Sex Education
Hastings, East Sussex: Sixth Form Student Adam Chance is one angry 17 year old; in fact he's stark raving mad. His fits of rage have landed him in the Head's office 36 times this year setting a new Hastings Sixth Form College record. While teachers and peers have been on the receiving end of his tantrums, they haven't been the only ones paying attention.

The Centre for the “Ridiculousness of Abstinence Only Sex Education”, has been keeping a close eye on Adam Chance and the 200,000 other students across the country who have received their first dose of abstinence-only sex education and shown increases in aggression and anger.

"We believe that there is a direct correlation between the manner in which students are introduced to sexuality and their attitudes towards social interaction," said David Dogging, director of the institute. The centre is worried that educational implementations such as the video series "It's My Hymen and I'll Wait if I Want To," and worksheets such as "Why Pre-Marital Sex Will Make You Go Blind," have had detrimental effects on the attitudes of students.

We've seen decreases in performance and increases in violent behaviour? Noted Sue Hampshire, a teacher at Hastings College. We've contemplated abandoning the curriculum, but we're all a little worried about 'the trip'. "The trip that she refers to concerns the 10,000 teachers now being held indefinitely at Camp Hill Prison, Isle of Wight. For what the government has deemed "subversive teaching methods." Education Secretary Ed Balls has warned teachers that any education method that does not fit neatly into the government standardized but non-funded curriculum will be deemed an act of terror against the Holy Empire of the United Kingdom. "We don't need our kids getting all mixed up in their hormones and neglecting what's really important, "said Balls. We need students to realize that the standardized tests that they will be taking will make or break their careers. If they want to survive in this open market society, then the market in their pants needs to stay off limits until they can afford to get married, move into an overpriced suburb, and utilize intercourse for the sole purposes of procreation and tax benefits."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown will be making a visit next week to the annual "Cheering for Chastity" convention at Cliff Theological College, in the Peak District. After the festivities, the prime minister will become restless from watching young girls in short skirts between the ages of 17-19 jump up and down repeatedly which will require him to vent his sexual inadequacy and frustration through joining the USA in the annihilation of yet another ill-equipped and underdeveloped country.