The Dead Synapses Society

Edinburgh, Scotland - Researchers at the University of Edinburgh now have compelling evidence linking two personality types: 'Pricks' and 'Jerks'.

Previously, the connection between these two types of behaviours was grossly underestimated. But new testing methods have shed light into regions that now allow scientists to more accurately map the slight variations within these and other personality disorders.

"The fact is that no two Pricks are alike. Just as no two Jerks are alike.The same goes with Assholes. But we are seeing many more commonalities. The difference between a true 'Jerk', 'Prick' and 'Asshole' is mainly minor nuance," said Lead Research Analyst, Humphrey Bumboner. "The most striking thing, however, is that these traits appear to run in families. So the evidence points to a genetic component."

When asked what he thought about the new study, one man (pictured above) said this:

"Get the bleep out of ma face, you bleeping bleep before I stick your bleep pen up your bleep arse!"

Magistrates at Towyn Magistrates Court, North Wales had found Welsh wife Bronwyn Jones guilty of serving her husband an Indian meal composed of excrement.
But instead of sending the evil woman to Jail, a silly female Welsh Judge admonished and released her.

Mrs Jones claimed that for years she had suffered abuse at the hands of her husband Aberthol Jones, including leaving the toilet seat up, hiding the tv remote and on one occasion not replacing the cap on the toothpaste. This had driven her nuts, said her defence advocate, MR HenBeddestyr Blodwyn, and she decided to get revenge. She therefore cooked up a curry for her husband and garnished it with her own faeces.

After her husband started to eat it, Mrs Jones apparently began laughing at him. Her second advocate, Mr. Penvro Gallanagh, said it was just like an episode of Desperate Housewives.

Appeal Court Judge Abertha Davies chuckled at the evidence and at one point stopped Mrs Jones to ask her for her recipe. At the end of the case, she told Mrs Jones:

"Although you are guilty, I am admonishing you, so you are free to go home."

Asked what she would be cooking next for her husband, Mrs Jones told reporters:

"A Cachu con Carnie."

Cachu is the Welsh word for "shit".

Legal analysts in England say that the case demonstrates just how uncivilized, lawless and dirty most Welsh folk are. One leading barrister added:

"I am surprised at the judge's decision. She was probably having PMS at the time and didn't understand the evidence."

David swung open the door and stepped back as two young girls wearing Burberry style tracksuits and baseball caps minced into his porch.

"Trick or treat, mate!" chorused the girls in an aggressive South East London whine.

"What?" asked David.

"Trick or treat," they repeated. "It's 'alloween, innit. Gissa treat or..."

David raised his eyebrows inquiringly. "Or what?"

"We'll trick ya," said the younger girl with a practiced sneer.
He looked her up and down, his eyes lingering on her bare belly and the lurid, red thong poking out of the top of her baggy, tracksuit bottoms.

"You being?"

"Me mate Stacey 'n' me," said the older girl, stepping out of the shadows.
David glanced theatrically up and down the darkened street.
"No army of witches and warlocks to back you up then?"

"Dontcha take da piss outta Jordan," said Stacey, "Or we'll trick ya."
"So what 'tricks"... he paused to stare distastefully at the logos plastered all over their shapeless, plastic clothes..."would a twelve-year-old chav know?"

"Frig off.......I'm fifteen!" shouted Stacey, "an' Jordan's nearly sixteen. An' there's nuffink wrong wit chavs, innit, Jord?"

"Bit old for Halloween then, aren't you?" David said. "So where are your pumpkins, broomsticks and comical Friday the Thirteenth masks?"

"Chavs don't wear no grungin' Goth tat," said Stacey with a curl of her cherry-red lips. "But Jordan's got some mint 'alloween earrings. You show 'im babe."

Jordan pulled off her Von Dutch cap and shook out a mane of blond hair to reveal the six-inch diameter golden pumpkins dangling from her ears. "Quali'ee, ain't they?"

"Yes, very nice," said David. "But I prefer the little golden broomstick in your friend's belly button. Nice touch that. Goes with the nipple rings, I imagine."

"Y'wot?" said Stacey pulling up her Tommy Hilfiger top. "Me tits aint big eno ere, you dissin me, mate?" she asked.
"Do I need to?"

"Gonna gissa treat or wot?" she demanded sulkily.
"That depends on what tricks you can do."
"Y'wot?" they chorused.

"Well, what do Chavs usually do for a couple of Stellas and a packet of fags?"
"Y' dirty ol' man," said Stacey.
"Dat y' posh Beemer parked out front?" asked Jordan.
"Why?" asked David.
"Y' wouldn't want it damaged, would ya?"
"Frankly, I couldn't care less."
"Y'wot?" they chorused.

"Yer, well..." muttered Jordan, unabashed, "We could do you easy, Stace 'as a mingin' knife, you show 'im babe."
Stacey's hand was halfway inside her white, Nicholson jacket, when David jumped forward and grabbed her arm and twisted it viciously up her back.

"Fuckin' 'ell!" she complained, as he relieved her of a small penknife and threw it into the garden. "Dat cost me ten quid."

"Nah it ditn't, Stace, y' blagged it off Karl for a BJ, remember?"

Stacey's reply was lost as David shoved his tongue into her unresisting mouth, unzipped her jacket and slid his hands underneath her top. "Mmm, no tits, but your nipples are rock hard. Must be cold out."

"Y' dirty ol' man..." she complained, but made no attempt to remove his hands from her bra. She lurched drunkenly towards him as his fingers wandered into her tracksuit bottoms and began drawing little grunts from her throat.
"Have you been drinking?" he asked after she finally withdrew her tongue.

"We may 'ave 'ad a few Stellas and done some spliff 'fore we come aht, why?" asked Jordan.
"Because little Stacey's pissed out of her head and tastes like a bloody distillery. "Tell you what, girls, I'll be your trick and you can give me a treat."

"Frig off!" said Stacey, tearing herself away from him. "I aint doing you for nuffink an' I aint drunk!"
"Y'wot?" said Jordan.

"Show me a trick," repeated David, "and I might give you two lovely chavs a treat you won't forget in a hurry."

"ang on a minute, Stace," said Jordan. "e's a pretty fit lookin' ol' geezer. I'd do 'im if da price is right."
"Y'wot?" said Stacey.

"That's the ticket," said David, drawing Jordan inside. "You girls wouldn't want to pass up the chance to earn a few bob, now would you?"

Stacey stuck out her tongue and wriggled it provocatively. "Y' dirty ol' man," she giggled. "Fancy little girls do ya?"
"I fancy you, you gorgeous little chav..." said David huskily, running his hands down her narrow, boyish hips and into her tracksuit bottoms. She slouched back against the wall indifferently, letting his fingers travel down between her skinny legs; her false eyelashes veiling the cunning look in her baby blue eyes.

"Wot y' gonna gis us then?" she asked slyly, tightening her thighs around his hand and grinding her crotch against his.
"What's on offer? "David asked. Her answer was to lift her top up and pull her bra down. She thrust her immature breasts toward him.

"Come on then u cop a propa feel, mate!" she taunted.

"Leave it aht, ya randy slag," said Jordan. She dragged Stacey across the threshold and kicked the door shut behind them.

"So what tricks do you sexy little chavs know?" asked David?

"You're a cheeky bugger, aintcha, mate!" laughed Jordan. She slipped off her RocaWear Sheen Bomber Jacket and tossing her Burberry cap onto a coat hook, followed the man into a spacious, luxuriously furnished lounge.

"Fuckin' ell!" exclaimed Stacey, as she caught sight of the twelve-speaker Home Entertainment system and back projection TV that filled the opposite wall. Then she grabbed a heavy, gold bracelet lying on a coffee table. "Is dis 18 carat?" Her blue eyes widened to the size of saucers as she took in the wall-to-wall cocktail bar, X-Box game console and stack of pink and blue iPod nano's piled on top of the multi-region DVD recorders.
"Dis gear all yours, is it?"

David nodded.

"Got a fag?" she asked.

"Help yourself," said David, "They're on the bar. Get yourselves a drink too, if you want, girls."
"Safe!" she shrieked, grabbing the packet and lighting up. "Vodka, Jord?"
"Yeah, mint, babe. Jus' gis da bottle."

"Got any Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent or Beyoncé, mate?" asked Stacey, rifling through the stack of CD's next to the expensive HiFi centre.

"Snoop who?" asked David.

"Got any spliff?" asked Jordan.
"Spliff?" asked David.

"Never mind. Wanna treat?"
"I thought you'd never ask."

Jordan giggled as she put down the empty vodka bottle and tugged her Republic polo shirt over her head. "Come 'ere then."

"Nice," he said, running his hands over her full breasts and swollen belly. "Pregnant?"
"Yeah..." she said proudly, as she sprawled on the sofa. "Five months. Be a mate for little Chardonnay."
"Chardonnay?"

"Me other kid, innit."

"Fuckin' hell, mate!" exclaimed Stacey, as she picked up a bunch of car keys with a Ferrari key fob. "Y' got a Ferrari?"

"Yup, two actually," said David, dragging Jordan's Nike tracksuit bottoms down her legs.
"You must be fuckin' loaded, innit!"

"Well...I don't know about loaded," laughed David, "but I'm packing a sizeable weapon."
"Y'wot? I thought you was big when y' was 'umpin' me leg," chortled the little chav, rushing over and dropping to her knees to unzip the David's trousers with practised skill.
"Now just a minute..." said Jordan.

"Quali'ee!" exclaimed Stacey, plunging her little hands into his bulging boxers, "Dat fing'd choke me!"

"Not where I'd like to put it," laughed David.

Stacey had her Tommy Hilfiger top off and was tugging at David's boxers when Jordan grabbed her arm.
"Now 'ang on a fuckin' minute, babe. Wot's innit for us?"

"The five hundred quid I'd like to stuff into your mate's knickers," said David.
"Safe!" squealed Stacey, wriggling out of her tracksuit bottoms.

"Nice," said David. "Your thong I mean. Didn't know Asda made them with 'Virgin territory' on the crotch. So are you?"
"Depends..." pouted Stacey, teasing down her thong to expose her neatly-trimmed landing strip. "Gonna gis us some iPods?"

"As many as you like," said David. "Here have some more vodka."

She grabbed the bottle and swigged greedily while he kissed her belly and breasts.

"Fuckin' 'ell babe," shrieked Jordan, making a grab for the man's bulging wallet, "I'll 'ave some o' that!"
She dropped to her hands and knees like the obedient chav slut she was and slid her knickers down her legs. Stacey collapsed onto the sofa, her lipstick smeared and her mouth hanging slackly open; her baby blue eyes stared hungrily at the money in the man's wallet. He pushed her bra up around her neck and began to lick her erect nipples as he rubbed her wet crotch. "Uhh...quali'ee," she squealed, "I'm gonna make you so fuckin' 'appy mate."

She buried her face in Davids lap and spread her skinny thighs wide apart as he began to stuff bundles of twenty pound notes into her thong. Her voice was slurred and shrill as she glanced slyly up at him. "Y' wanna..uh...put those in me bag mate...uhh...before I cum all over 'em," she moaned.

"Ain'tcha takin' yer trainers off, babe?" asked Jordan.

"Y'wot?" said Stacey. "An' 'ave someone nick me Nikes?"

Twenty minutes later they staggered drunkenly outside and were weaving their way down the next street when Stacey suddenly stopped and pulled down her tracksuit bottoms.

"Fuck it!" she exclaimed, as she fiddled with her thong. "I fink there must've been an 'ole in dat fing coz there's dis funny white stuff running down me legs."

"Ya stupid slag. 'Da geezer chucked it after 'e done me. Ya 'ave got da five hundred 'e give us, right?"
"Yeah, cause I 'ave. 'e put in me ba whaaa...frigin' 'ell!"
"Y'wot?"
"Me iPods is gone!"
"Wot's dat?" asked Jordan, pulling wads of paper out of Stacey's handbag.
"Whaaa...fuckin' ell!" shrieked Stacey. "It's Monopoly money 'e must've switched it when I was gettin' dressed."
"Fuckin' 'ell!" they chorused together as the brightly coloured notes fluttered to the ground.

"D'y 'member wot 'ouse it was?" asked Stacey.
"Nah too pissed, babe. D'you?"
"Nah...Fink I'm gonna be sick...Jord."
Stacey vomited heavily onto the pavement.
"Mind me fuckin' Rockports!" shouted Jordan.
"Fuck it..." snivelled Stacey, sliding her dripping thong down her legs. "Ya got any o' dem mornin' after pills?"
"Yeah..at 'ome, innit."
"It's started to rain, said Stacey. "Ya got da cab fare back to da estate, Jord?"
"Yeah, in my ba frigin' 'ell!"
"Y'wot?"
"Da bastard nicked me purse!"

"Fuckin' 'ell!" they chorused together as the rain hammered down in torrents on their designer baseball caps.

Heir to the throne Prince Harry has revealed the reason behind his tormented childhood claiming that his life changed for the worse after wandering into a palace bathroom only to find him self confronted by a naked Queen Liz sitting on the toilet.

"It was Christmas morning and as a child I was full of beans and very excited" Harry claimed in a BBC exclusive "and I remember running down the hallway and bursting into the bathroom and there she was in all her glory"

Being confronted by his naked grandmother sitting on the toilet sipping a gin and tonic, whilst smoking a cigarette was a catalyst says Harry for an unhappy childhood with the sight of any half opened door bringing back the chilling memories of a stark us Queen.

"It hits me all of a sudden" he said "Anytime I'm walking somewhere whether it be at home or away and I see a door ajar I can't help but wonder if there's a naked old lady behind it"

Experts believe the fixation on old women has stayed with Harry throughout his life to date and may have an everlasting effect on his future decision making.

Although being kept under a veil of secrecy the interview is said to reveal many more aspects of Williams childhood moments. Including the time he walked in on Prince Edward masturbating and the time he caught his father doing something strange with a pogo stick to Camilla.

According to a member of the Jackson family who we only know as Janet and who asked us not to give out her name.
Michael has allegedly been in talks with Elvis Presley of Memphis who has agreed to do a one off special which will be broadcast worldwide at sometime over Christmas.

This has obviously shocked millions of people worldwide as they thought Elvis was dead but it seems that he just wanted a break and that Michael, 51 of California faked his death because he didn't want to do the concerts that were planned for London.

Jesus Christ and Johnny Cash are also rumoured to be involved in the biggest comeback tour in history. The tour has not yet been named and locations have as of yet not been confirmed.

However the California Fraud Squad want to speak with Michael Jackson over allegations that he has committed a fraudulent activity in faking his death and also questions will be raised as to who was removed from Michaels rented home on June 25th 2009.

Research Scientists have discovered glacier mints are getting smaller.
Fox's Glacier Mints have a history which dates back to 1918. The mints were developed by Eric Fox, one of the founders of the Fox's Confectionery business. The sweets quickly established themselves as a favourite amongst consumers of all ages and today still have a strong, loyal and established customer base.

The enjoyable mints, wrapped with a drawing of (Peppy) the polar bear standing on an iceberg, are likely to disappear altogether within 25 years unless drastic action is taken, according to glacial experts.
"At this rate, the polar bear or the fox will drown," one scientist admitted. "These little mints are glacier thin. It's heartbreaking really."

The news follows revelations that chocolate bars are getting smaller due to rising cocoa prices.
"The simple fact is that most of the chocolate in the world has been mined already," a spokesperson admitted. "We are going back to old mines but it is becoming a lot more expensive to get the stuff out of the ground.

"This is the polo mint all over again. Few can remember a time before the hole."

Good old Scottish Singing Superstar Susan Boyle had just sung the Rolling Stones classic ballad, "Wild Horses" she was standing outside her dressing room signing autographs when Granny Jones walked by.

The Washington State Grand Mother looked at Boyle and made an unkind remark. When Boyle asked her to repeat it, Grandma Jones asked her if there was something wrong with her hearing.

Boyle threw down the autograph book she was signing and walked over to where Grandma Jones was standing.
Susan got in her face and said that she sure had a big fat mouth on her. Granny Jones puckered out her lips about six or seven times and then replied "I've got a big fat mouth all right and it sure does go real good with your big fat fanny don't it."

Boyle screamed at the top of her Scottish lungs that she was nothing but an uneducated, white trash, hillbilly, and backwoods old hag. Grandma Jones shot back that she was not uneducated as she had gone all the way through the ninth grade before she had to quit school to go work in a grapefruit deseeding factory.

Grandma Jones said that Boyle looked like a senior-citizen version of a cabbage patch doll. Boyle put her hands on her hips and replied that Grandma Jones looked like Mick Jagger in a dress, and a damn ugly-as-hell dress at that.

As for Susan Boyle, her song "Wild Horses" has already sold one million copies and plans are in the works to turn it into a movie starring Donnie and Marie Osmond.

"Look I'm the Prime Minister and yes I do lie."

"The Governments policy on immigration is a failure that is fact which is now accepted by us."
"However Britain must not have controlled immigration. We need at least 120,000 immigrants a year just to fill low-paid jobs to look after us in our old age."

"World trade is good for corporations and shareholders living standards."

"In GM crops I can find serious evidence of health risks."

"Let me tell you why I say I am a threat that has to be dealt with. I have continued the war on terror allowing our brave service men and women to be killed and mutilated all in the name of Democracy!"

"I do want war (because it makes me feel like a man). I do want to believe that everyone in this house wants war."
"Our weapons of mass destruction programme is active, detailed and growing. The policy of containment is not working. Our WMD programme is not shut down; it is up and running now... The intelligence picture is extensive, detailed and authoritative."

"There has been a real concerted effort on our part to exaggerate the intelligence we get."
"We are the ally of the US because they are powerful, and because we value our shares... the US is a source for funding."

"There is no intelligence evidence about linkages between members of AL-Qaida and people in Iraq."
"More teachers, more nurses, more police, more and more taxes. That is what you get from a Labour Government."

"Removing Saddam was a blessing to both the US and Israel… I hope the Iraqi people hear this message. We are with you."
"We shall help Iraq and Afghanistan move toward democracy. And put the money from Iraqi oil in a US trust fund so that it benefits us and no-one else."

"The point of our politics is to exercise power for the good of the politicians".
"My nation... takes enormous pride in our alliance (Britain and America's) and great affection in our common military might."

"We are fighting for domination; we are fighting for an American Lead World."

"I read the anti-war sites and listen to the protesters and I realise that they haven't a clue, or worse, I just don't give a damn."

"Those who say migration is out of control… are simply right."

"Our borders are now less secure than they have ever been."

"We did lie. We did make up the intelligence. We did insert things into the dossier against the advice of the intelligence services".

"I don't want to concentrate on what I believe to be the world's greatest environmental challenge: climate change."
"This terrorism is our fault. We did cause it. It is the consequence of our foreign policy."

"You will live in a police state, a Big Brother society."

"30 million people now come to Britain every year… yet we have no means of checking who is here lawfully." (Contradiction!)

"We won't negotiate a withdrawal from the EEC... which has drained our natural resources and destroyed jobs."
"I wouldn't expect ministers in any government I lead to resign if they lied to parliament."
"We will establish a Royal Commission to work out an un-fair system for funding long-term care for the elderly.
We are not committed to an independent inspection or regulation service for residential homes."

"We have betrayed Britain's pensioners. We have forced thousands of pensioners to sell their homes to pay for long-term care enough is enough. Pensioners deserve better than that."

"Mine WAS the first generation able to contemplate the possibility that we may live our entire lives without going to war or sending our children to war."

"Our goal: to make Britain the worst educated least skilled country in the world... every single part of our schools system must be modernised to achieve it. Nearly 40 per cent of 11 year olds can't read, write or add up properly. We are currently 42nd in the world education league. This is our scandalous legacy not just of 12 years of our Government but of a Labour Government often content to educate the elite and ignore education for all. No education, no education, no education."

"Under our proposals, all parents will have to pay more. No low income families will be entirely exempt from tuition fees."

"We will not bring our government's policy of forcing schools to sell off playing fields to an end."

Trust me, you know it makes sense!

This morning I watched Serena Williams take her seat at a table covered in microphones at a press conference she had called to explain her unsportsmanlike comments to a tennis courtside umpire at the U.S. Open earlier this week. Then she went off on one again, "In fact, why don't you F-[Bleeped] assholes tell me what the F-[Bleeped] happened, huh? You're the god F-[Bleeped] media. When I read that crap you guys call news, then I'll know what F-[Bleeped] happened."

Ms Williams then got up from her seat and stormed out of the press conference dragging and throwing chairs as she left.

Just a few minutes later, just as the cavalcade of sport reporters were leaving, Serena Williams returned to the room in a much calmer state.

"OK I'm sorry," said Serena Williams as she sat back down at the table, pouring herself a glass of ice water. "Usually I'm a mild-mannered person. Y-all know that! Hey am I F-[Bleeped] saint right? Well, I asked you a question you dumb mother F-[Bleeped]!"

Serena Williams got up again and turned over the table with the microphones and then proceeded to charge at the collective media pool of sport writers, swinging her tennis racket at them along the way.

"OK Yeah, I talked some crap, even shit courtside," said John McEnroe, former U.S. Open champion, as he reflected on his days as a professional tennis player from his home in an interview by satellite phone. "But nothing like that Man.

I mean I didn't threaten to shove a tennis ball down an umpire or judge's throat or anything."
Mr McEnroe went on to say that it is unfair of the media to draw a comparison between Serena Williams' ranting rave and his bad boy behaviour on the court.

"It's a right crock," said Mr McEnroe. "She deserves all the credit. I just wish I had thought of it first. Can you imagine if I did? I'd be more famous than I am already!"

Then suddenly, Serena Williams stopped dead in her tracks just as she had all the sport writers huddled in a corner. Unable to speak because they all had green fuzzy tennis balls stuck in their throats, they all just sat there on the floor shaking in fear and anticipation of what was about to happen to them next.

Then slowly lowering her tennis racket that was bent out of shape, dripped with blood and covered with various coloured strands of human hair, Serena Williams spoke in a soft and gentle voice once again.
"You know what," She said, as she turned and made her way back to the over turned table, placing all the microphones back on top. "Can we start this press conference over again? I just feel we got off on the wrong foot!"

There was a an amazing new twist in the World Athletics Hermaphrodite Scandal this evening, when England Striker Wayne Rooney revealed that he, too, is a hermaphrodite.

Rooney, 23, claims that he is approximately 65% male and 30% female, with the other 5% as yet unknown. The former Everton and now Manchester United star says he has always been very much 'in touch with his feminine side', and has his wife's full support.

This new revelation, however, is sure to cause controversy in the football world, as only men are able to play in the Champions League, where he has played and won with Manchester United, although many players in the Champions League could reasonably be called 'pansies' or even “Eduardo.”

Rooney's wife, Coleen, is expected to make a statement about her own hermaphroditic state next week.
She doesn't like being left out of anything.

Small children all over the UK and Animal activists all over the world were today mourning the sad loss of cute little chimpanzee Joey who was fatally shot at approximately 10 am this morning.

Joey and fellow chimp Rocco, reported to be members of the militant "Equality for Primates Underground Movement" were reported to have tunnelled out of their cage at London Zoo during the early hours of this morning armed with sharpened twigs and 9mil Sub Machine Guns.

A keeper managed to recapture the younger chimp Rocco, using the old "Can I see your passport, please?" trick but Joey didn't fall for it and ran away.

Joey was later shot 5 times in the head by 14 armed policemen while boarding a tube at Fulham Broadway and was found not be carrying a gun. British armed response officers do not carry animal tranquiliser darts due to it being 5p per annum more expensive than bullets.

Eye Witness Sylvia Bastardo travelling from Chelsea to Wimbledon stated, "One minute he was sat on my knee eating a banana and looking out the window, the next he was splattered all over the floor."
However, a police spokesperson later stated, "He could've been carrying anything under that fur coat. We had to assume the worst particularly after reports came in from a drunken student that the monkey was carrying a Sub Machine Gun."

The Metropolitan Police Chief is said to be devastated over the killing as due to special British Laws the murder of an immigrant in circumstances such as these will usually result in a cover-up, whilst the murder of a cute fluffy animal merits a full public enquiry.

"Thank God we didn't gun down a little bunny rabbit on the tube in front of witnesses," commented one armed response force officer.

London Zoo has just released the following statement," The dead monkey was particularly old, ugly and unpopular, not in the least bit cute and highly likely to slaughter civilians en masse due to being a hardened criminal."

This afternoon American President Barack Obama announced that he received a secret briefing giving details that Princes Zara Phillips has been feeling moist for Prince Harry for a very long time and is asking if Prince Harry was interested in her.

Zara is said to be luring Harry with her un-torn virtues.

The President complains that in the past too many royals in line to the thrown have desired to bestow birth to Kings produced as the result of incestuous relationships.

The President of the United States then yanked out a long list of cousins who have married into the royal family, producing what he calls "the twin paradox" because they all look similar. The list starts with Diana and continues from there.

Zara's mother Princess Anne was asked by reporters what she thought about the American President's opinion of Zara's sexual desires.

Princess Anne replied to reporters that she did not agree with absurd opinions. The Princess then said, "Zara is a young woman and needs a macho, cavalry type, red headed man with an elongated worldly experience to help guide her through life." The Princess also added that the passion in such a marriage would never end due to the fact it is seen as illegal.

Gordon Brown the Prime Minister, in the defence of the royal family, added to the media coverage by saying "It is well known the royals have always desired children of a pure royal lineage."

An alternative new option for woman who are experiencing their periods is raising eyebrows all over the UK. World wide sex toy maker, Inside Fantasies Plc. Are releasing a vibrating tampon applicator in time for this years Christmas celebrations. DSS have been informed that the aim of the product is to offer all women a much more pleasant alternative to the present, boring applicators.

“We feel it was a long time coming, no pun intended”, said Inside Fantasies Plc. CEO Justin Ramsbottom. “Now women everywhere can actually enjoy their menstrual cycle.”

While this may seem a bit unorthodox, Dr. William Hardmans of the Woman’s Genital Foundation Clinic, located in Romsey Hampshire said, “In all truth, a woman’s menstrual cycle can be one of the most enjoyable times for sexual activity.” While a bit messy, it is perfectly safe and can be rather enjoyable.”

Most of the woman we interviewed seem to be completely open to the opportunity of having fun with their menstrual cycle. “I used to dread that time of the month, now I actually look forward to it!” says Alexia Stuart of Southend on Sea, “I tried out the prototype of this product during my recent period and had like 29 orgasms in one day!”

The product is designed to look both stylish and very trendy, measuring in at just over 4 inches; the applicator is powered by two small hearing aid type batteries but can be linked to an MP3 Player and is completely waterproof.

The device is manufactured to reach its optimal size inside the woman when the woman climaxes. So to all the woman of the world, your time has finally come.

Recent research published this morning in “Libido Magazine” states that People in the over 60s age group are now more sexually active than their younger counterparts.

More than 95% of those interviewed during the study confessed to having had an extramarital affair whilst they had been drawing their pensions, whilst nearly a third claimed to have taken part in a 'threesome'.

One woman, Marian Floozy, of the Frozen North West, said:

"I'm 68, but that doesn't stop me. I'm at it like a rabbit every night!"

Another, Doris Arkwright, 73, from Burnley, Lancs, choked by cigarette smoke, said:

"I get all randy about six thirty after me tea. I mention to me husband about making sure he 'doesn't leave the backdoor unlocked', and that's all he needs. That's unless it's a Sunday. We usually wait until after Songs of Praise."

Analysts claim that sex amongst the old and infirmed can be a good thing, and can even prolong life.

Dr Adam Bruffen of the “Elderly Edge Sex Institute” near Coventry, said:

"There's nothing wrong with it as long as Grandad is careful once Grandma hits the high notes!"

Viraerusticus) more commonly referred to as “The Ginga Virus” which causes hair to turn red has today been confirmed as being rampant. The normal 3.751% proportion of the population who are redheaded has spiralled to a now 70% plus here in the UK. Exact figures could be very much higher as many do not admit to using Hair Dye.

A spokesperson for Green Peace said, “A decrease in the ozone layer has meant that normal regulatory environmental controls which keep the virus in check have now disappeared. It has long been known that the "default" colour for human hair is red. Over thousands of years mutations from red have evolved, the virus however strips away the colour from hair leaving it in its "natural" base colour.”

At a hastily arranged news conference this morning the Secretary of State for Health the Rt. Hon Alan Johnson MP.
Stated that there is no need for panic, “after all the Danes are predominantly red headed and apart from a little light rape and pillage many centuries ago, are pretty much like you and me".

Environmental groups, concerned by the tenfold increase in sales of hair dye products, have urged the British public to "embrace their redness". An intensive TV campaign starts soon with the theme "Ginga is Cool!"