An explosive DSS investigation has discovered no evidence to contradict claims that Speaker of the House John Bercow eats plump young children.
The investigation follows Bercow’s headline-grabbing allegations that billionaire philanthropist and pro-democracy activist George Soros had derived his wealth from international drug dealings. According to Bercow, these claims were proved solely by a damning lack of evidence to the contrary.
Rumours regarding the Speaker's love of beefy children - the sort raised on junk food, television, and no exercise - have run rampant since he became Speaker. But these rumours grew louder recently because no one was able to remember having seen Bercow turn down a platter of scrumptious roasted kid.
"I've never seen the man turn down anything on a platter," admits a Labour colleague Richard Angell
Given such convincing testimony, it's not a stretch to image the Speaker of the House relaxing in his office with a heaping plate of chubby, yet tender, child as its juices drip down his chin.
Our investigation further revealed that children have been seen arriving at the Bercow’s house. Arriving, but not departing.
According to Sally Devine, a political junkie who enjoys photographing the homes of House members, "Yes, there were children going into the house - they were with adults though." But when pressed, Sally admits that she never saw these children leave. "No I never saw them come out of the house."
This despite the fact that she sat at the roadside for nearly four minutes.
