Scientists at the University of Reykjavik claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.
A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Iranius Celsius found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Satan’s Province.
Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis, Dr. Celsius concluded that the incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades.
For example:
-- Snatching of souls is up 31 percent over the previous fiscal year.
-- Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 55 percent, due in part to triple-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s, 90s and early 2000.
-- Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.
The Reykjavik report also cited the Devil's incendiary work here on Earth, noting that the MI6 is now examining what appears to be charred, cloven hoof prints lifted from shredded Northern Rock documents.
The report also charges that Satan and his henchmen control oil prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.
Underworld spokesman Bernie Crisp roundly denounced the University of Reykjavik findings as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."
"This is just another example of Satan being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Barrow In Furness, Cumbria.
Burnt Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.
"Satan, the Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch-call him what you will- has been around for thousands of years perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."
The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trips to both London and Washington D.C.
