Gordon Brown announced today that the United Kingdom government would stop supplying troops in Afghanistan with Mine Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) vehicles and replace the entire fleet with 1961 standard Volkswagen Beetles, and transports made of cardboard.
"We have spent millions of pounds on these vehicles and by the first weekend these kids have them exploded," Brown said referring to the troops. "We have to teach these young men responsibility. You cannot take a 25 million pound vehicle and crack it up the first time you take it for a spin."
During a press conference at No 10, Brown was asked if the damage to the vehicles could be attributed to IED's and not reckless driving.
"IED's," the Prime Minister said chuckling. "I used that one when I cracked up the Triumph Spitfire. I looked my Dad in the eye and said 'Honest to God Dad the road just blew up under me.' No, can't fool me with that one, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, teenage wasteland, it's nothing but teenage wasteland."
Pte James Stewart from Colchester Garrison, upon being informed of the news stated: "We are all going to die."
Besides the Volkswagen Beetle, reportedly chosen by the Prime Minister after a private screening of "Herbie Rides Again," the cardboard transports were chosen because they are considered too light to set off pressure triggered roadside bombs.
Brown also praised the cardboard transports because it comes without wheels, and to use it troops will have to reach under it, pick it up and run with it.
"These terrorists want to take us back to the stone-age," Brown said. "When they see our troops carrying card board vehicles around them," (named the Flintstone 2000) "they will think they have won and will retreat."
Ironically Taliban insurgents were angered when they heard the news. "You ever blow up cardboard! It just go poof! No bang! This bring the Mohammed down."
In a totally unrelated story earlier this morning Mr Mandelson purchased every cardboard company in the country.
