The Dead Synapses Society

United Kingdom: New figures released today show a remorseless dive in the numbers of UK marriages and a massive increase in the birth of babies outside of wedlock.

By 2012 it is expected that half of all new born children will be bastards.

This news comes as no surprise to those who already think that most children are misbegotten feral mongrels and the UK's weak response of handing out ASBO’S has done little to help.

Bus passengers are most at threat from an increased number of the illegitimate little angels who seem to think everyone wants to share their music and conversations.

The United Kingdom Society of Grumpy Old Men has announced a two phase plan.

A spokesperson told DSS, "We are pressing Government to end child support and force Kellogg’s cereal makers to alter their ingredients to incorporate the morning after pill".

London – Westminster: A bill passed by Parliament today, outlawing the possession of "extreme pornography" is set to become law next week. However the law, which encompasses 'violent sexual act’s could make everyone a criminal.

As defined by the new Criminal Justice Bill the following will become illegal:

a) An act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life.

b) An act which results in or appears to result in serious injury to a person's anus, breasts or genitals.

The new law will therefore make all movies that include any sort of violence illegal as, as the law defines, any act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life will be an illegal image.

Filming of several British movies has been halted - including the new James Bond movie and the new Harry Potter movie.

Some say the law will finally kill off the British movie industry as producers, scared they will fall foul of the law, look elsewhere to make their movies.

Also banned are any scenes from movies or TV shows that show someone being 'kicked in the balls' - this means filming of ITV cop drama New Tricks was immediately halted as a future episode was to show a fight between a gang of criminals - this scene will be re-shot and the fight will now consist of verbal name calling.

The new carry-on movie has also been cancelled as it included a scene of man smacking a woman's 'bottom'.

All shows showing any scenes of caning are also banned.

All episodes of Benny Hill have been confiscated and are to be burnt.

Former Mayor of London Mr Ken Livingston, who claims he has never seen porn (yeah right), is behind the new law.

"This is just the first step" said Livingston "we are developing new technology that means anyone even thinking about violent sex, kinky sex, bondage, or any other sex, between two consenting adults - that isn't politically correct, will be arrested and locked up!"

Prince Philip is said to be very upset!

United Kingdom – Oxford – A Scientific report released today by UK Scientists contains startling new information in reference to orange juice and the common cold.

Experiments conducted by Oxford University Influenza and Common Cold Division, of the Centre for Disease Control, reveals that people who drink orange juice and then kiss someone during the first three days after the person they are kissing caught a cold will catch a cold themselves.

The scientists are warning people not to drink orange juice if they are going to kiss someone with a cold unless the orange juice is laced with vodka to kill the cold germs.

Another team of scientists strongly disagrees with the results of these experiments and have warned people to use Gin instead of Vodka in their juice.

Time was being called on the reality TV programme 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here' after former Eastenders star Lucy Benjamin was brutally clubbed to death and eaten.

The drama unfolded after Benjamin, who had failed to win any stars in her bush tucker trial, was asleep in her hammock.

Stars, including eighties pin-up girl Samantha Fox and popular celebrity chef Gino D'Acampo were seen creeping towards the actor and launching into a vicious and sustained attack.

Horrified viewers watched as Sabrina Washington skinned and dismembered the former soap star. Sabrina, whose hits include 'Take It to the Top' and the top 10 album “Lickin On Both Sides” was also seen rifling through the dead actors rucksack and stealing her boots.

Concerns have been raised in the past that the hit channel four show has been turning some celebrities 'feral'.

Top celebrity psychologist Professor Rammond Van Donk claimed last night, "This is not uncommon.

Celebrities often lose their individuality and revert to pack behaviour when they are stressed or in a large group. This can often lead to violence which, of course, was all too evident in the 2004 series of Celebrity Big Brother when George Galloway was hunted down and roasted over a spit."

Channel Four apologised for the graphic scenes which appeared before the 9 pm watershed but claimed that Benjamin had been happy to be eaten. "Lucy's a real pro," confided one channel four insider, "and besides, if she'd shouted 'I'm a Celebrity' we'd have got her out of there."

DSS interviewed presenters Ant and Dec at their luxury hotel in Brisbane last night but we couldn't make out a word they said.

Scotland-Inverness — A Coastal freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra heading for Inverness struck a submerged rock outcrop and sank in Loch Ness today. As a result, the once-frigid loch no longer dangles down towards Fort Augustus and Fort William, but now spans majestically across towards Ullapool.

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved, the loch slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Gairloch. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Loch Monar.
Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Loch Ness was "like an entirely new Loch, teaming with life."

"For so many years that Loch just, you know, sat there, with periodic made up stories about sighting the mythical monster" said Zoe Mac Donald "To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

Leader of the Scottish Parliament First Minister Jack McConnell, declared a state of emergency, while in Dunoon Alan Reid, Liberal Democrat MP for Argyll & Bute, said "Is Loch Ness a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"

Following last week's barmy decision by a District Judge in Wales that a man who masturbated with a Tricycle in a hotel room was guilty of sexual breach of the peace, another District Judge in Wales has found an Englishman guilty of the same offence for having sex with his wife in the privacy of his own hotel room.

Mr. Anthony Allen, 50, was celebrating his silver wedding anniversary with his wife, Yvonne, by driving up to Wales and spending a weekend by the Great Orme, Llandudno. However, Mr. Smith said that their stay at the Groes Inn Hotel was a nightmare.

"There wasn't anything on the menu that we fancied only a dish called “cawl and lobsgows” and the local residents played their harps, Pibgorn and Crwth into the night.

On the second day, we decided to have a lie-in, and got friendly. Despite a Do Not Disturb sign, the cleaners burst the door down, saw us in the act of love-making and made a citizen's arrest. They took no action against the woman next door whose sex toy kept us awake at night."

One of the cleaners justified the intrusion by saying that the Allen’s were still in their room at 6.30am rather than climbing a mountain or going fishing, like all their other residents.

Sexual breach of the peace is a peculiarly Welsh crime which means that if anyone catches you doing something sexual, you are guilty of a crime. Mr. Allen was given 2 years probation and put on the sex offenders' register for life, which means he loses his job as a Head Teacher.

"To add insult to injury", he lamented, "they confiscated my wife under the Proceeds of Crime Act."

Kent: When four women from Bromley sat down to document their experiences of first-time pregnancy and childbirth, their instinct was to be as blunt on paper as they were with each other.

However the diary record of their pregnancy experiences went missing 12 months ago, when Lindsay Adams had her laptop stolen from her car.

So imagine their shock when their names and all the details of their pregnancy experiences appeared published online.

Hilary Dickens, nurse and farmer's wife, now regrets comparing her nipples to chapel pegs, and commenting how sex smells and how her husband has stopped munching on her!

The practical "girl on top" details of her sex life make Andrea Simmons, a 32-year-old police officer, cringe the most. Although she also regrets asking the question -"Has anyone told you that you will resemble a baboon "down there" after giving birth?"

And as for Sarah Hope, the multilingual international jetsetter of the group, she can't even bring herself to talk about the mucus testing.

Unlike Dickens.

"Oh God, wasn't yours the mucus testing?" she says, joggling in her seat. "You're so embarrassed, aren't you? Because you were at the church toddler morning and you said to another mum, 'Would you like me to get you a piece of cake?' and she said, 'No thanks. I know what you do with your pants.'"

Dickens howls with laughter. Lindsay Adams, 38, (a scientist) grins. Hope mouths, "Vaginal Mucus."

London: 31-year-old former glamour model, television personality and businesswoman Katie Price revealed in an unusually candid portion of her new book "Rogue Woman" that she frequently masturbates.

"When my current man is out of town doing what ever he has to do", Price wrote “During those times I have found ample opportunity to explore the pleasures of my own body".

Ms Price stated that she sometimes feels conflicted between her insatiable desire to achieve orgasm and her Christian beliefs. "I think God will forgive me for this one guilty pleasure", she wrote.

Ms. Price claimed that she sometimes fantasizes about men of power such as Rupert Murdoch, Tony Blair, President Obama and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Some sources believe that Ms Price aKa Jordan came "out of the closet" with her masturbation habits simply to titillate and arouse men who find her attractive.

"I just think we should be honest with People", she said later. "Masturbation is normal and healthy. I will try to encourage my kids to masturbate instead of having sex but you know how kids are!"

London: Professor Christopher Sheasby O.B.E, Principal Director of Public Health for the United Kingdom has placed women between the ages of 25 to 49 years of age on the Departments endangered species list (ESL).

The DPH used the same logic that environmentalists used to get the Polar Bear placed on the ESL. While the population of women in this age category has increased to an all time high, the number of female births has dropped to approximately 50% as compared to male births.

As the baby boomers retire in the future there may be a dearth of fertile women, hence producing reduced numbers of female progeny.

The DPH has mandated that the identified group of women quit their jobs, become stay at home mums and begat more female children.

Gordon Brown’s Press Secretary commented that the prime minister is elated about creating all those new job openings!

United Kingdom: Bristol - Some male fish in parts of the River Seven are developing female characteristics, possibly because they're being exposed to birth control pills and hormone treatments that are seeping into U.K. waterways.

While the problem has been found in other parts of the country, the Southwest - especially the Seven River basin - had the highest rates of male fish with female characteristics, DEFRA researchers have found.

It was not clear why, but in Sharpness, a small community near Avonmouth, 10 of 11 Grayling examined were considered intersex, researchers found.

The findings come from the U.K. DEFRA Geological Survey in its first comprehensive examination of intersex fish in the United Kingdom. Sporadic discoveries of feminized fish have been reported for a few years.
Male fish with female characteristics can have more difficulty reproducing.

The geological survey looked at past data from nine river basins - covering about two-thirds of the country - and found that about 6 percent of the nearly 1,500 male fish had a bit of female in them. The study looked at 16 different species, with most not affected.

But the fish most feminized are two of the most sought-after freshwater sport fish - the Grayling and the Pike. Those two species were also the most examined, with nearly 500 Pike tallied.

"It's widespread," said DEFRA biologist Susan Ellen. She is the lead author of the study, published online this month in Freshwater Toxicology. She said 44 percent of the sites where Grayling were tested had at least one male with egg cells growing inside.

Past studies have linked the problem to endocrine-disrupting hormones, such as oestrogen from women's medicines. While the fish can still reproduce, studies have shown they don't reproduce as well, Ellen said.

Intersex fish are also seen as a general warning about what some experts see as a wider problem of endocrine disruptors in the environment. The egg cells growing in the male fish's gonads can only be seen with a microscope after the fish has been caught and dissected.

The study used data from 1999 to 2008, when the government stopped funding the research. The only river basin examined that didn't show any problems was Scotland’s Solway Tweed River Basin.

In parts of both the River Usk and River Taff in Wales, 70 percent of the Pike had female signs.

Ellen said Pike seem to be more prone to the problem, but researchers don't know why. She also found one Pike that was female with bits of male testes growing inside.

I'm a Celeb Get Me Out Of Here! contestant and all round useless bitch (who we'd never even heard of prior to this because we don't read the Daily Star, the Sport or waste our days viewing reality TV) complained that her boobs were cold during a jungle trial, forcing the 'B' list celeb to give in early doors.

Upon returning to camp she invited her fellow campers to cop a feel, in order to prove her somewhat ludicrous case.

They agreed that her Gummy Bear-Baps were indeed quite cold.

Commenting from a TV studio in London, Nicola McLean, the much respected ex-contestant and noted intellectual was quick to offer a nauseating vote of sympathy.

“It's hard when you have implants,' Nicola said. 'Because of the chemical composition of the silicone gel they're really hard to warm up. It's one of the inherent problems you get with them. This is the reason why most people with implants live in warm places, like the Med, or Florida, or California.

'I mean, you don't see many Inuit’s or Siberians with silicone baps.”

Faith Brown made a statement to the effect that she doesn't give a fuck either way because it was hardly something that would ever affect her.

We contacted David Van Day and he told us:

“Women with gummy bear breast implants are stupid!

Aren't they aware that those things can explode at high altitude? Like on planes and stuff?”

Strasbourg Reuters – The French have never been shy in putting themselves "First Amongst Equals", a recent self administered study indicates that French men measured up bigger than the rest of their European mates in stiff competition for Penile bragging rights!

The self administered study of 11,500 men conducted by an Austrian firm, The Institute of Latex Studies, put French penises at an average of 15.48 centimetres (6.09 inches), with the Turks finishing CLOSELY BEHIND , 3CM shorter.

However the remaining 25 member states of the EU claimed "foul", pointing out that the individual measurements were done on the "Honour" system, clearly giving the shifty French a huge advantage as ever since de Gaulle, they have been known to be willing "to stretch a point."

Meanwhile, around the globe indignation quickly mounted.

In Rotherham, England the man with "the World's largest penis", and his Public Relations spokesman, identified only by his initials, BWB, debunked the claims as being too miniscule to counter.

"They're not even in the same league with my man," BWB scoffed," if you go to a cock fight, don't bring a 6" ruler to a contest that requires a yard stick!"

The spokesman continued the challenge, "they can come over here and lay their meat on the table....I think you'll see they'll come up at least a foot short!"

Meanwhile President Obama, whilst visiting China seemed very bemused by the French claims. The allegedly well hung President delayed discussions about human rights, the economic crisis and North Korea.

President Obama immediately made plans for another European visit to discuss the matter. "These guys all talk allot, "he said, "but when their pants are down they never quite seem to measure up do they!"

In the UK, Parliamentary Secretary David Cruckshank’s said that PM, Gordon Brown, "was in a blind rage and couldn't see straight!"

Cherie Blair, wife of former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair said that her personal studies also indicated the results must be skewed to favour the French.

At the Hague in Holland, efforts were underway to introduce legislation banning international cock fights, and to focus on a measure to renovate the League of Nation's Building for £1.000.000 rather than waste it on food and much need healthcare for the starving.

London: — Reacting to a new report claiming young people in Norway are less likely to get pregnant or carry sexually transmitted diseases than their British counterparts, U.K. health officials today announced that Britain's teenagers should probably have sex with the Norwegians.

"If this study is correct, young people in Norway are much safer for our young people to have sex with," said Health Secretary Allan Pumpson. "Therefore, if you're going to have sex anyway, the U.K. government would like you to do it with a Norwegian person."

Pumpson added that officials in Norway were not asked their opinion on the new "Norge Sex is safe Sex" program. "They might have said no," he explained.

Across the United Kingdom, meanwhile, thousands of students were busily amending their virginity-till-marriage pledge cards, promising to remain chaste until they meet a citizen of Norway.

Discounted Student Fares to Norway are to be announced early January 2010 with the main sponsored route being the ferry from Harwich to Kristiansand and Oslo.

Worksop, Nottinghamshire: A lesbian ghost has been spooking the small town of Worksop and the locals in the area have created a group to hunt down the Spectre.

Josh Higginbottom the leader of the hunt group says the lesbian ghost has been terrifying women in Worksop for the last four months.

Diane Loxley the daughter of the local vicar said, "I was showering one night and the lesbian ghost floated into the shower and started touching me.' 'I screamed and slipped on some soap but I managed to run out of the shower to call my father."

There were other reports of women being harassed by the lesbian ghost as they used the bathroom. Nottinghamshire Police said they didn't have a legal solution for such occurrences and decided to leave it up to the town vigilantes to handle the situation.

Josh Higginbottom said, he led the group into the forest on Monday while using the local hunts dogs to track down the lesbian ghost. The dogs were given a piece of stale, stinky cod fish to sniff so they could pick up the scent of the lesbian ghost.

During the hunt for the lesbian ghost things went wrong and the expedition had to be cancelled.

Danny Higginbottom and Billy Higginbottom, not related to Josh Higginbottom, said they were the first ones to arrive on the scene when the dogs cornered off the lesbian ghost.

She was floating in mid air with her back turned to Danny, when he approached her with a large hunting knife and he plunged it into her throat.

Danny says, "I stabbed the dam thing as hard as I could but my knife went right through her, like nothing.’ 'The force was so great that my knife got logged into the tree she was floating next too."

Billy Higginbottom said the spectre vanished in mid air and then reappeared a few feet away from Danny. Billy says he took his shot gun and shot the lesbian ghost in the face. The head disappeared but then it materialized again and she let out a loud shriek that was horrifying before it floated backwards into the forest mist.

Billy Higginbottom says, "Man, I was so dam scared after seeing that lesbian ghost get the best of us.' 'I dropped my shot gun and took off running, yelling for Josh’s help.' 'Danny was just a few feet behind me running for his life.'"

Billy Higginbottom said he fixed the problem by calling "The UK Society for Paranormal Investigation."

SPI quickly understood the problem because of previous cases. They used a naked virgin on a horse to lead the lesbian ghost out of town. Then they put up a large cross smeared in menstrual blood to keep the spectre out of the town for good.

London:UK: Queen of Pop Madonna held a press conference this morning to announce a new product line that she will market to Christian Book Stores and Reading Rooms all across the United Kingdom.

"There is nothing in the bible about breast implants and there is nothing in the bible about personal gratification.

It is God's will that there be “Peace In The Valley” and that we not hide our bushel under a light. It is time to take our instruments of personal gratification out of the closet and into the light of day and into the light of night and under the light of our digital camcorders"

First catalogues of the new product line show many different types and varieties of the toys, among them:

“Parting The Seas”...a robust instrument that promises a breathtaking experience in several colours. Vibrations come in Slow, Fast and OMG.

The "least of these" model petite and in a velvet pouch will remind you of your first husband.

“Go Down Moses” product details yet to be announced. Promises a once in a lifetime experience.

“The Amazing Grace,” one for the men an anatomically perfect blow up female doll will grant your every wish suitable for multiple orgasmic experiences.

Ms. Ciccone also announced that she will be starting a national Christian book store tour in the near future where she will be signing 9" x 12" pictures of her vagina and speaking in tongues.

LA, California - The now brunette Gaelic rich girl Susan Boyle, has just announced that she has finally achieved her life-long dream.

She has just signed the papers and is now the full and complete owner of her very own nudist resort!

Ms. Boyle is thrilled at the fact that she will now be able to let her hair down and just walk around totally nude and not have to worry about any paparazzi clamouring to try and photograph her naked.

Boyle said that she first found out about The Flower of Scotland Nudist Resort while surfing the Internet looking for a recipe for chocolate chip, peppermint and avocado cookies.

She read that the owners of the nudist resort Sean and Kayla Bond were wanting to sell because Kayla had developed some extremely noticeable cellulite on her thighs and ass (butt) and Sean's wiener (dick) had begun to atrophy from too much sun.

The Bond's who have no health insurance, medical insurance, or dental insurance will take part of the money from the sale of the nudist resort and use it towards a cellulite (cottage cheese) removal surgery for Kayla and a peter (dong) transplant for Sean.

Meanwhile Susan is reportedly ecstatic at the purchase of her new "Toy." She was asked how much she paid for her nudist resort and she refused to say.

She was asked again and said that no one knew except for her, her business manager, her solicitor, Simon Cowell and Sean and Kayla Bond.

United Kingdom: According to a new study, young women speak more frequently and frankly about sex and sex-related subjects than men do.

But this isn't true. Men speak about sex and relationships all the time. It's just in code:

Three blokes from Ventnor, Isle of Wight: Stuart, Jimmy, and Lewis, are watching a rugby game on television at Stuart's house.

STUART: Hey, did you guys you catch that England game last night?
TRANSLATION: I didn't get any last night so I watched a football game.

LEWIS: Yeah, Brazil were awesome.
TRANSLATION: Same here.

JIMMY: The Brazilians are the team. I haven't missed a game all season.
TRANSLATION: Last night? Try six months.

LEWIS: Hey, change of subject: I finally did it. I bought an Audi Quattro TT.
TRANSLATION: I'm still compensating for the sexual dysfunction problem, and I need to talk about it.

JIMMY: You lucky bastard! What did your wife say?
TRANSLATION: That's tough. How's your wife dealing with it?

LEWIS: Actually, she loves the car. She's been driving it as much as I have.
TRANSLATION: She's as frustrated as I am.

JIMMY: Did you lease it?
TRANSLATION: You think it's temporary?

LEWIS: Yeah, but I have the option to buy.
TRANSLATION: Yes, but I'm worried I'll never get better.

STUART: Meanwhile, I just bought a minivan.
TRANSLATION: Hey, it could be worse. You could be castrated.

JIMMY: Man, you guys make me glad I'm still single.
TRANSLATION: It's a good thing I like masturbating.

LEWIS: Quiet guys. O’Driscoll is about to attempt a conversion, I hope he fucks up!
TRANSLATION: Does anybody else compensate for their sexual inadequacies by rooting for heroic, muscular men to fail?

JIMMY: O’Driscoll is the best, but that Aussie Elstrom he's a jerk.
TRANSLATION: Since I'm single and don't even have a girlfriend, I'm particularly threatened by his ilk. What's wrong with me?

STUART: Excuse me, but the best player on view today is Giteau.
TRANSLATION: Sorry to butt in, but I think I'm gay.

LEWIS: I thought Dave was coming here. He loves Rugby.
TRANSLATION: Speaking of which, where's Dave? Isn't he gay, too?

JIMMY: Dave's staying home. He says the new wife won't let him out.
TRANSLATION: Dave's staying home hoping to get some.

STUART: By the way, I can't go to the game on Saturday. It's our anniversary. Any ideas? I wanna try something new.
TRANSLATION: By the way, I can't go to the game Saturday. It's my annual chance to have sex.
Any ideas? Standing naked at the front door with two bottles of beer didn't work last year.

JIMMY: Just get her a card. Always works for me.
TRANSLATION: Don't look at me. I have problems maintaining relationships.

STUART: Well hell, maybe I'll take Katie dancing.
TRANSLATION: I'm so desperate it's pathetic.

LEWIS: Dancing? You are such a wuss.
TRANSLATION: There's a club on Fort Street, Sandown, which plays Latin music. I take Suzy there all the time. Very sensual.

Enter DAVE.

STUART: Hey Dave, you made it! Sheila let you out, huh?
TRANSLATION: Hey Dave, you made it! Should we assume that Sheila, like other women, doesn't understand or appreciate the interdependency of physical affection and emotional closeness?

DAVE: What’s up?
TRANSLATION: Hi. Have I missed any good boy-talk?

LEWIS: Not much.
TRANSLATION: Oh my God, well... Stuart is having intimacy issues that he's trying to resolve with Katie, Jimmy is having trouble maintaining relationships, and I'm still overcompensating for sexual dysfunction.

STUART: We were just talking about the England game last night.
TRANSLATION: We were also discussing the sex drought we're all going through.

LEWIS: And Brian O’Driscoll.
TRANSLATION: Oh right, and Stuart is gay.

DAVE: Last night? Let me tell you about last night. Sheila and I not only shared mutually satisfying orgasms, but true intimacy. She really concentrated on what she knew would please me, particularly on my nipples, which always gets me hot. It was incredible.

TRANSLATION: Damn, I missed the ENGLAND game. What happened?

United Kingdom: London — According to a Department of Health study, monogamists who are married to more than one spouse at a time have a significantly greater chance of becoming polygamists than those who remain married to only one person.

"The main factor in this is seems to be simultaneity," said David Niven, a Socio-Anthropologist who authored the DH report. "Those who have one spouse, divorce that spouse, and then take another, tend to remain monogamous.

However, those who retain one spouse and decide to marry again to have, in effect, two or more spouses have a much greater chance of becoming polygamists."

Niven said, he could not explain his findings, which were based on nearly 3,000 hours of research with a dictionary, although he theorized it could be related to diet, exercise, or perhaps even climate.

SEXUAL INTERCOURSE: United Kingdom – New Drug labelling laws will soon require that all U.K. Condom manufacturers use more accurate size labelling for their products.

British condoms presently come sized as Large, Larger, Huge, Horse and OMG. Small and Medium condoms never have been made, as manufacturers realized long ago that even if they DID make them, what self-respecting pin-dick would BUY them?

Beginning in January, 2010, however, there will be industry-standard sizing to which all UK and U.S. condom makers must adhere. The new sizes are: Small, Medium, Large, X-Large and If-You-Say-So-Pal.

Finally, a man who might not quite be of shall we say Linford Christie or porn-star proportions will be able to purchase his Smalls or Mediums with impunity.

In addition, the British Federation United Condom Council (BFUCC) has announced that certain pharmacies, in the more shadowy parts of towns and cities, will even carry Petites, for the discerning tiny-peened gentleman who, heretofore, had to wear Larges and hike them up to his armpits.

"This way, no man ever again has to go off half-cocked," said BFUCC Chief Exec T. Rowan Latex (D-Pa), head member of the government committee responsible for stiffening the existing labelling laws.

Norway: Oslo - At the Nordbar Institute, researchers have stumbled on an important link in helping men live longer. There have been connections made before, but doctors at the famed Institute have finally cemented all the pieces together.

Doctor Hans Myrklebust summed it up for reporters, "The secret to a long life is having a pet. We at the institute have been using a live specimen for all human testing. We have found that men who get a little pussy when it's real young, live much longer than those who don't."

The Institute has taken their message globally by hiring Britney Spears to be their spokesperson and to show off her own pussy during press conferences and to advance the message of the Institute that having a young pussy not only makes you more desirable, but it can be very rewarding too.

Men everywhere have heeded the words of Dr. Myrklebust, and have expanded their search for young pussies everywhere!

Great Britain: Cambridge — According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol.

Oh, and the report also found that women who have a few drinks each week are less likely to develop high blood pressure. The report, published in the Journal of Internal Medicine, studied drinking patterns and blood pressure among 70,000 nurses between the ages of 25 and 42.

Dr. Stuart Wicked, who headed the study for Cambridge School of Public Health, put the findings in perspective. "Alcohol, 70,000 nurses, and us," he said. "Is that cool or what?"

Wicked and his colleagues, Dr. Andy Smith and Dr. Alan Palava conceded their initial grant was to study salt consumption. However, upon reflection, the trio decided that adjusting the parameters would dramatically heighten their interest in the research.

Explained Palava: "What it came down to was, did we want to say, 'Here young lady, have some salt and let's see what happens,' or, 'Here young lady, have a drink and let's see what happens.'"
"We're scientists, but we're not dead," he added.

In fact, Smith theorized there would be much more interest in studying women's health issues if alcohol were involved. Reaction to his study seems to bear this out, as already, several leading universities say they will attempt to verify the group's findings.

At Oxford University College Hospital, epidemiologist Bruce Willis said his department is very interested in testing Wicked's conclusion that women who have more than 10 alcoholic drinks a week decrease their risk of developing high blood pressure by 30 percent.

But more importantly, he added, his staff is "totally stoked" by the concomitant finding that these same women were also, statistically speaking, a blast.

Wicked, however, insisted their most valuable conclusion was that researchers could do variations on this type of study for years.

"We could do how alcohol affects blood pressure among female flight attendants, or how alcohol affects blood pressure among female strippers. We are so golden."

Palava, meanwhile, said he is working on "the Holy Grail" for this area of study, a report on how drinking among young women affects drinking among young women. "We just have to figure out some statistically significant reason for doing it," he said.

Palava bristled, however, at the suggestion that researchers should also study the effect of alcohol on young men. "Jesus, we're not gay," he said.

London: Balham: – Addressing earlier accounts that one of his key ministers was engaging in intercourse with a stripper in a cemetery, Gordon Brown announced today that his office had successfully turned back an invasion of the undead.

“We got a tip last week that there was going to be an uprising, literally at a Balham-area cemetery on Halloween night,” said the PM. “I know it sounds far-fetched, but we made a decision that it was better to take the threat seriously and risk some mocking from the press than to ignore it and risk having our brains eaten by an army of zombies.”

The Prime Minister’s office is still assembling the full report, but in an effort to set the story straight, they released a preliminary report of their proactive actions to neutralize the zombie threat.

According to the report, the office immediately engaged in research on the subject including consulting Wikipedia and viewing dozens of zombie movies. Unfortunately, popular media only deals with the consequences of zombie reanimation, not preventative measures.

“We hit a roadblock in the research,” said Chief Inspector Tosh Hughes. “We could only get so far through the supposedly fictional accounts, we had to look harder for the answer and we were running out of time.

That’s when we realized out we had a voodoo high priestess right here in Balham, We took a blood oath of secrecy about what exactly she told us and swore not to reveal her identity all I can tell you is that she’s in the South-eastern corner of London and that she will no longer be paying any UK income taxes.”

The team came away from the meeting armed with a strategy and set about implementing it right away.
“It’s unfortunate what happened at Balham Cemetery on Halloween,” said Hughes, “but it wasn’t an isolated incident.

We had agents from my office at virtually every cemetery in Great Britain on Halloween Night. Each one with a stripper or prostitute, I can’t go into details of exactly what the agents were doing as the mission is ongoing through tonight and we can’t afford to compromise it.

I’m asking the citizens of Britain to please bear with us, and if you see something suspicious and/or hear loud squeals or moans coming from your local cemetery, please understand that we’re just doing our job and keeping the citizens safe. When you wake up on Sunday morning and your brain hasn’t been eaten, you’ll know we’ve succeeded.

Northern Ireland: Belfast - Bridgette O’Flaherty is looking for her bicycle.

The bike in question, a £1,000 Raleigh Express model, strangely vanished during the annual Lance Armstrong Melee at Belfast City Hall, in which over 11,000 bicycle enthusiasts participated in an effort to raise money for cat and dog birth control products.

O’Flaherty, age 36, is known worldwide as the Woman with “The World's Largest Vagina”, and has held that title with the Guinness Book of Records in London for almost three years.

According to several witnesses, O’Flaherty hit a bump on the course and her bike immediately vanished, spilling her onto the pavement. Luckily, her helmet and knee pads prevented serious injuries.

Belfast City Police has requested that the official Police Spelunking Team to investigate further if the bicycle doesn't turn up in the next few days.

Anyone having information concerning the missing bicycle is asked to call 0845-800-1212. A reward is being offered.

A Scottish woman of 28 yrs, Miss Morag Mc Doublechuff who has "two vaginas" appeared on the Jeremy Kyle show yesterday causing a sensation.

When asked to show her twin pussies it turned out to be a hoax, she was as normal as anyone else.

"Well what's the other hole then?"

She asked the show's resident gynaecologist Dr Piers Upham-Daily.

"Well, on close inspection I would say that is your anus dear lady, hadn't you noticed anything sort of normal coming out of it from time to time?"

"How could I, I'm not a contortionist, and anyway it spends most of its time singing to me. I get so bloody fed up I have to sit on it to muffle the sound. What would you do if your vagina kept singing "The Road to Hell" and selections from "The Sound of Music" day in day out?"

Dr Upham then asked,

"Well why where you under the impression it was another vagina?”

"Well it's Rab, my bloke you see, he told me it was and he proved it by putting his thing there, you know inside like. It worked just the same and he seemed to like it and he said that I could make a packet showing it off on the TV. And it shut it up for twenty minutes!"

Jeremy interjected,

"So you let him sodomize you unknowingly for how long?"

"Let him what? That's disgusting! I'd never let him do that, I'd catch buggeritis or Gomorrahaea or something."

Jeremy then shouted, "Hey are we going out live? Have we time to change the titles? Where's the lawyers? Will we get sued for not delivering two vaginas? How about madwoman's ass sings her lullabies?"

"Will I still get ma twenty grand?" said Morag,

Jeremy shouted, "Hey gal stand up, anyone got a frigin microphone? By the way you ain't related to that guy who said he had two cocks but turned up with two roosters are you? Or that one with two asses that turned out to be a couple o' frigin' mules?"

Great Britain- Kent: Phizzer Pharmaceuticals’ has pulled the plug on a 5-year research programme into the effects of Viagra on women after it appears that it makes no difference to their sexual satisfaction.

"We've spent a massive amount of money trying to prove that Viagra has some effect on women’s' sexual urges, even if it's only a weedy third orgasm," explained Phizzer Director of Clinical Research Miriam O'Shea. "Unfortunately it didn't work. Men love it, as you might expect, co’s it gives them 24 hours at a time of erective capability. Unfortunately every one of the women in our programme was partnered by a man with a tiny dick."

SANDRA (names have been changed to protect the under endowed) agrees. "We were part of this test - or at least he was. Viagra was supposed to give him prowess beyond the Dreams of Olwen, Tom Jones size and Brendan Foster stamina. But when your husband has a dick the size of a button mushroom, fully engorged, the satisfaction rating is zero. Less than frigging zero, I had more fun with the Dyson. In fact so did he!"

Miriam O'Shea said. "This is obviously a disappointment to us, since we had expected to be able to make millions on the back of wives' and lovers' delight in their partners' dongs. But are we downhearted? Not us. We are urgently investigating the potential of fruit.

Through our latest research, we believe that crossing a coconut with a banana to give a long curved thing with a hard skin and hair is the way to go."

My Son the Soldier
How great a man he must be
To be joined in the fight to
set another part of the world free.

My Son the Soldier
So very far away
We will all be waiting with open
arms on your coming home day.

Edinburgh-Scotland: Researchers at Edinburgh University following an exhaustive five year study by an international field of noted researchers and scientists, confirmed today that the pure act of sex was discovered to be the only real cure for the lack of sex.

Though many activities, dietary changes and drug substances were tested for their abilities to replace the satisfactory effects of sexual activity, none were found to provide the euphoric and calming effects normally experienced by ringing someone's bell.

Dr. Jock Mc Nutsakks from the Centre for Orgasmic Studies tells reporters, "We had hoped that a nice five kilometres run, or a piece of chocolate cake or even a little LSD in a glass of wine might replace sex's natural euphoric effects, but much to our disappointment, no." Commenting further, Nutsakks said, "Our test subjects were better off by rubbing one out in the privacy of our laboratory bathrooms."

Asked if the effects were similar between men and women, Nutsakks replied, "Frankly the women's bathroom floor was stickier than the men's. I'm guessing the relaxing and stress relieving effects work on the women just the same. Clearly though, one of our female test subjects was a frequent squirter."

The 4,670 page report is available online at the C.O.S. website, but nobody seems to make it past test subject video link.

"We fear that people just want to see our squirter in action, rather than read the results."

To see the video click the LINK BELOW:

Know more about Female Orgasm

Tehran: 11/11/09:07:10 Middle-Eastern time. A camel laden with battery powered hammer drills, fire extinguishers and electric chainsaws was impounded by US Officials as it tried to board a ship headed toward Italy.

US Defence Secretary, Robert Gates, said today "Okay, Okay, we must admit to our mistakes, in Iraq we only thought there were some Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) and that was good enough excuse for us to invade. Now our people are wiser, we now have all the evidence that is needed of the existence of WMD and therefore we now have their support. Now all we need is an ally. Great Britain is usually game, their support will give us an easy victory in Iran, why the war could be over well before Christmas!"

"The camel, looked suspicious from the outset. His eyes were too close together for starters; and then there was the matter of his 3 humps; he was photographed coming out of a mosque in Tehran with his handler who just turned out to be Zahin El Afterdinnerjab, the local Imam. Afterdinnerjab tried to explain that his name was Humphrey, for that very reason we could see straight through that one. Arabs don't tell jokes!" Gates added.

A CIA spokesperson was said to have said to have said to be rumoured to have said: "We have investigated the Imam who purchased the innocent looking tools from Sabre Rattling R Us, a DIY shop, and found that they do have a purpose.

The chainsaws are to cut up the wooden Rosary beads used by Catholics; the drills were used to puncture the golden chalices for the Communion wine and the fire extinguishers were to put out the fires on those incense burners that are waved around by priests. Furthermore, the camel and handler were headed for The Vatican City for next week. On Saturday, Mass will be held to celebrate the beginning of advent and so we can obviously see that these were weapons of MASS DESTRUCTION."

"If Britain won't help us (after all the help we gave THEM in WWII, Northern Ireland and the Falklands) then perhaps the Vatican city Guard may give us a hand?" he added.

The camel has experienced several months of trauma at a suspected terrorist training camp and once debriefed, will be cared for by Billy Smart's Circus currently on tour in Saudi Arabia.

An explosive DSS investigation has discovered no evidence to contradict claims that Speaker of the House John Bercow eats plump young children.

The investigation follows Bercow’s headline-grabbing allegations that billionaire philanthropist and pro-democracy activist George Soros had derived his wealth from international drug dealings. According to Bercow, these claims were proved solely by a damning lack of evidence to the contrary.

Rumours regarding the Speaker's love of beefy children - the sort raised on junk food, television, and no exercise - have run rampant since he became Speaker. But these rumours grew louder recently because no one was able to remember having seen Bercow turn down a platter of scrumptious roasted kid.

"I've never seen the man turn down anything on a platter," admits a Labour colleague Richard Angell
Given such convincing testimony, it's not a stretch to image the Speaker of the House relaxing in his office with a heaping plate of chubby, yet tender, child as its juices drip down his chin.

Our investigation further revealed that children have been seen arriving at the Bercow’s house. Arriving, but not departing.

According to Sally Devine, a political junkie who enjoys photographing the homes of House members, "Yes, there were children going into the house - they were with adults though." But when pressed, Sally admits that she never saw these children leave. "No I never saw them come out of the house."

This despite the fact that she sat at the roadside for nearly four minutes.

For a Friend.

Life isn't always funny is it
My emotions are bottled up inside me
No one can feel, no one can see
No one can comprehend
How I feel, who I am
How much I'm hurting, crying out for someone

I need Someone to talk to
Someone to tell me what to do
Someone to tell me who I am, who I'll be
Someone to hug me, embrace me, love me
Someone to hug me tight
Someone to make it alright

Why am I hurting?
Did something go wrong?
Why do I want to cry?
Why do I want to die?
I didn’t lose a loved one,

My parents didn’t divorce
I didn’t get beaten or abused
Man, I'm so confused
I have family, friends, cats, dogs,
Even God, Lord of all,

Nothing happened that would make me this way
I have everything, I should be okay
Please, give me someone

Make it alright, make it okay,
(Help me, help me) ease this pain away
Where is the hope I used to see?
Where is that person I used to be?

I've been offered a gift, a gift of death
A gift that will take away my last breath
(help me, help me) take this gift away
Don’t let me take it
I want to make it

(please, please) hug me, embrace me, hold me tight,
(please, please) make it be alright
Don’t let me slip into the night ........I want to be able to laugh again
Life isn't always funny is it?

Terry Thomas, an unemployed milkman from Tonbridge, Kent, who dialled a Phone Sex line by mistake while attempting to call the Samaritans suicide helpline, made headlines today after his attempt to kill himself didn’t quite go as planned.

The recorded transcript tells the full story.

Woman (sexily): "Hello."
Terry: "Hi. Is this the Samaritans?"

Woman (even more sexily): "I can be whatever you want for £3.99 a minute, love."
Terry: "Wh-What? You charge now? Not that it matters, as I'm not going to be around to pay the bill. What’s your name?
Woman: "Jackie…the Samaritan, the sexy Samaritan. What’s your name, gorgeous?

Terry: "Terry—with two 'r's.' Not that they'll spell it right on my tombstone.
Jackie: "I'm a double A, Terry."
Terry: "What?"

Jackie (giggling): "34 Double-A—my bra size. It sounds like you need some cheering up, Terry."
Terry: "Actually I called to ask what would be the quickest way to top myself."
Jackie: Top yourself? You’ve got it all wrong, Baby. "You have to top another person. Otherwise the bits don’t all line up. Would you like to top me?"

Terry: "I don’t even know you. Why would I top you?"
Jackie: Because I’m hot and sexy with long, blonde hair and a lovely, firm bottom just waiting for your throbbing manhood to explore the deep caverns of my perfectly toned body?"
Terry (sceptically): "Are you sure you’re a Samaritan?"

Jackie (sultrily): In the flesh, Terry. Deeply tanned soft flesh that I wanna rub against you."
Terry: "Well, you’re going to have to pull my head out of the oven first. No wait, that won’t work. It’s electric."
Jackie: "You don’t need to crawl in an oven to be hot, Terry. You’re so hot, it burns my fingers to touch you."

Terry: "I have some rope in the garage. I suppose I could toss it over the beam in the kitchen.
Jackie: "Rope? Oh, you’re a kinky one. Who’re you planning to use the rope on?"

Terry: Myself, you filthy slut. What sort of a question is that?"
Jackie: "Y'know what I’d like to do with that rope? I’d like to strip you naked and tie you up to the headboard of your bed. Then I’d run my hot, wet tongue all over your quivering flesh, an inch at a time, until you couldn’t stand it any longer and begged me for mercy."

Terry: "Beg for mercy? Tried it. No one's listening."
Jackie: "Then I’d slowly take off your trousers, slide your pants down your legs and cup your bum in my hands while I softly blow on your engorged cock.

Terry: "Cock? Yes, good idea. A gun’s the way to go. Why didn’t I think of that? Forget the rope."
Jackie (patiently): "All right then. No rope. I’ve always loved men who know how to handle a weapon. "Ya know why? They’re almost always loaded and capable of going off at any moment. What colour is it?
Terry: "Silver. It’s a 44 magnum."

Jackie (moaning): "Oh, a 44. A really big gun, with a thick barrel. Just thinking about it has made me so wet I just slipped off my knickers. Do you mind if I take off my top, Terry?"

Terry: "I don’t care if you can play tunes on your nipples, Jackie."
Jackie (giggling sexily): "Oh Terry, when I laugh, my girly juices drip onto the sofa. Can I stroke your weapon, darling? Can you imagine me doing that?

Terry (hesitantly): Well—so long as you don’t pull the trigger. I only have the one bullet."
Jackie: Oh, it’s so hard, Terry! And so big! Surely you can think of better things to do with it than killing yourself. Here, look how it fits so perfectly between my beautifully tanned thighs..."
Terry: "What? Stop that!"

Jackie (breathing heavy): "Too late. My love juices are all over it, Terry."

Terry: "You’re gonna jam the bloody thing."
Jackie (moaning louder): "Oh, it feels so good, Terry. Especially when it thrusts deep inside me, twisting and turning. Oh God, I think it just found my G Spot."

Terry: Stop that! Enough with the gun already! I just remembered, the cleaner comes tomorrow. I don’t want to make a mess."

Jackie: "A mess? Don’t you have any tissues?"

Terry: "I used them all up crying after the missus left me. I’m putting down the gun now."
Jackie (a bit dejected): "Are you sure? Maybe you have a knife, then? A large butcher's knife with a really big, knobbly handle. That’d be kinky, wouldn’t it? You could do me up the bum with the blunt end, if you fancy that."

Terry: "Hmm, it's nice of you to offer but I think I’ll pass. I mean, if I wasn’t about to kill myself, I’d probably take you up on that."
Jackie: Don’t worry, I won’t take it personally. Tell me darling, have you considered pills?
Terry: "Sleeping pills?"

Jackie: No, silly. Those little blue ones that make your willy hard. Don’t take the whole bottle, though. One’ll do just fine."
Terry: "Do what?"

Jackie (excited): "Mmm...see—it’s working already. Look at little Terry grow!"
Terry: "I’m sorry but he died years ago."
Jackie: "Then it's a miracle—look, I’m raising the dead!
Terry: Well okay, I do have a bit of a stiffy."

Jackie (laughing almost hysterically): "A bit of a stiffy? That’s like calling the Titanic a tug boat!"
Terry: (shy and embarrassed): "You really think so?"
Jackie: "Oh yeah. I’ve always wanted to sail the high seas. (Giggling) What if I grab your rudder and steer your big boat deep into my wet, dark harbour. How’s that sound, Terry?
Terry: "Well, ahoy shipmate!

Jackie (beginning to moan again): "Aye aye, Cap'n. You’re cruising through me like no other...a slow and steady forward motion as we both rock in time with the waves around us."
Terry: "Bugger! Now you’ve got me wanking when I should be topping myself."

Jackie: "That’s okay, Cap'n. I’ll make you walk the plank when we’re done."
Terry (with quick breaths): "On with it then, you salty slut!"
Jackie (low and urgent): "Your slow and steady forward motion turns into a quick slapping of waves against the sides of your long, hard ship. Faster now, our boat rocks on the high seas until we’re both so close, so close, Terry. Are you close?"

Terry (stuttering): "I’m cl… very clo…
Jackie (rushed): "Permission to come on board, sir!"
Terry (grunting): Permission granted, mistress." (More grunting)
Jackie (moaning loud and long) "Ohhhhh. Oh, Terry...Oh Baby!
Terry: "Jackie!"

(several moments of silence, followed by the lighting of cigarettes)

Jackie (sighing): How do you feel now, Terry? Still blue like the sea? Don’t you feel better, Baby?"
Terry: "I can die a happy man."

Jackie (chuckling): "Okay then, that's 14 minutes of Phone Sex at £3.99 a minute, your total comes to £55.86, plus VAT."

(metallic click followed by a muffled gunshot)

Jackie: "Terry?"

(silence)

Jackie: "Terry? Captain, are you there?"
Terry: "Damn thing jammed and then went off when I dropped it. Do you take Visa?"

Jackie: "That'll do nicely, darling."

A two year study conducted by Scientists in Denmark has discovered the reason why many elderly women smell of urine.

The men behind the medical breakthrough, Dr. H.Grettel and his colleague Professor Johann Poop spent 12 months filming thousands of old ladies via a secret camera in Copenhagen's city centre public lavatories.

According to Dr.Grettel, "the results were extraordinary. We noticed that due to their age and infirmity, older ladies take longer to remove their undergarments thus increasing the probability of urine leaking into the gusset. With several lavatory visits per day, there is bound to be a build-up of moisture and the smell will only get worse."

Professor Poop had more revelations: "With some of the eldest ladies it was clear they'd had difficulty controlling their 'numbers twos' as well. Frankly, the state of their underwear was appalling. No wonder they live alone."

Caernarfon in Gwynedd North Wales: A drunken prank went too far last night when cat owner Ruby Merrell, sick of her boyfriends pestering decided to shave her pussy, right their and then in front of all his friends.

In the middle of a drunken party at her house Ruby jumped up and shouted "If you want a bald pussy, then I'll f***ing give you one!" She started shaving there and then.

"I was shocked," one friend said "Ruby grabbed her pussy and just started shaving, she left a few tasteful bits of fluff, but we ended up with an almost entirely bald cat."

Chancellor Angela Merkel — reunited Germany's first leader to grow up in the communist east started the day with President Horst Koehler and other leaders at a prayer service at a former East Berlin church that was a rallying point for opposition activists in 1989.

Buoyed by the celebrations Chancellor Merkel said.

"What we now need is a strong nation to take the lead in a Single European Unification process," said Merkel. "And, as Europe's leading economy, I believe that nation should be Germany."

When asked what would be the nature of Germany's role in such a federal Europe, Chancellor Merkel said: "Of course, such widespread unification will take some time. My thoughts are that first the smaller, Nordic nations of Sweden, Finland, and Norway might release their independent status and become part of the German nation, or perhaps Reich might be a better term for it. Then, we shall invade Poland. Ah, but did I say invade? Of course, I meant include Poland - forgive me my English is letting me down sometimes."

But, in mentioning England, Merkel's eyes narrowed and her tone grew more menacing. "And then it will be your turn, Tommy," she growled. "Only this time you will not stop us with your stiff upper lips and your Vera Lynn with her British spunk all spouting and spurting."

Chancellor Merkel’s proposals have not been met with universal approval. French Premier Nicolas Sarkozy has called upon other European states to boycott such far-reaching unification.

"Already we have men onioned-up and on bicycles ready to whisk away secret agents to safe houses. Here they are sure to fall in love with dainty, French Resistance women who will be shot amid poignant music just as they are about to escape back to Blighty."

Italy has already surrendered just in case. Russia has asked for more time so it can see who is winning before picking a side.

Chancellor Merkel was quick to pour scorn on such concerns.

"It is nonsense to think we Germans have not learned from our past," she said, practising her goose-stepping. "We are nice people, now, and you will like us having complete control over your lives."

Gordon Brown was busy kissing American bottoms and so was unavailable to comment.

BBC London UK- In an extremely rare interview to be shown later this week on BBC2, Cat Stevens now known as Yusuf Islam, talked frankly about his past, his present, his future and his faith.

During the late 60’s and 70’s, Cat Stevens was a highly successful singer/songwriter who penned such radio-friendly hits like "Wild World," "Oh! Very Young," and "Peace Train." His albums Tea for the Tillerman and Teaser and the Firecat were both certified as Triple Platinum by the RIAA in the United States; his album Catch Bull at Four, sold half a million copies in the first two weeks of release alone.

But then, at the very pinnacle of his career he shocked his fans by announcing that he had converted to the Islamic faith, changed his name to Yusuf Islam, and would be giving up the music business entirely.

Over the last three decades, Stevens has become an elusive and private figure, however he did sing a duet with Boyzone's Ronan Keating back in December 2008. When they re-released their version of Yusuf’s hit song “Father and Son.” All this said, he rarely gives interviews and tries his best to stay out of the public eye.

"I'm sure there are many people who just don't understand the choice that I made," says Yusuf in the interview. "I'm perfectly fine with that. I could never expect everyone to understand why I did what I did."

Perhaps most surprising, however, was the reason Yusuf gave as to why he made the decision to join the Islamic faith.

"People have always speculated as to my motive for becoming a Muslim. Most people think it's because I believe strongly in the faith, or because I thought it would be the best way to stay off of the radar. None of that is true. My real reason for doing this was simply that I wanted to get amongst the seventy-seven virgins when I die."

Yusuf Islam goes on to say that he has always had a thing for virgins and that is probably the one thing he misses about the fame of the of music business.

"Listen man I was getting laid almost every night back in the early seventies and most of the girls were virgins. Some were fifteen or sixteen. Those were the days," says Islam.

"Unfortunately, it gets to a point where you get so incredibly old and suddenly you just can't shack up with virgins anymore. So I found myself in a crisis. Really, becoming a Muslim was the only choice for me."

A Liverpool man who claims he has been "inside the Queen" has been speaking exclusively to The Dead Synapses Society.

Harry Whatt, of Walton Road, Liverpool explained that he has been a blood donor since 1982 and that his blood is “Blue AB” and he has given over 1500 pints of blood. "It's almost certain that some of my blood has coursed around the royal veins like a fox being chased by a corgi" he said this morning.

Mr Whatt, 39, continued "I'm sure her Majesty will be feeling very lively now with my tomato sauce in her spaghetti.

I lead a very active life, walking to the Blood Donor Clinic, walking back from the Blood Donor Clinic".

"I'm sure the Queen often feels the effects of my claret. Daresay she'll at this very moment be craving a bowl of Scouse, a Beer" and possibly a trip to Goodison Park, he added.

In what has turned out to be quite a shocking story, Siamese twin sisters Alecia and Gabrio Chinzano are to split up over an apparent illicit affair.

Alecia Chinzano had been seeing boyfriend, Tom for about 5 weeks, when one day she looked over her shoulder and saw him 'getting off' with her twin sister Gabrio.

"There they were going at in hammer and tongue. Well, not so much hammer, really.

But right behind my back. I was gutted" said Alecia in a recent interview in NUTs Magazine.

The man involved, Tomas O’Brien said: "It was an honest mistake. I mean, they are twins. There's not much different between them. Except that Gabrio usually has a hammer in her hand."

Life is said to continue in its usual fashion.

Approximately 200 people spotted a flying pig over Scarborough yesterday. The event occurred at around 13:30hrs and said pig continued to soar about for approximately thirty minutes, much to the amazement of the crowd that gathered in awe.

Credit, or blame as some may say, has been given to Charles A. Vacanti, MD, a renowned anesthesiologist and a pioneer in the field of tissue engineering research, Chairman of the Department of Anesthesiology, Periopoerative and Pain Medicine.

Professor Charles Vacanti became famous when he successfully implanted an engineered human ear on the back of a mouse in 1995.

When asked about the event Professor Vacanti said "Although it is true that we are now concentrating our efforts on implanting engineered wings on a pig, none of our tests so far have been successful.

A specimen did escape yesterday, but I assure you that the event witnessed by people was nothing more than a ball that somebody had thrown very hard, and was filled with helium, and was painted to look like a pig, and had robotic parts installed to give it realistic pig-style movements, and had a tape recorder inside it which was emitting the oink noises, and mechanisms to make it poop on people's heads, and something inside it that gave off the pig smell."

The spotting is now being followed by multiple reports of flying apes, aardvarks, and armadillos. Dr. Vacanti is laughing off these further sights as nothing to do with his research, and is quoted as saying "Elephants with wings? And pigs might fly!"

Embarrassed- fifteen-year-old, Katie Price, was spotted making a call from a public phone booth yesterday evening.

"Look my mobile just freaked out on me, honest it did!" she pleaded to passers-by as they gave her knowing looks. "I had no choice," she said when DSS went round to her house to investigate. "I just had to get in touch with Rebecca!"

But when the shame faced teenager finally managed to speak to her best friend on the public telephone, bad things happened. "She couldn't understand a word I was saying, she's so used to txt messages that normal phone speak was way beyond her."

Worse still, the two have fallen out over the unfortunate incident.

"Rebecca feels too embarrassed to be Katie's friend," said Rebecca's new best friend, Jennifer Nipple. "In fact, she's not texting to her anymore."

Prophecies made by Nostradamus, uncovered for the first time since the 16th century, state that Uri Gellar is actually set to rise to prominence in the world of astrophysics, and become one of the most under-estimated minds in modern history.

According to the discovered prophecies by Nostradamus "The loon who bends the spoon, Will teach us all about the Moon and associated universe". The normally loose interpretations associated with the soothsayer's prophecies are not even required in these previously unseen writings. Gellar, whose hobbies include inflating his own ego, is delighted to finally be getting the recognition he deserves.

Pope Benedict XVI released the writings after over five hundred years of the Vatican concealing them. Catholic bigwigs hid them away in the 1500s because they feared that people would start a "God is Pants" campaign as a result. However, when the Pope (a big fan of Gellar's antics) saw the documents in the back of the naughty cupboard in his office, he decided to release them to the general public.

Descendants of the French monk are set to make a fortune from royalties now these predictions are uncovered. It is set to propel Nostradamus from the unprofitable geeky teenager market, to the big bucks of the mass-marketised, media-manipulated middle-classes.

Once upon a time and not that long ago, the UK just had to worry about its raging drug problem. Now, there is a new social plague hitting our streets, and it is people who deal and take illness purely for recreational purposes.

What seems to have initiated this social catastrophe is said to be when school Head Teachers started to encourage school attendance by allowing free drug use.

Having the Head say "it's cool to deal in school" ended the fun aspect of drugs for kids, and so they looked for a new, more socially unacceptable way to waste their young lives.

The conditions for recreational illness to catch on were now in place. Already big in south-east Asia, youngsters there got addicted as young as 12, by injecting themselves with poultry flu. The dealers soon found that it was possible to take advantage of the untapped UK market. Batches of the Flu and Hypothermia arrived here from Thailand it is believed by smugglers, hiding diseases from customs in their comedy-oversized designer sunglasses.

Illness use among the young population of the UK is growing rapidly. It is estimated that "clubbers" aged 18-25 are most at risk, especially from evil dealers in Swine Flu and AIDS.

But unfortunately once addicted to AIDS, there is no chance of survival. Police have tried to arrest the dealers, or the "HIV Positives" as they are known on the street, but have found it difficult to identify them.

MPs have been quick to criticise a growing "Illness Culture" that attracts young people. The success of the film "Paramedic Spotting" worries them the most. The film presents a journey through the eyes of people confused between the reality of their tumours, and the illusion of their cancer-induced hallucinations. A later film, "Human Public Transport", was pretty much the same idea, but involved "townie" characters, who revelled in the trendy illness Whooping Cough and Rickets’.

Some people believe that the best way to cure the illness problem is by adopting a "zero-tolerance" attitude. This will involve lessons in schools on the evils of illness (the sneezing, the rashes, the coughing and death, etc), as well as arresting everyone caught with an illness. Those caught with H1N1 will be whisked away into long term quarantine, whilst those with AIDS will be given tough life sentences. Supporters say that due to the short life span of these degenerates, they won't overcrowd prisons for too long.

On the other hand, some people think that some "soft" illnesses should be decriminalised, so that police can focus their resources on the "hard" illnesses of Cancer, AIDS and Hepatitis B. They also state that some soft illnesses are no more dangerous than legal illnesses such as hypochondria and gangrene.

This libertarian approach will be very controversial law, though, and will probably never ever ever ever happen.

The Masked Raider of Swansea, known locally as “The Masked Raider of Swansea” and nationally as “The Masked Raider of Swansea” yesterday spoke out against people who tease ants by laying a trail of lemon curd from their nest to a flaming pit of tar.

"It's just awful," said the Masked Raider. "It should be stopped."

I was convinced and if you are too, please write to -

Stop Ants Falling Into Flaming Pits Of Tar By NOT Laying False Trails Of Lemon Curd
Formica House
P.O.Box 212
London
SW3 898

A study conducted here in the UK by professional scientists who wish to remain anonymous due to the controversial nature of their findings, discovered that many features of the American flag were Satanical in nature.

The Stars and Stripes all American flag, which has been gazed lovingly upon by many a patriotic American, is in fact a very complex pattern incorporating more Satanic symbols than the T-shirts worn by six hundred and sixty-six crazed Ozzy Osbourne fans prancing gleefully into the deepest annuls of hell.

Let us begin with the stars found in the upper left hand corner of the flag. These are not innocent four-pointed stars such as the one seen above Jesus in the manger, or holy six-pointed stars of David. No. They are five-pointed stars of the sort used only by Lucifer and his evil cohorts.

They are white upon a blue background truly chaste-seeming to the average observer. But if one looks more closely, one may realize that the complimentary colour of blue is orange, and the opposite of white is black. Black and Orange the colours of the most Satanic Celebration ever conceived: Halloween!

Not one, not two, but fifty of these monstrosities are to be found on the American flag.

Let us next consider the stripes which cover the rest of the cloth the Americans unknowingly allow to represent their country.

There are thirteen of them. Thirteen! The number so unlucky that many successful hotel chains number floors one through to twelve, then spontaneously skip to fourteen.

But the number goes beyond such a petty amount of bad luck as the number thirteen. If one were to multiply it by the number of stars (fifty), then add the number of white stripes (six), add to that the three branches of the American Government, then the number of red stripes (seven), one would end up with an even more interesting number.

13x50+6+3+7= 666

Suddenly this bit of cloth's cult-like following doesn't seem so angelic, now does it?

Whitehall – London: In a press conference today arranged at the UK Ministry of Defence, Brigadier General Sir Spencer Cameron confirmed growing speculation that Prince Harry (third in line to the British and Commonwealth throne) is to become Regimental Commander of 22 SAS Regt.

He added: - "The prince has already had extensive training in the art of tactical combat despite his young demeanour and oddly ginger hair (which initially was thought of as a tactical disadvantage especially in covert night time operations)."

He continued "Harry has proven himself in action already against the Taliban in Afghanistan, outside a few night clubs in London’s West End with the press. After all staring down the lens of a camera is not that different to a barrel of a gun". "He even disarmed a photographer".

Harry has a real military pedigree", he continued "After all his father was a Major ” errrr I mean his grandfather, father and his uncle have all seen service errrrrrr in the armed forces."

Comment came later from SAS veteran and best selling author Andy McNab.

He is quoted as saying:-

"I really don't think that this is such a great idea - like" "for a start he will have nay respect like from tha' lads."

NORTH POLE (Bloomberg Report)-Prohibitive production problems and local labour loopholes have forced Old Nic’s little helpers to seek alternative budgetary strategies or else cease global toy distribution operations altogether.

"If it's not one thing, it's something else," a harried Santa exclaimed in a hasty walking interview through the frigid fun factory. And that's no overstatement. Kris Kringle has been ambushed from all sides; a plight outsiders say could have been avoided with a little common business sense.

Situated literally in the middle of nowhere, Santa's workshop presents a unique challenge to delivery services. Until recently, get-it-there giants have garnered free advertisement from annual contracts to transport raw materials transformed into trillions of toys by the minuscule minions of the Man of Mirth. But the latest negotiations have put the kiddie caterer into a virtual strangle hold. "Toys don't grow on trees, you know," Mrs. Claus sighed in frustration.

Making things worse, the elves themselves have thrown the entire enterprise into a state of turmoil. Factions on both sides of the polar production plant are at odds, putting the December delivery date in jeopardy. The Northernmost Occupational Elfin League (NOEL) strongly opposes efforts of the Yokel Union of Labouring Elves (YULE) to organize the occupational oversight of the wee wilderness workers.

Though they've worked blissfully for decades without outside interference, the aging arctic aggregate have become concerned about Santa's ability to provide for their elderly care.

Millions of additional Christmas lists have also put a substantial strain on selecting and sending toys to the world's children. Though they don't involve themselves in the religious activities surrounding Christmas, those who espouse Ramadan, Chanukah, and Kwanza have come out' to appreciate the commercial appeal of Christmas.

So, now it's not just the Christians Santa must satisfy, but the other kids in the neighbourhood as well. This has added considerably to both the volume on the sleigh and the number of miles the reindeer must traverse, not to mention the extra chimneys Santa must climb down and back up again.

Contracts are in the works with manufacturers in Mainland China, Sri Lanka, Korea, Indonesia and Mexico to offset Santa's workshop woes.
Once finalized, toys will be fabricated at selected geographic sites, allowing Santa to make numerous pick-ups at the strategically located distribution points and deliver from the regional centres, thereby eliminating exorbitant centralized North Pole pre-delivery costs and lessening the total weight load of the sleigh at any given time.

So, yes, kiddies, Santa is on track for a record-setting toy trek this year, so don't despair. But parents beware!

If all else fails, Santa has one last trick up his red velvet sleeve: he may soon begin demanding prepayment for what is hoped will end up under the Christmas tree.

Swansea: South Wales: - In what appears to be life's greatest irony, Broderick Griffiths, a 33 years old lifeguard who dedicated his whole life to save others, was found dead by his wife Gwaeddan in their own bathtub.

"I told him to take a shower; he always fell asleep in the tub." Sobbed Gwaeddan.

And just when she thought things couldn't get any worse, the forensic team found a rubber duck inside Broderick’s throat.

"In all my years as a forensic scientist, I have never seen anything like this" declared one of the investigators.

But this is no isolated incident; two years ago a dog trainer was eaten alive by her own dogs, 2 Yorkshire Terriers.

All of these events teach us a valuable lesson; don't flip the coin too hard because it may never return to your hand.

The Most Reverend and Right Honourable Dr. Rowan Williams is the 104th Archbishop of Canterbury. This morning speaking at the General Synod Meeting being held at the Memorial Hall, St Peter's College, Hackney Road, London.

Dr Williams said "It is time," he said, "and I feel it is right that religious worship return to its beginnings. Consequently, the Church of England will be instituting blood sacrifice during Sunday Morning Services.

Blood sacrifice was common place in Hebrew worship during Biblical times. It is symbolic of the sacrifice of God in providing a Saviour for a broken world. "Christ's sacrifice was all about the spilling of innocent blood. This reinstitution of an old practice will focus people’s minds on the horror of the crucifixion and recommit them to Christ every week." said the Archbishop.

The Sunday Service Sacrifice will involve the priest holding up a virgin lamb before the congregation and the congregation chanting, "Hear Our Prayers, Hear Our Prayers” At which point the priest will take out a knife and plunge it through the lambs heart, spilling the blood upon the alter of the church.

RSPCA Chief Inspector Nicky Ramsey was outraged and announced that the society was launching a £10 billion pound law suit against the Church of England and the Most Reverend Dr. Williams. "This is brutal murder," she crowed. "I'll tell you that this has more to do with the Williams family lamb farm falling on hard times than actual religious practice."

When we questioned the Archbishop about the financial situation at his brothers, Pete Williams Baby Lamb Farm, the Archbishop recoiled, exclaiming: "You are all piranhas. This is about Church and nothing else. Leave me be or you'll all be judged by God!" He slammed his door and has refused to answer his door since.

The new practice of blood sacrifice is scheduled to begin in January 2010.

London Mayor Boris Johnson today announced that the British Olympic Committee for 2012 have introduced Projectile Vomiting as an Olympic event.

"It makes perfect sense" said Boris "there's plenty of raw talent out there and the event could be accommodated into our games very easily as it would be a field event very little reorganisation would be needed".

The Mayor did admit however that they would probably have to invest heavily in plastic sheeting and cleaning products but said that he was sure an advertising deal could be made to lessen the impact of this.

The Mayor went on to say that the new event would provide substantial sponsorship to talented individuals, British record holder "Jaffa" Doughty is already pencilled in as our best hope and is keen to finally get the chance to show what she can do.

"A mixture of alchopops, chicken soup and goat's cheese does it for me every time" says Doughty who holds the British record at 23 feet, "but given the time and facilities I'm sure I could do better".

Home Secretary Alan Johnson says Prof David Nutt went against a "long established" government principle by telling the truth.

Two members of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs have resigned in protest at the sacking.

Prof Nutt has said he doubts any "true" scientist could work for Mr Johnson.

He was sacked last Friday shortly after using a lecture to say that cannabis was less harmful than alcohol and tobacco, and saying it was upgraded to Class B - against the council's advice - for political reasons.

Mr Johnson says Prof Nutt was asked to resign "because he cannot be both a government adviser and a campaigner for truth and justice, as it goes against government policy".

He said the professor's widely quoted comment about horse riding being more dangerous than ecstasy was "stating the obvious rather than a scientific point".

DSS Comment:

A top scientific expert in their field giving information that disagrees with the government’s official stance?
Who then gets sacked as a result?

Who would have thought it?

I was expecting Prof Nutt to be found in a car park in his slippers and a dressing gown having committed suicide by shooting himself in the back with a shot gun from no less than 12 feet away.

Sacking seems quite lenient judging by many of the world's 'democratic' governments of the past 50 years or so!

One time international terrorist and all-round bad boy, "Ossybin" has now fully integrated with Worcestershire Society by joining the regional Masonic Lodge.

"He will be a great asset", enthused Elder Mason Jasper Carrot, "the stories he can tell! It beats the one about me mole shooting! And it's one-in-the-eye for those snobby East Midland buggers".

Pringle sweater loving "Ossybin", garment and toy gun importer has been a stalwart of the local golf club since moving to Vipers Mount about four years ago. "Pakistan was just sooo cold, and not a decent coffee shop for miles" he joked in a recent chat on "BBC Midlands Today"

Questioned about his past, he continued, "That was like sooo yesterday, now I just want my luvely privet hedge, a ride on me mower and an occasional day out with the lads at Edgbaston for the cricket".

Afghanistan’s Unpopular b*stard, puppet-President Hamid Karzai, has taken another drastic step in his clampdown on any form of criticism of his regime by shutting down all internet cafe's which provide access to The Dead Synapses Society.

"Culturally, this satirical spoof site has been the cause of much disturbance and heartache for our beautiful country", ranted Karzi today at a press conference in Kabul prison where all the journalists are being held, "I have asked my wonderful new judges to rule in favour of this proposal and it will become law.................................................(looks at his pocket-watch).................................now".

"That bloody DSS lot are always mocking me and my little purple and green striped robes. So what if I want to look nice or dress like my little friend Robert Gabriel Karigamombe Mugabe? It's a free country, man in it."

"The DSS does nothing but bitch and whine about people. B*stards! How can we have stable government if we have free elections? Any ol' wacko could stand for office. They don't appreciate how much I've done for myself..ahem, (cough) I mean our country.

The people like being beaten by the police with big pointy sticks. Look at their innocent faces smiling. They like it. We're all quite kinky really. Beatings are Afghan turn-ons. Honest."

In response, The Dead Synapses Society Editor in Chief Sir John Cornish has encouraged his writer monkeys to travel to Afghanistan and journey throughout the country, spreading spoof stories to the populace.

"My fellow spoofers, I call upon you to continue the fight for truth, justice and the bullsh*t way. We must depose this tyrant ruler. Go forth and multiply and spread the word of my blog site".