When Linda Bellingham ended a seven-year relationship with David Sadler of Southend a month ago, her reasons were only too familiar to most women who break up with their boyfriends.
He was a boozy, lazy, inconsiderate, selfish sod who thought foreplay meant unzipping her jeans. There was no chemistry in their love life; they often argued about in-laws and money, she wanted kids but he was happy with just a dog.
But the cut that finally snapped Linda's knicker elastic was when she found David’s porn stash. "I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor under the dining table as usual," the shaken Dental Nurse, 27, confided to DSS, "when I discovered a loose floorboard. The bastard had hidden a stack of porn magazines full of naked women with bigger boobs than mine right under where I serve dinner, I might add, that I slave over and serve every night promptly at seven thirty!"
After this embarrassing discovery, all hell broke loose. “Linda just went crazy," recounted David, 32. "All of a sudden, she’s got these gunked up pages pressed up to her nose and she’s accusing me of having an affair with Miss Nude October, even though I swore blind I was still doing Miss Anal September at the time. Next thing I know, She’s digging through my wardrobe upstairs, tossing my wank socks into the street. She even chucked my Cassy out of the bedroom window, stabbing her first with her nail scissors,” he added, choking back his tears.
'Cassy',as we discovered after much probing, is David’s blow up sex doll. Although the busty brunette bombshell was deflated at the time and only slightly harmed in her second story fall, a crestfallen David immediately rushed out of the house to give his pneumatic lover mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
“Linda slammed the door in my face,” the unemployed shop fitter confided to DSS ruefully. “So I tucked Cassy under my arm and was going to take her across the lake until I realised my boat keys were still in my overalls in the bedroom. So I made Cassy as comfy as I could in the boat and headed back to the house. Linda was angrier than a wasp with a crooked stinger when I came through the door.
She ended up chasing me to my van with the non stick frying pan I bought her last year for her birthday and then threw Miss Nude December at me. So I grabbed the magazine and drove to a B&B instead, stopping off on the way to pick up a box of Kleenex and a case of larger.”
Linda, Brunette, 34-30-38, has since patched things up with David, who patched up things with Cassy with the aid of a puncture repair kit! The two reconciled love birds plan to marry next summer.
A joyful David put his arm around Linda's waist and gave Cassy's enormous breasts a playful squeeze. “The honeymoon’s gonna be a blast!” He added delightedly.
PixieBell
lol