Elderly Given Right To Choose How They Are Killed!

LONDON—12:30 pm: Conservative Leader David Cameron held a nationally televised address this lunch time to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his national health proposals.

Assuring British citizens that under a Conservative Government the elderly and infirmed will have the right to choose how they are executed.

Mr.Cameron vowed to systematically eliminate all British seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2012.

"Let me dispel these ridiculous rumours once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the Conservative Leader, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority. "If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a secondary school football field, she is entitled to that right."

"Once again, let me be perfectly clear," Cameron continued. "Seniors, rest easy knowing that I will never, under any circumstance, sign a bill that doesn't give you the option of being murdered by my Government in a manner of you’re choosing. I promise you that."

During his 45-minute address, Mr. Cameron repeatedly stressed his deep and abiding respect for the nation's 65-and-over citizens, saying that murdering them in ways they wouldn't want to be murdered would be both un-British and "Basically Immoral."

Mr. Cameron also accused his opponents of using scare tactics to score political points, manipulating the elderly’s fears with misinformation about their upcoming state-mandated deaths.

The Conservative Leader said he sympathized with and related to the fears of older citizens, adding that if a politician told him he could only be killed by being forcibly removed from his home and shot in the street like a dog, but left out the fact that he could also be put down by painless lethal injection, he would be scared,too.

"People' concerns over my plan are all based on bogus claims that we intend to set up death panels to kill off the elderly," Cameron said. "Well, that is preposterous. A death panel is only one of many ways we can exterminate the elderly. Under my plan, they can be beaten or poisoned to death. They can be murdered by the Army or the Secret Service. They can die fast or they can die slow. They can even be drowned in their own bathtubs."

"The point is," Cameron continued, "there is a way to die in this plan for everyone."

According to the 990-page policy document, seniors would have access to more than 650 methods of execution, all of which would be covered by the NHS or done privately by BUPA. The legislation would also allow aging men and women to keep their own primary care physicians if they prefer to be euthanized by their family GP.

The bill also calls for the creation of government-run carbon monoxide poisoning clinics, termination chambers in all Local Government Office Basements, and a new giant pit in the Kielder Forest, Northumberland where seniors can be dumped and buried en masse.

"Let the record show, I am opposed to the government getting more involved in people's lives," Cameron said. "But in times of great change government has typically stepped in to lend a helping hand. That is why free shuttle buses to school gymnasiums pumped full of Sarin gas will be provided for all of our elderly!"