Many readers of DSS may not realise it, but the founder of this blog i.e., me (i.e., the person writing this)-- is a certified doctor in Psychology! Yes Certified, That's right, I founded this fine blog after a failed bid to become the richest head-doctor in the South-East. Now, I bring my real brain-medicine-thing to you.
Read on below to see the results of me helping distressed readers.
Dear Dr. John,
I'm in a real state of confusion here! I believe I'm attracted to a woman who is too young for me, but I can't help it! I'm a young 53-year-old bloke going on 21, but every time I see this 17 year-old woman waiting at the bus stop, I feel like a teenager again? Could it be love? - Tickled In Tenterden.
Dear Tickled,
It sounds like this woman wants to, to use an expression we commonly say in Psychology circles, have a great deal of sex with you! Showing up at the same bus stop as you every day is a common sign of romance. Plus, it's pretty unlikely that she would need to take the same bus as you every single day. She's not fooling anyone, and the next time you see her, grab her face and shove your tongue in it as if it were a delicious jam doughnut. You'll both be relieved that you don't have to pretend anymore!
Hi Dr. John,
Hope you can help me out here. I have been having these spells where I feel the need to set things on fire. Sometimes I resist them, but sometimes I have what I like to call a special "accident". So far this week, I have had an accident with my bed-sheet, my car upholstery, and a woman who was walking past me when I left my house. I'm a happy and healthy person, and I don't have any real stress (aside from the aforementioned woman trying to get out of my closet and treat her wounds), so what could be wrong? - Burning In Peterborough.
Dear Burning,
Yes, I believe I can help you. You see, setting things on fire is your way of expressing yourself, like some people draw, or some people stab other people. But society makes you feel guilty for doing this, and turns your creativity into a "problem". Well, if I had let society make me think I had a "problem", my father would still be here today, trying to make me make my bed when I'm just going to fucking sleep in it again in ANOTHER NINE HOURS. My God!
Anyway, please continue to burn things, and you'll eventually be rewarded for using your natural gifts. Also, make sure to soundproof the door of the closet where your special creativity partner is being kept.
Hello Doctor John,
I have a very severe problem here that I need help with. I keep having dreams where a man who looks a lot like my father comes into my room and hurts me at night. I feel like this dream drives me to date men who abuse me physically and verbally, and I constantly am drawn to situations that I know will harm me. I think that there must be some psychological reason for all of this, but I can't seem to figure it out. Can you help me? - Ms. Broken In London
Dear Ms. Broken,
It's people like you who make it hard to run a serious advice column. If you want to have your little stupid dreams analysed and talk about your smutty sex fetishes, go to a tarot card reader, or some television psychologist, like Derek Acorah.
Dear Mr. Dr. John,
I'm having trouble sticking to my diet! What can I do? - Overweight Lardass In Birmingham
Dear Lardass,
Well, I'm not really that kind of doctor. The good news is, I'll give you free advice anyway!
You should plan on not eating for several days at one time. You may have heard of these famous "carb-cutting" diets, and they do have the right idea, but there is one area where they fail: they still allow you to consume some food, and food is directly responsible for adding weight to your body. What these fat cat doctors don't want you to know is that you can actually go for several days without eating any food and only drinking some water every now and then, and still be perfectly alive! When you do have to eat, remember to keep your Vomiting Stick handy, which is what we doctors call the thing that you stick in your throat to make you throw your food up after you eat it. Don't let the name fool you it doesn't always have to be a stick. Consider your finger, the handle of a long spoon, or the hand of a loved one as other devices.
