The Dead Synapses Society

Stephen Fry, the quick witted butler in Jeeves and Wooster, and the 'Oxbridge educated' host of TV panel quiz game QI, has gone missing again, fuelling speculation that, this time, he may be gone for good.

Fry first went missing back in 1995, when, appearing in the West End play Cell Mates, he 'got nervous' and, indeed, had a nervous breakdown. He eventually resurfaced in Belgium, where people go to contemplate suicide.

This time, however, friends are mystified as to the star's disappearance.

Former associates have voiced unequivocal support for the moody actor. One-time partner Hugh Laurie, who has now given up comedy and works as a drug addicted doctor in Hollywood, said:

"I'm sure he'll be back bigger and better than ever."

Rowan Atkinson, with whom Fry starred in the famed Blackadder series, said:

"An accomplished gentleman who hath gone forth to exorcise his inner demons, and to discover new and majestic horizons replete with horny juvenile homosexuals. Verily, Baldrick, dost thou thinkest?"

Fry, who is often confused with Oscar Wilde because he tries to be him, has often spoke of being knighted, and may raise his mug once more in December when the Queen's New Year's Honours List is published.

Reports are coming in from all over the UK of children as young as 5 demanding money with menaces!

Chief Superintendant Hal O'Ween said "I think these reports are very unlikely. There are very strict laws in this country about minors calling at people's houses to collect money or goods for charity.

I hardly think it is possible that there are all these young children calling without permission at people’s houses and demanding money and other things for themselves with menaces".

Although DSS interviewed a number of elderly people at Maidstone Shopping Centre this afternoon and each had a different story to tell. Doris Stokes of Bredhurst told us "I was just settling down last night when there was a banging at my front door". When I answered it a young person calling themselves Rick Ortreat, I think they said, wanted me to give them cash or he would throw rotten eggs at my door!"

Ed Balls MP, Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families announced today that masturbation, or wanking as it's known to most young boys, will be required teaching at all schools in the U.K.

"It's reprehensible that some young people are going through puberty without knowing how to wank", Balls said at an early afternoon press conference. "If young people wanked more there would be less teenage pregnancy and incidents of sexually transmitted diseases."

The Chief Medical Officer (CMO), Sir Liam Donaldson, agreed with Balls plan. "Children have to learn there is more than one way to have an orgasm", Donaldson said. “Our motto is 'sex can wait –masturbate”.

Donaldson was surprised to learn that slogan has already been taken "All right then, how about “don't fuck your date, masturbate?”

Sir Liam said he will find some catchier slogans at a later time.

Balls did not outline a suggested curriculum for teaching masturbation but suggested that should be left to the individual schools teachers.

"I've already got some homework assignments for them", said Canterbury schoolteacher Susan Stone. “I only plan on teaching the basics such as shaft stroking and twat twiddling. I don't think children this age should be overexposed to dildos, vibrators, heated rubber vaginas or French ticklers. That should be more of a college course. But, of course, there is nothing like a good soapy tit wank!”

Professor Jane Dacre, Former Academic Vice-President of the Royal College of Physicians and Chair of the RCP’s Women and Medicine working group, was ecstatic to learn of the new education ruling. “It's what I've been saying all along”, Dacre beamed. “Now we'll all be able to get ourselves off without always having to get
laid.”

Scientists at the University of Reykjavik claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.

A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Iranius Celsius found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Satan’s Province.

Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis, Dr. Celsius concluded that the incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades.

For example:

-- Snatching of souls is up 31 percent over the previous fiscal year.

-- Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 55 percent, due in part to triple-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s, 90s and early 2000.

-- Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

The Reykjavik report also cited the Devil's incendiary work here on Earth, noting that the MI6 is now examining what appears to be charred, cloven hoof prints lifted from shredded Northern Rock documents.

The report also charges that Satan and his henchmen control oil prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.

Underworld spokesman Bernie Crisp roundly denounced the University of Reykjavik findings as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."

"This is just another example of Satan being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Barrow In Furness, Cumbria.

Burnt Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.

"Satan, the Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch-call him what you will- has been around for thousands of years perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."

The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trips to both London and Washington D.C.

Recent probes into Footballers Wives, Church Sex and Corporate Finance Excess have sparked public demand for intrusive new probes into every orifice of British life.

"Polls show that people love a good probe," said Vincent Collins, head of a blue-ribbon panel probing the public's renewed interest in probes. "Citizens have come to depend on these probes to keep track of whose getting screwed and who's doing the screwing."

The House of Commons Subcommittee on Bipartisan Probes today announced new probes into Iranian nuclear capabilities, Peter Mandelson’s secret diaries’ and Alastair Darling's trousers, while the CPS launched a fresh probe of ex RBS CEO Fred Goodwin's large intestine.

Body-cavity probes at U.K. airports are at an all-time high according to a Daily Telegraph probe. And the Daily Star is probing reports of proctologists who charge patients for unnecessary probing.

Meanwhile, a Private Eye probe led to shocking reports on Tony Blair's aborigine love child, Gordon Brown’s £300-a-day crack habit and Britney Spears' steamy sex romp with Jonathan Ross and Archbishop Rowan Williams.

The FSA is probing allegations of financial irregularities in Madonna's adoption war-chest. And writs have been issued for a government probe into whether MI5 has been probing MI6 or vice versa.

Experts in the fast-growing probe industry predict future investigations into Football Pools insider trading, Political Liposuction and Muammar Gaddafi’s Harem.

Because probes are believed to have a positive economic impact, Treasury Department officials have launched a probe into the possible benefits of converting to a probe-based economy.

Ancient scripts discovered in Cyprus reveal that despite popular belief, prostitution is NOT the world's oldest profession. It seems that honour falls to politicians.

The manuscripts discovered in a cave near Kolossi Castle state that prostitution came into existence as a direct result of the demand for it by ancient law makers and leaders.

Professor Herbert O'Sullivan of the University of Cambridge said "It's obvious that prostitution was not the first profession. They needed paying customers - where were the customers to get cash from if they did not have gainful employment?"

O'Sullivan continued "It was supply and demand - the lawmakers and ancient leaders wanted sex out of their marriages, so it was they who introduced prostitution. One of the first known brothels in Babylon was built by politicians."

The Professors words have yet to be contradicted, with many observers stating that either way, both prostitutes and politicians will screw you in the end, and it will cost you.

A new weight loss plan is set to sweep the United Kingdom and it is endorsed by the Government and actually works, some experts are calling it the best diet plan of all time.

The diet, known as 'The Economy Plan', involves eating less food and exercising more. Quite simply to lose weight you eat less calories and burn more than you eat. Many are already trying it.

Former celebrity fatty Fern Britton, 52 said "The Economy Plan works. You eat less because the cost of food is rising and your income is getting less. It is also harder to carry a lot of groceries home, as of course now petrol prices have risen we are using our cars less and walking more. Hence we are burning more calories. 'The Economy Plan' is the best diet out there."

George Brown is taking full credit for the diet. "See what I did? I am helping people, some people say I have made people lose their jobs, homes, hope and dignity. No, people are losing weight. Fact!"

Gordon Brown announced today that the United Kingdom government would stop supplying troops in Afghanistan with Mine Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) vehicles and replace the entire fleet with 1961 standard Volkswagen Beetles, and transports made of cardboard.

"We have spent millions of pounds on these vehicles and by the first weekend these kids have them exploded," Brown said referring to the troops. "We have to teach these young men responsibility. You cannot take a 25 million pound vehicle and crack it up the first time you take it for a spin."

During a press conference at No 10, Brown was asked if the damage to the vehicles could be attributed to IED's and not reckless driving.

"IED's," the Prime Minister said chuckling. "I used that one when I cracked up the Triumph Spitfire. I looked my Dad in the eye and said 'Honest to God Dad the road just blew up under me.' No, can't fool me with that one, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, teenage wasteland, it's nothing but teenage wasteland."

Pte James Stewart from Colchester Garrison, upon being informed of the news stated: "We are all going to die."

Besides the Volkswagen Beetle, reportedly chosen by the Prime Minister after a private screening of "Herbie Rides Again," the cardboard transports were chosen because they are considered too light to set off pressure triggered roadside bombs.

Brown also praised the cardboard transports because it comes without wheels, and to use it troops will have to reach under it, pick it up and run with it.

"These terrorists want to take us back to the stone-age," Brown said. "When they see our troops carrying card board vehicles around them," (named the Flintstone 2000) "they will think they have won and will retreat."

Ironically Taliban insurgents were angered when they heard the news. "You ever blow up cardboard! It just go poof! No bang! This bring the Mohammed down."

In a totally unrelated story earlier this morning Mr Mandelson purchased every cardboard company in the country.

Dear Dr Lobon,
I am not cut. Is that the reason why my dick is so skinny?

James O
September 22, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: There is an ongoing debate within the medical profession about the pros and cons of circumcision. In all my years as a practitioner I have heard and read all sorts of claims about the supposed ill-effects of the procedure.

But never have I heard that the retention of the foreskin has any effect on penis girth.
As a rule I tend to leave any decision on post-natal or early-age circumcision up to the parents, expressing a cautionary note only if their child is a girl.

If it would make you feel better, you might consider having your own foreskin removed.

In line with my usual practice in such cases, I will not advise you either way on that. After all, it's your penis and, whatever you decide, it's no skin off my nose.

Dear Dr Lobon,
What's the best method of penis enlargement that will incorporate both for length and girth - a method that can simultaneously increase these measurements?

Please suggest the best and most effective method in terms of that.
I read about the Manewe method and it sounds interesting. I'm not sure if it caters for my needs for girth increase though.

Herman
September 29, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Let's just think this one through. If you have a penis that is, say, 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and you increase both dimensions simultaneously - as you desire - by, say, 3 inches, then you end up with a penis that is 9 inches by 5 inches!

Are you sure you want to achieve such an unwieldy result? I'd sleep on it if I were you.
Also, I am unaware of the man/ewe method you mention, but would guess it is likely to be illegal in most jurisdictions, especially the UK where all animals are protected a species.

Dear Dr Lobon,
Can I enlarge my penis size by exercise.

R Singh
October 3, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: No, but thanks for the poem.

Dear Dr Lobon,
First of all, my penis is kinda bent. Will this have any effect when I am having fore play?
Second, my penis is only 6 or 6.5 inches long and 4 inches thick. Is there any problem? Is it too small or too skinny?

DD
October 10, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: What is it with skinny dicks all of a sudden? First they're all too short, now they're all too narrow. Jeez, I tell you, some days I wonder if this job is worth it.

Anyway, let me advise that a bent, 4-inch-thick penis should be no impediment, unless you use it somehow on the golf course as a directional device during the fore play you mentioned.

Dear Dr Lobon,
I have a strong fantasy seeing my wife fucking other guys and other females. Is this right?
Shall I go ahead and make it a surprise for her by gathering a female lesbian for her or a male?

Tony
October 12, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Whoever said men aren't caring and thoughtful creatures?
Of course, go ahead and make the arrangements. I'm positive your wife will more than enjoy herself and she should love the surprise.
Oh, and your choice of a female lesbian is the right way to go.

Dear Dr Lobon,
How long does cum from the dick stay inside the pussy after sex?

CP
October 13, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Thank you for your eloquently phrased inquiry. I must admit to a degree of difficulty in deciphering some of the more technical terms you employed to frame your question.
Therefore I have referred your query to a specialist friend of mine for an answer.

Dear Dr Lobon,
I just wanna ask a question. I have a 15.5 cm dick when erect and my girlfriend says it is small. Is that true? And, if it is true, what is the normal, the large and the small size of dicks? I just want to know the range.

MH
October 14, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: By my calculations 15.5 cm in the old scale is just more than 6 inches. If your girlfriend is unhappy about that just remind her that even a Jumbo jet looks small in the Grand Canyon.

Dear Dr Lobon,
I am a teenager whose dick is 4 inches when I have a boner. Is my dick small, medium or large?

Sean
October 15, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Put it this way, your penis would be "small" compared to someone whose penis was 10 inches long. But yours would be large compared with a 2-inch penis.
Anyway, at your age you should not be so fixated on the categories of small, medium and large.
I put this down to the prevalence of such simplistic and arbitrary divisions promulgated by fast-food outlets.
So, until medical science catches up and you can drive in to a plastic surgeon and say "supersize me", I'd stop worrying.

Dear Dr Lobon,
My girlfriend is so impressed with my cock she reckons I should enter it in the poultry judging at this year's Royal Agricultural Show in November. What do you think of my chances?

A feather in my cap?
October 16, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Not bad, I'd hazard a guess, as long as you don't run fowl of the show stewards.

Dear Dr Lobon,
As if my girlfriend's unexpected criticism about my lovemaking ability wasn't bad enough, I've been very, very hurt by her next rejoinder after I replied rather gruffly: "That's a little stiff, isn't it?"

Hard feelings
October 17, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: I was going to say it sure looks like you put your foot in it, but it sounds like that's overstating matters a tad.

Dear Dr Lobon,
I've been keen on this pretty girl who's a regular at our local church group. When I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out after the service last Sunday, she seemed a bit cold. I sought of stammered we could do anything she wanted .... you know, a picnic, a meal, a movie, anything really and she just looked straight into my eyes and said: "I just don't want to go out with you. Period!" Do you think I have any chance at all?

Rejected and dejected
October 19, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Try again in a few weeks.

Dear Dr Lobon,
My girlfriend always says it hurts when we have sex. Is there a way to make it stop hurting while still being able to put it all the way in?

Steve H
October 20, 2009

Dr Lobon replies: Try vaginal sex.

Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor LOBON can help.

Pornography often gets bad publicity, but it is the insatiable desire of the British public for sexually-explicit entertainment that creates many of the technical innovations the world relies on.

Why, if it were not for pornography, VCRs would still be the size of bedroom refrigerators, and sell for £1,000 each. Early-adopters purchased expensive first-generation video cassette recorders just to watch porn at home. The revenue generated by the sale of those primitive machines allowed electronics manufacturers to do further research and development. This R&D in turn led to better, more compact videocassette technologies.

Today’s miraculous DVD Blue Ray video technology is becoming a standard because of its innovative use in the pornography field. Multiple angles, Scene selection, Chapter-by-chapter indexing? All thanks to porn, my friends.

Even the Internet, the magical network that connects computers all over the world, wouldn’t be what it is today if not for the hard work of sexually frustrated programmers, desperate to find a way to trade grainy .gif files of naked women.

Next time you send an e-mail to your old grandmother, remember to thank your lucky stars for pornography!

Throughout history there have been times when a new disease or disorder has been discovered and successfully diagnosed. Yet for some reason, the new disease then becomes a popular diagnosis among practicing GP’s.

Let me give you an example.

My child was having trouble sitting still in class. He first started squirming a lot, displaying a lack of attention, which then escalated into jumping out of his seat. Then he began running around the room. The teacher and I were both very concerned so I took him to our GP.

The doctor diagnosed him with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder). I was not convinced of this diagnosis, so I took him to get a second opinion. And I’m glad I did because it turns out that when the specialist joiner took a look at him, we discovered that he did not have ADHD at all. He just had a slight case of woodworm in his pants.

GET A SECOND OPINION! Don’t let the same thing happen to your child as happened to my little son.

Signed,

Geppetto

Below is my research about commonly over-diagnosed diseases in the past, as well as my prediction for the future.

Conditions Over Diagnosed in the Past

1600’s Piracy
1690’s Witchcraft
1910’s Homosexuality
1930's Depression
1950’s Communism

Predictions for Conditions Over Diagnosed in the Future

2070’s Roboticism
2120’s Herpes
2200’s PSBPUD (Personality-Split-Between-Parallel-Universe Disorder)

When it comes to food stuffs I am obsessed with the tangy, creamy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Ecstasy in a Bowl," I like to call it.

I have sampled some very tasty batches in my day, too. But let me tell you, if they ever held some sort of Potato Salad World Cup, every gold medal would go to Andrea, the woman I've been seeing behind my wife's back for nearly two years now.

I don't know if it's the fresh ingredients she uses, or that extra little pinch of "TLC" but whatever it is, Andrea's potato salad really makes the weekends I spend with her while Claire thinks I'm away on a work-related visit something special.

You know that old expression "You've tried the rest, now try the best?"

Well, when it comes to potato salad, believe me, I've tried the rest, and the one made by the woman I have been stringing along for my own carnal pleasure definitely takes the cake. I mean, I used to think I was quite handy in the kitchen myself, but Andrea's cooking puts me to shame as surely as my reckless, selfish philandering does.

She's not a professional cook or prostitute, but honestly, she's good enough to be. That's why I'm proud to call her mine! I had a feeling she was special even when she was babysitting my children in the '90s.

The time I spend at the flat I'm renting for her in Hastings is like a Bonfire Night Special: Potato salad in the dining room, fireworks in the bedroom! It’s the kind of special occasion where I say, "You know what? Forget the extra calories and the risk of spreading an STD to my wife on one of our rare, hellish couplings."

Apparently the potato salad is made from an old family recipe that Andrea's mother passed down to her along with enough emotional baggage to keep her sexually servicing a man with whom she clearly has no future.

The salad alone would be enough to win me over, but Andrea is great at so many things. Terrific coleslaw, a willingness to wait indefinitely for a divorce I have no intention of getting, providing the best BJ a man could get, and a flawless "telemarketer" voice when she calls my house and Claire picks up the phone. Oh! And her baked macaroni-and-cheese is good enough to be an entrée.

Truth be told, I sometimes feel bad about the whole thing. The eggs have so much saturated fat, and I promised my GP that I would cut my carbs and get more green vegetables. But hey! Where's the fun in life if you can't cheat a little bit?

When Linda Bellingham ended a seven-year relationship with David Sadler of Southend a month ago, her reasons were only too familiar to most women who break up with their boyfriends.

He was a boozy, lazy, inconsiderate, selfish sod who thought foreplay meant unzipping her jeans. There was no chemistry in their love life; they often argued about in-laws and money, she wanted kids but he was happy with just a dog.

But the cut that finally snapped Linda's knicker elastic was when she found David’s porn stash. "I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor under the dining table as usual," the shaken Dental Nurse, 27, confided to DSS, "when I discovered a loose floorboard. The bastard had hidden a stack of porn magazines full of naked women with bigger boobs than mine right under where I serve dinner, I might add, that I slave over and serve every night promptly at seven thirty!"

After this embarrassing discovery, all hell broke loose. “Linda just went crazy," recounted David, 32. "All of a sudden, she’s got these gunked up pages pressed up to her nose and she’s accusing me of having an affair with Miss Nude October, even though I swore blind I was still doing Miss Anal September at the time. Next thing I know, She’s digging through my wardrobe upstairs, tossing my wank socks into the street. She even chucked my Cassy out of the bedroom window, stabbing her first with her nail scissors,” he added, choking back his tears.

'Cassy',as we discovered after much probing, is David’s blow up sex doll. Although the busty brunette bombshell was deflated at the time and only slightly harmed in her second story fall, a crestfallen David immediately rushed out of the house to give his pneumatic lover mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

“Linda slammed the door in my face,” the unemployed shop fitter confided to DSS ruefully. “So I tucked Cassy under my arm and was going to take her across the lake until I realised my boat keys were still in my overalls in the bedroom. So I made Cassy as comfy as I could in the boat and headed back to the house. Linda was angrier than a wasp with a crooked stinger when I came through the door.

She ended up chasing me to my van with the non stick frying pan I bought her last year for her birthday and then threw Miss Nude December at me. So I grabbed the magazine and drove to a B&B instead, stopping off on the way to pick up a box of Kleenex and a case of larger.”

Linda, Brunette, 34-30-38, has since patched things up with David, who patched up things with Cassy with the aid of a puncture repair kit! The two reconciled love birds plan to marry next summer.

A joyful David put his arm around Linda's waist and gave Cassy's enormous breasts a playful squeeze. “The honeymoon’s gonna be a blast!” He added delightedly.

And no, that's not a misprint.

A new study published yesterday by the prestigious Kuros Centre for Sexual Studies, claims that skin tight, denim jeans are to blame for the increasing numbers of women unable to reach orgasm through normal intercourse.

The study goes on to say: “Whilst other studies have attributed difficulties in the ability to achieve orgasm to cultural, religious and psychological factors, our research has shown that it is the increasing popularity of stretch jeans that is to blame. The combination of modern, man-made fabrics, such as Lycra, impermeable linings and higher gussets all contribute to damaging the delicate nerve-endings of the vagina and clitoris."

Phew! And I thought it was incompetent, tiny-todgered panty-fumblers who were to blame!

Silly Me!

Nursing Staff are to be assessed and rated according to the levels of empathy and care they give to patients under a new initiative to raise standards in the NHS.

Health Secretary Andy Burnham said he wants the performance of every nursing team in every ward across England to be scored, with the results displayed on an official NHS website.

Talking to DSS Burnham said: "I recently spent 10 days in St Thomas's Hospital, London. I had what is medically termed(Caput capitis stuck sursum rectum ). Apparently I have been suffering with it for some time. The surgical team obviously played an important part in my care but I can honestly say that it was the attitudes of the young nursing staff that had the greatest impact on my recovery. There is no doubt that a smile and a flutter of the eyelids can have a remarkably therapeutic effect."

Nursing Staff will be awarded points for displaying certain behaviours with bonuses being paid to high scoring staff.

An example of how the points system might work is published below.

1 point for cleansing hands before approaching a patient.
2 points for waving or winking at a patient.
3 points for catheter removal without using the leg for leverage
4 points for a manual evacuation delivered with a comforting smile.
5 points for bed pan removal without turning ones head in disgust.
6 points for a flash of a suspender.
7 points for a surprise early morning bed bath.
8 points for an unnecessary testicular examination.

The proposal will be launched in London on Monday at the annual conference of the NHS Confederation. However the proposal is not without its critics.

Dave Prentis, the General Secretary of UNISON argues: "All this scoring system does is re-establish the outdated view that nurses are objects of fantasy. I thought we had moved away from the idea that all nurses were hard drinking, big busted nymphomaniacs from Dublin. 4 out of 10 health workers are male now anyway. When a big hairy hand is half way up your backside would a smile and a wink really make things more pleasant?"

London- Drug Squad Officers have arrested eight people after seizing over ten pounds of innovative sperm-flavour cocaine.

Squad Superintendant George Halo said today, the find is a departure from recent banana, strawberry and coconut-flavoured coke which has flooded the market due to demand for wholesome, organic, fruit flavoured intoxicants.

"We've monitored this trend and heard users' reports that even though cocaine is snorted through the nostrils, it can still be tasted."

"Lots of coke-fiends have complained that regular cocaine gives a medicine taste in the back of the throat, so we sort of understood the market move to fruity flavours."

"But this new sperm-tasting coke has us completely baffled."

Halo dismissed reports that the latest impounded contraband may have just been "ejaculated into" by a careless or spiteful supplier before being circulated onto the streets:

"We're pretty sure it's part of the fruit-flavoured range. Maybe it's just a nostalgic thing for the celibate, perhaps to remind them of the sex lives they once had?

"Yea, Nah, I don't swallow that one either."

LONDON—12:30 pm: Conservative Leader David Cameron held a nationally televised address this lunch time to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his national health proposals.

Assuring British citizens that under a Conservative Government the elderly and infirmed will have the right to choose how they are executed.

Mr.Cameron vowed to systematically eliminate all British seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2012.

"Let me dispel these ridiculous rumours once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the Conservative Leader, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority. "If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a secondary school football field, she is entitled to that right."

"Once again, let me be perfectly clear," Cameron continued. "Seniors, rest easy knowing that I will never, under any circumstance, sign a bill that doesn't give you the option of being murdered by my Government in a manner of you’re choosing. I promise you that."

During his 45-minute address, Mr. Cameron repeatedly stressed his deep and abiding respect for the nation's 65-and-over citizens, saying that murdering them in ways they wouldn't want to be murdered would be both un-British and "Basically Immoral."

Mr. Cameron also accused his opponents of using scare tactics to score political points, manipulating the elderly’s fears with misinformation about their upcoming state-mandated deaths.

The Conservative Leader said he sympathized with and related to the fears of older citizens, adding that if a politician told him he could only be killed by being forcibly removed from his home and shot in the street like a dog, but left out the fact that he could also be put down by painless lethal injection, he would be scared,too.

"People' concerns over my plan are all based on bogus claims that we intend to set up death panels to kill off the elderly," Cameron said. "Well, that is preposterous. A death panel is only one of many ways we can exterminate the elderly. Under my plan, they can be beaten or poisoned to death. They can be murdered by the Army or the Secret Service. They can die fast or they can die slow. They can even be drowned in their own bathtubs."

"The point is," Cameron continued, "there is a way to die in this plan for everyone."

According to the 990-page policy document, seniors would have access to more than 650 methods of execution, all of which would be covered by the NHS or done privately by BUPA. The legislation would also allow aging men and women to keep their own primary care physicians if they prefer to be euthanized by their family GP.

The bill also calls for the creation of government-run carbon monoxide poisoning clinics, termination chambers in all Local Government Office Basements, and a new giant pit in the Kielder Forest, Northumberland where seniors can be dumped and buried en masse.

"Let the record show, I am opposed to the government getting more involved in people's lives," Cameron said. "But in times of great change government has typically stepped in to lend a helping hand. That is why free shuttle buses to school gymnasiums pumped full of Sarin gas will be provided for all of our elderly!"

Barack Obama has been awarded the prestigious Nobel Prize for Peace!

The Nobel Committee revealed that President Obama has killed no more Iraqi, British, Americans and Afghani citizens than his predecessor George W. Bush.

President Obama stated, "I promised during my campaign that no more American soldiers would die in these wars", "No more have died. Of course no fewer have died either".

German President Horst Köhler stated, "Obamy marks the return of America into the hearts of the people of the world, except Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea, Israel and the other Middle Eastern countries."

The German president then drank a toast to Obama before falling off his stool.

Former Labour Deputy Prime Minister John Prescot was a dissenting voice among the crowd. "Why give the prize to some black pansy?" Prescot asked. "A real man would send in more troops, torture the hell out of them Afghani’s and get this war over with!"

US Commander in Afghanistan General Jeffrey J. Schloesser hoped that now that Obama has won the prize he will send more troops into Afghanistan. "I'm glad we got that silly prize thing out of the way so we can send more troops in and bomb the hell out of these godless bastards!" Schloesser stated.

According to the latest NHS figures released this morning H1N1 infections rose by 32,000 new cases last week in the UK. Swine Flu (also called hog flu, pig flu , Potbelly Hog flu, Police flu and the heaving shits) is an infection of a host animal by any one of several specific types of microscopic organisms called "swine influenza virus" by those who like confusing people.

This year the media labelled as "swine flu" flu caused by 2009's new strain of swine-or hog or police origin A/H1N1 pandemic virus just as it had earlier dubbed as "Avian flu" flu caused by the flu bug recent Asian-linage HPAI (High Pathogenic Avian Influenza)(See confusing people) H5N1 strain that is still at it's endemic stage in many wild bird or wild goose species in several countries.

A mixture of any of these, especially with the Swine Flu, can create what is called a B1N-G0! and you die.

That mixture is getting closer, some scientists think, as it has merged with the dreaded Primate Pox.

"The main trouble with the mixing with the Primate Pox", stated Doctor Charles Digby, "is that the victim who gets both, will not only get the shits from the Swine Flu but with the Primate Pox, often hurl it at people who will most certainly get it themselves if not cleaned immediately, then hurl their own faeces at others..an epidemic."

The National Health Service in most countries has warned their citizens to report anyone coming up to you with a cup held out for loose change, which is the first stage of the pox.

Also, beware of what he or she may have in their other hand!

UK-French relations are at a new low today and Britain's position within the EU is in jeopardy after French President Nicolas Sarkozy said he wanted the UK thrown out of the EU, "and preferably Europe". The news comes after the president's public falling-out with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown over Farming subsidies and the UK’s stance over Afghanistan.

In remarks which were at first thought to be off the record, Mr Sarkozy told journalists last night that Gordon Brown was a "one eyed fool" who "doesn't deserve to be in Europe, let alone the EU". He went on to say that "British bullshit" wasn't safe and he would be implementing a ban on it across France immediately.

Politicians in this country have responded angrily to Mr Sarkozy's comments. "Our bullshit is some of the best in the world," argued Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, Lord Mandelson. "We have stringent checks in place to ensure that it is not infected with any truths. Our safety procedures are the toughest in Europe, so I don't see what Mr Sarkozy's problem is."

The Conservatives immediately condemned the government for Mr Sarkozy's remarks. "I cannot believe the Prime Minister thinks Mr Sarkozy can get away with making such appalling insults as these against the British bullshit industry," spluttered their "leader", Mr Cameron. "This was not in the Labour manifesto, he has been misleading the electorate, he should apologise right away, or resign, yes, he should resign now!"

Astonishingly, Mr Sarkozy went even further today. "The British are the scourge of the European Union," he complained at a "power lunch" with European bankers. "They are forever holding things back and disagreeing with me. They won't use the same currency as us and they persist in having their bloody English Channel between them and the rest of us.

Why can't they have land borders like the rest of us? They're just plain awkward and they don't deserve to be in the EU. We should throw them out immediately, and seek approval from the UN to kick them out of Europe altogether!"

Titusville, Crawford County, Pennsylvania, United States:A tall thin old man with long white hair, wearing a dark blue parka bedecked with rhinestones, carrying a "Teddy Bear" showed up at an environmental protest meeting here yesterday. He looked vaguely familiar to the assembled throng, which grew silent in his presence.

The meeting was arranged because protestors were angry and upset about the renewed oil and gas drilling, expansion of the Alaska pipeline and there was no "Peace in the Valley."

Their signs read save the Caribou, or save the Polar Bears, or save the Penguins. The unexpected guest was invited to the podium to say a few words.

Some of you may remember me when I disappeared in 1977, as I ran away to Alaska to be left alone, but I never stopped "Loving You." I took my "Hound Dog" and we stayed at the "Heartbreak Hotel" for awhile, where I met a "Hard Headed Woman."

However, over these past 30 years "Too Much" has happened in the Last Frontier that has me "All Shook Up." The Caribou and the Polar Bear don't need saving, as they have become so numerous that my "Blue Suede Shoes" are always covered with animal shit. As for saving the Penguins, even "A Fool Such As I" knows they live at the South Pole!

Danish prostitute, Kirsten Sørensen, won the golden testicle at this years International Gagging Championships held in Amsterdam, Holland.

"I am very happy", smiled Kirsten, "winning is so much joy for me".

Kirsten has been a registered prostitute for almost 12 years in her home town of Aarhus. She honed her Gagging skills during breaks from her busy nightly routine.

"I pick up client", said Kirsten, " we do the bang bang. Then I roll him over and practice Gagging".

She has a strict regime of training. "I practice almost 4 years every day. More on weekends and holidays. My throat gets very sore sometimes".

Kirsten faced stiff competition from the other contestants, none more so than Nadja Heilbronner, the Germanic Titan as she likes to be called. "Feck her. I Gag and belch loudest. I win trophy. Happy days", giggled a proud Kirsten.

Pop Icon Madonna was whisked away from her London home in an ambulance today, amid rumours that she cannot cope without the support of her vagina, which yesterday announced that it was retiring from public life.

Madonna, 51, was thought to have experienced a "mood swing" just after midnight, and was admitted, along with her vagina, to the London Clinic, Harley Street, where doctors said she was "pathetic but stable".

Ms Ciccone’s most public private part took the extraordinary step of retiring after coming under intense media pressure, as a result of constant public attention. It indicated that it had spoken to lawyers, and that it might seek a legal separation from the singer.

Only this week, UK talk show host Jonathan Ross revealed that Madonna had seen a psychiatrist over "mental issues" giving rise to speculation that she was now mental.

He also said that Madonna was prone to "seeking attention" through increasingly non-devious means and calling 999 after a drink and that a mood swing might satisfy her craving for the limelight for a little while longer.

Medical staff said no fans whatsoever had showed up at the centre to offer support to the failing star.

Putting Criminals in prison breaches their human rights, a Strasbourg High Court has ruled.

The judgement by the European Court of Human Rights looks likely to force a change in the British law punishing wrongdoers.

The ruling came after a case brought by inmate Tommy Steele, who was given a life sentence in 1990 after pleading guilty to murder.

Speaking to DSS, Mr Steele said: "There are about 75,000 convicted prisoners in the UK, and all of them are there against their will. Are we such a fascist state that we deny law-abiding rapists and murderers their freedom?"

A spokesman for the Government said it would now give "urgent consideration" to reviewing current legislation.

Mr Steele initially took his claim to the High Court, which rejected his claim, pointing out that the man he had chopped up and left in buckets had had the human right not to be murdered horribly taken away from him by being murdered horribly.

However, today the European Court of Human Rights backed his claim, freeing him immediately, awarding him £8 million and letting him have anything he wanted from the local sweet shop in compensation.

Unfortunately Boyzone's Stephen Gately is deceased, alas no more, gone to meet his maker, the singer is dead. He has quit his mortal coil to join the great boy band in the sky. He died suddenly and for no obvious reason after a night out in Majorca whilst on holiday with his partner, Andrew.

Stephen, an average singer who didn't play piano or guitar and a decent enough actor without being particularly special, was well loved by many people including his mother.

Louis Walsh, Boyzone's manager, said "We're all devastated" the lad was like a son!

As we go to press, the other members of Boyzone: Lynch, Duffy, Keating and Graham each a household name, have landed in Majorca to be close to each other.

So whereas minor stars like McCartney, Jagger, Springsteen, Page, Plant, Coverdale, Gillan, Tyler, Wilson, Bono, Rose, Daltrey, Fogerty, Rodgers, Ridgeway, Cocker, Anderson, Henley, Corgan etc are all condemned to struggle along and suffer the iniquities of old age.

The greats live on forever in the lasting image of their heyday. Except for Jacko who obviously got his dates mixed up, however at least he has a new album out to herald the pending release of his first ever full length feature film!

* Stephen Gately RIP

Q. Does your pussy really need to be bathed?

A. No not always.

In fact, most pussies only need to be bathed if they start to exude a foul smelling or harmful substance, or have a skin condition. You can do a fine job of keeping your pussy clean with your tongue and fingers, and frequent bathing can actually dry it's skin and hair and cause more problems than it solves.

But if you must do it, here's the proper way: Ahem, so I am told!

First, brush or comb your pussy thoroughly. Never wet a matted coat. Few modern short-haired pussies will have mats, but if any sticky substance such as hardened cream or chocolate is in the fur, carefully clip or comb it out before wetting. Wetting will only make such problems worse.

Use a gentle, natural shampoo for your pussy. Avoid lanolin, deodorants, pesticides, or citrus fruits. All these things are irritating or toxic to pussies, or coat their fur. Have a pile of towels, and somewhere to sit while your partner or close friend holds your pussy. Use an empty shampoo bottle, and mix the shampoo with warm water, so when you apply it to your pussy it's warm, not cold. Cold liquids will make pussy flinch. Don't forget to lay a folded towel under your pussy's bottom to soak up any spills. This makes any pussy feel really secure.

Most pussy owners like to have the water running before they begin washing their pussy. Let the towel get nice and warm and wet before sitting her down on it. Hold pussy firmly with your fingers grasping the fur if necessary. Then use a hand-held sprayer to gently wet her all over before finishing her off with a brisk rub down.

If you find this over-excites your pussy you are washing her too often!

After years of struggling to get political acceptance, let alone social acceptance the BNP have somehow managed to get the UK evangelical vote. The party have finally worked out a way to reach out to those crazy Christian voters.

Their election strategy is to subtly use the idea of the "rapture" and the second coming of Jesus to gain votes.

The BNP are implying at every possible opportunity that Nick Griffin is the resurrection of Jesus. The plan is that evangelists will believe it all, and vote BNP to hasten the "Rapture".

It is a clever idea but one that is potentially risky. It is thought that Griffin may have to be crucified at the end of his four years as PM. Also it is possible that Armageddon could happen and that the world will be destroyed anyway.

Quotes:

"A man has to work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has it so easy, he has only to spray and his presence is there for years on rainy days."

— Albert Einstein

"I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it."

— Dawn French

"Statisticians are people who work with numbers but who don't have the personality to be accountants."

—Tel

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

— Andy Rooney

"Don't try to take on a new personality; it doesn't work."

— Richard M. Nixon

"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."

— Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

"You must stop this interview now as I have come to end of my personality."

— Quentin Crisp

"If it were not for Coffee I'd have no personality whatsoever!"

— Tel

My result for The Funny Personality Test ...

Minor Deity

You are 53% mature, 68% kind, 50% brilliant and 67% healthy.

Ooooh...you're smart! You're mature and have a good understanding of the finer things in life. ...AND you bless your worshippers, and sometimes even non-worshippers. Plus you're pretty cute. I like this a lot.
It's important to have the balance you have obtained. Obviously, you make time for people as well as for yourself, and the time you make involves actually living your life. This is a good example that you set for others.

So you take the test......?

Double Click on Rosies LEFT Cheek!

Thousands of people were last night sent into a state of blind panic after Sky News broadcasted clips of a simulated terrorist attack on London. The scenes, which included clouds of gas and mock news reports, were shown as part of an edition of the “It Could Happen to You!” Discovery Channel programme.

The episode was intended to show that even after the horror of the 2005 tube bombings Britain was still ill-equipped to deal with a major terrorist attack. Despite the footage being interspersed with discussion from a variety of experts and Peter Mandleson, along with repeated captions saying that the news clips were fictional, Sky News has received over 640 complaints.

"Last night I was channel-hopping and I saw what I thought were reports about a terrorist attack on London," said one Balham resident. "I didn't hang about, I hot-footed it down to my cellar straight away. It's the safest place, you see, especially with poison gas about. It was only when the kids came down for breakfast in the morning that I realised it wasn't real."

Another TV viewer was equally concerned. "It took me a good ten minutes to realise that it was only a mock," she wrote in an email to the Sky News complaints department. "I don't know what passes for humour at Sky these days but this certainly wasn't funny I didn't laugh once. Terrorist attacks are no laughing matter and you should refrain from making silly jokes out of them."

A spokesman for Sky apologised for any confusion the programme may have caused viewers, and assured our reporter that in future a warning would be broadcast before such programmes advising any stupid people watching to turn over to terrestrial TV.

In related news, a government simulation which was designed to reassure the public that everything possible is being done to prepare Britain's emergency services for the event of a terrorist attack last night ended in acrimony after the public branded it "thoroughly unrealistic". Responding to the public's concerns, the Home Secretary said that Sky was "totally irresponsible" in showing how vulnerable we are since it might "give the terrorists ideas" or lose Labour the forthcoming elections.

London-Trafalgar Square: There were violent angry scenes today when witch finders from all over the country descended on London to protest against parliament’s unanimous vote to abolish the burning of witches in both England and Wales.

Kelvin Higginbottom is a Witch Finder from Lancashire who could seek out and burn witches almost before he could walk. At the age of seven, he joined the local Witch-hunt to begin to learn how to follow in his father's footsteps.
Mr Higginbottom He said, "If Witch Burning is banned, I will lose my job and my home, as the house comes with the post. And if that happens, I'll be knocking at the door of 10 Downing St demanding my wages every Friday.

"He went on to say” for generations we have been burning witches and see this ban as a personal attack on our livelihoods from them no-it-all city folk. Even though me dad bought this manner two years ago as a second home from the city "

"Just tell me who will now protect our crops and harvest from spells being cast on our land? Many people will lose their jobs because of this ban, like the confession extractors, the men who carry out the ducking, the priest, the horsemen used to track down the witches, the woodsmen who cut the kindling for the fire, the man who lights the flame and the gossipers and whisperers who bring the witch to our attention."

"And to top of all this we have only been given around 5 years to prepare for this and now we have this verdict it is to sudden, the horses will have to go straight to the glue factory for a start, we have had an offer for them from a retired horse charity to look after them, but that would be less controversial and we cannot use the horses welfare as an argument then."

"Look If democracy is when a decision is made from a majority vote then I don't want to know."

In further developments a wax jacketed donning terrorist managed to elude security at the houses of parliament and get to the main chamber.

An MP commented “this is outrageous, our carpets had only just been cleaned in the chamber and now we are having to have it re-cleaned because of them bumpkins traipsing mud up and down it in their dirty muddy wellies, just look at the state of my trouser bottoms, filthy! This will cost the tax-payer dearly.

I took the test and my Sci Fi Character is Capt "T"

I suppose "I would boldly go where no one has gone before"

"Ah, Then again!

Click on the Capt Kirk picture and take the TEST! Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

Research results released this week by the Department of Health, reveals that pilots actually do a better job when drinking on the job or immediately before going to work.

The study, due to be published in this month's issue of New Scientist, was conducted using volunteer s from five major air carriers, and was conducted over a one-weekend period. Participants were not compensated for their time, but excess candidates still had to be turned away.

The results? "The findings were simply staggering," revealed Dr Will Stokes, head of the project.

Pilots who ingested between eight and ten beers directly before entering a flight simulator experienced increased reaction times, better coordination, and an improved capacity to make decisions under pressure. A control group of sober pilots appeared groggy and confused, and displayed increased levels of surliness. As an unexpected side effect, flight attendants said they found the intoxicated pilots more manly and charming than the control subjects.

The report is especially significant in light of the conviction this week of two former SAS pilots, who showed up to work after an all-night drinking binge in July of 2008. Debate has raged as to whether the study will be admissible in court and, if allowed, whether the findings constitute extenuating circumstances. While the prosecution barrister Mike Stevens called the pair "stumbling, fumbling drunks" and their actions "unconscionable", their lawyer James Rubin maintains that they are heroic trailblazers in the field of inebriation aviation.

"The world is just coming to realize what airline pilots have known for years," said Rubin. "Sucking back a few cold ones gives you the steady nerves you need to wrangle a 100-ton steel bird. My clients had nothing more in mind than the continued safety of their passengers and the operational efficiency of the airline. As a matter of fact, any pilot who enters the cockpit stone cold sober is putting his entire plane in undue jeopardy."

The CAA said it is willing to reconsider the revocation of the men's commercial pilot's licenses in light of the report, though the two still face swift discipline from SAS. "We have a reputation to consider," said Kirstin Myklebust, the company's Chairman, President and Chief Executive Officer.

"The alcohol thing, I think we can deal with, but do people really want to fly with a couple of guys too dumb to pop a breath mint before going through security?"

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband asks his wife to go to the local fancy dress shop and get costumes for them both to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes into the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the Halloween party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a piece of 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for woman?"

The wife now in a rage yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a Chocolate Lolly!"

Ferocious, Vicious, fighting, blue frogs have today destroyed much of Birmingham town centre, leaving the streets empty and strewn with the devastation left by battling the frog invasion.

The Blue frogs, armed with laser beams attached to their heads, began by imploring the citizens to bow to their new overlords before they started firing and disintegrating anyone that got in their way. Fairly soon the entire city was ablaze and smoking as the blue frogs continued their ransacking of the city.

"They'll kill us all!" screamed one innocent bystander who was killed as a result of her scream. This reporter was lucky to escape alive in his Reliant Robin. Others were not so lucky as the frogs leapt into their mouths and began firing away.

The frogs are set to continue their onslaught of the UK and will no doubt arrive at a city, town or cinema near you. Be warned: They'll kill you all!

Breaking News: - A new study by the Institute of Seminal Research has found that every time a person masturbates, they in fact, manage to kill a kitten.

The study took 100 people, male and female, randomly kidnapped from the streets of Bristol and had them masturbating 20 times a day for 6 weeks. The study showed that every time they had an orgasm, a kitten died.

The lead scientist, Dr Dick Van Bellend explained how he first came up with the idea:
"Well, you see I live alone and masturbate a lot, one day after an extremely stressful session, I got up to find my cat dead. I started working on this formula with the help of Prince Edward, who I have to thank for funding".

Some of the volunteers have died from the stress of the research and Dr Van Bellend is being sued for a total of £10,000,000.

Mr Andy Small, of Winchester, Hampshire, was arrested by police last week for his part in an incident in which several people were injured.

Mr Small, who is very corpulent, was given a jogging suit by his wife Susan, in the hope that he would take up exercise to lose weight. Wanting to please her, Mr Small attempted to go outside for a jog but found he was too obese to fit through the front door. He and his wife then removed the picture window. "He even had trouble getting through that," Mrs Small said, "until I convinced him to leave the refrigerator at home."

Police reports are sketchy on what happened next, but apparently Mr Small started running down the steep hill that leads to his house, tripped, and began rolling. He gained momentum as he careened downward, crushing several hedges, and at least one paperboy, Henry Cousins.

At the bottom of the hill, Mr Small was credited with sideswiping a bus full of pork scratchings salesmen heading for a conference in Portsmouth, overturning a Public Works van (awakening all six council employees inside), and bowling over at least eight out of a group of ten Girl Guides selling cakes and biscuits. Police were called at the nearest café stop and Mr Small was arrested for "reckless rolling" and "travelling 35 in a 30 mph zone." Also arrested at the scene were several unruly teenagers who witnessed the Girl Scouts being knocked down. They reportedly attempted to liberate Mr Small from police custody and roll him back up the hill so that he could "go for the remaining Girl Guides."

Tunbridge Wells-Kent: A 6-year-old Great Dane was arrested after neighbours reported seeing the dog sexually assaulting his owner, Abdelhak Ben Chikha, 37.

The Great Dane was arrested for investigation of two counts of sexual assault on a human, according to a statement from Kent Police Detective Kevin Metland.

Detectives learned of the alleged crimes after going to the Great Danes kennel to notify him that he was required to register as a sex offender, the statement said. The dog had been convicted last December of exposing himself to an 11-year-old girl, police said.

He was also wanted on an outstanding £2,000 heartworm drug warrant.

While at the kennel, police learned that the Great Dane was also living inside of Chikha's home Metlands's statement said.

Neighbours reported that Abdelhak often slept naked in the kennel with the family dog, the statement said. They said they saw the Great Dane sexually assault Chikha with a broom handle and his paw and heard Chikha cry in pain when he was in the kennel, the statement said.

Neighbours also reported seeing the Great Dane, in his back yard dressed in a woman's bra and a thong, dancing with a broom handle, police said.

The Great Dane was cautioned and taken into custody at Tunbridge Wells Police Station Crescent Road, Tunbridge Wells, according to Kent Police Web site.

The UK Human Society, took Abdelhak Ben Chikha into protective custody, police said. The family might not get Chikha back if the Great Dane is convicted of sexually assaulting him.

Studies have shown a link between abuse of humans and abuse of animals, said Steven Adams, manager of the domestic human abuse division of Great Danes for the Ethical Treatment of Humans.

"A large percentage of canine sexual abusers start out abusing humans," he said.

Later that day, Mr. Chikha was transported to the Spire Hospital where he underwent a lengthy surgery for the removal of large number of haemorrhoids, treated for an infestation of fleas, and started on a series of painful rabies shots.

In other news, pop icon Madonna has contacted Kent Police and is applying to become a foster parent to the Great Dane.

The Hallmark Channel has today announced a new reality TV show will be launched in November this year. Each weekly episode will feature a well known Hollywood or small screen celebrity travelling to a different city or location and having sex with the ordinary citizens who happen to live there.

Hallmark executives were slow to warm up to the concept, but after two pilot episodes featuring Britney Spears visiting Salt Lake City and Johnny Depp on a weekend at a large shopping mall in Chicago, everyone was sure they had a hot ticket to big Winter TV ratings. Hallmark producers have been looking at TV viewer polls and demographics that show that the average TV viewer's biggest complaint in life is that they can only watch sexy stars on the tube. Now this is all about to change!

It is rumoured that Madonna, Matt Le Blanc, Bebe Neuwirth, Benicio Del Toro, and the Bush twins are among the celebrities scheduled to appear this winter. The locations, however, are being kept top secret to avoid pandemonium.

Hollywood is buzzing with a long list of celebrities that Hallmark has determined would NOT appear on the new show. The list includes: Roseanne Barr, Tony Shalhoub, Harriet Miers, Whoopi Goldberg, Gwyneth Paltrow, Billy Joel and Ricky Martin.

A source at Hallmark says that the celebrity and the location will be announced on air just one hour before the show---just to make sure that a reasonably sized crowd of people shows up for the televised sex.

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Visit the "Back Pain Relief Blog" BACK TROUBLES!

David Cameron Conservative Leader-Manchester: Today, there is one issue that looms larger than any other in British politics: the amount of government borrowing.

According to some estimates the UK Government will borrow 14 per cent of our national income next year. Right now we are borrowing more in a month than governments used to worry about borrowing in a whole year.

So If given a clear mandate to lead this great nation of ours, and following the upsurge in the adoption of African orphans, and other foreign children, I will sanction, the introduction of a new tax governing the importation of these children into the country.

"In the main it is the more wealthy individuals who are bringing these orphans into the country." David Cameron told a committee of MPs. "We should tax the little bastards before they set one tiny little toe on British soil. Why, our country is already full of our own bastards thanks to the lucrative benefits we award to our wonderful British single mothers. We can use this taxation to reward the long-serving unemployed workforce of Britain."

According to Mr. Cameron's draft report the adoptive parents shall pay a flat fee of £2,500 per child they bring into the country then a further £120 per kg.

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At the Conservative Party Conference this afternoon in Manchester, Michael Gove Shadow Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families announced that Fat people are to be banned from entering, or enrolling at English schools.

The ban, from next September, has been formally backed by Shadow Health Secretary Andrew Lansley as the next phase in the Government's healthy lifestyles campaign. It is thought Scottish and Welsh schools will also fall into line.

The Weirside Challenge

The Children's Weights and Measures Review Panel will meet next week to discuss an agreed body mass index (BMI) over which children and teenagers will be sent home to lose weight. The likely level is to be set at 24 however it is probable that this will be raised to 30 in the North East of England to ensure that at least some pupils go to school.

"I am absolutely clear that the reason there is so much junk food in our education system is because we have too many fat people," said Mr Gove. "So today I can announce that we will ban overweight pupils in schools from next September."
The monitoring of children's weight will be the responsibility of the Ofsted School Inspectors.

Nick Griffin BNP Leader and Euro MP, today welcomed the initiative, "as far as it goes", but felt that the Conservative party statement only scratched the surface of the problem. "When will this be extended to teachers and school governors? There are millions of overweight headmasters all over the country," he stated.

What about the Clarkes?

Mr Gove retorted that this was merely the first stage in the campaign against obesity and that the ban would extend to all walks of life by 2012. To emphasise his point, he stated that it was unlikely that Charles Clarke would be in the Cabinet by then.

The Liberal Democrats have no Clarke's in parliament and therefore declined to comment.

Cookbooks

TV chef Jamie Oliver welcomed the initiative, but noted that Britain had been totally swamped by celebrity cookbooks this month and demanded that all, but his own, are withdrawn from sale in the lucrative run up to Christmas.

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Thirty years of scientific research finally bore results today when Swiss confectioners announced they have come up with a novel way to enjoy chocolates, AND maintain healthy-looking teeth - CHOCO TOOTHPASTE!

The Swiss love their chocolates, and, as a consequence, have the worst teeth in Europe

Taking all the ingredients of the White Chocolate Champagne Truffle, and blending it with an equal measure of ordinary toothpaste, the experts came up with the winning formula, which, apparently, is proven in the fight against tooth decay, as well as tasting wonderful.

There's no need to brush either. The CHOCO TOOTHPASTE comes in sweet form, so forget your toothbrush. Just pop one in your mouth, and enjoy that sweet chocolate sensation as it melts in your mouth, and let the magic formula work its spell.

CHOCO TOOTHPASTE is to be launched on the UK market in December, and will retail at around £6.99 for a box of 24 sweets.

The manufacturers have said that, although the product is proven in the fight against tooth decay, it won't stop consumers becoming overweight and probably obese.

But rather than spend £6.99 on a box of 20 why not try out my Mum’s good ol’ fashioned genuine own recipe for Chocolate Toothpaste!
Servings: 4-8 Depending on how much you want

Ingredients:
x1 7" Sweet Pastry Case
35g margarine
75g Sugar
10g Drinking Chocolate
10g Cocoa Powder
115g Dried Milk Powder
75ml Warm Water

Method
Cream the sugar and margarine together until smooth in a clean bowl. Add the cocoa powder and drinking chocolate powder to the mix and cream in. Then add the milk powder and warm water a little at the time to the mix. Using an electric whisk, blend for about 4 minutes until all the milk powder has dissolved. Pour the mixture into the pastry and refrigerate for 2 hours or until set. Once set, slice into quarters or eighths and enjoy!

Now where did I put my STERIDENT!

A major row erupted earlier this week when Flight Lieutenant Jesse Mountjoy was granted permission to carry out a Pagan Halloween ritual at her base in Brize Norton, Oxfordshire.

Under laws protecting religious freedom, Jesse, an attractive single mother of four from Brentwood, in Essex, has been described by her commanding officer as “an upstanding member of society”. And by Kent Tory MP, Anne Widdecombe, as “an evil little harlot who has sex with demons” by which we assume she means Labour party members.

Pert breasted Jesse has been enthusiastically preparing for Halloween or Samhain, as it is called by the Witches’ coven of which she is the High Priestess since Monday. Ms Mountjoy styles herself as 'The Handmaiden of the Society of the Black Cock' a shadowy cult led by a mysterious figure known only to his followers by the seminal sobriquet of 'Mandingo Staines.'

The MOD has dismissed accusations by leading Churchmen that Ms Mountjoy is a filthy slut hell bent on getting her perverted jollies from sacrificing chickens and drinking the blood of virgins during Halloween as 'preposterous', pointing out that as senior catering officer, the 28-year-old single mum can 'hardly prepare Coq au Vin without cutting up a few capons.'

"Jesse is a thoroughly modern woman who asked to practice her religious beliefs at her Royal Air force Base," a ministry spokesperson told DSS philosophically. "Her request was treated sympathetically by the Base's commanding officer. I hardly think that letting off steam with a few female leading aircraft NCO’s in bikinis, a couple of pumpkins and an assortment of large candles, in any way undermines the traditional values of sobriety, sexual abstinence and non-violence for which British Service personnel are renowned the world over."

But this defence carries little weight with the right-wing moral crusader, Anne Widdecombe, who alleges that the slim, attractive blond:

Indulged in an eighteen-hour bout of self-abuse with a Halloween pumpkin during which she orgasmed 24 times.

Regularly discharged her duties dressed only in a 'satanic thong', suspenders and high-heeled shoes.

Asked a visiting American Senior Officer to whip her bare bottom with her suspenders.

Tarred and feathered two junior aircraft men and then forced them to lick melted chocolate from her naked breasts.

Summoned up the ghoulish spectre of Arthur Travers (Bomber) Harris and forced it to have explosive sex with her while she celebrated Halloween.

DSS talked to the naughty RAF officer's 57-year-old mother at her neat terraced home in Brentwood and asked her what all the fuss was about.

"Just because someone believes in Satan does not make them a bad person," explained Mrs Mountjoy primly. "Jesse doesn’t have an evil bone in her body."

"Except when Satan's got his evil bone in her," we replied.

"That's a wicked lie," snapped the plump matron. "Satan is a very kind, sweet and good-natured father who loves his family deeply."

"His 'family' being your daughter's four illegitimate kids?" we asked.

"They're not illegitimate!" retorted Mrs Mountjoy, excitedly. "Satan is their daddy. Hail Satan!"

At this point our interview was unexpectedly cut short when Mrs Mountjoy tore open her dress and thrust her ample bosom in our reporter's face.

Flight Lieutenant Jesse Mountjoy, serving at RAF Brize Norton, was given permission to celebrate Halloween at her base by her commanding officer, Group Captain Nickolas DeVille, who has openly admitted he is 'sympathetic to alternative religions.'

"The Royal Air Force is an equal opportunities employer," the dapper, Pilot Officer told DSS smilingly, as he sipped a glass of red wine in his Officers Mess Room, decorated with lithographs of dancing witches and naked satyrs. "We do not discriminate against specific religious beliefs."

"Even if the believer is a self-confessed Satanist and masturbates with pumpkins?" we asked.

"Most people are Satanists," replied Group Captain DeVille smoothly. "I don't know about the pumpkins."

"Really?" we replied. "We think the Church might disagree with you."

"Quite possibly, but what the Church preaches in public and what it's members practise in private are two very different things."

"What do you mean?"

"According to Ms Mountjoy, the satanic festival of Halloween represents unbridled self indulgence, intoxication, mindless casual sex, violence, vengeance and deceitfulness."

"On that basis most of the country is celebrating Halloween every day of the year," we replied.

"Apart from Anne Widdecombe," replied the Group Captain, draining his glass with a smug grin, "Ms Mountjoy invited Anne to kiss Satan's bottom but she declined on the grounds that it might introduce a dangerous precedent into the Tory Party."

A report from the Commission for Racial Equality, released today, has come to the conclusion that saying the word 'Muslim' may be offensive to Muslims.

The CRE has three main duties:

•to work towards the elimination of racial discrimination and promote equality of opportunity
•to encourage good relations between people from different racial and ethnic backgrounds
•to monitor the way the Race Relations Act is working and recommend ways in which it can be improved

Head of the Commission Trevor Phillips went further, saying that even looking in the general direction of Muslims may also be unacceptable and should stop immediately.

The news follows reports that Shakespearean plays and Spanish Festivals, which include references to the Prophet Mohammed, performed without problem for centuries, have also been deemed not acceptable.

Mr Phillips denied that this was rabid censorship, but said today that all television news reports, newspapers and books should also no longer use the 'M' word, with people replacing it with a polite ahem, cough and an 'oh excuse me' instead.

Speaking on Sky News, prominent Muslim cleric Abu Qatada said that he "wasn't particularly bothered" about people using the 'M' word, but he responded angrily when the interviewer suggested that he might like to wear a veil in the interests of sexual equality.

When Jackie Evans woke up yesterday, she assumed it would be an ordinary day. But for the 24 year-old human resources assistant from Sandhurst, Kent, the day was anything except ordinary.

“I jumped into the shower, you know, to get ready for work, but I had a little extra time. So I took my shower massager out of its cradle and started doing a little, ah, creative exploring. It started feeling really good. I mean, REALLY good. Um,.............................. do you know if my Dad visits this site?”

Assured by the trembling DSS reporter that he would personally guarantee her father never gain access to this or any other website on the Internet, Miss Evans continued: “I kind of, well, I was compelled to probe a bit. Nothing nasty like, no shampoo bottles or anything it was totally organic.

That’s when I hit IT, and I swear on my dead Aunt Claire’s grave, in that moment, I met my Maker, and it was good. I will never be the same again.”

Upon hearing the beat reporter’s account at an impromptu staff meeting, several members of the DSS team insisted on calling, emailing and/or visiting Miss Evans home to verify her story.

“Miss Evans is 5’ 7”, with long, thick, black hair, shapely legs, and a firm yet abundant posterior. I bet she’s got a whole alphabet of spots, if you know what I mean,” said John Cornish, Director of Public Affairs.

“When I saw Miss Evans, I started to get religious myself,” said Justin Jeyes, Sanitation Specialist. “Let’s just say it wouldn’t have taken Jesus three days to rise if Miss Evans was on the scene.”

Adam.C. Marple, DSS’s detective-for-hire, is feverishly committed to uncovering the whole story. “It’s puzzling that it’s taken her so long to find something that someone more experienced, more task-oriented someone like myself, really could have helped her find years ago. I can’t help but wonder, what else has this poor maiden been missing out on? Mark my words, I will find out, and I will make things right, if it’s the last thing I do.”

Under-fire Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, reacting angrily to criticism after his team were comprehensively beaten 2-0 by Chelsea yesterday, has threatened to leave the club, and to return to his former calling as a night club bouncer.

And it won't take him long to get to his former place of employment, because, in real life, Benitez is none other than Max who manned the doors with Patrick 'Paddy' O'Shea at the Phoenix Club in Bolton.

After Max, real name Maxwell Bygraves, left the Phoenix, he and Paddy drove a motor home around Europe where he contrived to secure the manager's position at Valencia, before being lured back to his native Northwest to take the reins at Anfield.

Now though, after he committed a 'criminal offence' in substituting £200,000-a-week captain Steven Gerrard in last week's Champions League game, Max has lost the support of the Reds' fans, who have labelled him 'Manuel', 'Que?', 'Spic' and 'Chiselchin'.

(UK London) – Premier front runner, David Cameron, today announced that, if he is elected, he will reveal the cure for the common cold.

On the eve of the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester, Mr Cameron stated, "I'll do anything to get elected. I'll bribe babies, I'll promise free health care to all 3 million illegal immigrants. I'll make campaign promises, promises I have no intentions of keeping, to anyone who votes! I'm a politician, that's what I do."

David also promises to give us a cure for the common cold. "We politicians have had the cure for the common cold for decades. We just kept it a government secret. Now, if all you Labourites vote for me, and I get anointed, uh, I mean elected, as King, uh, I mean prime minister, then I'll reveal the cure for the common cold."

UK politicians, indeed, may have been hiding the cure for the common cold. Think about it, when is the last time you saw a politician on TV coughing and sneezing with a cold? Never!

A spokesperson for the group, Britain’s Against Brain-Dead Politicians, stated, "Imagine that, the government hiding the cure for the common cold! We always thought politicians never caught a head cold because they were brain dead."

Breaking News-Young Children who are losing teeth will find no money under their pillows for many weeks to come, as the government has ordered the tooth fairy to undergo CRB checks before she can continue working with children.

"Employees of all government funded organisations have to undergo CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) checks before they can work with vulnerable members of society," explained Police Chief Sir Tommy Smith before reminding us that the tooth fairy in funded with tax payers money.

Although the current residing tooth fairy has been in office for over 40 years, she has never undergone a CRB check due to mythical creatures being "a tricky grey area."
"Much as we'd like to believe in them, not all imaginary people can be trusted," explained expert on magical beings, Uri Geller, who is in support of the government decision.

But the suspension has been the subject of much controversy. Some members of the public say we should be doing whatever we can to protect our children but others feel it's peado-phobia gone mad. One primary school teacher from Wiltshire said "If we can't put our faith in a creature invented for the delight of our children, then who can we put our faith in?"

This is not the first time the tooth fairy has made the news this year. In March she famously sued a homeless man for pulling out two of his own teeth to claim 40p. "People need to go through the correct channels to get government benefits" she told the press.

But how does she feel now that she's being put through official channels?
"I feel undervalued as an employee," she told reporters, "Because I am the only mythical creature who is being put through this procedure, I feel like they are pointing the finger directly at me."

She explained that she loves children before adding, "in the most non-sexual way in the world. I'm four inches tall and I have wings for Christ's sake! Did you ever see anything with wings rape a child?" She makes an indisputable point.

However plans to run CRB checks on Father Christmas and The Easter Bunny are in the pipeline. Chief executive of the CRB, Justin Mathews explains the delays, "Whilst here in the UK we have our own tooth fairy, there is one Father Christmas for the whole world. It would be near impossible to check that he hadn't been caught delivering more than toys, anywhere in the world. Just look at Gary Glitter."

The new jurisdiction over tooth fairies was designed to help parents feel safe but instead has shed doubt on a demographic we once trusted empathically.

Have government actions backfired? Only time will tell.

Unemployed man Danny Hales of Maidstone, Kent, has been forced to move out of his council house in the town because of the rancid smell of his next-door-neighbour's Fanny, it has been reported.
Danny Hales had lived in the same rented accommodation for more than 35 years, but it was the beginning of the end for his long tenancy when Felicity Ramparts and her seven children moved into the house next door to him.

Her private parts stunk so much, that seagulls began to congregate on her roof, thinking that it was a trawler, and cats from all over the district would gather outside her door, having been attracted by the anchovies-like aroma.

Ramparts, 22, received visits from many men of all ages during the twilight hours, and Mr Hales claims she may have been a prostitute. Miss Ramparts, however, denies this, saying that she has an illness which renders her quim so rank, that her underwear literally "disintegrates".

Maidstone Borough Council officials, who visited the property, have reported that the entire house "could benefit from redecoration." One said:

"It hummed a bit. It was a bit like Ramsgate harbour on a windy day!"

In response to a series of articles linking fast food to the UK’s rapidly increasing obesity epidemic, McDonald's, the world's largest fast food chain, has silenced critics with plans to unveil their latest creation; Tapeworm McNuggets.

McDonald's UK CEO, Teddy McWopper, was very enthusiastic about his company's new product. "Tapeworms taste just like chicken and they still have all the yummy crunch of a regular McNugget. Plus you can eat all you want because the more you eat, the more the tapeworm eats. This is a world first a true breakthrough. It's the very first battered and fried diet food. Think about all the weight people are going to lose by eating at McDonald's."

McDonald's plans to start selling Extra Crispy Tapeworm McNuggets and Cajun Spice Tapeworm McNuggets by the end of next month.

999-Police and Firefighters were called to the Thai Village Restaurant, Bold Street, Liverpool, to defuse a really hot chilli dish prepared by chefs. The dish, called Nam Prik Pao, was too hot to handle, and customers and staff alike had to run for cover.

Restaurant supervisor Hong Ngoc:

"We've never made a chilli dish this hot before. We used green chillies, red chillies, yellow chillies and the famous chillies which are too hot to have any colour. We made it for one of our patrons who ordered the hottest dish on the menu. It is even hotter than a Chicken Phal, which is itself hotter than vindaloo.

"It wasn't until our patron had taken his first bite that he realised how hot it was. He face went purple, his hair stood on end and he started breathing puffs of smoke like a dragon. Within seconds, he was on fire, he collided with other customers, the flames spread and we had to call for fire engines, an ambulance and the police. The police called the bomb squad."

Firefighters had to spray customers for up to half an hour to douse all traces of the chilli fire. Several were admitted to hospital with minor burns though all but the original patron have since been discharged.
One doctor said:

"We are treating a male patient for internal combustion. Many of his arteries have been burned. What was he, a Circus fire-eater?"

Police confirmed that the remnants of the chilli have been taken to forensic laboratory for examination to make sure that they are safe and that the dish was not terrorist-linked. A Chief Inspector from Merseyside Police commented:

"We thought there was a terrorist incident so we arrived at the restaurant packing heat. Turns out that some pussy had ordered a dish that was too hot for him. Big deal. My fellow officers and me eat Nam Prik Pao for breakfast and we don't complain."