human endurance", as well as raise interest in the Olympics, which has been waning in recent years.

"Let's face it: with terrorist attacks, beheadings, and a war going on, nobody is going to want to see the same old bloody figure skating that they see every year," Jacks said. "With this new event, we hope to re-ignite interest in the Olympics, as well as maintain the games' proud tradition of continuing to show humans in their finest physical glory."

The new event is the result of "years of planning," Jacks said, and will feature a three-lap race around an Olympic-sized pool filled with hundreds of gallons of sulphuric acid.

"Swimmers will not only have to train to build up their muscles to handle the fast swimming they'll want the extra muscle mass so they have more skin and tissue to burn away before the acid reaches their bones. This is because performers who finish missing one or more limbs will be disqualified. Also, losing bones hurts a great deal, and is generally just an unpleasant experience to go through."

In keeping with standard Olympic guidelines, no steroid use will be tolerated in the event. However, due to the acid, additional guidelines must also be implemented.

"If any contestant is found to secretly be wearing a suit of armour, or even fake, acid-resistant skin over their actual skin, they will be disqualified immediately," Jacks said. "This event is designed to test the human body's tolerance for sulphuric acid, not some synthetic material."

Those doubting the viability of the new event will be happy to hear that the Olympic Committee has already tested Acid Swimming in several mock events, reportedly with "great success."

"We tested the event with trained, professional Olympic athletes as if it were the real Olympics, and it went off without a hitch," Jacks boasted. "Those athletes will not be participating in future Olympic events, of course, due to the high degree of strain acid immersion causes to the human body, but this is really common with almost any Olympic event.”

Acid Swimming is yet another mistake in a long line of failures of Brown’s tenure as PM."When will Gordon Brown stop using acid to solve all of Britain's problems?" shouted one protester, who held a sign reading "I NEED A LIFT HOME". "This government is completely corrupt."

For most, though, Acid Swimming will provide exactly what many on the Olympics Committee were hoping for: a new spark in the old games.

"If there's one thing that the Olympics could use in this day and age, it's more people getting hurt and/or embarrassed," said one self-described avid television watcher. "I'm glad the Olympics have finally caught up to the times."

Top Medium Derek Acorah, best known for co presenting Most Haunted, broadcasting on Living, between 2002 and 2005. And currently presenting the series "Derek Acorah" on Sky Real Lives.

Has today confirmed that with the help of his spirit guide Sam he has been able to speak with Michael Jackson.

Mr Acorah said “Michael was not impressed with his memorial service and has lodged a complaint with Lord God Almighty and MTV.”

Michael said, “that there were just too many nobodies and that he barely knew anyone on the stage! He asked, who was that really annoying politician talking absolute shite out of her arse and raving about the declaration of independence?”

Michael also seemed to have major issues with the lack of famous people at his service and demanded to know why Diana Ross, Liz Taylor, Paul McCartney and Liza Minelli didn't even bother to turn up.

He also couldn't understand how or why a fucking Welsh child managed to get on stage? His words not mine and it was at this point I lost contact with him, Mr Acorah said.

Questions were asked today when Yoko Ono was seen entering the Forest Lawn Memorial Park in the Hollywood Hills.

However DSS can exclusively reveal that Yoko Ono Lennon has been outed by CIA operatives as the real mother of the now deceased pop icon Michael Jackson.

The Agency is preparing to send expert testimony to the LA Supreme Court This testimony will show that Yoko had an intense love in with Michael’s father Joe whilst living in New York in the late 50’s.

The CIA witness statements will also demonstrate that the entire Lennon/McCartney songwriting partnership is built on lies, fraud, theft and whopping great big cover-ups related to the November 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy.

It should also be noted that the purchase of the Beatles Song Book by Michael Jackson lies at the heart of a deception cover-up which has ensured Lennon's widow and Paul McCartney benefited immensely from royalty payments for the most lucrative Beatles numbers.

This breaking news is going to set the entertainment world on fire! Now that CIA top brass have reversed a long-standing decision not to prosecute Yoko Ono Lennon for the hiring of Mark Chapman, the assassin who took out John Lennon just as he himself was about to divorce his lying, cheating wife Yoko.

89% of homes in the United Kingdom with teenagers don’t have enough fun time!

Dover, Kent (DSS Newswire) — Teen Fun Perpetual United Friendly Assurance has recently launched its “teen fun time assurance” business. This service provides teens with a chance to both provide and securely share specific details of the lack of safety features in their parent’s homes before a party starts.

Teenagers are given access to an online database and then asked to fill out an online questionnaire. The questionnaire asks the teenager to fill in information about specific fun time items such as the location of firearms, knives, alcohol, condoms, sex lube, sex toys and pornographic material. This information is sure to help ensure a fun time for the teenagers.

In a recent study, researchers found that 99.9% of teenagers feel that there’s a need for this type of information. “It’s about bloody time!” said local teenager Gloria Solent, “Every time I go to my friends place for a party when no grown ups are there they never know where any of the cool stuff is. Now I can finally concentrate on enjoying myself at these parties”, continued Gloria.

“It is widely known that one of the main reasons teenagers don’t share this information is due to a lack of assistance with getting the word out, we aim to fill that need” stated Teen Fun Perpetual Assurance founder Charles Hook. “We can understand the concern some parents may have, but take it from us, we don’t give a shit” continued Mr. Hook.

Special Branch states that in 2008, 1688 teenagers were unable to gain access to important party materials such as guns, drugs and alcohol. They also state that 1,6 87,895 teenagers possessed such time sensitive information such as parent schedules and holiday dates but were unable to get this crucial info to their friends in time to have it positively affect the outcome of the party.

The database is designed to allow teenagers the ability to answer very important questions themselves by completing an on-line profile. The teenagers are then able to provide other teens access to this information by giving them a username and password that is created during the account set-up. The information is strictly confidential and can only be accessed by individuals that the teenager provides access too.

Among the various other benefits provided by this company is the ability for teenagers to purchase morning after pills, wipees, Kleenex, no-dose, energy drinks, and board games. “YES! I thank the LORD of The Rings for the fine people at Teenagers Fun Assurance! I have waited my whole life for the ability to have fun the way I want to. This is a dream come true”, replied Sharon Allbutt from Romford, Essex, when asked what she thought of this idea.

The main focus of the company is to create a free flowing information structure that allows unhindered fun and experimental behaviour amongst teenagers.

Hook says, “if our company helps just one teenager to have the most fun of their life and not have to worry about consequence, our job has been well worth it.”

Many readers of DSS may not realise it, but the founder of this blog i.e., me (i.e., the person writing this)-- is a certified doctor in Psychology! Yes Certified, That's right, I founded this fine blog after a failed bid to become the richest head-doctor in the South-East. Now, I bring my real brain-medicine-thing to you.
Read on below to see the results of me helping distressed readers.

Dear Dr. John,

I'm in a real state of confusion here! I believe I'm attracted to a woman who is too young for me, but I can't help it! I'm a young 53-year-old bloke going on 21, but every time I see this 17 year-old woman waiting at the bus stop, I feel like a teenager again? Could it be love? - Tickled In Tenterden.

Dear Tickled,

It sounds like this woman wants to, to use an expression we commonly say in Psychology circles, have a great deal of sex with you! Showing up at the same bus stop as you every day is a common sign of romance. Plus, it's pretty unlikely that she would need to take the same bus as you every single day. She's not fooling anyone, and the next time you see her, grab her face and shove your tongue in it as if it were a delicious jam doughnut. You'll both be relieved that you don't have to pretend anymore!

Hi Dr. John,

Hope you can help me out here. I have been having these spells where I feel the need to set things on fire. Sometimes I resist them, but sometimes I have what I like to call a special "accident". So far this week, I have had an accident with my bed-sheet, my car upholstery, and a woman who was walking past me when I left my house. I'm a happy and healthy person, and I don't have any real stress (aside from the aforementioned woman trying to get out of my closet and treat her wounds), so what could be wrong? - Burning In Peterborough.

Dear Burning,

Yes, I believe I can help you. You see, setting things on fire is your way of expressing yourself, like some people draw, or some people stab other people. But society makes you feel guilty for doing this, and turns your creativity into a "problem". Well, if I had let society make me think I had a "problem", my father would still be here today, trying to make me make my bed when I'm just going to fucking sleep in it again in ANOTHER NINE HOURS. My God!
Anyway, please continue to burn things, and you'll eventually be rewarded for using your natural gifts. Also, make sure to soundproof the door of the closet where your special creativity partner is being kept.

Hello Doctor John,

I have a very severe problem here that I need help with. I keep having dreams where a man who looks a lot like my father comes into my room and hurts me at night. I feel like this dream drives me to date men who abuse me physically and verbally, and I constantly am drawn to situations that I know will harm me. I think that there must be some psychological reason for all of this, but I can't seem to figure it out. Can you help me? - Ms. Broken In London

Dear Ms. Broken,

It's people like you who make it hard to run a serious advice column. If you want to have your little stupid dreams analysed and talk about your smutty sex fetishes, go to a tarot card reader, or some television psychologist, like Derek Acorah.

Dear Mr. Dr. John,

I'm having trouble sticking to my diet! What can I do? - Overweight Lardass In Birmingham

Dear Lardass,

Well, I'm not really that kind of doctor. The good news is, I'll give you free advice anyway!

You should plan on not eating for several days at one time. You may have heard of these famous "carb-cutting" diets, and they do have the right idea, but there is one area where they fail: they still allow you to consume some food, and food is directly responsible for adding weight to your body. What these fat cat doctors don't want you to know is that you can actually go for several days without eating any food and only drinking some water every now and then, and still be perfectly alive! When you do have to eat, remember to keep your Vomiting Stick handy, which is what we doctors call the thing that you stick in your throat to make you throw your food up after you eat it. Don't let the name fool you it doesn't always have to be a stick. Consider your finger, the handle of a long spoon, or the hand of a loved one as other devices.

In what UK scientists are describing as a landmark medical breakthrough, doctors have announced the discovery of Gordon Brown's cerebrum. The epoch-making event occurred during a routine colonoscopy. "We found a tiny mass embedded in the wall of the prime ministers lower intestine," said Dr James Asquith at a packed news conference at Hammersmith Hospital, London. "Tests of the tissue indicated that the mass was indeed a brain." At approximately one millimetre in diameter, the object is believed to be the smallest hominid brain known to science.

Brown's aides immediately reacted to the astounding news. "This simply confirms that the prime minister is indeed an intelligent life form, something that only Conservatives, Terrorists and their Liberal enablers have ever doubted," said Brown’s private press secretary Anthony Biddleswade. Browns associates privately expressed relief that the prime minister does in fact possess an organ capable of cognition. "We had almost lost hope," said a Downing Street official who insisted on anonymity.

The discovery has reignited the fierce debate in the United Kingdom over the validity of Darwin's theory of evolution. "It appears that the complete isolation of Downing Street has allowed Brown to become an entirely new species, much as the isolation of the Galapagos Islands produced species unique to that ecosystem," said Sir John Cornish, Professor of Reactionary Biology at Cambridge University.

International reaction has been mixed. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, who considers his own cerebrum to be "Phat", said that he never doubted that Brown "deep down" was a "thinker". "I knew that Gordon had the intestinal fortitude to be a supreme leader.

Others were much less charitable. "I've always thought Brown had shit for brains," said Hassan Nasrallah, leader of the Lebanese Hezbollah movement. "This discovery would seem to put the issue to rest."

Last night I was getting into bed with my woman and once I had tactfully reminded her that it was the third Tuesday in a month with an 'U' in it, the plucky little woman lost no time is assuming the 'position' familiar to millions of British partners who endure the unpleasantness of conjugal relations seven times a year (eight, in a leap year). Naturally the lights were off and the curtains drawn. We're not Americans, after all.

Hey, the passion started to heat up until she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying: "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

I attempted to revive her flagging ardour by reminding her what I had seen her doing in the bathroom with our daughter's electric toothbrush only last week, she peremptorily slapped my hand away and snapped: "That's different. A toothbrush doesn't fall asleep afterwards or mess up my hair."

Realising that nothing was going to happen I went to sleep.

This morning I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out for a nice lunch down by the Medway and then went to shop at House of Fraser in Maidstone. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her that we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "let's get a pair for each outfit, my angel." We then went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was several sandwiches short of a full lunchbox. I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a massager in the Personal Care department when she doesn't even have arthritis.

I think that I amazed her when I said, "That's fine dear. Why not buy one of those vibrating rocking horses too?"

I swear she was so excited that she was almost coming in the designer thong I'd bought her. Flushed with pre-orgasmic joy and just a teeny bit moist, she finally gushed: "I think that's all darling, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

"I don't feel like it," I repeated sweetly. "I just want you to HOLD the stuff for a while. You're not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." When her expression had darkened sufficiently to warn me that she was about to kill me, I added smoothly: "Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either as I heard an electric toothbrush whirring in the bathroom!

"Who killed MJ?"
"I," said the Doctor,
"From my needle he got that last Demerol shot.
"I killed MJ.”

"Who saw him die?"
"I," said TMZ,
"Well, it either was me or the guys from ET.
I saw him die."

"Who spread the word?"
"We," said the Herd.
"We Tweeted it along
although we spelled his name wrong.
We spread the word."

"Who'll make the rounds?"
"I," said Corey Feldman.
"It’s a sad day for me, but I’m pretty much free.
I'll make the rounds."

"Who'll dig his grave?"
"We," said the Papers,
"It’s rough and unsteady, but we’re down here already.
We’ll dig his grave."

"Who'll gather the eulogies?"
"We," said the Larry King Bookers.
"In this chaotic scene we got Cher and Celine.
We’ll gather the eulogies.”

"Who'll shed the tears?"
"I," said Madonna.
“It might seem insincere
But I’ll cry for a year.
(Point that camera here.)
I’ll shed the tears.”

“Who’ll settle the estate?”
“We,” said the Lawyers.
“There’s not much to seize, but we’ll still bill our fees.
We’ll settle the estate.”

"Who'll sing the song?"
"We," said the Siblings.
"While we’re clearly much grieved, we are also relieved.
We’ll sing the song.”

"Who'll toll the bell?"
"I," said the Blogger
"Though I’m kind of irate that it carries such weight
There’s no way to pass up this much traffic linkbait.
I’ll toll the bell.”

And the folks on the web kept their posts right on top,
When they heard the bell toll for the poor King of Pop.

Fertility expert Dr Ian Dance told DSS today that there was no longer any justification for withholding the benefits of the latest advances in in- vitro fertilisation (IVF) from millions of British women; women who are desperate for the chance of bearing children that will have the stunning good looks, scintillating personality and enviable intelligence of 'A-list' celebrities like Jordan and David Beckham.

In-vitro Fertilisation is the process used to conceive a child outside of the body. A woman's eggs and a man's sperm are placed together in a plastic dish for fertilisation. Once fertilised, the resulting embryos are placed back in the woman's uterus in the hope that a successful pregnancy will follow or, more commonly, that a pregnancy will not follow, so that wildly optimistic mums will continue to hand over loads of cash to blokes in white coats who like fingering women's naughty bits.

Until now, The UK Human Embryology Association has restricted the availability of IVF to screening embryos for serious genetic defects such as red hair, short, fat legs and greasy skin. But popular TV shows like “Jordan and Pete,” “Big Brother” and 'I'm a rich and famous good-looking bitch; get me out of here! have fuelled the demand for children that have a better than even chance of becoming a C-List celebrity or possibly getting a walk-on part in Coronation Street or East Enders.

The clamour from clinically obese, intellectually challenged women on supplementary benefit, who are fed up with having babies who will grow up to work as call-centre operators and marry a plumber from Brentwood called 'Chas' is putting increasing pressure on the UKHEA to make IVF freely available from 1st September 2009.

Dr Ian Dance was enthusiastic about the benefits of a relaxation of the rules when we interviewed him at his clinic in London's fashionable Kensington. "Parents are rightfully demanding IVF and genetic screening to create babies who will grow up to be rich, good-looking and famous. We now have the technology to completely eliminate undesirable genetic traits such as small breasts, underarm hair and male pattern baldness. Do we really want to consign our children to lives of obscurity, low pay and expensive cosmetic surgery when they could grow up to be Posh and Beck’s or even Wayne Rooney?"

The UKHEA is expected to bow to public pressure and the representations of leading specialists like Dr Dance to bring UK policy in line with the United States, where parents have long been able to choose from a wide selection of “baby styles” at Wal-Mart stores. As Dr Dance was quick to point out, the free availability of IVF in America has all but eradicated the genetic weaknesses which plague the UK and produced such outstanding individuals as The Olsen Twins, Eminem and Britney Spears. "If it's OK for America it's got to be good for us," commented a short, fat woman with red hair and greasy skin.