Swine Flu, Blue Tongue, Avian Flu, Foot & Mouth ,Verbal Diarrhoea, Potato Blight, Aids, Alcoholism, you name it and Britain has got it! Why should people still want to come here?
Today, Oxford University scientists discovered a new disease which is predicted to reach epidemic proportions in less than six months, thus rendering "Our Green and Pleasant Land" paralysed. This disease is so deadly and contagious that even immigrants will catch it. The government has announced that it is to take immediate action.
This disease is called "PLUMBUMITIS", or Swinging The Lead; (Plumbum = Latin word meaning lead).
Professor Wilfred Titmus from the university's laboratory for contagious diseases has given a list of symptoms to look out for; he asks:
Are you Obese
Do you suffer from Stress
Have you had Back Ache
Do you suffer Migraines
Do you Claim Incapacity Benefit
Mr Joseph Gerrard, from Croxteth, Liverpool told DSS News "This is really bad news for me this means I've gotta go and find a job which will send my stress level sky high. I'll have no time to spend at the pub anymore and I won't be able to have a good mixed grill at the local greasy spoon. What am I going to do? I'm only 24 and will have to sell my Play Station 3. Sharon and the kids will go ape!"
The bill for Incapacity Benefit is said to cost the government over £3 billion and much of this could be spent on better things; such as Clearing the National Debt, The NHS, Olympic stadiums, upgrading our nuclear deterrent, or even more importantantly purchasing decent equipment for the entire British Army,
It is estimated that as many as 94% of politicians fit the criteria for "PLUMBUMITIS", so the House of Commons may have to be dissolved. It is important that the MPs who present the symptoms should be culled and a rash of by-elections be held. Naturally the Foreign Office are going to claim 'Diplomatic Immunity'.
Gordon Brown is said to be one of the first to go.
