The British Government today announced a package of new measures designed to make the country more environmentally friendly. Government Ministers were keen to show off their green roots, which they had had done especially last night.
However, the measures, which include targets for cutting car use and pollution, were denounced by experts as being "completely useless" and "pointless as usual". Sylvia Starlight Stardust, a campaigner for WWF, RSPCA, Greenpeace and Alcoholics Anonymous, said in a statement, "The government has no idea how to cut greenhouse gas emissions or how to reduce fossil fuel consumption. The nearest any of them have ever come to a wind farm is Gordon Brown."
Despite this criticism, officials are keen to get the ball rolling. None of the measures, though, are likely to appeal to motorists, who will face yet more restrictions. One of the first to be implemented will be a weekly limit on fuel uptake for all private domestic vehicles, the banning of the building of new petrol stations, followed by restrictions on the activities of breakdown services, and then mandatory bus lanes on all roads with more than one lane - even ones with no buses. Motorists' organisations the AA and the RAC declined to comment, on the grounds of complete utter disbelief.
A rather dizzy Transport Secretary Lord Andrew Adonis, speaking after riding his day-hire bicycle into the back of a bus near Westminster, told us, "We are determined to make this country more anti-motorist to piss off both American and European tourists even more." He added, after being prodded in the back by an aide, "Err more environmentally friendly, I mean. We're not anti-motorist. Really!"
This strategy sets out how we intend to reduce greenhouse gas emissions from transport. It also shows how transport will make a major contribution to UK efforts to reduce CO2 emissions by 2022 and 2050 in line with the Climate Change Act 2008.
When asked what he was going to do to cut greenhouse gas emissions, Lord Adonis ran away from our reporter spluttering, complaining that he needed to get away from the traffic fumes.
