Fertility expert Dr Ian Dance told DSS today that there was no longer any justification for withholding the benefits of the latest advances in in- vitro fertilisation (IVF) from millions of British women; women who are desperate for the chance of bearing children that will have the stunning good looks, scintillating personality and enviable intelligence of 'A-list' celebrities like Jordan and David Beckham.
In-vitro Fertilisation is the process used to conceive a child outside of the body. A woman's eggs and a man's sperm are placed together in a plastic dish for fertilisation. Once fertilised, the resulting embryos are placed back in the woman's uterus in the hope that a successful pregnancy will follow or, more commonly, that a pregnancy will not follow, so that wildly optimistic mums will continue to hand over loads of cash to blokes in white coats who like fingering women's naughty bits.
Until now, The UK Human Embryology Association has restricted the availability of IVF to screening embryos for serious genetic defects such as red hair, short, fat legs and greasy skin. But popular TV shows like “Jordan and Pete,” “Big Brother” and 'I'm a rich and famous good-looking bitch; get me out of here! have fuelled the demand for children that have a better than even chance of becoming a C-List celebrity or possibly getting a walk-on part in Coronation Street or East Enders.
The clamour from clinically obese, intellectually challenged women on supplementary benefit, who are fed up with having babies who will grow up to work as call-centre operators and marry a plumber from Brentwood called 'Chas' is putting increasing pressure on the UKHEA to make IVF freely available from 1st September 2009.
Dr Ian Dance was enthusiastic about the benefits of a relaxation of the rules when we interviewed him at his clinic in London's fashionable Kensington. "Parents are rightfully demanding IVF and genetic screening to create babies who will grow up to be rich, good-looking and famous. We now have the technology to completely eliminate undesirable genetic traits such as small breasts, underarm hair and male pattern baldness. Do we really want to consign our children to lives of obscurity, low pay and expensive cosmetic surgery when they could grow up to be Posh and Beck’s or even Wayne Rooney?"
The UKHEA is expected to bow to public pressure and the representations of leading specialists like Dr Dance to bring UK policy in line with the United States, where parents have long been able to choose from a wide selection of “baby styles” at Wal-Mart stores. As Dr Dance was quick to point out, the free availability of IVF in America has all but eradicated the genetic weaknesses which plague the UK and produced such outstanding individuals as The Olsen Twins, Eminem and Britney Spears. "If it's OK for America it's got to be good for us," commented a short, fat woman with red hair and greasy skin.
