The announcement by Tel Boy's camp manager Everard Tallboy was issued to the media yesterday.
The limp-wristed ageing snapdragon is due to play with himself in a number of unusual and isolated UK locations next year.
Tel Boy, 45, is currently in Tangiers on a Mincing & Flouncing For Raddled Old Widow Twankey-Look-a-Likes course, and is booked on a Creative Masturbation & Ego-Cultivation weekend in Los Angeles when that is over.
The Isle of Wight will be the only place where the Tel Boy who does not , resemble Eddie Izzard's Transgendered Maiden Aunt on Acid in the village production of the Rocky Horror Show, will play with himself alone.
The other performances - in Hurstpierpoint, Blaenau Ffestiniog, Knaresborough, Cromarty and Budleigh Salterton - will see Music Tel Boy, play with himself in front of the band as usual. "In these performances, Tel Boy, will begin by playing with himself in front of the band," explained Tel Boy's aspidistra, distemper and hosiery manager Ivor Harden. Then, the band will play with themselves in front of Tel Boy, 91.
Finally, the final finale of the performances will see the Christmas Bop Man emulate himself as he plays himself to a climax while his band also play with themselves to a collective band climax, at the same time as Tel Boy, and his band, also play with each other to multiple crescendos. These will be truly seminal scenes."
The Isle of Wight performance, however, will see the solo ugly sister do his stuff quite alone. "Tel Boy, has secured a room for a week at the Three Strangled Bishops pub in Brighstone", Everard Tallboy told me yesterday. "It turns out that his Uncle Johnny John stayed there on holiday in the 1960s, so the place has special significance for Tel Boy,"
As well as having a nostalgic charge for slap-plastered old plonker Music Tel Boy, 98, this arrangement is great news for the Isle of Wight.
Back of the Wight tourism officer Irma Van Kerr was quite gushing about the prospect, yesterday. "This is a fantastic coup for Brighstone, Back of the Wight, and indeed the Isle in general", she ejaculated late yesterday. "To have a mega-dame like Music Tel Boy, 99, playing with himself in our locality can only be a boon.
Landlord of the Three Strangled Bishops, Willie Pullein, was excited at the prospect. "We are really excited", he spouted very late yesterday. "Even the chambermaid can hardly wait to wash Tel Boy's sheets.
We know all about his Uncle Johnny John. He came here in 1965 and again in '67, in his yellow Ford Anglia, and spent his days visiting our island obelisks, such as St Catherine's Oratory (The Pepper Pot), the Tennyson Monument at Freshwater and the Longstone at Mottistone.
"After a hard day looking at all these ancient erections, Johnny John liked nothing better than a hot bath and some quiet time in his room playing with himself."