The Dead Synapses Society

Embattled reality TV star Kerry Katona was arrested by Warrington Police this morning for allegedly assaulting a man with pieces of battered fish from Iceland.

Ms Katona, who was recently dropped as the face of the Iceland frozen foods chain, is said to have a ton of battered Cod that she received as part of a severance package.

The man alleges she pelted him with battered Cod, breaded Haddock and breaded bread. He told police she blames him for her recent financial problems.

Police are questioning the former Atomic Kitten over the alleged assault just days after they cautioned her for snorting the white stuff.

A spokeswoman for Ms Katona - her cousin Sharon - said "Oi! Get lost! I ain't got nuffink to say right!"

Masturbation Championship’s 2009, Sponsored by “KY Jelly”

The World Masturbation Championship 2009 will be held in the town of Sevenoaks, Kent, on 26th September at the “Bird in Hand Public House” starting at 1900hrs.

Festivities will include the induction of Peter Andre a.k.a. JORDANS Lacky into the Jack-off Hall of Fame.

Contestants will compete for prizes in several categories: self masturbation (with and without visual stimulation, most volume, quickest, and slowest events), team masturbation (most volume, quickest, and slowest events), and the ever popular shooting for distance event.

One rule change is that all visual stimulation pictures must be of the same person (though different pictures of that person may be chosen). The as-yet-unnamed woman is known to be a popular Hollywood actress, but her identity has not yet been made public.

Somewhere just off the outskirts of Charring in Kent a scientist was following his dreams. Kevin, by name, was considered a quack by at least half the village and crazy by the other half. Self-Diagnosed as having some "Doolittles" disease, Kevin was convinced that Bees could communicate and was trying to prove his point.

It was common knowledge by all that his wife Debby put up with the marriage due to the fact that her father in law was incredibly wealthy and fortunately for her terminally ill. She put up with their rather boring non-existent sex life and the constant bottom pinches she endured, as Kevin acted more and more bee like. On one occasion she said that she was "The Queen Bee", in which case Kevin lashed out at her and gave her a mega-pinching. Debby was a regular down at the local pub and was considered quick lay by the majority of the guys and girls.

Soon however a child was born to Debby and she felt that Kevin her husband would now change (even though the father was some other bloke). She was terribly wrong. At that point Debby decided to take measures in her own hands and arranged that at the very least her still dying father in law could pay for a nanny while she was volunteering at the art college (as a nude paintings model).

A rather voluptuous nanny named Beatrice responded to the ad and there was something about her. She mentioned that she was very familiar with Kevin's research and read about everything he wrote, something that the married couple took in their stride considering that Kevin had never published a thing.

In the days that followed Beatrice seemed about the worst nanny possible, but boy was she sex on legs. She did seem to be out in the garden a lot, mostly sucking on flowers, which sort of turned on the sexless married couple.

It happened one day as Debby was out doing her college thing, when Kevin announced out loud to himself that he had made a breakthrough. Beatrice rushed over as the first translation of bee talk started happening. This is what came out...

"Hey Buzz...the Queen sure looks funny in a dress" spoke one of the bees.

"Shut up drone. She's going to fry your arse. Remember she's undercover" spoke yet another.

"Oh yeah. She's gonna help us take over the world if we play our cards right" spoke even yet another of these bees.

"Bees rule" came out in unison.

As Kevin started to get excited by his new discovery he was feeling excited from another area. Beatrice was feeling down in his crotch area, which was coming alive. Pushing back the swivel seat in which Kevin sat, she began to unzip his fly as she turned off the translator thingamajig.

"Bees talk such nonsense. Human's now that is an interesting subject", the nanny spoke as she went down.

Deep-throating Kevin seemed to be what the scientist needed. Beatrice stopped and asked if she could put some honey on his cock to help with the taste. Kevin showed her where he kept the honey jars. Beatrice finished Kevin over and over again. She shagged him non-stop and smiled as she witnessed Debby coming back home.

Debby knew that the nanny was up to no good and decided to confront and fire her. That evening Kevin was trying to find out why the wiring seemed to have been removed from his Bee translator devise and decided to go back to town. Debby took this opportunity to confront Beatrice and told her that she wanted her to leave right now. Beatrice started to cry and told Debby that she had never met someone that had such nice high heels before. Debby felt flattered and began showing them off.

As Beatrice touched them, she felt Beatrice's hands move up her leg. Debby didn’t object as the touch felt good - real good. Soon the girls were in bed together. Debby noted that Beatrice tasted just like honey as she ate away.

As the girls continued having wild sex, the translator thingamajig started going off - Kevin had returned and fixed it.

"I always knew the Queen was BI" spoke a rather inspired bee.

"Isn't Beatrice a corny name Spike?" spoke yet another of these flittering creatures.

"Shut up Buzz. It's a human name remember?" a rather big bee spoke as he bumped up against the glass.

"Oh yeah right she's human, but you know something? Man those humans's are ugly. They all look alike" spoke another bee as he/she/it went headlong into a nosedive.

"Keep your traps closed idiots. That human is trying to listen to us" the big bee muttered mere inches away from Kevin.

"That Kevin is one crazy dude" spoke a bee that also came against the glass to check out this human creature.

With a gun in hand Kevin startled Debby who was in bed with Beatrice.

"Hey the gigs up Beatrice or should I say "The Queen Bee"", said Kevin.

"I don't think so", said Beatrice as wings sprouted from her back as bees were trying to make their way into the bedroom.

Kevin's shot went wide as Beatrice quickly flew by it. Beatrice grabbed Kevin around the neck as a sharp pincher started to move from under her large arse (which once was nice and tight looking). Debby belted Beatrice over the head with a nearby Dildo, which sent the Half Bee - Half-Human leader reeling up against the gas cooker. A flame from the gas rings caught one of Beatrice's wings and in no time at all she was burnt to a crisp.

Kevin and Debby grabbed their baby and ran away as their house burned to the ground. No remains were ever found of "The Queen Bee."

Kevin swore he'd never work with Bees again. However one day, while washing his car, he noticed a cat looking around and began to dream that same stupid dream again

The End

The Freed Lockerbie Terrorist has opened a Soho-style Pole Dancing Club-cum-Casino in the Libyan Presidential Palace in Tripoli, just days after doing a runner from Scotland.

Colonel Gaddafi was so thrilled at at al-Megrahi's spectacular PR coup that he personally signed over a franchise to run the country's second biggest national industry - a casino licence for visiting naturists.

Gaddafi told our reporter "It's what a compassionate Scottish Higher Power would have wanted,"
Al-Megrahi's miraculous recovery from the jaws of the Celtic Grim Reaper has been seen as a Ramadan omen.

He has been showered with gifts including Rolls Royce motors, Gold Watches, Diamond Jewellery and countless Biopic Movie Deals.

And Madonna has now vowed to have his baby.

The True or False TV Show on Ch 4 have excelled themselves. In a specially extended, 4-week programme, the male duo presenters were treated to 25 virgins each, at a rate of 3 per day with Sundays as a day of rest. Said a Ch 4 TV Executive - "I have never seen the guys so dedicated or keen. They were an inspiration and I am proud to have been associated with this crucial programme".

The True or False Team were investigating the myth, "Let me make love to you tonight, and in just fourteen short days, your virginity will grow back and no-one will ever know".

The deflorations were specially recorded by covert cameras, as were the assurances of the male presenters that the 2-week regrowth was factual.

For anyone interested in viewing the research it is available at http//www.CantBelievelimGettingAwayWithThis.net.

The token female presenter apparently refused to participate, her hymen having been destroyed in the explosion of a homemade bouncing bomb a la Dambusters.

At the conclusion of the 4-week programme the ex-virgins were medically examined by a passing First-Aider on national television.

No hymen had gown back!

Myth Dispelled!

STOP PRESS: The True or False Team have been challenged by London Mayor Boris Johnson to disclose where the hell in London they found 50 virgins.

In a serious attempt bid to stem the rising tide of hospital admissions among young women here in the UK, The British Government today announced its intention to slap health warnings on 'phallic-shaped' vegetables and Fruity 'sex toys'

"We are right behind the Government on this one," a bubbly, 35-year-old spoke person for Sainsbury’s. Britain's leading supermarket chain told DSS breathlessly. "Our stores are no longer prepared to turn a blind eye to the shocking abuse of vegetables by a sick minority of depraved women."

Among the list of unsavoury produce on the Government’s hit list are cucumbers, bananas, courgettes, carrots and squashes, which will have to carry a Government Health warning that: 'improper use is liable to corrupt and deprave, and may lead to surgical intervention'. But that is just the thin edge of an extremely wide veg or, a’hem wedge, as UK Minister for Sexual Education & Health, Dr Adam Helmut, was at pains to point out to our researcher. "Only last week," the bespectacled women's health campaigner told us, "I saw a woman in my local Tesco’s casually put a phallic-shaped butternut squash, a tub of margarine and a packet of King Size condoms on the conveyor. Now what sort of example does that set to my two teenage daughters?"

"Well, at least she's practising safe sex," we commented.

"That's as maybe," snorted Dr Helmut. "My proposed new Vegetable Abuse Bill will soon wipe the grin off those “filthy young women’s faces.”

"Bill?"

"Yes, If my legislation is passed the sale of these and other disgusting vegetable 'sex toys' will be restricted to married women over 55."

"Won't that rather undermine the Government's initiative to get the public eating more healthily?"

"We're not completely naïve, you know," bristled the Minister. "Pre-packaged, fresh, diced vegetables will be unaffected by the ban. As will tinned carrots and pickled cucumbers. Let's see them young girls try to masturbate with those!"

Consumer watchdog, Which Veg? Were quick to pounce on the new health warnings, claiming that "this is a cynical move to drive up the price of fruit and veg ahead of the Minister's proposed new legislation."

Peter Andre appeared on a Sky News Special this evening (Sponsored by The Daily Star) in front of a room packed full of fans and reporters, he spent thirty minutes venting his fury about Jordan’s behaviour.

"I find the whole issue deeply upsetting, scandalous and Jordan is in a unique position to sort out this whole sorry mess."

He looked directly at the camera and said: "Jordan the world is looking at you, what are you going to do?" He paused - and continued. "You could broker a lasting peace deal with the Palestinians and Israelis and help ensure a lasting and sustainable formula that will bring stability to the region. Why will you not do more Jordan? Why?"

The audience looked aghast. Our now confused reporter asked: "Erm, we think you have may have been talking about the Middle Eastern state called Jordan. Have you any thoughts about Jordan - you know Katie Price, your estranged wife and the woman who sells millions of tabloid newspapers and keeps people like us in work?"

Peter shook his head and the reporters and the audience left disappointed, because the things that they really cared about had been ignored.

Meanwhile a nuclear state continued to oppress a whole load of poor people.

The Government in Colombia has decided to use Kerry Katona as a health warning. They plan to show what a mess you cam make of your life if you live the Kerry Katona lifestyle.

The Colombian Government formally announced on CNN this afternoon that the Former pop star, reality star, shopping star, star Mum, Evening star and Star of Wilmslow Cheshire, big bird Kerry Katona will be the new "Nasus of Colombia"!

Senor Rodregez from the Ministry for National Health Promotion told our reporter from his deckchair on a beach in Santa Teresa, Cartegena, that he hopes to convince the public of the United Kingdom that Colombia is the only reason Ms Katona is still alive.

"I believe that the medicinal qualities of our white powder are undervalued", Kerry is living proof of its benefits gushed the moustachioed official.

The UK Government however remain to be convinced although Health Minister Ann Keen says "She'll try a little bit to see if it's ok?"

The British Government today announced a package of new measures designed to make the country more environmentally friendly. Government Ministers were keen to show off their green roots, which they had had done especially last night.

However, the measures, which include targets for cutting car use and pollution, were denounced by experts as being "completely useless" and "pointless as usual". Sylvia Starlight Stardust, a campaigner for WWF, RSPCA, Greenpeace and Alcoholics Anonymous, said in a statement, "The government has no idea how to cut greenhouse gas emissions or how to reduce fossil fuel consumption. The nearest any of them have ever come to a wind farm is Gordon Brown."

Despite this criticism, officials are keen to get the ball rolling. None of the measures, though, are likely to appeal to motorists, who will face yet more restrictions. One of the first to be implemented will be a weekly limit on fuel uptake for all private domestic vehicles, the banning of the building of new petrol stations, followed by restrictions on the activities of breakdown services, and then mandatory bus lanes on all roads with more than one lane - even ones with no buses. Motorists' organisations the AA and the RAC declined to comment, on the grounds of complete utter disbelief.

A rather dizzy Transport Secretary Lord Andrew Adonis, speaking after riding his day-hire bicycle into the back of a bus near Westminster, told us, "We are determined to make this country more anti-motorist to piss off both American and European tourists even more." He added, after being prodded in the back by an aide, "Err more environmentally friendly, I mean. We're not anti-motorist. Really!"

This strategy sets out how we intend to reduce greenhouse gas emissions from transport. It also shows how transport will make a major contribution to UK efforts to reduce CO2 emissions by 2022 and 2050 in line with the Climate Change Act 2008.

When asked what he was going to do to cut greenhouse gas emissions, Lord Adonis ran away from our reporter spluttering, complaining that he needed to get away from the traffic fumes.

Burka, Pakistan – Katie Price aka Jordan shocked fans and the media world today when she announced she is giving up her mediocre career to be come the 21st wife of Osama Bin Laden.

Jordan was said to be taken by his charm, charisma, Spartan life style and sans toilet paper, up in the mountains of Pakistan. Jordan spoke to DSS via satellite phone this afternoon.

“Hello, is this the Andre residence?! You see what you have drove me too you bastard! "You're the lowest of the low and I can't even believe I ever married you.
"Sick is exactly what you are. People have got into your head. It's unbelievable how you've changed.”

“I hope you're happy now!...Oh is this the interview? I'm so sorry, I'm still adjusting to the thin air up here, I thought I heard Peter in the background." (Machine gun fire, music and shouting) "The guys are pretty happy today, that's what you're hearing, they're celebrating, I told them Gordon Brown is surrendering, and that Osama and I are going on our honeymoon tonight.”

We then asked Mrs Laden-Price what a honeymoon there would entail. “Well really it is pretty romantic. I get to carry a 190lb pack up a mountain, in my Burke, to a small cave, where I will cook a goat and set up a bed for Osama and I. Then after I kill him for being a sadistic, sick, male chauvinistic bastard, I'll return to the UK and continue my career.”

Mrs. Laden-Price then went on to explain how she really loved goat meat and the non-toilet paper life style, but being the 21st wife was the pits, because the other wives hate her guts.

Canterbury, Kent, 2009

After many hours of searching, Canterbury Cathedral handy man Jesus Mathews has been confirmed as being alive and well. Mr Mathews, of Canterbury, Kent, was thought to have been missing since a Tornado hit earlier this week.

It has since come to light that Mr Mathews (44) has been staying with his sister in Bromley for the last 3 weeks. This move was not permanent and only came about since he finished his last job on "St Nicholas Church" on West Street and work generally dried up.

Father Fergus O’Malley, of 'St Nicholas Church', raised the alarm early in the morning after the Tornado hit. He was spotted by a local TV Crew, stumbling around The High Street shouting 'Jesus, Jesus, where are you?’ Jesus, what is happening to the world' and Jesus come back to save us' shortly before being winched away by Paramedics.

Father O’Malley is still recovering in hospital and there are reports that he suffered a major nervous breakdown when being told that Mr Mathews had survived. Hospital porter, Josh White, (72) witnessed Father O'Malley being given the good news. "He was sat in bed with all these pipes comin outta him when a nurse said 'Not to worry Father, Jesus lives and is currently living in Bromley, Kent'. He just went kinda pale and started to dribble". The hospital is unavailable to comment on his situation stating that ‘We are too busy for this nonsense, can't you see what's going on around here?’

The Vatican has released the following statement within the last hour. ‘We are delighted that Jesus has been found and is well. We are looking into the repercussions of his return and intend to monitor the situation closely. We confirm that this does in no way invalidate the position of the Pope XVII'.

Mr Mathews says he has no plans to return to Canterbury and has issued the following statement ‘I'd like to thank yer'all for yer concern. I am staying with me Sister until I get back on me feet. I quite like it here, it's pretty, I feel bad for Father O’Malley though and I hope he gets better very soon'.

Hastings, East Sussex: Sixth Form Student Adam Chance is one angry 17 year old; in fact he's stark raving mad. His fits of rage have landed him in the Head's office 36 times this year setting a new Hastings Sixth Form College record. While teachers and peers have been on the receiving end of his tantrums, they haven't been the only ones paying attention.

The Centre for the “Ridiculousness of Abstinence Only Sex Education”, has been keeping a close eye on Adam Chance and the 200,000 other students across the country who have received their first dose of abstinence-only sex education and shown increases in aggression and anger.

"We believe that there is a direct correlation between the manner in which students are introduced to sexuality and their attitudes towards social interaction," said David Dogging, director of the institute. The centre is worried that educational implementations such as the video series "It's My Hymen and I'll Wait if I Want To," and worksheets such as "Why Pre-Marital Sex Will Make You Go Blind," have had detrimental effects on the attitudes of students.

We've seen decreases in performance and increases in violent behaviour? Noted Sue Hampshire, a teacher at Hastings College. We've contemplated abandoning the curriculum, but we're all a little worried about 'the trip'. "The trip that she refers to concerns the 10,000 teachers now being held indefinitely at Camp Hill Prison, Isle of Wight. For what the government has deemed "subversive teaching methods." Education Secretary Ed Balls has warned teachers that any education method that does not fit neatly into the government standardized but non-funded curriculum will be deemed an act of terror against the Holy Empire of the United Kingdom. "We don't need our kids getting all mixed up in their hormones and neglecting what's really important, "said Balls. We need students to realize that the standardized tests that they will be taking will make or break their careers. If they want to survive in this open market society, then the market in their pants needs to stay off limits until they can afford to get married, move into an overpriced suburb, and utilize intercourse for the sole purposes of procreation and tax benefits."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown will be making a visit next week to the annual "Cheering for Chastity" convention at Cliff Theological College, in the Peak District. After the festivities, the prime minister will become restless from watching young girls in short skirts between the ages of 17-19 jump up and down repeatedly which will require him to vent his sexual inadequacy and frustration through joining the USA in the annihilation of yet another ill-equipped and underdeveloped country.

An elderly couple from Blackpool has admitted supplying drugs to Amy Winehouse.

The Drugs in question, called “ Go Loopy Juice”, are a silly combination of ecstasy, crack cocaine and J2O fruit based beverages.

The couple, who cannot be named for legal reasons, are called Fred and Gladys O’Brien. The husband and wife man and women admitted to supplying the singer with Class A drugs at Blackpool Crown Court today and could now face up to at least 4 hours community service.

The couple did however deny one charge of conspiring to get Amy Winehouse off her tits, by stating that she "already was".

Ms Winehouse responded by saying the drugs were "ok" but definitely not "what I would call class A".

Ms Winehouse is said to be 67% cocaine by leading scientists, and a further 30% hair.

The couple is due back in court on the 5th October 2009.

Scientists from Liverpool University claim to have discovered evidence of the world’s most average person, a creature previously thought to have been merely a boring myth.

The common name for the creature whom scientists claim possesses an abundance of every menial and predictable character trait possible is Henry Plantagenant. He was unearthed in Liverpool late yesterday, when scientists spotted him amidst city pedestrians by not noticing him at all. “This Plantagenant specimen is so thoroughly average, it’s exceptional,” said lead researcher Bruce Dickson, sociology professor. “Plantagenant has absolutely no characteristic or personality that differs him from anyone else, except that very quality.

“Now in captivity, scientists have observed Plantagenant engaging in a number of extraordinarily average activities, including filling out a Football Pools Coupon in between sending texts to his girlfriend about seeing the number two movie at the box office this past weekend alone, these elements would not set Plantagenant apart from other specimens once thought to be the epitome of average. But Dickson says the key to the discovery is Plantagenant’s “truly uninspiring” combination of everything predictable and unremarkable. “I’m practically beside myself with disinterest,” said Dickson.

“I’ve never seen anything so profoundly insipid before in all my years of specializing in social homogeny and blandness. “Plantagenant’s habitat a one-bedroom apartment in West Derby, Liverpool has also been subject to intensive study, revealing evidence of co-habitation with another completely non-remarkable person named Julie, who is currently believed to be out shopping for a Liverpool FC doggie jersey for Plantagenant’s chocolate Labrador, RS.

Despite a general paucity of uniqueness, Julie was nevertheless determined to be noticeably below average in a number of ways, which makes her part of the normal human race, not a member of her featureless boyfriend’s species. Now that the summation of all that is not exceptional yet not explicitly pathetic has been reduced to a singular specimen, experts are pondering the possibilities and ramifications of the discovery not only for science, but in the important fields of profiteering and general exploitology.

“While it may be unethical to clone Plantagenant’s DNA, just think of a future where advertisers and politicians don’t need to worry about market research, demographics or preferences,” said social biologist William Kenwright. “Just a few symbols and carefully-placed product endorsements could conceivably sway a majority of the entire nation, and mass communication and ubiquity would rule the day. “When asked to give his opinion on being found to be the world’s most nominal person, Plantagenant, who is capable of only the most basic of communication replied. “Well, yer know mate, six of one, alf a duzen of de other,” and resumed listening to the Flock of Seagulls song being pumped in to his cage.

I have finally managed to get off caffeine, arguably the worst drug man ever made.

I was a mess, all right, unable to start my morning without at least three or four cups, and then finishing my day hunkered down at some dimly-lit, shady coffee shop with the last of my change going to that final cup of coffee the cup that I kept hoping would have all the answers, even though it never did.

Yes, I had a problem, and I had to stop. But quitting things that are enjoyable but bad for you just isn't in my nature, so I knew I needed some help. As far as I know, though, they don't have intervention TV shows for coffee addicts just people who inhale compressed air to get through life.

So how did I stop giving my money to Big Caffeine once and for all? It was surprisingly simple. What I discovered - and you won't find this in any medical reference book, but I can vouch for it right here in this article. Is that a natural substance you might know as "alcohol" is the perfect cure for caffeine withdrawal headaches. When I woke up in the morning with that merciless pounding in my head, my first instinct was to reach for the Douwe Egberts, but I eventually trained myself to reach just a bit further across the bed stand for an organic whiskey product called “Golden Turkey” instead. Like magic, I forgot about my struggle to quit coffee, the headaches went away, and I began to realise how charming a bloke I am.

But there was still something wrong with me; even after draining half the Golden Turkey bottle, I was experiencing a lingering grogginess. I knew I needed to add some sort of natural supplement to my alcohol cure, so I turned to an ancient substance that the Mayans used to find peace, love and happiness - Cocaine. For centuries, the Mayans chewed coca leaves for strength and vitality, and where are they today? Probably dead - but still remembered. That's all the motivation I need to place a concentrated stimulant up my nose and give a big old "I'm quitting coffee now" snort.

With my two cures in place, I was finally able to get out of bed with a spring in my step without having to touch a drop of that crude liquor they so benignly call coffee. I couldn't believe how long I was addicted to it, having discovered the amazing level of productivity and painlessness I could get out of just a few hits of 101 proof whiskey and a couple of lines of C dust.

Even still, the battle wasn't over. Sometimes, I would allow myself to get dragged back to one of those coffee dens of sin with tempting names like "Amped Up", "Addicted" or "The Trembling Cup" to see someone's friend play an open mic night by singing songs about MySpace or some such shit. It used to be tolerable on an espresso high, but without that, I feared the experience would be so unbearable that I'd end up either running away or turning back to into my old, addicted self.

Luckily, it didn't have to come to that. There was a third miracle drug in my kicking-coffee trifecta that saved me, a substance - one that's part of a naturally occurring alkaloid, so no worries there-called LSD.

What did LSD do? It completely removed the last traces of my coffee addiction, and restored the free-thinking, creative, hallucinating part of my brain that I frankly forgot I even had. Now, I can enjoy open-mic nights drug-free and more than ever, like last week at "Common Grounds" when the Vegetable Monster materialised out of the potted plants and slowly and bloodlessly consumed the singer who had just morphed from Jesus into Billy Connolly.

Add all that up, and I'm three months free and clear of caffeine. A new man is I. And in the process, I discovered a far superior way - three new ways, actually - to deal with sleepiness, anxiety, and stress. Of course, the important thing is that I kicked this polluting, caffeinated ritual. After all, if you're not living healthy, then you're not really living.

Scotland has just pipped Wales to be nominated as the fattest country in the UK after being named and shamed by the National Health Service.
According to the latest NHS survey, five of the six fat hot spots in Britain are Scottish. Only Anglesey has more fat bastards per capita than Scotland.

"That doesn't bother us", quipped Tammy Mc Tavish from Inverness. "There are only 200 permanent residents on Anglesey anyway, so what if 200 of them are fat? We've got more fat bastards and slag’s than that in any Scottish pub on a Friday night.

Dr Alan Ramsey, local GP in Nairn where an astounding 58% of the population is clinically obese, has called the problem an epidemic. We've tried everything but it keeps on getting worse. It didn't help that Little Britain filmed their 'Fat Fighters' routine here. You should have seen them queuing up to get auditioned and downing Crispy Kremes hand over fist. It was like the X Factor as a horror show.

Meanwhile the NHS has issued a stern health warning concerning obesity in Scotland Health Minister Mike Simpleton warned, "The health risks are enormous and more wide-spread than we thought. Who would have believed that swimming could be fatal for fat people? Just last weekend 18 Scottish teenagers drowned off Aberdeen beach. Evidently the Coast Guard spotted them sunbathing and assuming they were beached whales, towed them out to sea and released them."

Roddy Mc Greggor, owner and chef at the traditional Scottish Restaurant, Wannaburger –EDINBURGH, serves up tasty dishes laden in lard. "Not only do we keep the buttons popping off all the clothes of the local populace, we have our fair share of celebrities coming in to pig out as well", said Roddy, in between mouthfuls of Laver bread. "Just last week Robbie Coltrane stopped by for his usual fix of fried Laver Cakes in bacon fat and deep fried Mars Bars."

Scottish singer Marti Pellow was also recently featured on BBC's Who Do You Think You A celebrity genealogy show. Among the surprises confronting Pellow on the show was finding out that his original surname was Llardass and that his great-great grandmother came from Tonga. His paternal great-great-great grandfather was also imprisoned as a habitual offender for stealing Haggises.

Not surprisingly, there is considerable Scottish sentiment blaming the English in general for their fat predicament. "It goes right back to the battle of Culloden and the raping of our oil reserves, doesn't it?" theorised Charlie Stewart, a rotund retired welder who now spends his days and nights at the Tartan pub. "There's nowt for us to do but spend our DSS benefits on drink, drugs, cigarettes, slag’s, and meat an tatties."

In arguably the closest run contest since the 2009 US Presidential election, David Cameron has pipped Winston Churchill and Bruce Forsythe to the post, in a poll to find the all-time greatest Briton ever. The Conservative leader drew 41.2% of the vote, which was commissioned by the online satire and spoof website The Dead Synapse Society to celebrate its 2nd birthday.

Churchill, a consistently strong performer in such contests, was a staggeringly close second, drawing 41.1% of the vote, with the Liverpudlian entertainer Freddie Star polling a strong 12.8%.

Chief Executive of the David Cameron Foundation for the Re-housing of Feral Children, Dr. Josef Mengele.
Could not contain his glee when DSS contacted him yesterday evening. "The word great is greatly overused nowadays, but we have always maintained that David Cameron fits the definition to a tee," he said.

"I can't tell you how great it feels that the Great British public have well and truly verified our judgement and bestowed upon David the position of a truly great Great Briton. It has always been David's lifelong ambition to win a national poll and they don't come much sweeter than this!"

Other surprises in the top ten were Her Royal Nepalese Highness Joanna Lumley (4th) Liberal Democrat Ive done a Cheeky Girl, MP Lembit Opik (6th) Pre-poll favourite Boris Johnson tied a disappointing 14th position with television's Most Haunted Derek Acorah.

EU election observers were diverted from Iran and declared the result "a bit iffy but adequate".

According to Sky News a man who was Inhaling butane gas (Huffing) burst into flames after being tasered by a local police officer in Southampton. 28-year-old Mick Astley apparently ran at the police officer with a butane gas can and a lighter, and refused to stop.

That’s when he exploded. Police were originally called to the scene because of a complaint, and ended the call by putting Astley out with their hands as he dropped and rolled.

An 18 year old girl threw rocks at police, and was later charged with assaulting an officer.

“The police officers were concerned that they were going to be burnt so they deployed a Taser,” Inspector Lindley told reporters. “The only other choice they would have had is to use “Aerosol Mace” and the circumstances would almost certainly have been far more grave.”

Moral of the story, don’t play with gas!

Hundreds of Atheists in the UK fed up with religion being thrust down their throat every where they go have taken over an old church in Everton, St Lukes, Liverpool, where they go every Sunday to worship the fact that they don't need to worship.

Their leader Ronald McDonald explained free thinking people like us have had enough you watch television its all religion you read newspapers hey all support religion its a great escape to go somewhere to get away from these deluded dumb ass Bible thumpers.

We asked Ronald what happens at these meetings. He explained:

"We sing songs like:

"Jesus loves me is just a joke
he was just infact an ordinary bloke
the bibles just nonsense is our hymn
it could have been written by the brothers Grimm!"

"We don't believe that Jesus was the son of God, there have been thousands of people called Jesus over the years there was even one years ago in the World Cup a footballer called Jesus.

"He was a great player but he was crap at crosses, a bit like Aaron Lennon"

Friday 31st July 2009, Hawkhurst - Kent: It was a quiet day for Edith Smith, age 88, except for the noise of a flymo as she sat in her front garden.

Officials here today made an amazing discovery.

“Our department was contacted by Edith Smith calling to complain about a sewer back-up and strange noises coming from her toilet, "It was such an eerie sound coming from the...well you know where, but it sounded like a...like a fart." "We've been having trouble with this part of the village for nearly 40 years!" said KCC Engineer Philip Smith,
"I laughed when I heard that," said Philip Smith, "but when we eventually dug down to the sewer chamber we were staggered indeed horrified to discover a man stuck in the sewer pipe."

The man is apparently a former KCC employee who worked on installing the Villager's first sewer lines, David Johnson. He is unable to speak yet, medical personnel say it could be months before they have serious communications established. "He's very ill," said consultant surgeon Barry Hawkins, "He's been living on human...awww! For 40 years now. His eyes can't adjust to light yet and his mouth was in a smaller pipe, which has forced his lips to grow out like...like a mushroom!"

David Johnson's family has been notified, but they live in America now, his ex-wife gave up on him for dead. "I never heard from him again after he went to work one day. KCC said he must have gone out for a beer after work. Well it was a bloody long beer, that's all I had to say back then. Of course I feel awful now, I'm remarried. Oh I do hope he'll understand."

Medical officials are planning a press conference after they have had more time to assess the man's conditions. Stay tuned!