London: Balham: – Addressing earlier accounts that one of his key ministers was engaging in intercourse with a stripper in a cemetery, Gordon Brown announced today that his office had successfully turned back an invasion of the undead.
“We got a tip last week that there was going to be an uprising, literally at a Balham-area cemetery on Halloween night,” said the PM. “I know it sounds far-fetched, but we made a decision that it was better to take the threat seriously and risk some mocking from the press than to ignore it and risk having our brains eaten by an army of zombies.”
The Prime Minister’s office is still assembling the full report, but in an effort to set the story straight, they released a preliminary report of their proactive actions to neutralize the zombie threat.
According to the report, the office immediately engaged in research on the subject including consulting Wikipedia and viewing dozens of zombie movies. Unfortunately, popular media only deals with the consequences of zombie reanimation, not preventative measures.
“We hit a roadblock in the research,” said Chief Inspector Tosh Hughes. “We could only get so far through the supposedly fictional accounts, we had to look harder for the answer and we were running out of time.
That’s when we realized out we had a voodoo high priestess right here in Balham, We took a blood oath of secrecy about what exactly she told us and swore not to reveal her identity all I can tell you is that she’s in the South-eastern corner of London and that she will no longer be paying any UK income taxes.”
The team came away from the meeting armed with a strategy and set about implementing it right away.
“It’s unfortunate what happened at Balham Cemetery on Halloween,” said Hughes, “but it wasn’t an isolated incident.
We had agents from my office at virtually every cemetery in Great Britain on Halloween Night. Each one with a stripper or prostitute, I can’t go into details of exactly what the agents were doing as the mission is ongoing through tonight and we can’t afford to compromise it.
I’m asking the citizens of Britain to please bear with us, and if you see something suspicious and/or hear loud squeals or moans coming from your local cemetery, please understand that we’re just doing our job and keeping the citizens safe. When you wake up on Sunday morning and your brain hasn’t been eaten, you’ll know we’ve succeeded.
