The Dead Synapses Society

United Kingdom: ITV London Studios-: The Christmas TV ratings war has kicked off early with ITV unveiling a strippers' version of the BBC’s flagship moron programme Strictly Come Dancing.

The festive special will feature dozens of desperate wannabe famous scrubbers cavorting partially dressed in fetishistic and/or quasi-dominatrix strip.

This will gradually come off while contestants dance the Last Tango in Paris in a festive blockbuster show sponsored by Benecol Light Margarine.

The dance floor will be hygienically cleansed in between bouts.

Viewers will be able to phone-vote for the best acts and their selections will be duly ignored according to ground rules laid down by Blue Peter and GMTV phone-vote rigging traditions.

The lucky winners will get to perform their winning routines at the Royal Variety Performance early in 2010.

The show will be screened over Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day and is predicted to be a walk-over in the annual TV ratings war.

According to Green Peace and World Wildlife Fund scientists, Penguins are on the verge of extinction!

The Gentoo, Emperor, Chinstrap and Adelie Penguins, who all feed on Krill, the smaller relative of the Plankton family face difficult times ahead because of so-called' global warming'.

In an exclusive interview, In Ecology Today News, Scientists have interviewed a member of the species known only as 'Krill Bill:

"The 'nuns' of the bird world face extinction because those 'clever' human beings reckon that this farce of 'global warming' has killed us off a bit. The reality is far different because we actually thrive in warmer water.

Instead of being abundant bird food, we are in fact migrating north, perhaps as far as UK because we've heard that they'll accept anything."

"Whilst Whales (Fat Obese Bastards!) Are our biggest predators, they are not as numerous as penguins and pose no threat to us as we expect to lose a small percentage (the old and frail) to them each year.

We call it 'Krill cull' time and has always been a successful way to keep our numbers down!"

"On the other tentacle, (yes we krill’s have them too!), penguins (i.e. those who consider themselves to be birds, but are just overweight waiters who can't even fly!) Are some of our biggest consumers and will soon starve and die off within a year or so.

Our plan is to breed, breed, and breed. We have been holding sex orgies 24/7 for the past 3 years. We have numerous nurseries deep in the Antarctic waters which are crammed with the 'little lads' and we hope all will be strong enough in 3 years to be ready for the long journey north which is expected to take 2 years according to tidal currents."

"This will ensure the survival of our species as we shall have no predators left.

We firmly believe that our evolution is rapidly progressing and we can expect to form a society, first of all by evolving into 'Politicians' by 2610 and then into 'real' people by 3002."

The 'King of Krill' excitedly added "There will come a day when Krill Will Rule The World!"

DON'T SAY WE NEVER WARNED YOU!