The Dead Synapses Society

The Gulf state of Bahrain has lodged an official complaint with the UK Foreign Secretary over what it sees as biased reporting on BBC News.
Foreign Minister Alhamad bin Jasmin told David Miliband that the so-called news channel was damaging relations between the two countries by fabricating stories and stirring up hatred of Arabs.

"Most serious is that this channel gives a platform for your Mr Brown to spread his message of hate by broadcasting videos of him," he said. "He has been quite clearly inciting violence against Iraqis and other Arabs and it has to stop. That the channel's so-called commentators incessantly praise his bumbling performances, is as wrong as it is ridiculous."

Left unmentioned was the coalition's command centre outside Manama,
which has been used extensively for operations in the Gulf. It is thought that ministers could try to force both America and Britain to abandon the base if BBC News does not stem what has been described as "a tide of hatred".

Mr Miliband declined to answer a question on what PM Gordon Brown could do to influence BBC News, citing a lack of time.

Sources at the No10, however, told DSS that any attack on BBC News journalists, such as detaining and beating them, as British and American soldiers are alleged to have done with journalists from the Qatar-based al-Jazeera news channel, "would not go unpunished".

Plymouth, Cornwall “Netcast™”, the UK’s largest cable television provider, announced today that it will be the first to offer an exciting, innovative and ground breaking all new FoetusTV channel to its customers.

FoetusTV is a new and exciting network dedicated to providing practical, constructive content for foetuses in the womb. The channel is produced by pre-natal experts in foetal development and education.

Supported by UK child development agencies and advertising experts, FoetusTV is specifically designed to meet the needs of foetuses up to the third trimester. The network’s technology transforms the traditional cable TV signal into a high powered, wireless TV signal that utilizes micro-wave technology to beam the images and sound into the foetuses occipital and temporal brain lobes creating a clear, vibrant, and easy to hear learning experience. The mother simply places a device on her belly that is connected to her cable box and the high tech viewing experience begins.

FoetusTV offers a unique television experience for today’s babies in the womb, said Carol Anne Simpson, Executive Directing of Marketing for FoetusTV. We created FoetusTV to provide parents with affordable and trimester-appropriate content. We offer an extremely educational experience for foetuses during the early stages of development while they are still forming brain function in the mother’s womb.

This channel is being created in response to extensive market research that showed many mothers were tired of having to talk to their babies themselves. The mothers we spoke with also simply didn’t have the time to spend reading to their unborn children or singing songs to them. There was a large demand for programming for foetuses that is relatively safe and designed for unborn viewers and content that can help them learn about this crap world before they even take their first breath of filthy air, said Andrew Webber, soon to be terminated Director of Public Relations for FoetusTV.

Now whilst most mothers are excited to be able to offer television programming to their unborn foetuses, some are voicing concern over what they consider a dangerous concept. “Last time I checked, microwaves were used to cook things. This can’t be safe for the mother.” said Sandra Hornchurch, a pregnant woman we met on the street. “I don’t want my stomach changing colours or having more stretch marks than I’m already going to get.”

“Look this form of program delivery is perfectly safe for pregnant mums.” said Dr Steven Hunt, Director of High Powered Neurological Radiology for FoetusTV. When asked about how safe this form of programming is to the unborn child, Dr. Hunt placed a dome shaped device on his head, flipped a switch and began convulsing uncontrollably. After he removed the device from his head, Mr. Hunt recited the entire play “Richard III” word for word and said, “See, this shit really works!”

Many foetuses have not had the opportunity to watch television. In fact, a recent study into foetuses and television found that over 100 percent of unborn babies are unable to enjoy TV.

Programming is likely to include many different genres including comedy, drama, history, documentary, and child horror. FoetusTV is scheduled to launch in July 2012.

Dr Steven Hymen from the World Health Organisation says Bankingitis Fever has spread widely this year.

"At the European Finance Festival a lot of people went there, and there was a risk of people getting it at that time. There was Bankingitis in Canary Wharf (where the festival was held) and then they went home and brought it back," he says.

Symptoms of Bankingitis can vary but are often associated with a fever, hangover joint pain and a rash. For most people it is not fatal.
But as the virus develops, complications can lead to haemorrhagic spending, which causes uncontrolled risk taking.

"When you get to hemorrhagic, you get bleeding into your bank accounts. You can get bleeding under the noses of ones supervisors. You poke the sell screen and get hemorrhaging," Sir John explains from his office in Hawaii.

"The worst kind is the shock syndrome, where your whole circulatory banking system just shuts down. That is pretty rare," he says.
"It is in pandemic proportions. To be officially a pandemic in WHO terms it has to have a special sort of review. I call it a pandemic of Finances," Sir John says.

He says instead of spending millions guarding against an outbreak of Swine Flu, more money should be spent on fighting Bankingitis, which occurs in all established capitalist countries except Saudi Arabia.

The British Government has commenced contingency plans to cull all animal life in Britain following the confirmation of 2 cases of Swine Flu in Scotland earlier today. The plans were drawn up after the HN1 Bird Flu crisis in 2006. When ministers decided that during the 2001 Foot and Mouth outbreak the unnecessary and illegal slaughter of almost 5 million animals did not happen fast enough.

Following staffing cuts in the HM Civil Service the plans have yet to be updated, DSS has learned.

Massive trenches are now being dug across Britain, with southeastern England the "priority area" because, although it is a long way from the two confirmed cases of swine flu so far, "it's the most important bit".

The plan dictates that pigs and cattle should be the first to be culled for three reasons: their size, pigs are swine and the ease at which they can be spotted.

Government scientific adviser Professor James Harriot explained the rationale behind the plan. "There is no evidence so far that swine flu can jump to cattle, it's made the jump to dogs and cats, but not cattle," he said, with the aid of a flipchart and laser pointer. "But that doesn't mean that it won't. A cull is a sensible pre-emptive measure."

Asked whether, given the facts two humans have already caught swine flu in the UK and that 20 more are being assessed for the virus, a cull of human life might also be sensible, Professor Harriot said that it "cannot be ruled out".

A spokesperson for DEFRA, said that a cull of household pets would be put off until after the local elections.

"However, if a cull of humans proves necessary that could be brought forward, starting with the I.O.W, Farmers and Chavs," he added.

London “Soho” The impact of a strike by porn writers was still not very evident, even as the strike entered its 5th year. While production on approximately ten adult films was stopped due to the strike, both the porn industry and the porn watching community are barely able to tell that anything has changed.

Filming on the 25th instalment of the popular porn series “Swedish Testicle Bouncers” was set to wrap up Friday and Studio Porno 69 Pictures spokesman Big Larry said he has simply tied a few monkeys to chairs in front of computers running Microsoft Word until the strike is over. “There is no discernible difference between the writer’s work and these monkeys simply banging their hands on the keyboard while a banana is teasingly dangled just out of their reach,” said Larry.

Some pornographic films were not affected by the writers strike at all including “No Need To Talk Just Bang,”

“My Mouth is Too Busy To Produce Words Right Now,” and “Mute Sara and the Faceless Martian.”

Many pornographic film stars are expressing support for the writers. “I love what my writers do for me,” said popular pornographic film star Levi Hornball. “I greatly appreciate all the scripts they write for us, even though we simply ignore them and spit in eachother’s mouths for the entire film.”

Films that will have to stop production include “Commencement Speech Gang Bang Part 2,” “When Public Speaking Gets Nasty,” and “Read To Me While You Slap My Ass,” according to Ralph Harrison, a spokesperson for Fetish Studios.

The strike started on a Thursday immediately after last-minute negotiations between the Writers Porn Guild and the Alliance of Body Action Movies Producers were unable to agree on how much porn writers should be paid when adult films are offered in the back rooms of erotic novelty stores.

A group of exhausted striking porn writers who were picketing outside the Alliance Clap studios in Soho were joined by a number of adult film stars as well as loyal fans.

“This is the least we could do for these people,” said one adult film fan that wished to remain anonymous because he is a Chemistry Professor at Oxford University.

Many writers have been forced to take up oddly ironic side jobs such as pizza deliveryman, plumber, pool boy, and proctologist in order to pay their bills during the strike.

One writer felt so bad for leaving the actors without scripts so he made a simple flash card that stated, “How about you just shut the fuck up and bang the shit out of her for once.”

Thankfully, the extended strike is not expected to have a noticeable impact on customers named Pompeycaulkhead,
Individuals named Pompeycaulkhead have stockpiled hundreds of adult films that should hold them off till at least next week.

The sometimes outrageous, but pleasantly fragrant news satire website "Dead Synapses Society" today confirmed that it is being investigated by the Slovakian Fraud Squad. Yohan Yovantovich, the officer leading the investigation, told journalists a number of important details about the case, but unfortunately we couldn't understand a word he was saying. We did, however, pick up several rude hand gestures.

A spokesperson for DSS, who was completely unrecognisable as Sir John because of the false moustache and glasses he was wearing, was seen lurking in at Liverpool Lime Street yesterday afternoon. "It wasn't me," he whispered from behind an upside-down copy of El Mundo. "But I heard on the grapevine that some people have been doing things they shouldn't."

He was eager to tell us everything he knew about the Slovakian Fraud Squad's investigation. Unfortunately, since he has been hiding in a hole for the last three years, he had little to add to Mr Yovantovich's earlier statement.

Late yesterday afternoon when your faithful correspondent was about to give up for the day and go home (about 2pm), Mr Yovantovich called up. After realising that our news hotline is not an adult chat line, he told us in English more perfect than Mr Camerons's about his investigation.

"I can confirm that the website is being investigated for producing fraudulent search engine results. When a user performs a search, only links to your own pages are returned. This is clearly quite unfair to other websites."

It is not yet clear why this is unfair, or why it is anything to do with the Slovakian Fraud Squad, but a spokesperson for the now distinctly smelly website was at last able to make a sensible comment:

"Who gives a shit?"

Southampton FC got awarded a 10 point deduction by the FA today and now face heading into the abyss of the lower leagues and football obscurity!

And an unemployed reprobate living on the Island of the damned commonly known as the Isle of Weight, or IOW abbreviated is in wild celebration along with other Skates!

Yet there have been other clubs that have spent time in the abyss and have come back. The oldest example is Accrington Stanley who was a founding member of the Football League 1888. But Carlisle FC are probably the best example of that, but then again Aldershot had it even worse. They went out of existence and look at them now! There are some that haven’t… Oxford right now are not showing many signs of a revival.

Regarding those celebrating Skates I notice that Portsmouth FC paraded the FA Cup round the Dell in 1939.
Also during WW2 the Dell was bombed, and Saints home games where played at Fratton Park.

Maybe worth a mention?

The Right Wing British National Party has today just launched its election manifesto for the coming elections, promising the abolition of all ethnic minorities and an end to "the rise of Chami Chakrabarti". "For too long so-called ethnic minorities – and let's be plain about this, by that I mean Fn Jews, Gypsies and those Fn blacks and the Fn bloody Asians, have been taking all of the best jobs, leaving honest British people and by that I mean white people, including Scottish white people in squalid conditions," said the BNP's fuhrer, Nick Griffin. "Just look at the top layer of government, or business or the police there's hardly a white face among them is there?"

Herr Fuhrer Griffin denied that he was playing the race card. "We're not in the business of stereotypes, we're just speaking the truth: the Jews are everywhere, they're practically running the place with their huge wads of cash," he said. "It's time somebody put a stop to it."

The party declined to comment on how it planned to bring about the abolition of ethnic minorities, but in its press briefing it said that it had found a solution and it would be the final one needed.

When it was put to him that the BNP was essentially a single-issue party, Herr Griffin was quick with his denial. "That's not true at all," he replied. "We don't just hate Jews, Gypsies, we hate Blacks and Asians and Eastern bloody Europeans as well."

The fuhrer was then challenged that his policies were all concerned with race, something which he also denied. " Look we're against white people who don't look white too!

Whilst edging towards the exit, our fearless reporter suggested that this strategy might split the racist bigot vote come election day. "No, I don't think so," responded Herr Griffin, as two immaculately dressed burly gentlemen began making their way towards our reporter. "Nigel Farage is a ****, everybody knows that."

Starting to run, our reporter conceded that this was probably true, but put it to Herr Griffin that his party was nothing but a bunch of racist thugs and nobody with half a brain would fall for their bigoted propaganda. "We're not thugs," Herr Griffin said, as a further five gentlemen of equally large proportions sprang up from their seats, wielding a variety of weapons. "And if you print that we'll –"

DSS would like to apologise for missing the end of the BNP's press conference as its reporter had an urgent appointment in the back of a speeding getaway car.

The Chancellor Alistair Darling made his 2nd budget speech this afternoon, promising a 83% rise in Defence spending over the next five years. Darling also said that the economy would recover in 2030 but borrowing would total £275bn this year.

DSS, in all its unabbreviated glory, is pleased to bring you this special, badly punned and not particularly useful low-budget feature.

What does the budget mean for you?
As is traditional with every budget, you will almost certainly be worse off somehow. No matter whether you are young, old, a health worker, a teacher, a police officer or a self-employed florist from Northampton, New Labour guarantees that you will lose money in some way.

What did Mr Cameron say?
He was quite exciting really, Mr Cameron said the UK was now in the worst recession since 1645 and its public finances were out of control. Labour's claim to economic competence was "dead", Mr Cameron told MPs, after it had presided over a "decade of debt".

However our keen ears did pick out this soundbite: "People should not have to use their life savings to save their lives." Ironic, really, considering the Tories are again investigating private health insurance options at the moment.

Who is Mr Cameron?
A florist from Northampton.

What's he got to do with anything?
Nothing, but he made us laugh.

What did Mr Clegg say?
Probably something to do with increasing taxes and proportional representation, but our man in Westminster had already gone to grab a beer before the tax yet again goes up on beer, wine and spirits duty!

What was the most interesting part of the budget?
What could have been a very interesting moment was, sadly, avoided as the Chancellor declined to take an alcoholic drink in with him, a clear indication that he would be raising taxes on booze. But, the BBC had Peter Snow dancing around a giant Monopoly board in the Trafford Centre, so that made up for it.

What is Peter Snow on?
I wish I knew.

Budget at a Glance.

• Alcohol taxes to go up 12% from midnight - putting the price of the average pint up 10p
• Tax on tobacco to go up by 22% from 6pm - equivalent to an extra17p on a pack of 20 cigarettes
• Fuel duty to rise by 22p per litre from September, then by 1p a litre above indexation each April for the next four years
• From next month until March 2010 motorists to get £12,000 discount on new cars if they trade in cars older than 10 years
• They will have to show they been the registered keeper of the vehicle for the previous 12 months before ordering the new car
• The government will provide £6,000 with the industry expected to provide the other half
• Income tax for those earning more than £50,000 to rise to 50% from April 2010
• Tax relief on pensions to be reduced for people on more than £250,000 a year from April 2011
• Economy forecast to shrink 8.5% in 2009
• Growth expected to pick up in 2015, expanding by 1.25%.
• Economy to grow by 1.5% annually from 2011
• Public borrowing to increase to £175bn this year
• Borrowing levels to be £275bn, £240bn, £148bn and £107bn in years after
• Consumer price inflation to fall to 0. 1% by end of year. Retail Price Index to go to -8% by September.
• Capital investment to continue at historically high levels until 2040

Can you think of an amusing way of finishing this article?
Other than a completely irrelevant joke about Gordon Brown, no!

A young writer from Carlisle told of his shock yesterday after a satirical article he wrote actually influenced something. "I went into this business for personal reasons," he said, "I wanted to make people laugh as defence against my pitiful lack of self esteem. I didn't want to change the world".

Brian Hardwick, 26, from Cumbria, continued: "It wasn't supposed to be like this. Political satire was supposed to be about pointing out mild hypocrisy in an aloof and rhetorical manner. I never meant it to end up like this."

Hardwicks's article, "Why I love War", was a surprise hit, and within an hour of it being posted on the Internet, his website had received more than a billion zillion hits. Among those who read it were Gordon Brown, Tony Blair, George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Mr Putin.

"It has opened my eyes," Bush told a press conference this morning, "With the help of wry British irony, I was able to see how crazy my greedy warmongering has been. His comical prose and poorly argued rhetoric helped me see a much simpler view of the situation in which war was 'just bad, that's all'. Now I'm going to dedicate my life to the CND".

Mr Brown was similarly impressed, responding with a series of verb-less sentences that conveyed a vague peace related intent whilst remaining noncommittal on matters of actual policy. "Sustainable peace," he said. "Globalised non-destructive expansion the pursuance of freedom sound economic ideals."

Global peace broke out almost immediately, compounding recent stock market crashes, the worst since 1926, as bankers dumped their arms shares like hot cakes. BAE shares briefly plummeted from a high of £3.24 to an all time low of 0.7 pence per share. Normality was restored after a retired shoe salesman from Bromley accidentally bought the entire company with his pension whilst trying to open a national savings account without his glasses. Following a series of other blunders with his chequebook, Edwin Hughes now controls 85% of the British weapons industry, and has a near complete monopoly on the manufacture of custard.

As the only financial institution that didn't own arms shares, the Co-operative Bank emerged phoenix-like from the economic flames to create a new world order in which ethical investment rules the market.

City financial analysts have predicted the worst case scenario, the worst recession since the collapse of the Roman Empire, but many companies feel that world peace will be good for consumer confidence.

A spokesperson for British American Tobacco said, "People don't only smoke during wars, so this isn't a problem for us. I can't see the Co-op investing in us, but since we own the World Bank, that shouldn't be much of a problem."

Simply Driven

I’LL not resign? NO, not me!
It's something I could never be.
I'll struggle, scratch, cajole and beg
To raise that bar another peg,
But signing off, I just wont do
I cannot lay it down; 'tis true.

I will labour till, one day I'LL fall,
even though my back's against the wall.
Determination sends me forth
To try to prove again my worth,
Although I know it's not all in my hands.

The United Kingdom Government announced today that it is speeding up delivery of bailout funds to the poorest banks hardest hit by the global economic crisis.

The plan calls for newly unemployed workers to deliver these funds as quickly as possible to these ailing banks using hybrid Bentley convertibles.

The program consists of paying every willing unemployed worker £5.00 per hour (plus tips) to deliver bags full of cash to all of the banks Chief Executive Officers around the country, some of whom have been waiting months for their bailout cash.

“The recession cannot and will not be used as an excuse for not delivering on our promise of help to these poor banks,” said U.K. Treasury Secretary Terence Smythe-Smith. “Some of these banks have had to trade in their Mercedes Benz limousines for regular Mercedes Benz cars because they have had to wait so long. That is unacceptable. We need to get this money to them faster so that we avoid tragedies such as that.”

More than £20 billion of the aid will be hand delivered within the next week by all of those struggling in the UK who have recently lost their jobs. “It’s a win win situation. The banks need their money, and these unemployed people need jobs” continued Smythe-Smith.

When I asked how the department came up with the plan? Smythe-Smith stated that the banks flew both him and his staff to Egypt on platinum plated private jets, flown by exquisitely trained and very rare albino monkeys that also served them Dodo egg omelette’s on ivory plates. Once in Egypt, they stayed at a newly built gothic cathedral style hotel built specifically for the meeting and drank wine that was made from grapes only found in the Garden of Eden. “Once we were all settled in, it was quite easy to come up with this solution” said Smythe-Smith.

All newly unemployed UK workers are urged to call the Bailout Delivery Driver Job Hotline at 0845-000-000 for a listing of available driver jobs in your area. Drivers will also need to be custom fitted for their uniforms which are made of Osprey skin and coloured red white and blue using infant blood, dolphin sperm, and actual concentrated chunks of the sky.

So our MPs awarded themselves a pay increase of just under 2.5% and whilst the figure was decided upon before the complete collapse of the world’s financial markets, it needs to be reviewed at the very least deferred.

Politics really has changed hugely, the major change has been that politics is now a financially viable career option.

But should someone enter politics because of the potential financial rewards?

Labour has shown politics in the UK to be a filthy business where the opportunity exists to run an enterprise that can employ family members, pay for one or even two homes and allow you to claim back the cost of any minor domestic charge as an expense.

Even a plug for your sink can be claimed back from the taxpayer.

So why are MPs allowed to have their lives almost completely funded from the public purse? It has become the case that there is no element of having a calling to serve the public, only a calling to cream off the public purse.

Now, were is my MP candidate list application pack!

Minister for Nothing in Particular Harriet Harman

today announced new measures to cut the sleaze out of government. The measures, which were listed in a long and largely baffling speech by the Deputy Prime Minister, include the banning of brown envelopes from all ministerial offices. According to officials, this will prevent payoffs similar to those in the cash for questions affair taking place, because ministers will be unable to get their hands on any brown envelopes to put their money in.

Many of the bemused journalists at the press conference in a small pub near Cornwall were keen to point out that ministers could simply put their money in another coloured envelope, and that it was the ministers who were being paid anyway, so why would they want to put money in envelopes?

Ms Harman responded with a full and frank explanation - which included the words "sleaze", "journalist", "bastards" and "ice cream" - as to why these new rules would help stop sleaze, but unfortunately no one at the press conference could understand a word she was saying.

Gordon Brown today put a finger to his nose, stuck out his tongue, blew a large raspberry, and shouted "Na na-na na na" down the UK-USA emergency hotline at Barack Obama. The call happened early this morning and, aides say, was timed perfectly to take place in the middle of the night, US time.

Mr Browns excuse for his childish antics was simple, he said. "For once I have beaten the Americans at something," he told our reporter excitedly. "And I didn't even have to bomb anyone! My website is better than there’s Ha ha!"

Our very own Sir John, international man of mystery and crackpot Internet expert, agrees with Mr Brown.

"Obama's site looks like someone with a mental age of six designed it," he said. "In fact, that explains it as George Bush probably designed it himself originally."

Obama was said to be "mildly annoyed" at Mr Brown for disturbing him and young Bo from their sleep, but close friend Homer Sampson, Chief Executive of an American oil company, told us "Barack will forgive him. He'll just see it as payback for old Bush manipulating Blair over the Iraqi war."

If you are interested in viewing Mr Brown's site, you can visit http://www.number10.gov.uk. If you want to view Obama's site, then there really is something wrong with you.

Only recently I was at a seedy, but reputable strip club in Soho.

Women danced on the stage, wrapped themselves around poles, ground themselves into the laps of lecherous businessmen unwinding after long hours at the office. I had a glass of Chablis and was sitting at the bar, peering up every so often at the naked women, with Mark, my ex-forces old mate who was going through a bitter divorce. His wife, Mandy, was divorcing him because he frequented too many strip clubs.

“It’s just tits,” Mark said. “It’s just ass.”

“I guess Mandy doesn’t see it that way,” I said.

“That’s because Mandy doesn’t have tits or an ass. Have you seen her?” Mark waved to the bartender for another refill.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Her tits are as small as chocolate marshmallows. Her ass is as lumpy as fetta cheese.”

“Yeah,” I said.

I always hated when Mark did this, found things to say about his wife just to bring her down, always belittling her not just to me but to her face. No wonder she was getting a divorce. I love Mark, I do, but he’s a prick. “Listen,” I said, wanting to get out of the conversation, not wanting to talk about Mandy’s fetta cheese bum, “I’m gonna’ go for a pee. I’ll be right back.”

I went to the bathroom and saw that Quick bloke in there snorting some coke. He didn’t look like the guy who I had last seen portrayed on Sky News. For one thing he wasn’t standing in front of No10. For another he was doing blow with a toothless hooker.

“Time to go,” I said,

Then he mumbled “I know!”

A lady once said to me, “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.”

A lifetime of love and devotion versus a quick rock n roll with a stranger. Isn’t it funny how we can have two seemingly opposite urges both at the same time?

A voluptuous naked chick hit on Steve Munn at a Dakar encampment. That's what he calls her: a voluptuous naked chick. He's married. But his wife wasn't there.

"I was in the middle of a desert," he recalled. "Nobody would ever know."

Two seemingly opposite urges at the same time.

He said no.

Because he loves his wife. Because he wouldn't want to ruin his life by losing her. But choices such as the one he made that day on the sand aren't totally matters of morality. They're not about cartoon angels and devils sparring on our shoulders.

Its science talking.

Two new reports vaunted in the mainstream media, from the Pew Research Centre and the National Survey of Families and Households indicate that couples become bored and unhappy sooner than was previously thought: more like three years into their togetherness than seven.

DSS caught up with Joe Quirk, whose book Sperm Are From Men, Eggs Are From Women (Running Press, 2006) details what he calls "the science of relationships." A three-year itch makes plain biological sense, he says.

"This is when your genes are saying, in effect, 'No child has been produced. Move on.'" In relationship matters, Quirk says," we tend to consult our feelings. Well, where do our feelings come from? Emotions are instincts. Lust is an instinct. Marriage is an instinct."

Sometimes those two collude. Sometimes they collide. But among heterosexuals at least, both indiscriminate lust and what biologists call the pair-bond are hyperpowered programs streamlined through millions of years of evolution to produce one paramount result: offspring, preferably those who will live long enough to reproduce.
"Desires that dominate in our psyches are those that are best at getting genes into the next generation," Quirk says. "Our desires are designed to get us to the next life stage. The initial joy of pair-bonding evolved because it got us to the baby-raising phase." In which case, honeymoon bliss is yet another consummately efficient biological function that meets a need, rather like pissing.

"Lots of animals," Quirk says "have the 'marriage' instinct: penguins, parrots, swans, gibbons, seahorses, and humans ... What do all these animals have in common? Long childhood’s. Who has the longest childhood in the animal kingdom? Humans." For species whose slow-growing offspring statistically stand better chances of survival with two parents providing double-sustenance, double-vigilance, double-protection and double-support, monogamy makes scientific sense. But because it's so difficult "to live in the same nest for 15 years," as Quirk puts it, "love is an instinct coded into our genes."
Fool yourself all you want about free will.

"We inherited the desire to fall in love," Quirk insists, because that soul-baring, die-for-you devotion helped our ancestors "raise babies on the dangerous Pleistocene savannah."

He'd get an argument from the intellectual anti-love crowd. Certainly from Guggenheim Foundation fellow Laura Kipnis, who in Against Love: A Polemic (Pantheon, 2003) argues fiercely but with a sardonic smile that love -- not even monogamy or domesticity, but love -- is not an evolutionary legacy but "a new form of mass conscription," a lockstep drill like organised religion, performed under "marching orders" from nefarious overlord forces that don't want us to notice our "flagging ardour," which is the lot of the committed.

Kipnis rages against "domestic gulags," against "the straitjacketed roles that such familiarity predicates ... the boredom and the rigidities which aren't about to be transcended in this or any other lifetime." Invoking Karl Marx, she compares love to a factory, calling them both "social institutions ... [that] come to subsume and dominate" their victims "like a hostile alien force."
How to escape that evil grip?

"Adultery ... is at least a reliable way of proving to ourselves that we're not in the ground quite yet," Kipnis writes, "especially when feeling a little dead inside."

You see it everywhere these days except the Hallmark Channel, this charge that monogamy is bad for us - as a species, as a society, as red-blooded primates whose DNA is almost identical to that of bonobos. You remember bonobos. Five years ago everyone was talking about these pygmy chimpanzees, an endangered species numbering several thousand and native to a between-rivers swatch of the Democratic Republic of Congo, distinctive for engaging in so much nonmonogamous sex: face-to-face sex and same-gender sex and oral sex. "Sex-crazed Bonobos May Be More Like Humans Than Thought" hooted the headline of an article in Science Today. It was hard not to worry: Am I less sexy than a bonobo?

At least three different pop songs are titled "No Such Thing as Love," one by Dwight Yoakam, one by the Roches, one by the late Ian Dury. Their lyrics are different, but the message is the same. Frank Zappa sang: "There ain't no such thing as love, no angels singing. ... Why should I be stuck with you? It's just not what I want to do."
So wait - are we building our dreams together, or chained to the machinery of someone else's brave New World? Are we throwbacks: Mr., Mrs. and Ms. Myth, our vows and pledges vestiges of a sexist, classist, fearful, funless antiquity?

Awash in a popular-culture chaos that on one hand thrusts images of happy-coupledom down our throats while simultaneously whispering that marriage might be a neocon plot, we question our commitments. Are they really that - or cowardice? We question the meanings of stability, of loyalty. "Can we be protected without there being a protection racket?" asks celebrity psychologist Adam Phillips -- whom Kipnis admires -- in his book Monogamy (Pantheon, 1996). Phillips' barbed aphorisms read like fortune-cookie fortunes dispensed in restaurants next-door to divorce courts:

 A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get.
 We are never unfaithful; we are just sometimes faithful in ways we don't like.
 Fidelity shouldn't always be taken personally.
 In private life the word we is a pretension.

Everywhere we look (even on the Hallmark Channel); we are reminded again and again that the U.S. divorce rate is a staggering 50 percent. So, see? Why bother? Kipnis seizes on that statistic too. Actually, it's closer to .38 percent per capita per year, according to the latest U.S. Census Bureau and National Centre for Health Statistics figures. This means about four out of every 1,000 Americans - or 1 in 250- will get divorced every year. And that's the lowest it's been since 1970, marking a steady decline - down from .48 percent in 1992. While .38 percent might seem minuscule, year by year, a married person's odds of getting divorced will add up, so that eventually half of All-American marriages fail. But divorce statistics are notoriously open to interpretation, and competing ideological camps post varying claims about what the raw numbers mean. According to a report released by Rutgers University's National Marriage Project, 43 percent of first marriages end in divorce, not 50 percent - an improvement over percentages in past decades.

One reason that fewer marriages fail these days is that fewer of us rush into them. Or even tie the knot at all. Since 1970, the UK and US marriage rate has plummeted by around 30 percent, according to the Rutgers report. Changing social mores have removed the stigma from what used to be called "living in sin." The number of unmarried cohabiting couples has mushroomed since 1970 by over 1,000 percent, according to the Rutgers report. But statisticians don't keep track of failed cohabitation’s and boyfriend-girlfriend break-ups.
Which in turn doesn't mean that we aren't mostly monogamous.

"I'm reluctant to say that something like monogamy could be genetically determined," says Gordy Slack, author of The Battle Over the Meaning of Everything: Evolution, Intelligent Design, and a School Board in Dover, PA (Jossey-Bass, 2007). "But humans are incredibly adaptable; our adaptability is one of the reasons for our success as a species. We evolve cultures that are specific to different times and places, different environments. In some of these situations, monogamy is appropriate and has great adaptive value. In others, it would be cultural suicide." Spinning a scenario that evokes the 1970s sex-fantasy sci-fi flicks Zardoz and A Boy and His Dog, he describes a theoretical population that has for one reason or another been reduced to several women and just one man. Monogamy, Slack points out, "would be the end of that little society."

But beyond such catastrophes, cultural values influence our sexual tendencies.

"In a society that really values monogamy," such as the mainstream West, "promiscuity will be defined as a problem," Slack says. Yet both of those opposite-direction urges keep species healthy.
"Organisms need to try to maximise their evolutionary success," Slack says, noting recent studies revealing that many species long believed to be exclusively pair-bonded aren't. Aided by advances in DNA technology allowing biologists to track parentage conclusively, these new studies show that "a lot of sneaking has been going on" among the birds and the bees, Slack says, Literally. Barn swallows and chickadees cheat.

"Because children take so long to raise, men inherited two needs," Quirk says. "They need to impregnate a fertile body. And they need a good mother to raise the result. These are separable needs." Male wiring reasons: "Just because I invest my love and labour in one woman to make sure our offspring survive doesn't mean I don't have spare sperm. Can't hurt to toss a couple extra out there and see if they take. Some of my ancestors succeeded at the fathering strategy. Some succeeded at the fornicating strategy. They've passed on their desires to me."

It's the same for women, more or less. "Because children take so long to raise, women inherited two needs," Quirk says. "They need a good nest to raise the healthy baby. They need good genes to raise the healthy baby. The best nest might come from your husband. The best genes might come from somebody else's husband. It's hard to get both in the same guy."

My Conclusion:

If we inherited a falling-in-love gene, we also inherited the desire to sneak hot genes on the side. We come into this world tormented don’t we?

Latest research coming from the Department of Sexual Sciences has identified that increasing numbers of middle-aged men are going off sex, according to relationship experts. They report it is a worldwide trend, but suspect it may only be a British trend:
Counselling and sex therapy charity “Touch” says it has seen a 40 per cent increase in men who simply cannot be bothered to make love to their wives and partners.

These findings are a world away from just ten years ago, when hardly any men contacted them with a loss of sex drive. “Touch” say that the main sufferers who call its help-line with the problem are generally aged between 30 and 50 and are married.

Dr Johnny Ball, Touch’s head of practice, said: “Men used to come to us with impotence, now known as erectile insufficiency, however Viagra has sorted some of that particular problem. What we have now is a lot of men who say, as women did in the 1950s: ‘I can have sex but I do not want to. It’s not rewarding’.

An English professor told DSS that he thinks he has the explanation:
Professor Arnold Adams, of the Royal University College Medical School based in London, has completed a study into mental illness across six countries which found that the rate of major depression and panic syndrome was highest among men in the UK.

Now, obviously we are not in a position to be able to question his conclusion. But I personally do feel sorry for all those beautiful, attractive, suffering English ladies out there. And I feel confident that there must be men, somewhere within the common labour market of the EU, who may be convinced to move to the UK to help them out.

After all, there must be lots of fun to be had in this once Great Britain? And if the natives are not willing to do it, somebody has to…

Awaiting your comments, ladies!

From the Kenyan Capital NAIROBI — A small group of Somali pirates engaged in a stand off with a U.S. Navy destroyer have filed a complaint with the (WTO) World Trade Organization, claiming that the United States has committed a free trade violation by interfering in Somali commerce.

It appears that the pirates briefly hijacked an 18,000-tonne American freighter, called the Bo-Diddly Alabama, on Easter Monday before the American crew retook control of the vessel.

In the process, however, the ship’s captain was kidnapped on a lifeboat. The U.S. Navy destroyer "Voyager 1" arrived on the scene early Tuesday morning to pressure the Somali pirates into releasing their hostage.

In a 300-page complaint to the WTO transmitted by a satellite fax machine aboard the lifeboat, Somali pirate lawyer Abdul Afukar — who is also one of the pirates — alleged the United States was seriously interfering with free trade in the developing world.

The USA purports to be a strong proponent for international free trade, but is in fact engaging in protectionism by seeking to curtail the economic activities of Somali businessmen,” Abdul wrote.

“There is a free market demand for the safe return of crew members who have been taken hostage. In a free market, demand is met by a supply, which we offer. Government interference in this marketplace should not be tolerated. We call upon the WTO to impose trade sanctions on the United States until such time as all American ships of war are removed from Somali waters.”

A reporter from the Somali News Network rowed out to the lifeboat Tuesday afternoon to interview Pirate Captain Moma Blythe Mhembe, who is often elusive and does not normally give interviews.

“The return of crew members retrieved from the high seas is an important export product for Somalia,” Mhembe noted. “The American government is trying to stop us from providing this valuable service to shipping companies. But it’s a global economy now and protectionism will not work.”

Email Sent By: Raffa Goodison
To: Editor DSS
Date: 14th April 2009 10:29 am GMT.

Subject: I’m in The Money

Dear Sir John,

I just felt the need to share my fantastic good fortune with you and all your readers!

It has often been said that a person can only be so lucky, but I received the most important emails of my life this morning.

Not only am I being personally requested to handle an £60,000,000 inheritance transaction for a gold/oil/cocoa farm widower from Nigeria, but I have also been randomly selected from over 1200,000,000 emails to receive Europe’s biggest lump sum lottery prize of over € 75,000,000. I’m RICH!

I just made more money in one minute than I could have ever made in my entire life, or even 2 lives!

Man the rich life is gonna be sweet, I almost didn’t even check my email. With all of the crap going on these days you never know who you can trust. Luckily, these men are men of honour. I already got my confirmation email for both deals and all I need to do is mail over my Bank Account Number, NI Number and copy of my Birth Certificate, two forms of ID, and a signed power of attorney.

Hold that thought, there’s some Police Tactical Firearms looking guys banging on my front door. Hey, they’re probably my new bodyguards!

Catch yer later,

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oh shit!

At a this time of religious fellowship, rebirth and celebrating Jesus’ 2000 year old levitation and then total disappearance into clouds.

It is therefor also very fitting at this Easter time, that we should also acknowledge those celebrities helping out those less fortunate than themselves.

Pop Diva Cher has jumped on the bandwagon now headed by the likes of Madonna, Brigitte Bardot, Pamela Anderson, Alicia Silverstone, Jenna Elfman, and Montel Williams!

Cher has just opened a Wildlife Sanctuary for tired old beavers too worn out to help themselves.

Cher said that “Tippi Hedren, owes her acting career to Alfred Hitchcock and she was best known for her role in the Alfred Hitchcock classic, The Birds, oh and for giving birth to Melanie Griffith, Tippi was my inspiration, all I needed to motivate me to take on in my new endeavour."

Tippi founded The Roar Foundation in 1983 and it exists solely to support the Shambala Preserve.

A wildlife sanctuary for Siberian Tigers, African Lions and Elephants, Panthers, and many other animals, all born in captivity and cast off by circuses and zoos.

DSS caught up with Cher at the grand opening of her “Maple Leaf Beaver Sanctuary” this morning and asked her how the project got started?

"Well, I have always been very fond of Castor fiber’s and Sonny Bono loved Beaver, so when I purchased 85 acres of choice woodland along with river sections my dream started to take shape.” Gushed the stunningly beautiful 63-year-old actress and singing sensation.

"My Sanctuary is specifically designed for beavers who might be past their prime. They might be getting too old to gather wood, or to feed and care for themselves. Someone has to look out for them, stroke their fur, brush out the knots, to feed and bathe them, so they can feel proud of being a beaver again.

It is my intention to help them any way I can. We are even going to have a mating programme where we introduce the older female beavers to younger studs to see if there is any attraction.

I have to prove to the world that an old beaver is still a useful beaver. That is my mission now."

I'm just yer regular Borneo Mountain Gorilla like anybody else.

After a particularly frantic day sometimes, I need a little something to take the edge off.

Hey, I'm not proud of it, but then, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, either. After a whole day of territorial screeching calls and rebounding off the walls of my artificial enclosure, I get pretty tense I can tell you. And from time to time, yes, I do like to have a zookeeper pump me full of tranquillisers from an air-rifle dart.

The very first time I took a hit, I fell hard. I clutched at the stinging sensation in my upper shoulder and roared with all my might. It must've put the fear of God into those poor schoolchildren, not to mention the rescue workers who were retrieving the one that "accidentally" fell into my pen (which is bull, by the way as that kid wanted to climb in). Just as that stupid woman did when she decided to go swimming with Polar Bears in the Berlin Zoo yesterday!

I felt disoriented and confused for a second, so I lashed out. I nearly pulled one of the zookeeper's arms out of the socket, and likely would have if my strength hadn't started to ebb.

Suddenly a warm, pleasant feeling of calm settled over me. It was a feeling I hadn't felt since the last time I was free, in the jungle eating twigs in the shade under a leafy rain-forest canopy, or maybe even earlier, when I was an infant suckling on my mother's sweet hairy bosom.

"Wow this is great!" I thought. "I can feel the tension leaving my shoulders." And I'm not ashamed to admit that it's a feeling I've occasionally sought out again.

C’mon It's not a big deal. It's not as if I'm pumped up with wild-animal-management sedatives all day long. It's just those crazy days when you can't stop screaming and thumping your chest, and you need a little something to help you relax. Who among us hasn't bitten a handler's finger off? When you're bellowing at top volume and ripping your dodgey tire swing in half, a nice tranquilliser dart can be just what the doctor ordered. Ahem, Vet I mean.

One thing is for sure; there is no way that I have a tranquilliser dart "problem." I don't need to explain the kind of pressures a silverback living in captivity faces on a daily basis. First of all, consider my limited territorial-roaming capacity! That alone is enough to drive an ape to darts.

Taking a swing from the same old bars day in and day out. I don't think there's a single thing up there I haven't swung on at least a thousand times. It beats me how the monkeys can keep doing it without going mad with boredom.

Then, there's the whole question of maintaining your place in the social hierarchy. Everybody on your ass all the time, trying to out-roar you, or pound his chest more than you do, or make the smell of his urine dominate your areas of the habitat. It's a damned zoo for Christ sake!

Look It's hard to rise to a position of responsibility like mine, but keeping it is where the real work comes in. Every gorilla in captivity wants to be the alpha male, so I'm constantly on the offensive. I deserve to cut loose and let off a little steam with the occasional male-power display and subsequent dart.

It's not like there's a lot of young females to go around, either. They keep the best-looking one in a special lab learning sign language. Most of the females seem infertile, anyway, and many are morose and uninvolved in the day-to-day competitive screeching of the group. So I get a little wound up now and then. Who wouldn't?

What about the day they left me in a temporary holding cage while they cleaned the display habitat. First off, it's a 10-by-8-foot space, so I'm rebounding off the walls like a tennis racket inside of 20 minutes. Then, they put the cage right next to a holding pen with another alpha-male silverback in it. I say Hello?

After eight hours of that, I was ready to relax with a little shot in the arm. Sometimes celery and bananas aren't enough, you know? Does that make me a dart addict? I don't think so. But if you disagree, then go ahead and judge me. Be careful, though, because I could pound the living crap out of you once this dart wears off.

Dear Brothers and sisters, through the wounds of the Risen Christ we can see the evils which afflict humanity with the eyes of hope. In fact, by his rising the Lord has not taken away suffering and evil from the world but has vanquished them at their roots by the superabundance of his grace. He has countered the arrogance of evil with the supremacy of his love. He has left us the love that does not fear death, as the way to peace and joy. “Even as I have loved you – he said to his disciples before his death – so you must also love one another” (cf. Jn 13:34)

A difficult path to follow, given that suffering and evil still thrives around us in abundace!

Yet Easter is here once again, and Father O’Brien checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist £ 300. “Too expensive” moans the priest. The protestant florist - £ 250, “No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small.” But lo! Angelina Jolly - £ 75!!! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Angelina obtains the contract. On Easter Sunday morning, Jolly’s men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O’Brien’s last reservations are discarded. When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:” Jesus has risen! But the prices of Jolly's always stay the same.”

David Blaine in my humble opinion, is one of the top performing magicians and endurance artists of modern times. He has even been likened to a modern Houdini.

However David will tonight attempt to mark Good Friday and the Easter Holiday by recreating as many of Jesus' miracles as he can in 50 minutes. He will begin his act inside a sealed metal box, suspended from a crane 200ft in the air, where he intends to turn his own urine into wine, bake bread using only the power of his mind and produce 5,000 fish out of a box of fish fingers.

David’s publicist, Ernie Atom, says he will then be dropped to the ground, landing on a pile of cardboard boxes. "This is the highlight of David's act," he told DSS. "The descent will be rapid and he may bounce at the end. It's going to be very, very exciting."

Once David has reached the ground he will climb out of what is expected to be a small crater, in a pastiche of Jesus' raising from the dead. Finally, after serving fish and chips to the audience, the magician will perform his "grand finale". Details are being kept under wraps, but it is believed to involve flowers, a rabbit, a hat and levitation.

The programme’s producers hope to publicise the story in book format and in a ten-part television series entitled "Son of God' Secrets - REVEALED". A friend of Mr Blaine denied that he was trying to outdo Jesus. "Jesus had the whole Bible thing, David has his book, but somehow I don't think it will be such a big seller," said Ernie Atom. "Besides, Jesus had the whole Son of God thing going for him. David's not quite at that stage yet!"

A spoketypeperson for Jesus said he was unavailable for comment, but did say "Happy Easter, One and All".

CASPER Technologies Ltd Bring Spiritualism into 21st Century!

The advances in information technology continues to cross all boundaries and gather increasing momentum, hardware providers Casper have launched a wireless Ouija board that connects to your PC.

A Casper source told DSS:

"We are always looking at palatial techno cognitive development and to be honest we thought everything had been done in the IT world until one of our staff saw his daughter and her Goth friends playing with a Ouija board and a glass. It all looked so 'last century' that he decided to develop a digital model".

As we know traditionally, séances involve organising a mutually convenient time for all parties involved to meet. In today's world of instant, finger- tip answers there is no place for cumbersome organisation and planning.

So as of today’s release of our wireless Ouija, users will be able to dabble in the 'black arts' from the comfort of their own homes, via web cams. "It is likely that 'séance conferencing' will be become the norm" mused the Casper source "We are hoping to release the updated version in mid- June 2009.

We're having difficulty with a glitch in the wireless receiving technology at the moment which is delaying progress; as we have discovered that the un-dead use the same frequency as our USB adapter so we are working on switching to a different one".

Breaking News from London appears to support the rumour that Madonna plans to adopt another small orphan from another war torn and divided city.

The London based solicitors for the multi millionairess pop icon, 'Ferret, Stoat and Weasel' have refused to either confirm or deny that Madonna has filed adoption papers in a Manchester courthouse in a bid to become the legal parent of Manchester City and England winger Sean Wright Phillips.

Blues manager Mark Hughes however is adamant that Sean is going nowhere.
"He is staying in Manchester where he belongs, he isn't for sale and as far as I know he's not even an orphan, I used to play football against his dad Wrighty " Hughes told reporters at Manchester City's training ground earlier today.

A spokestypeperson for Madonna admitted that she will be making a brief stop in Manchester on her way back to the USA after failing in her bid to adopt four year old Malawi girl 'Mercy James' but insists that the singer is merely stocking up on fresh 'Blood Pudding' from the ancient and historical 'Bury Market'.

It turns out that Madonna became an avid eater of the large black blood sausage known locally as 'Black Pudding' after a sell out gig at the aptly named "Gigg Lane Stadium" in July 1989.

Madge has often spoken of her desire for an English orphan preferably from Northern England and has been pictured on numerous occasions wearing flat caps in an apparent tribute to the founder of the UK’s Blood Sausage, the late Mr Bert Tatlock, a reclusive WW1 Veteran.

The fast food burger chain McDonald's has announced a surprising new move in an attempt to reverse its flagging fortunes at these difficult economical times. For the first time in the McDonalds long history, it is planning to serve food that people may actually want to eat.

Chief Executive Ronald McDonald explained the rationale behind the move. "I think we've taken the non-food idea as far as it can go. Previously we've managed to survive by constantly moving into new territories, so when one country discovers our food is crap, we can then move on to the next country. Unfortunately there's nowhere left to go now. We've got the Baghdad branch opening very shortly and that's about it".

Mr Ronald McDonald described how his people were looking forward to the new challenge. "Obviously we have no real experience of cooking decent food but I feel that some of the skills we do have will be transferable. We are very good at wearing caps which I'm sure is something we can carry forward and we have an endless supply of fixed grins which may well come in handy."

However, there are some changes that the staff are finding difficult to come to terms with. "The new terminology is causing us a few problems," explained one worker. "Terms like meat and fresh vegetables are not something the staff are familiar with. To avoid too many problems we're adapting some of the names to have a more familiar ring - something which is reflected in our new Mc-Meat and two Mc-Veg range".

Now whilst applauding McDonald's bold move, The Dead Synapses Society resident business analyst is not sure that the decision is a wise decision. "By branching out into actual food, they're going up against established players like restaurants and hotels," explained popular expert City Slicker Henry Fortiscue.

"You see McDonald's products have always been famous for having less nutritional value than the box they come in. People just don't identify McDonald's with food. I'm just not sure that the world is ready for a McDonald's meal you might actually want to eat."

Winning in style!
Jenson (29) led the stunning Jessica into his private room for a special post-race debriefing after clinching a magnificent victory in the Malaysian Grand Prix as the F1 season got its second race underway.

Here is how he had his perfect weekend:

10.10 am: Button drove over the finishing line in his Brawn GP car during a massive torrent of rain which had caused the race to shortened, in front of 105,000 spectators. Afterwards he roared: “I just can not believe it. It’s crazy no2 YES!" Jessica sat watching him on the big screens.

11.30 am: The Brit celebrated on the podium. It was only his third victory in 157 races after his first win in Hungary in 2006. He had been renowned as an unfulfilled talent - is that all about to change!
Button emptied a bottle of champagne over his team manager Ross Brawn (54) and cried “Ross, you're a legend!” Yet again.

Brawn said: “It is so nice to see my team smiling. If we win enough victories, then we might get the World Championship title!”

12.15 pm: The crew had a team meeting. Button, Brawn and their engineers analysed the victory. Jessica, meanwhile, was waiting in a white mini dress with a glass of champagne!

8pm: Finally the randy racer was done. “Where is my girlfriend?” Button asked his team. According to 'The Sun', his eyes were "only for Jessica."
The model ran to him and he picked her up grinning and carried her off to the team office - apparently for a saucy romp.

He shut the door, only to quickly open it again to throw out an employee.
8.15 pm: Button and Jessica reappeared ten minutes later, grinning from ear to ear.

Button told curious press and fans: “It got a bit steamy in there!”

Jessica told me: “He was so excited!” What exactly she is referring to is anyone’s guess...

Dear President Obama and his radical pals, whatever the problem is, it’s America’s fault. But its not is it?

There is a massive guilt trip going on here, therefore Obama believes that America must be held down and bled dry like Gulliver in Lilliput.

And since they can’t get their favourite policies enacted by Americans, they plan to consult other countries, letting them have a vote, and imposing those policies on Americans by treaty. It’s the classic case of the government dissolving the people and electing a new one, instead of vice versa.

Beyond this horrible treaty, USA are in for the fight of their lives to maintain the sovereignty the Founders fought to achieve. Sovereign means that USA rule themselves and decide for themselves.

It’s the most precious political gift ever given to a people by their forefathers–and these clowns mean to piss it all away for some utopian League of Nations pipe dream that has been tried and failed ever since the Tower of Babel.

If one is President Barack Obama, paying a formal visit with the first lady to our Queen Liz II at Buckingham Palace, as the Obamas did last week, what does one give her majesty?

One iPod, loaded to play.
 One rare songbook signed by Richard Rodgers.
Roll over Hammerstein, tell Tchaikovsky the news: This is a queen who has knighted the likes of Sir Elton John and Paul McCartney, so one wonders whether the iPod or the songbook got the first run.

Now, my spies tell me that the queen is believed to already own an iPod -- a 6 GB silver Mini version which she is "said to have bought in 2005 at the suggestion of Prince Andrew.''

But Obama's gift did come loaded with video footage and photographs of the queen's 2007 visit to Richmond, Jamestown and Williamsburg, Va.

In return, the queen gave the president a silver-framed signed photograph of herself and the Duke of Edinburgh - apparently a standard present for visiting dignitaries.

The word from an Obama aide on background that the president has provided the queen with a portable music player still begs the question: What else is in the shuffle?

Purple Haze perhaps?
No word yet from the palace as to whether the queen has tapped the playlist yet, or whether she likes her presidential iPod better than the one the prince got her to buy or better than Prime Minister Gordon Brown liked the boxed set of movie DVDs that the president gave the prime minister in Washington.

These people are the clowns of gift giving. Do they put any thought into anybody but themselves?

Grand National 2009

Often called the world's greatest steeplechase, The Grand National is one of the most famous steeplechases in the world. It is a unique test of horsemanship for the rider and also a test of a great significance for a horse.

The course is nearly two and a quarter miles in length and has 16 unique fences. However there have been significant calls for the BBC to screen Grand National after 9 o'clock watershed as horse names are naughtiest yet!

Grand National Latest Odds

A Bit On The Side 7/2
Do Doggy 4/1
Grab Me Shake Me 7/1
Bum is Best 7/1
Lou and Andy 9/1
Muff Of The Day 10/1
Whip Yer Willy Out 14/1
HedgeTrucker 16/1
Rampant Rabbit 16/1
Whip Me Again 20/1
Bugger He's Fallen Off 20/1
Hairy Beaver 25/1
Viagra Lust 28/1
Randy Bugger 30/1
General E-Licktion 40-1
Daily Labia 50-1
Labido Junction 66-1
Bite My Tail 100-1
Hold My Balls 100-1
Spanish Fly 150-1
Multi Orgasmic 150-1
“G” Is The Spot 200-1

250-1 Bar The Rest.

Islam has two allies here in the West - the Left and political correctness. The fight is with all three.

Do We Have A Glorious History, No?--Just re-write it then!

 Had Sir Francis Drake but known it, he could have squeezed in several extra games of bowls before sailing out to destroy the Spanish Armada.

According to equality chief Trevor Phillips, the Turks had the problem well in hand even before Drake insisted on finishing his match on Plymouth Hoe when the invaders were sighted.

Mr Phillips, who wants the nation's history books rewritten to make them more "inclusive" of other cultures, suggested last year that the role of Ottoman Muslims in 1588 in saving the throne of Queen Elizabeth was part of the "whole story" that often went untold.

It goes "untold" because it simply didn't happen.

"When we talk about the Armada, it is only now that we are beginning to realise that part of it is Muslims - actually it was the Turks who saved us because they held the Armada for a few weeks, on the request of Elizabeth I," he told a Labour conference fringe event.

"Let's rewrite that story let's use our heritage to rewrite that story so that it is truly inclusive.

Fuck! why not re-write the whole of British history and twist the facts to make Muslims part of it?

They may have a problem with the role of Wilberforce and the Royal Navy in ending slavery though...

"That's the reason for this: So that we have an identity which brings us together and binds us in the stormy times we're going to have."

You dishonest, slimy piece of dog excreta--the "stormy times" we're going to have are due to people who hate the identity of your culture has (well, what's left of it anyway) and what you're saying is that you want to see the little that's left handed over to the primitive goat-humpers on a platter. Why not bend over and beg 'em to do to you what they do to goats? *spit*

The head of the new Commission for Equality and Human Rights said it is not about rewriting what we are, "but sometimes we have to go back into the tapestry and insert some threads that were lost. We may need to revisit some parts of our heritage so we rewrite it to tell the whole story".

Tell the whole story about the "honour" killings and the radical imams and the vast army of primitive bastards who are living on welfare even as they destroy your culture--that's the only story that matters. You cowardly piece of shit.

But experts said inflating the importance of minor or irrelevant events in the interests of race relations is confusing to children.

And it was pointed out that the Royal Navy's account of the defeat of the Armada - carrying 10,000 sailors and 20,000 troops determined to reverse the Reformation - makes no mention of any help from the Turks. Even the suggestion that the Turks did nothing more than delay the Armada at the written request of Elizabeth is disputed.

The Civitas think-tank, which has republished the authoritative history “Our Island Story” by Henrietta Elizabeth Marshall, said the claim is "fantasy".

Robert Whelan, of Civitas, said: "Before we start weaving in stories about the Turks and the Armada, dreamt up by people with their own agenda, we should first ensure we get the basics right.

BBC News viewers and listeners around the world have reacted with outrage this morning to the news that a US plane has bombed the BBC's World Affairs Editor, John Simpson, yet again!

Mr Simpson received what was described as "minor" injuries; shrapnel wounds in his leg and a bleeding eardrum and is to continue working. He was travelling with a joint US-Iraqi convoy, of which at least 10 people were also killed.

Speaking live on BBC News 24 shortly after the attack he described "a scene from hell". A US para-medic tried to treat him while he was on air but he declined. He later apologised for being "excitable" as his eardrum was bleeding.

Mr Simpson is the longest serving news reporter for the Corporation and is regarded as something of a god among his legions of fans. Who are inevitably upset by the attack? One of them, DSS's editor Sir John, has been saying the word "bastards" repeatedly for the last hour and may now need something to calm him down.

According to Article 48 of the Geneva Convention, which all sides have agreed and signed up to, it is illegal to deliberately bomb the BBC's World Affairs Editor. The USAF has yet to comment officially on the bombing, but a source high in the chain of command told DSS that they did not deliberately target John Simpson. "We were aiming for the Iraqi convoy travelling south towards our forces," he said, adding: "What, they're on our side now? Shit."

Satire Blog the "Dead Synapses Society" this morning announced that it renounced satire, parody and news-related humour of all varieties at a surprise press conference. Speaking to a crowd of dishevelled and drunken journalists outside the gates of the Houses of Parliament, the site's editor, Sir John, said that his staff had developed "a conscience".

"Lets be honest making fun of the people in charge of our country and others is not big, it's not clever and it's not right," he ranted, foaming slightly at the mouth. "The President of the United States is not an imbecile. He is a very clever and intelligent man who deserves our full respect and praise, for carrying on with carefully-planned and morally justified wars against evil dictatorships who had threatened the very future of mankind."

So from tomorrow, the blog site will begin publishing articles heaping sickening praise on Messrs Obama, Brown, Hutton, Rumsfeld, Gates, General Abdul Qadir, and other government figures while pouring scorn on those who dare criticise them.

Including Nicolas Sarkozy, Dmitry Medvedev, Vladimir Putin, Anthony Ben, Robin Cook and Clare Short to name but a few. A series of special videos congratulating the men on their ethical foreign policies is to follow, many of which will be given away free as a gesture of thanks.

Sir John denies that the sudden shift in editorial policy will be detrimental to the site. "Our readers are 100% behind us in this change," he told the gathered press elite. "They, like us, have had a change of heart since the start of the war campaigns. Many of them have been seen crying openly in public at the sight of President Obama fudging his lines, especially at his inauguration. We know they back our politicians and they back us. I'm sure we can count on their support."

Sir John has invited anyone who disagrees with the change of policy to make a comment online.

At a joint Press Conference this morning outside No 10, US President Barack Obama and Saviour of the World Gordon Brown acknowledged that the discussions held by the most powerful nations distorted the balance of power in the world. And that it was important for nations with a smaller bank balance to have influence on global decisions.

Messiah Brown said, "It is right and fair that those nations which do not wield fiscal power still have a significant and fair voice in global issues, in the interests of right and fairness. Obviously this is doubly important because Britain will soon be bankrupt and therefore it is only right and fair that we still get a voice in the world, because we used to own most of it".

President Obama explained, "in future, all summits of this nature will be called G-190 Summits, and will feature the head of state of every nation. Except Iran. And probably Zimbabwe, though I think Robert may be able to offer Gordon and I some good advice on quantitative easing. So it's G-190. Oh, hang on, Gordon doesn't like Angela Merkel because she refuses throw money at things. So it's G-189, and that's final".

This new format is expected to introduce some complexities and extra cost to the summit process, so the next G-190. . .189. . 187 Summit is not expected to take place until 2050, and is anticipated to cost at least £15bn.