Vegetable Sex
In a serious attempt bid to stem the rising tide of hospital admissions among young women here in the UK, The British Government today announced its intention to slap health warnings on 'phallic-shaped' vegetables and Fruity 'sex toys'

"We are right behind the Government on this one," a bubbly, 35-year-old spoke person for Sainsbury’s. Britain's leading supermarket chain told DSS breathlessly. "Our stores are no longer prepared to turn a blind eye to the shocking abuse of vegetables by a sick minority of depraved women."

Among the list of unsavoury produce on the Government’s hit list are cucumbers, bananas, courgettes, carrots and squashes, which will have to carry a Government Health warning that: 'improper use is liable to corrupt and deprave, and may lead to surgical intervention'. But that is just the thin edge of an extremely wide veg or, a’hem wedge, as UK Minister for Sexual Education & Health, Dr Adam Helmut, was at pains to point out to our researcher. "Only last week," the bespectacled women's health campaigner told us, "I saw a woman in my local Tesco’s casually put a phallic-shaped butternut squash, a tub of margarine and a packet of King Size condoms on the conveyor. Now what sort of example does that set to my two teenage daughters?"

"Well, at least she's practising safe sex," we commented.

"That's as maybe," snorted Dr Helmut. "My proposed new Vegetable Abuse Bill will soon wipe the grin off those “filthy young women’s faces.”

"Bill?"

"Yes, If my legislation is passed the sale of these and other disgusting vegetable 'sex toys' will be restricted to married women over 55."

"Won't that rather undermine the Government's initiative to get the public eating more healthily?"

"We're not completely naïve, you know," bristled the Minister. "Pre-packaged, fresh, diced vegetables will be unaffected by the ban. As will tinned carrots and pickled cucumbers. Let's see them young girls try to masturbate with those!"

Consumer watchdog, Which Veg? Were quick to pounce on the new health warnings, claiming that "this is a cynical move to drive up the price of fruit and veg ahead of the Minister's proposed new legislation."