Sex_Education
Ed Balls MP, Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families announced today that masturbation, or wanking as it's known to most young boys, will be required teaching at all schools in the U.K.

"It's reprehensible that some young people are going through puberty without knowing how to wank", Balls said at an early afternoon press conference. "If young people wanked more there would be less teenage pregnancy and incidents of sexually transmitted diseases."

The Chief Medical Officer (CMO), Sir Liam Donaldson, agreed with Balls plan. "Children have to learn there is more than one way to have an orgasm", Donaldson said. “Our motto is 'sex can wait –masturbate”.

Donaldson was surprised to learn that slogan has already been taken "All right then, how about “don't fuck your date, masturbate?”

Sir Liam said he will find some catchier slogans at a later time.

Balls did not outline a suggested curriculum for teaching masturbation but suggested that should be left to the individual schools teachers.

"I've already got some homework assignments for them", said Canterbury schoolteacher Susan Stone. “I only plan on teaching the basics such as shaft stroking and twat twiddling. I don't think children this age should be overexposed to dildos, vibrators, heated rubber vaginas or French ticklers. That should be more of a college course. But, of course, there is nothing like a good soapy tit wank!”

Professor Jane Dacre, Former Academic Vice-President of the Royal College of Physicians and Chair of the RCP’s Women and Medicine working group, was ecstatic to learn of the new education ruling. “It's what I've been saying all along”, Dacre beamed. “Now we'll all be able to get ourselves off without always having to get
laid.”

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