The Dead Synapses Society

A website that was set up to help parents with Christmas shopping has left thousands of little children distraught.

Santas-List.biz.co.uk is a price comparison site with a difference.

Parents can set it up providing a few details, such as email address, a maximum present price and a maximum number of presents. Their children can then go on the site and add their Christmas List, under the guise that they are writing their list on-line to Santa himself.

The site uses Hayekian Heuristics to turn what the child enters into something that can be searched through hundreds of on-line retailers to find the cheapest in-stock items. This list is then emailed to the parent.

"Generally," said co-founder Nicolas Pressy, "we've had great reviews back from parents, who have called us a mini-Christmas miracle."

Problems started when a disgruntled employee at the company left a so-called Easter Egg in the website that nobody found during the testing phase of the site.

An animated character sits in the top corner of the site, giving genial comments to the children. Generally, this is merely a series of child-friendly encouragements such as "Oh my, that's a lovely present you've chosen" and "If you want that present, you'd best be extra especially nice to your parents".

Clicking the figure however, was something not one adult using the site thought to do.

When the Santa figure is clicked, it brings up what at first looks like a standard 404-Page Not Found error.

However, instead of Page Not Found, the following message was displayed:

404: The Person you are looking for does not exist

It goes on to explain that Santa is a parental ruse a red herring a LIE!

This sudden reality check is what has left thousands of children here in the UK requiring counselling.

Santas-List.biz.co.uk promise to have it fixed soon. Meanwhile, the site has been taken down.

Music Tel Boy, 45, is set to play solo on the Isle of Wight, on 16 June next year, writes Min Singe-Lumpiest, Pantomime Dame Correspondent.

The announcement by Tel Boy's camp manager Everard Tallboy was issued to the media yesterday.

The limp-wristed ageing snapdragon is due to play with himself in a number of unusual and isolated UK locations next year.

Tel Boy, 45, is currently in Tangiers on a Mincing & Flouncing For Raddled Old Widow Twankey-Look-a-Likes course, and is booked on a Creative Masturbation & Ego-Cultivation weekend in Los Angeles when that is over.

The Isle of Wight will be the only place where the Tel Boy who does not , resemble Eddie Izzard's Transgendered Maiden Aunt on Acid in the village production of the Rocky Horror Show, will play with himself alone.

The other performances - in Hurstpierpoint, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Knaresborough, Cromarty and Budleigh Salterton - will see Music Tel Boy, play with himself in front of the band as usual. "In these performances, Tel Boy, will begin by playing with himself in front of the band," explained Tel Boy's aspidistra, distemper and hosiery manager Ivor Harden. Then, the band will play with themselves in front of Tel Boy, 91.

Finally, the final finale of the performances will see the Christmas Bop Man emulate himself as he plays himself to a climax while his band also play with themselves to a collective band climax, at the same time as Tel Boy, and his band, also play with each other to multiple crescendos. These will be truly seminal scenes."

The Isle of Wight performance, however, will see the solo ugly sister do his stuff quite alone. "Tel Boy, has secured a room for a week at the Three Strangled Bishops pub in Brighstone", Everard Tallboy told me yesterday. "It turns out that his Uncle Johnny John stayed there on holiday in the 1960s, so the place has special significance for Tel Boy,"

As well as having a nostalgic charge for slap-plastered old plonker Music Tel Boy, 98, this arrangement is great news for the Isle of Wight.

Back of the Wight tourism officer Irma Van Kerr was quite gushing about the prospect, yesterday. "This is a fantastic coup for Brighstone, Back of the Wight, and indeed the Isle in general", she ejaculated late yesterday. "To have a mega-dame like Music Tel Boy, 99, playing with himself in our locality can only be a boon.

Landlord of the Three Strangled Bishops, Willie Pullein, was excited at the prospect. "We are really excited", he spouted very late yesterday. "Even the chambermaid can hardly wait to wash Tel Boy's sheets.

We know all about his Uncle Johnny John. He came here in 1965 and again in '67, in his yellow Ford Anglia, and spent his days visiting our island obelisks, such as St Catherine's Oratory (The Pepper Pot), the Tennyson Monument at Freshwater and the Longstone at Mottistone.

"After a hard day looking at all these ancient erections, Johnny John liked nothing better than a hot bath and some quiet time in his room playing with himself."

Eire – Dublin (The Irish Times) – Significant biological and medical research focusing on the work of British mathematician, Albert Tatlock MBE, suggests that his theories may explain why women live longer on average than men.

Said Dr. Connor "Sweet Release" O'Deeth of The County Waterford Clinic: "We were studying the science of the body all these years when we should have been studying the science of warfare."

"While it's true that the number of men and women in the world is fairly equal, the fact is that women have far better 'firepower' for lack of a better word. Any bloke who is married knows what I am talking about."

"In our case we looked at Tatlock’s equations assuming both 'aimed fire' and 'unaimed fire'. We ran approximately one-thousand simulations of each, and in every case the women out-survived the men."

"Of course none of this research applies to my own struggle-and-strife (wife). You're bloody lovely, Dear..." said the good doctor.

Music Tel Boy has berated TV song contests after turning down the chance to become a judge on American Idol.

In a recent interview he singled out The X Factor for churning out uninspiring acts that all sounded the same. However, that didn't stop him from authorising the use of his back catalogue for the upcoming ITV Christmas Special. He later threatened to call in his lawyers after Louis Walsh described Wagner Carrilho as a "young Tel Boy".

In a shock result, "Serial Killer Eyes" Aiden Grimshaw looked stricken as he found himself in the bottom two alongside permanent resident Katie Waissel, while bomb-proof Brazilian Wagner sailed through to the next round.

Wagner however, was furious after his grand entrance was ruined because the planned fairytale carriage was too heavy for the stage. Backstage staff placated him by promising him he could dress up as Father Christmas if he made the finals, complete with a couple of dancers on his knee.

The X Factor judges were in uproar as usual, with Dannii Minogue snapping her fingers in Louis Walsh's face whenever he spoke. Cheryl Cole tried to draw the spotlight to herself with a bizarre Princess Leia hairstyle made from two Bath buns, as Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell bickered aimlessly like Fraudley Harrison and I Bet in the 3rd Round David Haye.

Challenged by Dannii to name the members of his act, Simon responded: "Hmm. Happy Dopey, Ropey, Sneezy, and, er - Leona."

Poor little Aiden lost out to teflon Katie despite goose-stepping round the stage in an anguished rendition of "Rocket Man". He was later found in a local pub with Matt Cardle, staring into a beer and keeping away from sharp objects.

London: - (Buckingham Palace): Singer Music Tel Boy will entertain wedding guests at Prince William and Kate Middleton’s reception at Windsor Castle on a date to be announced during April 2011.

Music Tel Boy has been booked on Kate's insistence and will be singing a mixed medley including Love Is All Around, Smooth Criminal, You Sexy Thing and 10cc’s I’m Not In Love.

The singer was not the first choice of Charles and Cammilla who are footing the wedding reception bill and are rumoured to have preferred the hiring of Scottish songstress Susan Boyle "until she did that tacky internet porn video" according to Clarence House sources.

"Music Tel Boy has five months to spruce himself up and get his act together," Prince William’s wedding organiser said today.

A full wedding guest list will be published early January 2011.

London - (ReUterus Media): Nude photographs of Kate Middleton entertaining the entire Household Cavalry were found in a skip outside Lambeth palace today prompting fears that she may have been paid by the Ministry of Defence to get across a few more squaddies after breaking up with William.

Up to seventy different soldiers feature in the snaps which show Kate's best features to perfection.

However, her face is only barely visible in the majority of shots although birthmarks, tattoos and bite marks on her anatomy clearly identify her as the Hellfire Club Party Girl, we all knew she was.

In one of the compromising shots Kate is seen sitting astride a ceremonial saddle while providing relief massage to the regimental colour sergeant.

The photos were found by an Japanese tourist who subsequently handed them in to a central London police station after concern for some of the horses featured in the snaps.

Police then raided the skip where up to a thousand more shots were found, some of which have been branded 'tasteful and alluring'.

Prince William is said to be in a state of Shock and considering their future together, but will he get his Mums Engagement ring back?

18th Feb 2011 "Kate Middleton Sex Toy Out On Sale Now!" Click HERE

Yesterday the long awaited sequel to the wildly successful combat game Call of Duty hit the UK stores. Although insiders across the gaming community were shocked to hear that cheat codes for expanded weapons were made available as early as last Tuesday.

Insiders to the Call of Duty development team told reporters that it was most likely a disgruntled background image artist that released the codes.

While nobody was willing to offer up the image developer's name, management at the Call of Duty design studios in California were quick to engage in damage control.

According to Director of Combat Action, Ricky Stickim, no cheat codes were actually stolen or released:

"We're confident that this is just another tall tale from somebody looking to make a name for themselves out on the Internet. We don't do cheat codes. That would be cheating".

Beta testers who were brought in to validate the performance of the game prior to distribution disagree:

"Hey, I mean, like dude. We tried a couple of the cheat codes and like BANG, instant weapons upgrade. I'm hosing down bad guys like nobody's business", says one tester who wanted to remain nameless.

Some of the cheat codes were released to this publication and are offered below without and implied or explicit warranty as to their validity or effectiveness. They are:

• TOASTYPINEAPPLE - Unlimited incendiary grenades
• CHEWBAKKA - Exploding trick gum for your enemy
• HEDGECLIPPER - Unlimited ammo for the Gatling gun
• SHRINKAGE - Shrink ray that miniaturizes enemy's twig and berries
• FIDO - Lifelike mechanical dog, pees poison into enemy's cornflakes
• HIGHNTIGHT - Ballistic hair trimmer that takes a little too much off the top

London is one of the most beautiful cities in the world especially around Central London and the Thames. So whether you want a night of rough trade with a pretty young boy, or £3.000 worth of wobbly pills to make the night go better, London has it.

Just don't try to order a Happy Meal from McDonalds, because they are now illegal.

"We are not happy with the recent ruling by London’s Mayor Boris Johnson, banning Happy Meals," said McDonalds President Ronald McDonald, the third generation of McDonalds leading the fast food chain. "Perhaps if we introduced penis-flavoured french fries, the Assembly would be OK with them?"

The response came after the London Assembly voted to forbid restaurants from giving gifts with meals that contain too much fat and sugar.

Happy Meals, which typically come in a colourful cardboard box packed with a burger, a drink, fries, desert, and enough sodium and fat to kill an African elephant, are popular with hard-pressed parents as well as children.

"I have three daughters," says Brixton, resident Evertonia Rosania. "And after a tough day, a delicious, nutritious McDonalds Happy Meal shut the little f--kers up faster than Benadryl dissolved in chocolate milk... Not that I'd ever do that to them.

"We are extremely proud of our Happy Meals which give our youngest guests wholesome food and toys of the highest quality," said McDonald. "Getting a toy and a hamburger made from cow assholes and sawdust with a kid's meal is just one part of a fun, family experience at McDonald's."

Under the ban agreed in a City Hall vote yesterday, restaurants in London would have to provide fruit and vegetables with meals accompanied by free toys, according to the London Metro.

"This is a tremendous victory for fascism," said London’s education board's Bernie Slaven, chief sponsor of the legislation. "Let's be clear: anal sex equals good, a plastic toy resembling the main character of Disney's latest Pixar movie equals bad."

Up next, London Assembly will vote on a ban against watching two consecutive SpongeBob episodes, toys with bright colours, and limiting kids under 14 to only having fun on Saturdays, between 1pm and 4pm.

In what is being described as the first feature-length film focusing on the controversial don't ask, don't tell military policy, "Shaving Ryan's Privates" is due out in July 2011, and its producers have just announced that the starring role has been given to none other than British singing sensation Music Tel Boy.

Tel Boy, a long-time supporter of the repeal of the don't ask, don't tell policy, is said to be jubilant about getting the lead role of Private Joshua Ryan, a tattooed gay young southern boy who catches the eye of his commanding officer, Colonel Edwin Coolchester.

The musical love story was the brainchild of up-and-coming director, Abdulla Mohammed Elhadguff, who claims that although this is a musical, it takes a hard look at homosexuality in the military like never before. Elhadguff says he grew up on shows like It Aint arf Hot Mum, The Navy Lark, Mash, and McHale's Navy and believes there has always been a place for alternative lifestyles in military films and television shows, even if the subject was not taken seriously.

When asked where he got the idea for "Shaving Ryan's Privates" Elhadguff stated that it just came to him one evening while watching his life partner get ready for his cabaret act at a local gay theatre. "Watching Hal go through his weekly grooming for the part he played as Laverne in the show “Nail Clippings in a D Cup” based loosely on the television show Laverne and Shirley got me to thinking about the time down in Rio when Hal had gone in for a bikini wax and peejazzling, and well, 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' kinda came out of nowhere."

The part of Colonel Edwin Coolchester has not yet been cast, but Elhadguff has a couple of names he's considering for the part, including Harvey Feuerstein and Alan Cumming. Cumming being Elhadguff's favourite.

*Music Tel Boy's Christmas Charity Single "CHRISTMAS BOP" is out now!
To preview the FREE Music Video simply click on the picture below.

London (Bloomberg)-A psychosexual research study by Oxford University into sexual pleasure among senior members of Parliament has found "a truly amazing degree of sexual activity" among the anonymous participants who answered the multi-page questionnaire.

Most of the participants were between the ages of 35 and 55. Some of the more salient findings were:

Prefers sex play to other duties: 99 percent

The final report noted that "This is a group of people confident about sex, and interested in exploring sexual pleasure both alone and with many other partners. Just look at how comfortable these 400+ people are with sex."

Tania Wiki-Kum, the pretty 19 year old Cypriot girl who already holds the Hairiest Vagina In the World Award, walked off last night with the far more prestigious 'World's Tightest Vagina' Trophy.

Wiki-Kum beat a hundred other hopefuls in the 3-Day event that has held crowds in spell-bound rapture at London's Royal Albert Hall.

Wiki-Kum owes the tightness of her vagina to a stroke of luck at birth coupled with severe restrictions she imposes on the way it's used. Boyfriends are selected exclusively from those with only the tiniest penis.

And strict time limits are placed on the final act of love-making.

"As an Olympic Tight Vagina athlete, I have always taken my training very seriously", she declared after the result.

In an interview with Barry O’Brien, the man with the World's Largest Penis, Wiki-Kum observed that she'd never consider getting intimate with such a hugely endowed gentleman.

"It would mean the finish of my career", she declared as she looked upon Mr O’Brien's penis in awe.

Wiki-Kum picked up £115,000 prize money for having the World's Tightest Vagina. Judges, who used 'soft' probes to select the winner, all agreed that her beautiful black-haired vagina deserves a place in the Book of Records and the Hall of Fame. She also has very small breasts.

Next years World Tightest Vagina Contest will be held in Melbourne starting on November 15th.

2012 RESULT: 2011 Star HERE: http://crusader.blog.co.uk/2012/11/06/world-s-tightest-vagina-15173894/

According to 'sources', there is nothing Music Tel Boy likes more these days than to sit down on a Saturday evening and dribble at the television when Cheryl Cole is on. A close friend of Tel Boy's revealed he has sent a number of emails to Cheryl's management team in an attempt to arrange a 'chat'.

X-Factor producers have agreed to Tel Boy's request and he is set to visit Fountain Studios, where the show is 'staged', to meet the team and say 'hello' to his favourite judge.

Tel Boy, who is currently busy promoting his Christmas Charity Song in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support, was so excited by Cheryl's admission on Piers Morgan's show last week, that she finds it difficult to meet men, that he nearly messed himself at the realisation that he could be in with a shot with the Geordie song bird.

'I can't understand a damn word she says' admitted the ex army, toffee supporter 'But that wont matter, if you get my drift, WOOF!'

Apparently he isn't the only 'red blooded male' who has shown some interest in the X-Factor judge, Prince Harry is also said to be interested too, although Cheryl has already admitted that she doesn't do gingers.

Scottish Songstress Susan Boyle burst into tears and started cursing at people in England today, because Music Tel Boy refused to allow her to sing his version of CHRISTMAS BOP on America's Got Talent.

The 49-year old prima Donna, who was the runner up in the British version of the show, had turned up at LAX Airport two hours before the scheduled filming of the show, with a backing group, even though she didn't have permission to sing the song.

She expected Music Tel Boy to give permission to her because she is more famous than he is. After permission had been refused, it was too late for her to learn the lyrics to any other song and she therefore took the next flight home.

Boyle shot to fame in 2009 when she sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Misérables. However, the spinster can only hold the lyrics to one song in her head at any time.

Audiences across the world became sick of hearing "I Dreamed a Dream" and Boyle therefore learned a second song, "Christmas Bop". However, she didn't bother to ask the English rock musician, who had recently rearranged and recorded the song for charity, for permission to sing the song live on US television.

It is not known which song Boyle will learn next, though she does have enough time to learn the lyrics to Wizard’s Christmas hit "I wish it could be Christmas Every Day" and the group's leader Roy Wood is said to "really need the money".

LONDON – Self made Rock Star Music Tel Boy boasted to a member of the news media that he has in the past bedded 90 women in a single month.

Rock and roll icon Bon Jovi replied that Tel Boy is talking rubbish. He then grinned and stated that the only way that Tel Boy could have gone to bed with 90 women in 30 days is if most were of the inflatable variety.

Bon Jovi said that he has known Music Tel Boy for many months and that he has always had a penchant for exaggerating. He noted that Tel Boy once told him and his drummer that he could take a regular drumstick and stick it completely up his nose.

Bon Jovi said that after making a bet of £50 [$80 U.S.] Tel Boy only managed to stick the drumstick halfway up his nasal cavity.

Bon Jovi said that on another occasion Tel, as he calls him, told him that he could put an adult lobster in his underwear and let it remain there for two minutes.

Bon Jovi bet him £100 [$160 U.S.] on that one. Bon Jovi laughed when after four seconds Music Tel Boy let out a yell that people two miles away could have heard.

*Get your Copy of Music Tel Boys Latest Single by Clicking on the image below!

Strictly Come Dancing- Christmas Special:
Our beloved BBC have announced that singer and actor John Barrowman will be one of the celebrity contestants appearing in a 'Strictly Come, Dancing' TV Christmas Special. And, according to various rumours, John will be dancing with a male 'pro' partner.

"Yes, Mr Barrowman will be swinging and getting 'down and dirty' with a guy all over the dance floor." says one insider, "And having seen his slinky mambo and massive rumba, he's got to be a favourite to score with Craig Revel Horwood!"

It won't be the first time Mr Barrowman has been seen dancing with another guy on TV. As Captain Jack Harkness, he had a slow romantic dance with a male lover in a poignant episode of 'Dr Who'.

Now the gossip is focussing on who will partner Mr Barrowman, will it be. Anton du Beke, James Jordan or Vincent Simone?

"One thing's for sure" says the insider, "It WON'T be Brucie!" But then again if he plays his cards right!

*Christmas Charity Song Out NOW, to get your copy of “Christmas Bop” Click on the image below!